Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Half the length of a relationship to get over it?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Smiling_politely
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 1
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I recently got out of a 2 year relationship and I was wondering if this rule was really true. To be honest I knew I had fallen out of romantic love with her quite some time before that. It was just that our lives were so intertwined it was difficult to separate them. Maybe I needed time too to come to terms with how I felt. Anyways, I miss her. No question. Would I want to get back together with her? Probably not. I guess it's just that feeling of security a relationship provides that I miss. It's learning to be happy alone one of the greatest skills we can acquire though?

Any thoughts?
 TiltAGirl
Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 2
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:11:16 AM
There are no 'rules' for the amount of time it takes to get over someone - if it was a shock it can take a long time, if it's the first time a long term relationship has ended for you then you probably won't have the skills you need to recover quickly. There are lots of variables that affect how quickly we 'get over' someone.

You will need to learn some skills to move your life in the direction you want it to go. Remember to focus on the future, not dwell on the past. You were fine before you met her, right? What's to say you won't be fine again? Nothing, it just takes a little time and patience with yourself.

Good luck to you
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 3
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:11:40 AM
Our thoughts don't matter, yours do. While you say romantic love was gone long ago, you also say you miss her and PROBABLY not get back together.

When the probably is gone, and missing her fades enough that you don't dwell on it. Then you'll be past it. Then you can think about someone new, until then, you'll just rebound off someone new.
 Eyes O Blue 2
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 4
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:13:51 AM
That's a load of crappolla ...

Just go by feel, nevermind setting an alarm clock.

 Smiling_politely
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 5
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:15:16 AM
Well, she wasn't my first serious relationship so I'd like to think I've develop the skills to properly cope. You can still miss a person even if you don't want to be with them, right? The relationship was toxic. I finally came to terms with that. I guess that's why I left. How are we supposed to take everything we can from an experience if we don't allow ourselves to dwell on it though? I'm not purposing forever. Just a brief period of time to evaluate the situation with the benefit of hindsight and find closure on the matter.
 Smiling_politely
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 6
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:16:17 AM
"Nevermind setting an alarm clock"...... I like that.. Great advise!

Your right. Emotion and affect can't be measure in time.
 TiltAGirl
Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 7
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:23:37 AM
There's no way to 'properly cope', it's just dependant on you, on what is right for you and works best for you.

You asked if there was a schedule - no there isn't. Don't set your expectation for 'a year' or '6 months' as you may be shortchanging yourself out of time you could be making forward progress rather than indulging in feeling bad.

Getting everything you can from an experience isn't a single event or time frame. You can move forward and still be able to reflect on your life. And sometimes we don't get 'closure' regardless of how much we contemplate an event or situation. Sometimes shit happens and it will never make sense.
 Juste moi Danielle
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 8
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:25:53 AM
Every person and every situation is different...there are no rules and (unfortunately) there are no instruction booklet either...just the fact that you're thinking about all that stuff is a good sign (to me) that you'll be fine, and you will be OP...remember to take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone - most of us can empathise with you/your position.

Take care and good luck to you OP:)

 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:26:03 AM
Using that rule, I'd have to be 65.5 to "get over it". You get over various relationships depending on the relationship itself, your own personality and your cognitive thinking processes. Even your cognitive thinking processes can be changed if you work at it - you can choose to lament and stay stuck in thinking about your past relationship or resolve to move forward in life.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:27:12 AM
There are too many variables, so the time also varies tremendously for each individual. After a 25 year marriage, I didn't need 12 plus years to get over it! It took less than 6 months.
 Pcolachic
Joined: 5/15/2007
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:29:43 AM
I call it the love DT's. I wish there was a pill to remove the chemicals love gives us. To me love is like a drug especially if sex was in the mix and those cuddle hormones (oxytocin and vassopressin) were activated. I may not even LIKE that person anymore but those DT's step in and even if you are out with someone new (I dont recommend so soon` for fairness to the new person) I still miss the idea of that person. You outgrew each other, lifestyles change, whatever. Cant nor want to go back.. Sometimes, just appreciate what you had and go into the next chapter of your life. I have learned you cant date one person to get over another- unless you have no conscience..Finding friends to do things with is another story. Being single allows me to have lots of friends with different interests. This helps me cope until the love bug bites again..

I would assume however long it takes to detox and get those chemicals out of your system will be how long it takes to get over her..
I dated a guy almost everyday for a month and it appears to be taking two months just to get him out of my system. By your formula, I should have been over him in two weeks. I think Im leaning toward the chemical thing. This is the time to take a trip, or change your routine, route to work and listen to music to help detox and move on to something else (not meaning just a mate). Good luck we have all been there..
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:45:45 AM
According to those "in the know" they say that usually after 1 month for every year you were together, the pain of the separation starts to recede. That doesn't mean that you're necessarily completely over the break-up.. It simply means that you are more likely to choose better based on compatibility rather than repeat a toxic choice.

It's normal to miss someone you've had in your life, particularily if the breakup was when you still had feelings for them, but for whatever reason, you know/knew that to stay would not be in either of your best interests in the long run. It's like detox ..getting yourself off of some sort of drug/alcohol/cigarette abuse ~ going cold turkey until it's chemical component is completely out of your system. Once that's accomplished you then have to work on the psycological addiction of going without something that was at one time, a source of comfort and pleasure for you. It's a process and it takes time and how you utilize that time makes all the difference in how well and how quickly you overcome.
 RonnieB77
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 13
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:48:28 AM
No, that's just plain silly. It is going to take how long it is going to take. 5 minutes or the rest of your life.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:53:39 AM
I have found that as others have noted, no time line is going to be the same for everyone or even the relationship and how long it takes you to get over it. I found a few years ago that when I realized that the man was insecure and jealous turning off my feelings was comparatively easy because I realized I had fallen for someone that didn't exist. The future we might have had therefore was pretty easy to let go. Another relationship was more difficult because there was not some huge deal breaker that made ignoring the good stuff as easy if that makes any sense. I think perhaps I could still see the potential had the timing been different, so it took me longer I think to get over that one.

When I split with my first husband around 22 years ago, I missed the relationship, but I don't think I missed him per se. I missed having friends over for dinner, the life we had built together, and it sounds like that is what you are missing if the feelings died before the relationship actually did. You get used to walking next to someone and it is a big adjustment to be walking alone.

I think you can kind of dip your toe in the water with dating and if it doesn't really feel like you give a toot about it, take a break, concentrate on work, friends, family, and eventually your heart will be in looking for someone new.
 pitufina_77
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:53:46 AM
It took me over a year to get over a guy I was with three times in two months.

It was down to my insecurities and what I had made of him when things were rosy.

No rule whatsoever.
 Cedarwinds
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 16
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:58:53 AM
I gotta say , you were too young to put yourself into a committed relationship for 2 years. Total waste of great life-time for going out with women and learning as much as possible about women.

If this was a serious , I mean really serious relationship, which this was not, then the formula of 50% of the time together to get over it, could apply.
Usually about 15 weeks of being out of contact with each other, the chemical imbalance that caused you to be so infatuated over them, wears off. And you stabalize again.

But I'm thinking about 2 months and you should be good to go. Next time, don't go for a relationship. Date several women if you can handle it. Dating, -kissing, sex etc- is not a commitment. Theres no need to get excited about achieving exclusivity for at least 4 to 6 months.
 Pcolachic
Joined: 5/15/2007
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 9:10:31 AM
Cedarwinds is right--- if you DONT HAVE A CONSCIENCE! Just go out and use women casually and keep the hurt and confused cycle going... Geesh.. I would expect more out of a 52 year old. Try to condition yourself for somethng more mature..

I get surprised everyday...
 Spoken For
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 9:14:07 AM
That is SO not true, OP. If that was the case, it would take me 9 freakin years to get over my marriage, and it did not take that long! Some of us would be doomed if that rule were accurate!

The truth is, it takes you however long it takes you. Kind of like "we'll be there when we get there," which is what I used to tell my kids when they'd say "when are we gonna be there?"

Everyone is different. So you can't say "ok, a year is up. I'm over it now!" Because it might take you 6 months, and it might take you 2 years. You can't put a time limit on it.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 9:14:38 AM
Sometimes it takes months or even years to leave a bad relationship. I was 'over' my marriage 5 minutes after I left the house because emotionally I had been separated for years.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 9:22:58 AM

No, that's just plain silly. It is going to take how long it is going to take. 5 minutes or the rest of your life.
That would be a choice you choose to make. {I think} if you truly loved the person, they NEVER leave your heart.. they just get tucked away far enough so that you can be open enough to actually find someone who you can be good with for a long period of time..


Cedarwinds is right--- if you DONT HAVE A CONSCIENCE! Just go out and use women casually and keep the hurt and confused cycle going... Geesh.. I would expect more out of a 52 year old. Try to condition yourself for somethng more mature..
Yes indeed!
Op: I'd like to hope you would be honest with those you only want to repeat your short-term goals with..
Your habits (no matter what they may be) often times become addictions.. Addictions mean you are no longer in control.. the addictions are what control you.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 11:04:24 AM

I gotta say , you were too young to put yourself into a committed relationship for 2 years. Total waste of great life-time for going out with women and learning as much as possible about women.

Gotta love the nebulous comments that have nothing to do with the thread topic but suggest that someone else better knows how a total stranger would have better organized his life.
 whenwillthiswork26
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 11:07:38 AM
No it's not true. Sometimes you can get over it in a day, week or month.

I am far from shallow but I am older and know that it is really just a matter
of meeting someone else who is attractive and available and that could happen
any time.

It is possible to be happy alone for a long time as I have but at some point
you do need a relationship if you are human.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 11:20:32 AM
OP -- I've also heard this rule passively mentioned...it'll take half the length of the relationship to "get over" them. Dunno how valid it is though.

Probably about as valid as "If you keep doing that you'll go blind". heh

Some people will rebound almost immediately, such as within a day or two or maybe even a week or so. Others it may take a few months. Some, years. Still more may never actually, truly "get over" that person. It's all about the individual.

If you're one that can't be on their own, and you validate your existence by the person at your side...then you'll be rebounding quicker than a hiccup. You'll be like the big numbers out there that just leave one, and jump right back into another. They just seriously can't possibly cope on their own. It's sad, but take a peek around these forums and you'll see all kinds of them floating around. I pity them deeply, to be that insecure and dependent that they can't seem to function on their own for longer than a week or two.

I digress.

If this was one of your first LTR's, then I'd imagine it may take you a while longer to feel like you've "moved on". Relationships of a year or less are *generally* easy enough to get over. Relationships that are considerably longer may see you sitting on the sidelines nursing your wounds a bit longer...but not always the case. I've seen, and know some that were in relationships for 5+ years and they rebounded almost immediately.

So, it's pretty subjective.

Odds are, if it was one of your first LTR's you'll likely be licking your wounds for a bit.

Just remember...what they don't want, someone else will...and there's billions of them to choose from. Don't get too discouraged.
 Weekend_WarriorMN
Joined: 1/9/2010
Msg: 24
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/14/2010 11:57:31 AM
I always heard that it was 'double' the time of the relationship in order to get over a good relationship. And that actually was true of my last breakup. We were together almost a year and it took me nearly two years to fully get over her

If it was a bad relationship, then of course it wouldn't take nearly as long. Or if you met someone better, then it wouldn't take as long either.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Half the length of a relationship to get over it?
Posted: 1/15/2010 6:00:15 PM
I think it's a useful idea as an approximate maximum time, for example. If you haven't gotten over someone by half of the duration of the relationship, then maybe you need to look at how you are handling it, and what you can do to speed it up. Everyone's different, and if you successfully get over someone quickly, then yay for you. But if it takes you more than half the length of the relationship to get over it, is it really worth the emotional risk then? Are you better off working on yourself before trying to work on finding a partner then, if you can't recover in a less time than you spend on the relationship itself? What can you do now to change how you are dealing with it, if you are not naturally getting over it. What are you getting out of staying stuck on this?

It can also be helpful as a rough guide for people who don't allow themselves any time. I think that some people may be prone to being too hard on themselves, and think also that they should be able to just bounce back immediately. They don't give themselves the opportunity to grieve and then don't give themselves the time. So they think it should take a few days, and by finding out that many people take about half the time of the relationship to fully move on, that may help them realize that it's perfectly normal for them to go through this grieving process and for it take a while, especially if the relationship lasted a while. So it can be a useful idea to let people know that it's normal and okay for it to take a while.

I think that as I get older and more experienced (and stronger), I get better at handling these things too. So, the best thing to do is to accept yourself for who you are now, and do your best. Don't worry about how long it takes, until it gets to be about half the time you spent on the relationship, and then if it's still a problem, re-evaluate then.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Half the length of a relationship to get over it?