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 S.O.U.L
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 1
Rebound timeframe and relationship readyPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
How long after a relationship ends is someone still in the rebound zone? It seems many of the women I've been coming across lately seem to be "just getting out of something". When I hear "I just got of something with someone", I immediately lose interest. I've been down that road and no longer want to invest time with someone who just got of something or be anyone's rebound person.

So how long after a breakup is someone still consider on the rebound and possibly be relationship ready.
 somephxguy
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 2
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/19/2010 7:22:57 PM

How long after a relationship ends is someone still in the rebound zone?

However long they choose to be.
I think it's a social construct and phenomenon rather than a biological driver.


When I hear "I just got of something with someone", I immediately lose interest.

That's because they are usually using more than words. There's a metamessage in there.
It's saying "I am wary to approach you and see you as an individual. You need to coddle me and accept my selfish behavior for a while because I am a victim. So I can sit back and be entertained, you have to take all responsibility for the relationship, I get to judge you and how far we go, and I can always use the ace up my sleeve of 'I thought I was over them, but I am just confused' to get out of any situation that makes me uncomfortable and allows me to avoid any conflict, responsibility for my words or actions, any commitment I imply, or negative emotional reaction. I get to act like I just got over a sickness and you are asking me to help you move. I will say yes to be nice, and you I can imply I will actually do something, but don't expect me to do anything more than supervise."

I'd run away too.
 Idiosyncrasy1977
Joined: 1/5/2010
Msg: 3
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/19/2010 7:23:47 PM
I think it would depend completely on the individual person and also on the length and depth or the relationship. Some people don't get emotionally involved and move from partner to partner with ease (I guess in perpetual rebound mode) and some people are completely monogamous and enjoy long lasting, deep relationships.
 CasualCap78
Joined: 5/1/2007
Msg: 4
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/19/2010 7:34:28 PM
It really does not matter. It depends on what you want from her. If you're looking for a relationship then move on. She is not emotionally available.

If you are looking for someone to catch a movie or coffee with then she would be down with that. It's not about her state of mind. You can't change that. It's about what YOU want out of it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 5
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/19/2010 8:16:31 PM

So how long after a breakup is someone still consider on the rebound and possibly be relationship ready?

As soon as they stop looking to pair off, or are content single, usually. You are at your healthiest when you don't feel you need a new person to distract yourself from an old one. Someone who's cool with hanging out, talking and getting to know you but not pushing you to be "something" in their life or working on a timeline is usually a good bet - and of course the words "I just got out of something" are a sign to steer clear.

I do agree that if you're not looking for anything serious, then it's not relevant that they're on the rebound.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 6
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/19/2010 9:02:27 PM

You are at your healthiest when you don't feel you need a new person to distract yourself from an old one.


Very well said.
 oye101
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 7
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/19/2010 10:02:52 PM
4 to 5 months...depends how soon she finds that hottie to take her mind of the old looser
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 8
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/19/2010 11:29:24 PM
I think it also depends on the reason they broke up. I broke it off with my ex 2 1/2 months ago (after nearly 4 years together) because I wanted our relationship to progress and he was happy with it being as it was. Plain and simple, I wasn't willing to say that marriage and (possibly) another child is completely out of the question. He absolutely was dead set against this.

When we broke up it was heartbreaking, but I also knew it was the best thing for me. I do not have any lingering feelings of love for him and would love to find someone that I can have a relationship with that would be willing to allow things to progress naturally. I'm not looking for someone to replace him, but rather someone to go through life with (which is why I broke up with my ex). I couldn't find it with him, so will look to have it with someone else. Now, after I broke up with my daughter's father I didn't date for 5 years until I felt ready to do so.

I don't think anyone can say the "right" amount of time to wait, it's got to be up to each individual. If you're still having feelings for your ex, then you shouldn't be looking to get with anyone else.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 9
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/20/2010 8:59:28 AM
Every person is different.
When my 8yr relationship ended, I was good to go after about 3 months.
After my last relationship that was 18months, I took almost a full year to heal before I was ready to move on.
 Erinlove
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 10
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/20/2010 9:29:13 AM
I would say that I don't want to be their first partner after a break up. I get bit in the butt whether it has been 2 weeks or a year if I am their first woman after. I feel them seeing me in a very unflattering light and making a huge deal out of the stupidest stuff. After wards I feel like they wiped their asses with me.
That's what I am going through right now actually. I slept like crap because I don't understand how someone so passionate about me can start to really dislike who he has known all along, and known for over 8 years...

There is no hope for me!! It honestly feels like that! My mind knows I was his rebound. My heart says I am a huge failure who can't even get a man who has loved me for years! Ouch!
How is THAT fair to me? And to make matters worse he will hook up with the next one even though she will be nowhere NEAR as good as me. He praised me for being the prettiest, sexiest, most intelligent woman to ever give him a chance, AND the best sex he's ever had.
On the rebound even THAT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM!

Please don't get burnt. No matter how smart you are it puts your emotions through the ringer.
 chinua1
Joined: 12/6/2009
Msg: 11
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/20/2010 1:12:30 PM
I agree with you^ erin!
Its happened to me twice- if they talk about their ex; a lot- then run! They are still stuck on them, even if they say they aren't. If they go back to their ex- you feel like crap.
As for the people who say it depends on what you want from them- a cup of coffee is ok- how long are we supposed to wait while they get over their ex? The OP is better off finding someone who is ready now.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 12
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/20/2010 2:11:50 PM
I'm with you, OP. When I hear "just ended ..." or anything similar, I run. I don't want to be the rebound girl.

I don't know that there's any set-in-stone time limit, but I think the recovery time should be somewhat in relation to the length of the relationship. In other words, if you've been married for 25 years, you probably should allow yourself at least a year to kinda find yourself again. If it's been less than 6 months, I'd say just jump right back in there if you're comfortable with doing that.
 OC Jdogg
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 13
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/22/2010 1:15:58 PM
It really depends on the individual....but the golden rule is 1/2 the time of there relationship. 3 years = 1.5 years...etc.

You have been wise to avoid getting involved with people "just out of a relationship". Most of the time, those people are clueless of their actions. AND...they are ususally very selfish.

For me...it was a discovery of two things. #1 There is a grieving process. Regardless of what happened to end the relationship, there is always a period of grieving the loss.

But the part that most people don't know is.....after grieving...there is a period of rediscovering who you are. During the relationship, you may have adapted for the other person. You may have lived a lifestyle that really isn't who you are. Take the time to rediscover who you are and what you want out of life. Once you figure this part out, then...and only then are you ready to find someone new.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/22/2010 1:57:57 PM
As long as you are still thinking about your Ex or still harbor feelings for them, then you are on the rebound. If he can't go a night without talking about the Ex, then HE is still on the rebound.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 15
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/22/2010 2:43:51 PM
S.O.U.L. wrote:
When I hear "I just got of something with someone"

Hmm, that's a bit of a toughie - I can see two reasons for someone wanting to say this:

1 - They want to be completely honest with you.
or
2 - It will be the excuse they use to drop you, or to explain their own psychotic behavior.



As to your next question:
S.O.U.L. wrote:
I've been down that road and no longer want to invest time with someone who just got of something or be anyone's rebound person.

So how long after a breakup is someone still consider on the rebound and possibly be relationship ready.

There is absolutely, positively NO rule or guideline that you can come up with that will account for everyone. Any such rule you come up with will result in either:
- not filtering out some people who're still on the rebound
AND/OR
- blocking some people who're comfortably over it already.


Do you really want to slavishly follow a rule that will be guaranteed to fail you at some point and let in someone on the rebound? Do you really want to slavishly follow a rule that will by default block out that person who might actually be The Right One?

Given the incredible disparity in situations, people's personalities, etc., I find that saying "A person is ready again after (insert rule here)" is a self-delusion and a gross generalization.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/22/2010 5:20:36 PM
Someone could still be on the rebound 2 years later if they have chosen to wallow instead of moving on. You really have to pay attention to what they say and do and go from there. Just getting out of something is a pretty good indication that no matter how well adjusted they are and unless the relationship didn't last very long, they need some time to rearrange the brain.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 17
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/22/2010 9:17:21 PM
The half the time of the relationship rule is crap. So you're saying if someone was in a 20 year relationship, then they shouldn't date anyone for 10 more years?!

I spent 4 years in a relationship to have it end because I changed. I spent several years of my life with someone who, ultimately, couldn't see himself progressing in a relationship with me. I found out after we broke up that he had been cheating on me for over a year. I've been tested and am fine, but feel that perhaps I never knew him at all and I REFUSE to waste any more of my life waiting for him. Honestly for me, I think the fact he cheated actually made it easier for me to get over him. I really have no more feelings for him, but do still have the desire to have something more serious in my life (when I first thought these I thought it was because of him, but now I realize it's because I grew up).

For everyone it's different, but to say that people have to wait 1/2 the length of the relationship?! Sorry, I'm NOT going to lose 2 more years to this guy.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 18
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:16:16 PM
Alright everybody . . say it with me . .

There IS NO RULE as to how long a person has to wait until they're ready for a relationship again.

Ok. Deep breath. Let's say it again, because it doesn't seem to be taking.

All together now: There IS NO RULE as to how long a person has to wait until they're ready for a relationship again.


It could be less than 2 seconds. It could be the rest of their lives. It could be ANY CONCEIVABLE amount of time in between.

All claims to the contrary, all rules of thumb, etc., regarding this are, in a word, crap.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 19
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:19:00 PM
^^ I agree it's more about the frame of mind than the time frame as all circumstances are different. I stand by the not trying to pair off and content single post I made earlier. As long as they're not in search/must find/incomplete without a partner mode, you should be all clear.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 20
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:51:54 PM
Ehhh, I consider it two phases:
1) You're not over your ex. I don't mean "I'm not crying over them anymore" -- I mean your heart wouldn't jump if you saw them kissing someone else at the bar on the dance floor. If your heart would jump, or you're still thinking about them or comparing any "potential" person to them ever -- you're not over them.

2) Totally rusty on the dating scene. After not being on the dating scene, you're lost when it comes to how to handle things, and take the small things too seriously, and read things wrong.

The catch-22 is, in order to better get over your ex, or to learn about the dating scene -- you need to get in it. :) That's why people on the rebound are good with other people on the rebound... or those just looking for casual dating. Not good when folks are husband or wife hunting.
 CommonSensible
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 21
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/23/2010 3:30:47 PM
There is no set timeframe.

However, this is also code for "I dont find you THAT attractive enough to consider you."

You losing interest is a good thing. Keeps you from wasting your time.
 Moonsluck
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 22
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/23/2010 8:20:02 PM
Erin- don't stay in a toxic place- you are taking all this on like it is your fault and you are choosing to stay and be hurt. Why not withdraw, maybe not end it, but put some space between you and him and get some clarity and grounding for yourself so you can see clearly?

We teach people how to treat us by accepting their behavior towards us and being their door mat...thank you sir may I have another...come on now...

your hope is you, pull yourself together, gather what ever self esteem you have left and get some help. Once you are strong again, he will either be turned on by the "old you" or he will move on which may be what is happening anyhow, regardless, you will be taking care of yourself and not damaging yourself further, you will be back to finding your place of power and center...you have to find yourself again.

Take it from someone who has been down this road, life is precious and too short to be casting your pearls before swine. He might be a great guy, just not the greatest guy for you...that guy is out there but you have to release this one first to allow the best one to find his way to you. Good luck.
 Moonsluck
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 23
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/23/2010 8:21:34 PM
Bravo...well said and on point
 S.O.U.L
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 24
Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/23/2010 9:03:09 PM
Actually all of the women I've been experencing this problem with I saw on several occasions. I've been doing the casual dating for the last 2 years and now I'm looking for something long term. The ones I saw long term dating potential with started out "appearing" to be over any exes, so I give things a go. Suddenly issues with the ex come up and things comes to a halt with us.

I only need to see how a movie ends once to know how it will end the next few times I watch it.
 pinoyprodigy
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 25
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Rebound timeframe and relationship ready
Posted: 1/23/2010 11:08:44 PM
personally, i consider a rebound to be to go out with someone with the intent of getting your mind off an ex. rebounds can last a while and can go thru a number of flings - as long as that person is still missing/getting over/thinks about their ex while trying to date someone else. As for the time frame, for i think it'd be about 6 months to a year before someone can get over a serious relationship... though honestly, i think it depends more on the length of the previous relationship than anything else (ie. 5 year romance would take longer to get over than a 1 year romance).
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