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 ms1inamil
Joined: 12/14/2009
Msg: 1
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Dating a old friend who is going through a divorcePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I am dating an old high school friend. He is in the same boat I was last year...going through a divorce. We have a great time together and we are very attracted to one another. My question is he has been going into his cave often and texted me that he needs to sort himself out. He is lost and needs to find direction. I don't know if I should wait around or start dating again. Problem is I don't know how to read a man. He still says he wants to do things with me and tells me remember I am a good woman. So what does that mean?

Feeling lost myself...
MS
 Eldrida
Joined: 11/13/2009
Msg: 2
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Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:00:46 AM
Go back to being friends until he gets this stuff sorted out, I think. If I were going through a divorce, the last thing I'd want on top of legal, financial and emotional turmoil is the stress (even if it's "good" stress!) of dating. I think he means his affection toward you and wants you to be a good friend to him just now, because things are tough for him, but it doesn't sound like he's in an emotional position to date you.

In general, my policy is not to wait around for anyone.
 iherdcats
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 3
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:03:04 AM
At this point in his life what he needs is a friend, dating will come, but right now he has other priorities to sort out.
If what you want is to date, date! He is not in a dateable state, but good to know many others are.
Be his friend, nothing more.
 TallChick61
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 4
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:08:11 AM
Don't be his rebound. If you can be friends, go for it. But if you can't let go of the attraction and romance, cut off all contact.

After a divorce, you need at least a year to let go of the past, and start enjoying your future again. He needs that time, too. Don't complicate the process.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 5
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:15:15 AM
A divorce is hard on people and you have to be careful not to just be the one used for a rebound....mostly though people do rebounding on others without realising it.

If you can handle not letting it get too involved, and just being a friend and date some, then its probably okay. It really depends on if you think he is worth doing this for and waiting for him to come around.

After a divorce, there is a lot of re concilations, coming to terms with things. sorting out yourself...do you want to jump back into a relation or wait a while..etc etc...its very hard and your hurting too.

Many just don't always want to jump back into something, others can't wait....

Its good he was upfront about this...its really your call....be a friend and more as in dating, but you know what that usually leads to...or just go ahead and date and still be a friend to him...

Maybe just riding it out a little while will give you more insite.....It can take some a while after a divorce to get themselves really together....I've seen some of these right after divorse things work out, and ones that didn't.

You can't read him, if right now, he can't read himself.
 vanililly
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 6
separated
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:15:24 AM
In short : don't do it, woman.

He is still married (that means MARRIED) to another woman.
Which means he isn't free to pursue others. Which means that even if he will be with you, he will feel it's ok to date other women because he isn't happy with you.

Uhm... Yeah. Great. Just what I would wish for you if you were my sister. Good luck with that.

Seriously. Get out. Now.
 Herding Cats
Joined: 8/15/2008
Msg: 7
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separated
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:33:08 AM
I know a man that's been separated for almost two years and is still his ex's personal yo-yo. He's got a profile here and actively looking, but he's nowhere near done. He also gets in a hole and is always in "a dark place" where he withdraws from everything because of his mourning the loss of the relationship he thought he was getting but never actually had.

It's a lot of work and stress to care for him. I still do, but it's a bumpy, bumpy road and I'd caution anyone to avoid getting too close for quite some time.
You will get hurt.
 monalee1
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 8
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:44:36 AM
hi.. OP, so sorry that this relationship has made this turn... dating is complicated enough without choosing to date somene who is not fully recovered from their past relationship... personally I never date someone who is only just legally separated and I try not to get involved with someone newly divorced, for reasons that should be obvious... I think that I would end the situation and pick it up after some time after the divorce, not the ~if he comes back theory~ as much as it is to avoid complications that take away from the fun that a new relationship should bring... blessings with this
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:59:32 AM
Oh boy. I agree with the others cautioning you to keep some space between you. He might be a great guy, and you and he may be an excellent match, HOWEVER: the BOTH of you are not completely healed from your splits with others. You are further along no doubt, but nevertheless...
Both divorce, and non-marital split ups, require a person to re-establish themselves as an individual before they can make any realistic commitments to another. Imagine it like a house, which has been torn in two. Before you can set another one next to it safely, it must be either completely rebuilt, or shorn up and repaired thoroughly. Otherwise it will fall, and bring down the new one next to it.
I respect the fact that this fellow is doing as he is, withdrawing into his cave when he needs to, to ponder and resolve his own internal issues, rather than trying to get you to swap-out replace his ex, body for body, notion for notion. That is best for the both of you, in the long run.
Go ahead and start dating again. I don't believe in "meant to be," in part because it has as it's corollary that if you miss your chance, it's gone forever. Both are nonsense. If you BOTH date others, and one day when healed come together again, you can have a wonderful time THEN, just as you would have to wait painfully for, if you simply hang around while each heals. In fact, since dating others will HELP you recover, you relationship in the future will likely be better SOONER, if you keep dating others now.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 10
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:07:07 AM
I completely agree with Eldrida (post #2)

He is in a period of weakness and turmoil at many levels and it will be very easy for him to confuse or misinterpret things, including why or how he is dating you, as it is also easy for you to also "weep" or "feel" for someone who is currently hurting.

Take a step back, be a friend and when all dust have settles and that he is fully back to his former self, stable and all; then you can elevate this to another plateau if needed, wanted and of course reciprocated.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 11
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Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:11:31 AM
Don't expect anything from him in the way of a lasting relationship. He needs you now because he is going through a lot. He needs comfort and more (as we all do) and if he can find that with a friend, then it's great for him. But once he has got through the difficult sorting stage and coming to terms with much loss, he'll realise that he's no longer tied to a marriage and free to date who he likes. He may start exercising that freedom and you could be hurt. He needs to find out who he is outside of his former relationship and, at some point or other, he's likely to start asserting that need. He is in a state of emotional flux at the moment. When the dust settles all may change. Protect yourself by keeping a little distance. Keep him as a friend for a couple of years and then see if he's still interested. I guess it's too late for that but you could return to that state. You don't want to be the rebound that he hurt and then, subsequently, never contacted again due to having blown it first time.
 deborah815
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 12
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Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:14:26 AM
A divorce is a form of death, many people need the time to grieve and to heal. He is telling you that he likes you, yet he needs time and space and to "into his cave", maybe he needs counseling or some kind of professional help. It sounds as though you're ready for a new relationship but he's not there yet. You may want to date other men at this time if the opportunity comes your way. Good luck.
 somephxguy
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 13
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:29:09 AM

So what does that mean?

It means you are great to have around for security and relief of stress and anxiety during this time. Especially because you don't really know each other. You have an old relationship you can support yourself with. It's easier to lean on that than to build something new.


My question is he has been going into his cave often and texted me that he needs to sort himself out. He is lost and needs to find direction.

This means he's hiding himself from you. That he can't communicate with you. That you represent something to him when you are together. But more of an external to his life, a crutch or something, rather than attempting to accept you into it.


I don't know if I should wait around or start dating again.

Wait around for what? You think he is going to hand you a relationship sandwich?
What are you looking for from him?


So what does that mean?

That basically you are being used, possibly objectified, kind of like a rebound, for validation and acceptance. Potentially to fulfill what is missing in his current relationship, but at least as an escape from the stress in his life and who he wishes he was.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 14
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:29:31 AM
The divorce is not final, so that to me still mean he's married!

Dont be selfish!
If you went through the same thing then you should know what kind of an emotional and financial rollercoaster ride it is! Back off!
Give him room to breath and find out who and what he needs out of life instead of worrying about the divorce AND what your needs are!
If you can HONESTY be his friend (without the emotions of a gf or x-gf getting in the way) then do so, otherwise, break off contact and be on your way!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15
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Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:33:42 AM
I wouldn't stop dating. Your friend is probably not going to be right in the head for about a year and if you get more deeply involved now there is probably upwards of 95% chance that any relationship will tank.

Stay in touch, go on dates if you like, be a reserved friend, because if he starts using you as his therapist any relationship will be toast there as well. When he finally gets past it, he will associate you with it, so you want to help him but not be the shoulder he constantly runs to.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 16
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 1:02:39 PM
This man is not ready for a serious relationship. You are very likely going to end up being his 'rebound person' and that usually doesn't end well. Give him the time and space he needs to come to grips with his situation and just be his friend for now. I would avoid any romantic involvement at this time. When he is over his ex and his divorce is history, if you both want to see what this friendship may lead, then would be the time to proceed romantically.



Hey, Herding Cats, it's great to see you back! It's been way too long.
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 17
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 1:16:49 PM

It's a lot of work and stress to care for him. I still do, but it's a bumpy, bumpy road and I'd caution anyone to avoid getting too close for quite some time.
You will get hurt.



mind vapires that saps your energy dragging you down their spiral of misery.

every one deserves better.

OP stop selling your self short and keep in mind the other opportunities available to you.

"You" are not going to fix him or save him.....he has to do that on his own.
 guyd42
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 18
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Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 1:17:04 PM
He’s in a mess and not ready to date anyone. This will only result in one thing: You will sleep together, you will fall for him, he will tell you that it’s going too fast and guess what? This great and long friendship will be over just like that! Can you see, I’ve been there? Do you want to risk losing that friend? If not, keep your pants on!
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 19
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 1:23:12 PM
Problem is I don't know how to read a man. He still says he wants to do things with me and tells me remember I am a good woman. So what does that mean?

I couldn't tell you what is going on in his mind. I am like him, sometimes me being in the "cave" alone is the only way. The only thing I can say is forget the dating thing with him for a while and just be his "friend".
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 20
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:11:54 PM
Well, if his divorce is new he definitely needs some cave time. And some time to screw things up. And some time to just be in his own head. You will absolutely get hurt if you try there even in a very casual way (even if he doesn't mean to hurt you). You will also interfere with his ability to go through all of the phases he needs to in order to be 'okay' and emotinally available to pursuit a relationship at all (even a a casual one).

I know this is hard and hurts. But,if you can simply be friends, then great (make sure it's just friends though). Otherwise distance yourself from him. Let him initiate the contact. And definitely don't wait around , get out yourself and date..that will get easier. And don't let him rope you into being half there, half not (it wouldn't necessarily be somthing he is doing on purpose..just where he's at right now).

Then after he's sorted himself out, if you are not serious about anybody..and you two want to pursuit something, it will have a shot at not being gut wrenching =) And..just start over at that point..hang out , have fun, date. If something is going to develop, it will..if not, you have a good friend. You can't have a good, healthy relationship without a good foundation..and that is two healthy , and emotionally available individuals =)
 starliteshadow
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 21
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:54:28 PM
It sounds like at the moment, he needs a good friend, not another lover. You have the ability to put yourself right where he is now, because of your experience - that could be a good support, however, if you want a relationship with him, then I would say wait. He knows you like him (I'm assuming he knows you "like" him, as more than a friend) - so if he likes you enough, he will come after you when and if he feels ready. Carry on living your life for now, and be the friend if you want - but relationships at this point is only going to cause more harm than good.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 22
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:57:33 PM
I have one question for you...

When you were going through your divorce, would you say that you were lost, needed to find direction and needed your space?

If you can answer yes to just ONE of those questions, then I guess I'm wondering what you're doing to him and yourself.

There's nothing to read...he's going through a divorce,,,and you just did this so I'm wondering why you're involving yourself with someone who is doing what you just did.

We all want someone...but don't you think you deserve someone who's got his divorce behind him?
 sushi0004
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 23
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Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 3:19:42 PM
Dating someone with baggage = DOOM to any potential relationship.

Unless you want someone he can **** his anger and issues out in, be his friend, he needs one of those more now anyways.

I don't care how healthy people say they are about it, divorce messes with your brin big time and takes a loooooong time to heal from, and if we're being honest, I think it affects men longer than women simply because men are to macho to talk about how bad it has hurt them and women express and heal.

If you really wanrt to explore the potential of a relationship with theis guy, wait until he is emotionally ready for one.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 24
Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 3:21:24 PM
You said you just went through the same thing a year ago.

I wouldn't date you. You both have things to work out. Neither one of you should be seriously dating. You will just cause pain.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 25
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Dating a old friend who is going through a divorce
Posted: 2/6/2010 3:35:20 PM
What it means is thanks for the sex, but don't ask me for a relationship.
He's just getting out of a decade plus entanglement and he wants to sow his wild oats a second time before declaring himself someones BF.
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