| | Online Profile and Dating Guide Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | Hiya ladies, some of you may have read the Guide for Men). That was the one where there was some, oh, I dunno, general hints and advice on things, based on what I’d heard a few of you women complain about from this place. If you haven’t read 'em, and would like to check them out, they’re here...
Part One (where we discuss NOT sending pictures of your willy to women)
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts1226186.aspx
Part Deux (pronounced ‘d’uh’ because so many of those guys are suuuuuch morons…ya know?)
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts1254867.aspx
And of course, if you feel they’re on the ball, say so, as maybe with more of you agreeing, less of ‘em will insist on, well, thinking that sending pictures of their flesh-stick is the height of romance...
Anyway, that’s not what we’re here for today, is it? No. We’re here for the Guide for YOU. Now, first off, it’s a real pleasure writing this one, as in this case, I’m fairly sure most of you are literate, considerate and in possession of common sense. Unlike the, ahem, morons of my gender I directed the other guide to…
But you have your foibles too, and while they’re not quite as serious as sending pictures of your genitalia to strangers, there may be a few things here to take away and think about…let’s get to it, shall we? Some basic rules…
1. Don’t want to play ‘games’. Ladies, I think I speak for the vast majority of men out there, when I say… ‘huh?’ It’s not that we don’t feel your pain on this, because it looks like there’s a bloody army of women with an aversion to games that borders on the pathological. It’s just that men don’t understand what you mean by ‘games’. We don’t. Seriously. And don’t try to explain to us, because every time we hear the explanation we tune it out. You don’t want to be ‘played’ or be told how great you are and then have the guy disappear or that you find out you’re not the only gal he’s been calling…I know. We don’t get it. We don’t want to do any of those things either, but the thing is, when you find, yet again, that you’ve been played because he suddenly isn’t the same, or calling, or whatever…it’s not that he thinks he’s playing games. It’s just that things may have changed with him, and he’s not really feeling the same things any more. It’s just as likely, by the way, that he still thinks you're great but his schedule is f*cked up, or that he hasn’t really had a chance to get online or call or whatever…but however you slice it. He doesn’t think “ah, now I’m just playing games with her”.
Let me reiterate this. You will continue saying ‘no games’ until your keyboard is blue with frustration, and yet it will still happen. Because we don’t understand games and we are not intending to with you or anyone…we're just guys. We don’t communicate well. Hell, we can barely get around to saying “I love you” to our best friend that we’ve hung out with since high school…we’re also the guys, we’re the ones who have to put it on the line and get up the b*lls to ask you out, or hit on your in the bar. And you gals are more than happy being coy and saying ‘maybe’, or playing all those games while we're pursuing you madly, so just cut us some slack. We don't get it. Never have...never will...not intending games at all (unless pillow fighting with you and your sorority sisters counts as a game, in which case, count us in...)
2. Dancing like no one’s watching. This is a personal thing with me, maybe I’m alone in this, and maybe I’m out in left field. But if I see one more woman assert this, in all seriousness, I’m going to gag, because, like no one’s reading.
It’s a nice sentiment. I know. But it’s also more common than farts in a bean factory and c’mon…gals, I’ve SEEN you in the dance bars. You aren’t dancing like no one’s watching, you’re dancing like you KNOW all the guys are watching and you shake your moneymaker enjoying every moment, every stare and every drooling tongue. So, c’mon…stop with that one, okay? For me?
3. Pictures. I’ve seen more than my share of women complaining that guys just assume they’re out to get laid because they’re putting out pictures of some form of sexual nature. Here’s the thing. You’re right. It’s not fair, it’s not right and those guys you’re dealing with sending you obnoxious come-ons because you have a picture of you sticking your tongue out? They are f*cking morons. But…they’re guys. They’re going to see a sexual side of things for some pictures.
Like…
Pictures of tongues out: Men see: Sex.
Pictures of bathing suits: Men see: sex.
Pictures of sitting on a couch: Men see: sex.
Picture of you in a burlap sack, with face cream, curlers while you’re having a dump: Men see: sex.
Getting the picture? Guys are looking for any excuse and will send you obnoxious messages regardless. Get over it. Pictures you put up of an alluring nature need to assume to get a fair amount of attention…so just deal and stop complaining. If you don’t like being objectified, don’t put up a picture. And if you’re about to say “but then no one will send me messages” then understand that’s exactly the point. The act of putting up a picture, for guys or gals, in some small way is asking to be objectified. A$$holes you should complain about, but you shouldn’t be surprised.
4. Pictures of that red sunset...you know it. I've seen fifty of 'em here, at least. If we really wanted to see that picture, we could just go to "My Pictures" and then "Sample Pictures" on our computers, and look at it to our hearts content. Or any other ‘cutesy’ picture like the puppy or the ocean or a cartoon character boy and girl holding hands. We don’t look at them. We don’t find them cute. We don’t care. Sorry. Just thought you should know. Pictures of you we look at. Otherwise? Nope…just annoying.
5. “My friends tell me…” That you’d be a great catch. Or you’re attractive. Or a riot. Or whatever. Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to go around and ask one hundred people at random if they have every had a friend tell them “You know, you’d be a f*cking disaster to have any romantic relationship with”. Go on, try it and see how many friends do that. Your friends aren’t necessarily lying, mind you, it’s just…well, you get the idea.
6. “I like to laugh”. Now, read rule five. How many folks do you know that have an aversion to laughter? A buddy for whom giggling is seen as a hardship they hope never to have to endure ever again… None? You get the idea.
7. “Looking for something real”. I’ve read this a few times, and it strikes me that there may be a need for a quick review. It’s a VERY common thing that you ladies are looking for, I mean, tons of you are talking about it.
My question begins with the number of imaginary people you’ve been dating and how or why this hasn’t been a success for you. There are likely explanations, of course, including the fact they don’t actually exist, but the point is you have found this fictional dating approach to be a bit lacking. So you are interested in something real...to which every man in the world says, "well, what the f*ck else would you be looking for?"
As guys, we are not as emotionally aware of ourselves and the world around us, as a rule. We have a more visceral and literal sense of things.
And so, we assume it’s ALL real. You’re looking for real? Guys think that going to the roadside bar with you, pounding back tequilla and beer for four hours before returning to his pickup truck to f*ck like banshees in the parking lot…is REAL. Because, technically, it is real. Real shallow and exactly NOT what you’re looking for, but if you set the bar at ‘real’ then don’t be too surprised if the man of your "dreams" ain’t found very often.
8. Finally, the last rule for part one of this, although I’m thinking the guys really need a lot more help than you gals do, so maybe we’ll leave it at this…
I like smileys. Lots of guys do. Seriously though, when you see that there are more smiley characters in your messages than there are actual letters from the english language…step away from the mouse, and do not put another of those f*cking bananas out there. Okay?
Well, hopefully that wasn’t too painful…but you see, with you gals it’s so tame in comparision. I mean, we’re not dealing with the fence-post level stupidity the guys show so regularly, it’s just kind of cute stuff that you’re doing for your own reasons but mostly…we just don’t get it. Thought I'd letcha know.
Shall we review? We don’t understand what a game is. Dance however you f*cking want…just dance for crying out loud. Men will always objectify your pictures, get used to it. That stupid red sunset (you know the one) is annoying the hell out of us…so are the cartoon cute girl and boy kissing…all of that sh!t, stop it. You’re friends aren’t good references (not bad either, just not reliable). Everyone likes to laugh. We’re all real. Enough with the dancing banana already.
There? See? A piece of cake. Hopefully, none of you are terribly offended by this, but after doing the guys one, I felt kinda compelled to at least offer another for the gals… | |
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