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 larenn002
Joined: 12/18/2009
Msg: 1
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?Page 1 of 1    
I haven't dated in 4 years so I am newly in the game. I was reading other posts and I guess I need to ask, "When do you know the time is right to invest emotionally and romantically into a realtionship? When do you go exclusive?"
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 2
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 9:58:50 AM
When there is chemistry on both ends, the two of you have spent plenty of time together and have discussed the possibility of becoming exclusive. Not to mention, ready for a steady relationship.

My point of view.
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 3
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:04:19 AM
Well only you know the answer to that. However, use your brain on that and your intuition and not your heart. Of course, the main reason is your heart is an organ that pumps blood around so it really is not good at determining anything that requires careful thought.

This sounds almost like a follow-up to your last question...and it gets back to exactly what I was saying in the last question. He senses you ARE NOT emotionally or romantically involved. And lets face it, you aren't right? You say your affectionate but there is a big difference. I only used that word to describe a process. Holding hands is affectionate but a far cry from an emotional or romantic connection. If its not there, its not there...and he's right after all. You can't force it. And generally if you have to question this, its not there.

If your not ready...if your still hurting for what happened to you 4 years ago, then such that it is...it will keep you from becoming truely emotionally involved. Its unresolved "fear". Why not be honest with him and ask him for more time...tell him you hadn't realized it but you are still having trouble "trusting"....but you do feel something for him. Who knows perhaps he will understand and it will be the beginning of you two coming together emotionally after all. I'm not sure you have anything to loose at this point, because it sounds like he is on his way out.
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 4
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:06:03 AM
And replace all occurances of your with you're...only because they are quickier to type and my brain just jumps on to typing the next word.
 somephxguy
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 5
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:08:29 AM

"When do you know the time is right to invest emotionally and romantically into a realtionship?

I don't invest in relationships. That implies (to me) I expect a return. Then it simply becomes a transaction based relationship.
I can't keep my emotions from being triggered. I can't choose what to emotionally react to, I can only choose how I behaviorally react to my emotions.

I tend to care about someone as soon as I say "hello" simply because they are then an individual human being, rather than part of the mob called "people," or "society," the depth of how much I care about them is determined by how much and how long we interact.


When do you go exclusive?"

Me personally from day one. I can't date more than one person at a time or focus romantically on more than one person at a time, there is too much to learn about someone. I am not that smart, and I am too lazy.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 6
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:14:46 AM
Date and enjoy yourself until you decide either that you are tired of dating and/or you are going to be sexual with each other.

You will have to decide if the now and present is real enough for you to give yourself sexually, or if you must have all that other parts including emotional before you do that. One does not necessarily precede the other with many, and can take on multiple options for many others.

If you are caring, concerned, and open with communications and understanding each other, that is enough connection for me to enjoy that person now and become exclusive if we age going to bed each other. It does not mean that I am "in love" with that person, just that I respect them enough, and myself, to create a relationship based on kindness and exclusivity, and not just based on sex or emotions.

Life is to short to wait for love to happen before anything else does, and if one needs to wait for that ever elusive "I must be in love" part first, one can be alone and very lonely for a long long time.

At our age, the here and now means as much, if not more, than just future, since we already had our past, raised our kids, did the marriage thing, been there and done that. What I seek is a partner that is my equal and will walk by my side no matter how that looks, because it works for us.

cd............
 larenn002
Joined: 12/18/2009
Msg: 7
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:16:40 AM
Actually we are quite connected romantically and that is incredible no doubt about it. It happened quite simply and felt right. I guess I am in the learning mode and am still clumbsy at dating. See, I tend to be direct and honest, I enjoy conversing, not just talking or listening. I asked this question because I really don't know if there are rules to dating or not. Lot's of people have told me women should have a 6-month intimacy rule. Seems excessive and not very personal.
 Thesumofallparts
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 8
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:30:53 AM

See, I tend to be direct and honest

Then you're doing just fine. Guys not only prefer direct, they understand it best, so keep doing that and you'll be fine.


Lot's of people have told me women should have a 6-month intimacy rule.

Having "rules" for this sort of thing is stupid. Once you feel comfortable and know the person well, get naked and sweaty if you want! For most guys, you will have to back them off a little, but if you make them wait six months, kiss them goodbye!
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 9
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:39:52 AM

Actually we are quite connected romantically and that is incredible no doubt about it. It happened quite simply and felt right. I guess I am in the learning mode and am still clumbsy at dating. See, I tend to be direct and honest, I enjoy conversing, not just talking or listening. I asked this question because I really don't know if there are rules to dating or not. Lot's of people have told me women should have a 6-month intimacy rule. Seems excessive and not very personal.


Ok then you think you rushed it? Because thats not what he is telling you. If that is the case, then he's just playing games. Don't hit yourself on the back side over it. Just take your strikes and move on. There are no rules--6-month intimacy rule..no. Its whatever your comfortable with. Any rules means your trying force a situation one way or the other and thats the only rule you should avoid. You didn't do anything wrong. If it didn't work for him, its just because it wasn't suppose to.
 artist_48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 10
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:40:55 AM
OP, there are no rules. Follow your heart, your mind , and your gut. Honor what you know you want and feel.
Allow a natural progression without concern for a time frame. I don't think that exlusive talks etc are needed.
When and if things progress to the point of not wanting to see others, it occurs naturally. This is said with the understanding
that you have both communicated that you are wanting a monogamous relationship. Communicate on all things ( that you seek clarity about).
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:12:47 AM
I think you have to very separate questions there. You need to invest SOMETHING emotionally to even connect with someone enough to reach the 'exclusivity' decision point. That is, you have to be emotionally open, otherwise they can't get to know you enough to MAKE a realistic exclusivity decision.
My opinion on when to go exclusive is, that it's not an emotional decision so much as a strategic/practical one. I think that going exclusive is a STAGE, between just dating, and making a formal long term commitment. When I move to the EXCLUSIVE stage, it means I'm trying out what a committed relationship (such as marriage) would really be like with this person. Anyone who has been married finds out at some point, that the same situation that fells ONE way to you when you are dating, becomes totally different when you are legally linked to that person.
Thus, going exclusive for a while before considering more is a STAGE, and can be decided upon because you DO know that you enjoy this person's company, AND you have a long term committed relationship as a personal goal, AND your appreciation of them to date suggests they might be able to fill the job. I would NOT do it simply because I was infatuated with them, or because I thought it was "expected."
 Chasing~Cars
Joined: 1/4/2010
Msg: 12
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 12:13:56 PM

I can't keep my emotions from being triggered. I can't choose what to emotionally react to, I can only choose how I behaviorally react to my emotions.

I tend to care about someone as soon as I say "hello" simply because they are then an individual human being, rather than part of the mob called "people," or "society," the depth of how much I care about them is determined by how much and how long we interact.


I pretty much agree with this, if I’m interested, I’m interested and I start to give of myself in the relationship. That doesn’t mean I invest with the hopes of a payback, if the interest I show is returned in kind, I continue right along.
 Roni L
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 13
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 12:56:23 PM
Ok last time I checked the forum is titled ASK A GUY. So why is it that so many feel like they need to interject their opinion . Stick to the script please ladies. Anyways just gotta do it when you feel the timing is right.
 Mon Cherie
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 14
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:44:31 PM

When do you know the time is right to invest emotionally and romantically into a realtionship?


I would think you are invested emotionally as soon as you connect and decide to go out for a first date.


When do you go exclusive?


I think it's totally dependant on the two people. Everyone would be different in this and I don't think there is a specific time frame. I do believe that it is a conversation that the two people need to have and not ever assumed that you are exclusive until you both agree to being exclusive. There is a good book that I read called "Are You the One for Me" by Barbara D'Angeles and she has a section on stages of commitment. It might be worth checkng into.


Ok last time I checked the forum is titled ASK A GUY. So why is it that so many feel like they need to interject their opinion . Stick to the script please ladies.


I used to think this too until I realized that it was ok to respond in the Ask a guy when a woman and Ask a girl when a man. It's not against the rules.

*******
OP - In response to your other question about being so nice I was going to post but it was at the limit, then I was going to email you my thoughts privately but you have restrictions and I'm Canadian. Hope you don't mind me commenting here.

Sounds like you have gotten a lot of good advice on the being too nice comment but...

Another thing to consider is that maybe he has you on a pedestal and finds it too hard to live up to someone so perfect. He can't see flaws so that is making him think you are too good for him. His own insecurities.

Another thought is that perhaps he thinks you are so nice that he's waiting for a major flaw to show it's ugly face and he is worried what that major flaw will be when it finally shows itself.

I would be concerned about a controlling personality if he is saying you know everyone and say hi to everyone. He may try to change you.

The other concern is the 50/50. Either he is into you or he's not. He's on the fence so that to me means not enough spark if he's not swaying more in one direction.

On the good side at least he is being communicative and honest.

Hope it works out how you want.
 midlandtom
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 15
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:52:11 PM
I never had any issues with emotional investment. If you start seeing each other I do it quite early on. Romantic part is different. Some guys are not romantic. Exclusivity when it feels comfortable.
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 16
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:55:53 PM
The answer to that would be the same as answering the question « When do you know it’s time to get married? ». Of course there is no right time as only you know when the time is right for you to move into a new stage of you life!
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 17
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 2:07:56 PM
Once you've compared them to ALL your previous partners, in a long list of ways, ONLY THEN, would one make the decision to move forward (ever so carefully)! lol
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 18
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 2:23:38 PM

Ok last time I checked the forum is titled ASK A GUY

Your answers will be found in the Forum Rules Reading the rules at the top of the page in the Forums will help you alot to understand how they work.


OP... First of don't listen to the rules, all the so calle dating books, they are a load of crap in most of our opinions. As far as waiting 6 months, Why? For me, when I go exclusive is when I don't want to date others, I want to spend my free time with him. When my focus is on him instead of all the emails or contacts in the real world. When I think of him and smile when he is thousands of miles away on business.

I am also very direct and honest, a person knows where they stand with me. When a guy and I are spending so much time together, I ask him in a joking manner are we exclusive or are we still deciding since I am confused. Usually the guy will get a surprised look and say I thought we were.

I do recommend getting complete STD testing done and not the one they offer at the local health clinics for both people.

Good luck and have fun
 deborah815
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 19
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When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 3:44:41 PM
I find the word "invest" very odd when speaking of emotional and romantic involvement. I invest my time in a project or my money in a financial portfolio with the hope of a return of some kind. If I'm looking for a payback in a relationship I might be disappointed.
 Zebra Circle
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 20
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 4:57:12 PM
Unlike gluing a model airplane together, where there are step-by-step instructions, one does not have that luxury when dating. Instead, you have to go by your intuition, you have to feel the moment, and go with your feelings.

All of these things can prove wrong, but it's all you can go by. People have been falling in love for generations after generations, so all in all, this method seems to be working.

So just have fun with whomever you're dating, and go with the flow. You'll figure it out.

Best of luck to you!
 Pondering the Circle.....
Joined: 1/18/2010
Msg: 21
When do you invest emotionally into the relationship?
Posted: 2/1/2010 5:50:17 PM
from the first contact I initiate with someone...sort of like putting your toe in the water before you dive in...it's a small emotional investment but it is there.
as our time, interest and chemistry grow I will invest more.
I am unfamiliar with the phrase "exclusive" in association with "internet dating".
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