Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 MichNative78
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.Page 1 of 1    
Well I am in a bit of a bind in that something happened that I worked very hard and made every effort to avoid…I fell for my roommate. We moved in together a couple of months ago after I had posted an ad on Craigslist. We met and we really hit off in the sense we got along real well and seem to want a lot of the same things in our home life (namely a chilled relaxed atmosphere…and a roommate who wasn’t wacked out of their mind).

Since we moved in together; it’s our place…and I am proud to say that we’ve made it a real show place. Anyways, one of the things that I asked for in my ad originally was someone who was single or not seeing anybody real seriously (as I wasn’t looking to be involved in anyone else’s relationship nor did I want to deal with the insecure boyfriend). Well I started to kind of start seeing someone just before we moved in together and so was she…so it kind of balanced out; in the end though…it didn’t work out for anyone of us.

We’ve also I’ve come to believe to become very friendly in that we do stuff together (i.e. go out to the local pub to have drinks, shopping for the house, etc). Well recently I’ve noticed she’s been on edge a little bit and I noticed it kind of picked up after I had a girl over two weeks ago (this was only the second time I’ve done this since we’ve moved in together…and she herself brought a guy home in that time from the pub we go to).

I was real concerned and after consulting a few female friends (being women…I figured I needed a woman’s perspective); I was told that I should talk to her about it in a tactful manner. About two days later I did attempt to…and as I soon as I started with “I noticed you’ve been on edge lately…” she ripped right into me. She was saying that there were issues with her job, and that when she comes home she just wants to go into her room and save me from being a **** to me. Well she also said that if she could afford to, she would be living on her own. The way she said it came off as a personal dig at me…and for some reason it really hurt.

Well I decided to consult my female friends again; and they asked me if there had in the time we had been together any indicators that have made take a pause. I listed the following:
•When we first moved in together, she told me that she usually prefers to date older guys (she’s 25) because they usually have their stuff together and have a clear direction.

•When were out together one night at the local dive bar; I had this girl hitting on me…who turned out to be the girlfriend of the bartender (whom I’ve known for a few years). Well after fending her off for awhile; my roommate came over to me and said she was taking off with this guy she had met; and I was like rock on. I came home and as I was passing by her room she came out which startled me and told me that she had company and I was like “good for you”.

The next day I was talking about what had happened the night before with her; and she got real catty about the girl hitting on me basically not real enthused about it. I asked her if she thought anything was going to happen with that other guy…she said most likely not because of their conflicting schedules.

My female friends seemed to think that it after all that was that she was having a territorial issue with the girl I had brought over (that hadn’t met) or that she liked me. I was like “yeah ok”, but her being on edge was really starting to effect me in other parts of my life (in that I was getting edgy). Well as I was going to talk with her about it because something needed to be said…she seemed to go back to being her normal self.
Well last Saturday she asked if I wanted to her make dinner of which I didn’t have a problem with. A little later before she started to make dinner, she had come up to me and asked if I still had wanted to go to the pub with her tonight. I was a little confused because I had planned on going and hadn’t even invited her along nor even had brought it up to her during the week at all. Well we had dinner which was very good and we went out. She only stayed about an hour (as she was getting up in the morning to continue to train for a marathon she ran in this weekend) and then I left. I stayed until after midnight.

The next day on Sunday; everything like it seemed to be going back to normal…and I was content and very relieved. About mid afternoon, she said a male friend of hers she works with was going to spend the night as he had an all day appointment somewhere near where we lived, of which I was like “ok”. Well just before I went to bed, I had asked what had happened to her friend; she was saying something along the lines that something came up to where he had to reschedule. I said to her that my concern was that I would wake him up as I do get up for work pretty early (4:30am) and I didn’t want to startle anyone. She goes into her room for about 5 secs…comes back out and says that he’s the kind of friend that wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch; but in her room.

To be honest, I was real confused about why she would need to clarify that for me as that was really none of my business nor did I understand why she had to go into her room and back out and say that. Well then things were really starting to get on edge for me…and it was effecting me in the other areas of my life again. It finally hit me hard on Tuesday, and Wednesday morning I decided I was taking Friday off (as about 5 people…including her saying that I was taking a “mental health day”).

Well Wednesday, she had come home and asked if I had eaten as she had bought lasagna at Trader Joes. As we were having dinner, I brought up with her had happened last week and how what she had said on Tuesday as being a bit hurtful and Sunday really being none of my business. She reiterated that she can be kind of ****, and while she would like to be living alone; she likes our situation as well. Well since she had bought dinner; I offered to take her out the next evening.

We went out to dinner to this nice, small Italian place I knew (of which she really liked); and during our dinner I asked again why she was single. She stated that a lot of men were intimidated by the amount of money she makes, and that she’s very confident and sure of herself. She said that men generally don’t know what they want and aren’t ready for anything serious until they’re 31 (my exact age); though she would prefer them at 27 as they can be still molded somewhat lol. We had a great evening and when we got home and we each reached our respective rooms; I realized that somewhere along the way I had fallen for her and while that’s not a good thing in this situation…I did feel better as I finally recognized what it was and it seem to take the stress of me somewhat.

First of all…thank you for taking the time and reading this lengthy detailed account (as I want to be sure in the advice I seek…I am providing as much detail as I can recall). I am just looking for advice in what I should do and/or if I am reading this wrong. Second, I ask that only women respond as this is a woman I am dealing with, not a man. I am not looking to be ridiculed nor jested at as I am actually not sure what to do and not looking to destroy the dynamic we’ve built here in our home.
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 4:16:03 PM
My eyes hurt. Too much to read in one setting. Need cliff notes.
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 4:33:04 PM

Seems to be a LOT of sexual tension between the two of you. You're interested in her. She MIGHT be interested in you. MAYBE she's doing and saying things to try to make you "jealous". She sounds a little bit on the immature side. She is only 25. It kinda goes with the territory.

Talk with her. Ask her if she has thought about the two of you "romantically" or "dating". It's her chance to show some REAL interest. Listen CAREFULLY. Do not, I repeat do NOT bare your soul/spill your guts with her about how you're "falling for her." Remember you live with her, at least for now. IF she expresses interest, then tell her that you're ALSO "interested". That's ALL. The short version. Show some self-respect. Be calm. It's still VERY early. One step at a time. One day at at time. Breeeeeeeeeaaaaaathe.

(Go COLTS !!)

 9035768
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 4
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 4:39:39 PM
"I am not looking to be ridiculed nor jested at "
Very few people are.

I second worbug on that first post. Or third by the time I get through it... maybe 20th, or even missed it, lol.


" 'I noticed you’ve been on edge lately…' she ripped right into me. "
That can easily be seen as an accusation. False accusations, or accusations the person does not believe are true will also easily cause the person to rip into you. Well, duh.

And btw, the story should have started about three sentences before that. With girl roommate that was exactly what I requested, but oops, I'm falling for her.


" The way she said it came off as a personal dig at me "
Oh, crap, you mean wording, not tone right? Because tone is not admissible in court or any rational discussion.


" she got real catty about the girl hitting "
I want a quote. "Catty" is only marginally better than tone.


" I was real confused about why she would need to clarify that ... nor did I understand why she had to go into her room and back out and say that "
Only one person knows and I'm not even making a list of rational reasons for you. She knows. Ever heard the phrase, "Straight from the horse's mouth?" Don't call her horse faced, though.


" at Trader Joes "
THAT tidbit is important and what she actually said to make you feel she was "catty" was not important?


" I am just looking for advice in what I should do and/or if I am reading this wrong."
So, you've fallen for her and she does not seem very interested. You live with the woman and you want to know what to do.
Grow a pair and ask her out, or continue to be just a roommate.


" I ask that only women respond as this is a woman I am dealing with, not a man. "
:roll:
Well, if you want people to read the more than a screen of info, read the rules. You get what you give.
 twinmd77
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 5
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 4:52:02 PM

You are stuck. (From a guy's perspective who long ago was attracted to a female housemate.)

And no, bringing up dating is not a great idea. Two things will likely happen.
She's not interested, you've shown your hand and are done for.
She says ok and you date with the relationship already in hyper-overdrive by living together.
Not good. Especially if things fail, as likely they could.

There's already enough drama in that household it sounds...

I'd take cold showers and look for someone else.
At least while you are both coming home to the same roof.

If you are going to try to do it anyway, leave yourself a quick out if one of you has to move out quickly.

Re- edit: ok you said last time it came crashing down... there's your answer, unless you hope lightening won't strike twice
Good luck
 deborah815
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 4:55:52 PM
Thank God you used paragraph breaks because that's one long story. Anyway, it seems to me like you don't know what you want. Do you want a roommate or do you want a girlfriend? The whole thing sounds rather controlling to me, too much drama. My advice? Date her and mate her and stop analyzing.
 SoftAndHappy
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 7
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 5:00:03 PM
Well... you've certainly been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing. Do you know why people do this? It's because they want to do things perfectly. That's a whole lot of pressure...

"Have you ever thought of us together?" is an awesome question as another poster pointed out. Be open to the idea that she will either say 'yes' or 'no'. The longer you think about it and analyze it, the more you are going to have vested in the answer.

Just ask. Don't try to make a move (unless she says 'yes'). Don't try to get all romantic. Just ask. Not a biggie.
 MichNative78
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 5:05:07 PM
Twinmd77: I totally agree where you are coming from...I had a situation like this several years ago, and boy did it coming crashing down like Rome (which is why I am being very cautious about making any definitive moves as I do like the dynamic we have going).

Deborah815: I wish it were that simple...like I said I like the dynamic we have going and I don't want to lose that. In thinking about it, I seem to be getting a lot of mixed signals....and before I really screw up home situation; I want to make sure it's worth it.

Anybody know of any sublte, definitive ways to get clean up the reception in signals? I had a few friends suggest flowers that send the message of friendship but I am open to more (probaly because Valentines Day is coming up next weekend)...that does seem rather underhanded and cheesy.
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 6:01:06 PM
Oh Good Grief. Just ask her in passing, "So you ever think about us in a romantic (or dating or more than friends) way?"

Be prepared in case she chuckles and says no. What would you say? "Yeah, me either, just making sure we're on the same page since things have been kinda weird around here, lately. I'm happy to just be friends and roommates. Cool." Or something like that. Then go on with your life. Easy peasy.

Then you know whether she's interested and that it's NOT the reason things have been so crazy around the house. Lol.
 twinmd77
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 10
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 6:39:47 PM

Trying to make light of it... you might as well walk in the room with a dozen red roses to violin music playing.
In my experience women can smell fervid interest / desperation a mile away in guys they are around a lot.
She's at least thought about what has actually happened.

Part of the problem with being ambiguous is she might be just as evasive in responding.
It'll be interesting either way...
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 6:46:37 PM
I would bet that if you have been falling for her and have only just become aware of it, that she was aware of it earlier than you. This may account for the tension, if she's not sure it's what she wants. On the other hand, she may not be aware but seems to feel uncomfortable about having other men round. She's also noticing you having women around (or at least paying attention to them) so it's a very mixed situation. It seems to me neither of you knows what's going on with the other and you are both hiding your feelings well. If that's the case, then each will be reacting to what they think the other one is signalling at the time, and getting hopelessly confused by the reactions too.

There's only one way to find out if she's interested and that is to ask her if she's every considered you both romantically. ManicMelanie's advice on this is good. If she says no and it's clear she's not interested, then you'll need to cope somehow without putting pressure on her. I'm sure you wouldn't deliberately. Good luck!
 tjl2280
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 12
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 7:14:13 PM
Damn that was way too much information, bring a bottle of vodka into the house and things will work themselves out.
 MichNative78
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 8:45:41 PM
She is pretty intelligent...so she either knows how I am feeling or suspects; and you're right she probaly picked up on it before I did. While I am about half****d to go knock on her door and tell her I feel....I also have to be damn sure before I do as a lot of negative things can happen if things can bad.

FYI: There's already Vodka in the house....but I am a beer guy and she's a wine conisour.
 Your Tim Taylor
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 14
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 9:54:52 PM
Dude even though you said no guys I'm answering anyway. Holy crap you really need to grow a set.. Ok, all of the signs are there whether she admits it or not she has some feelings for you and you were in denial about your feelings for her. She only took these guys home and made the comments to make you jealous. Remember advise is something that you ask for when you already know the answer, but dont want to deal with it. I think you need to make a list of all of the good things that could happen if you start dating her and all of the bad things including her moving out.
 PunkJesster
Joined: 11/26/2007
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/7/2010 10:15:20 PM
Ok here are my thoughts:

You are interested in taking things further with her - tell her that one night whilst having dinner. One of two outcomes:

1. She releases all her pent up adoration for you - hooray! You commence dating.
2. She loses her sh!t and since she already has been mentioning living on her own, go with it and let her go.

Taadaa!
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/8/2010 8:51:59 AM
OP, do you want to end up looking for a new room mate? Be very careful, if you think this girl knows that you like her and she hasnt really made a move yet, there may not be any interest at her end. She may be trying to send out signals to you that she isnt interested and you are reading them all wrong. If this girl was serious about getting together with you I highly doubt she would be having multiple partners and bringing them home, that doesnt exactly scream relationship material now does it?

I dont think there is anything going on at her end, but YOUR infatuation with her is probably crossing some boundaries and that is making her uncomfortable....
 hippopatumus
Joined: 1/31/2010
Msg: 17
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/8/2010 5:26:19 PM
Oh Good Grief. Just ask her in passing, "So you ever think about us in a romantic (or dating or more than friends) way?"


I agree with this...You are thinking this over too much and your head is going to explode if you don't just take action. Whatever the outcome, at least you will can give yourself some peace.

P. S don't send flowers.
 MichNative78
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/21/2010 8:59:13 AM
UPDATE:

Well a few things have happend since I last posted; I did go thru with the flowers (already I can hear the "Good Gods"...); but I wanted to make a bold move of some kind. These particular flowers were roses ( half a dozen; but the kind known as Fire and Ice...white with red mixed into the flower). Since she was leaving for the weekend last weekend (Valentines Day weekend) mainly because she wanted to avoid Valentines Day.

I got the flowers Thursday night; and Friday morning before I left work, I left them on the kitchen table; with a card that said "I just wanted to show you my continued appreciation for everything you bring into our home, and into my life." I came home Friday and she followed about 45 min later. As she was packing to leave for the weekend, she thank me for the flowers and proceeded to talk about how Valentines Day sucks (at one point referring to it as "Single Awareness Day"). Then she left.

My view was "I made my move, know it's up to her". I decided to just push through; and even went to a speed dating event (which out the alleged 200 people that had signed up...only 5 guys including myself showed). The only thing of worth while note was that I met a woman at the bar there, and we exchanged numbers. We talked through the week...and we had dinner Friday night. It was a pleasent evening; but I just honestly wasn't feeling it...she was an attractive woman, funny, vibrant; but not my roommate. She also at the end of the evening gave me the dreaded "hug".

On my home, I had a moment of despair when I realized I was probaly going to end up alone for the rest of my life; which put me into a bit of depression. I got home noticed that the domelight was on my roommates truck. I knocked on her door, told her that; she stated that she really didn't want to go down and turn it off...I said that I would. When she handed me her keys, our hands briefly touched and in that moment that point of despair really got hammered in.

So much so, that from 11pm on Friday for pretty until this morning....I slept, as I honestly did not have the motivation or the strength to get up because I honestly I feel that way. This is the first time in my life that I have ever felt this strongly about anyone that it would effect me physically. My cousin (a very insightful; world weary traveler) was brought up to date when she called me, and she told me in no uncertain terms...that I had to tell her as this is really starting to effect me that severly.

So today, I am going to tell her how I feel about her and how important she is to me...and I just am going to let the chips where they may.
 ElenaSemprini
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 19
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/21/2010 12:05:19 PM
Wow. You've built up a lot in your mind and analyzed every word and touch to death.

I have not seen anything, ANYTHING that your roommate has said or done that indicates to me that she returns your feelings, other than as a friend.

Roommates bring home dinner. They hang out. They do each other favors. Christ, she's sleeping with other people!

You're about to ruin a good living situation with your schoolboy crush. What a shame. Next time, try a male roommate. And make sure not to develop "feelings" for him, either.
 Sarah2211
Joined: 1/12/2010
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/21/2010 12:35:05 PM
OMG - this girl is 100% not interested in you.


She went so far as to LEAVE for the entire Valentines Day weekend to AVOID you. If she had any, repeat any, romantic feeling for you at all, she would have spent the day with you.


You are obviously single and available, considering that you are the type to go to the speed dating events. She knows that you are there.

You gave her roses that said "Thanks for what you bring to my life" Busted. That's a romantic statement, (not a roommate comment) then she dismissed your whole overture by saying "Valentine's day sucks"



Here's the question: Why did you get a female roommate? Is this a version of the guy becoming "friends" with a girl in the hopes of getting her? Did you just pretend to need a roommate as a way to get to women? So that you could interview 10 girls and pick out the one you were most attracted to?

Dude. Let it go. She is not into you.

If you really are afraid of being alone, start being honest, stop trying to "trick" a girl into your life, and lower your standards to a girl in your actual dating league.
 tallsmilesforyou
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.
Posted: 2/21/2010 1:57:42 PM
OP - if she was truly interested in you she would NOT bring home other guys to spend the night, she would have stayed home Valentine's weekend and she would have planted a big ol' wet one on you when she got the flowers.

The tension you feel is not sexual tension; she is obviously trying to tell you she likes you as a platonic roommate but nothing more.

Next time get a male roommate and stop expecting your life to parallel a Penthouse Forum's story.
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > Not sure what I should do...as this could have consequences.