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 Maid_of_Kent
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 1
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's childrenPage 1 of 1    
Hopefully grandchildren will be a very very long way off for me. However, I have three sons and when they eventually do have their own families, I just wondered whether grandparenting takes on a different role dependent if they are your daughter's children or your son's. Actually that doesn't make sense, but I think you get my drift ...

Would be interested to hear other forum members' opinions and experiences. Thanks.
 Mizphitz
Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 2
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 1:49:54 AM
Yes I have always thought it different for maternal grandmothers. Probably bourne from personal experience within my own family Although I realise it's not always the case, a mum will usually be much closer to her own mother and so it seems to follow that the children are too
 Personality Girl
Joined: 12/21/2009
Msg: 3
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 2:00:58 AM
I have 2 sons and i often wonder what it would be like if they became fathers where would i fit in i would obviously love to have a lot time with my grandchildren but realise that the mums mum would want that to I decided long ago that i will wait see how it goes and always be there for them both with offers of babysitting etc
 cosmopolitan71
Joined: 5/21/2008
Msg: 4
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Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 2:01:46 AM
I don't quite understand what you mean.

I had two sons (& only wanted boys) & now I have two grandchildren from my eldest son. I have a grandson & grandaughter. I love my grandaughter to bits (people keep saying she's the double of me poor thing!) but I'm alot closer to my grandson. It's like having my boys all over again but without that 24hr parenting. If I can take my grandson with me somewhere I will & I have a very maternal protective instinct with him.

I'm have a very loving close relationship with my boys & any children they have for me is a part of them, me & family & will all be very close aswell.
 doodlesabout
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 5
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 2:06:04 AM
yes it is different, apparently its all to do with evolution, as the paternal grandmother there is no certainty in a genetic relationship with the child, whereas the maternal grandmother can be totally confident that she is related to the child, and unconciously we are aware of this and so we instinctively devote more time to our daughters children i hope that is not too boring an answer, lol x
 Personality Girl
Joined: 12/21/2009
Msg: 6
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 2:08:19 AM
think what the original poster meant was do the mothers family take over or are given precedence with the child and is the dads mother feel out of it at times Its not always the case i realise this but it does happen thats the way i read the post sorry if i am wrong
 Maid_of_Kent
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 7
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 2:09:48 AM
The vast majority of mums have close relationships with their sons, I 100% agree. However, I do believe that old saying which is something like "a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life". When a daughter has a baby, naturally in most cases her mum is on hand to help etc etc and im not saying the mum-in-law is shut out, just that maybe its difficult to perhaps be so hands on. I mean, I don't know from my personal experience, but its interesting to hear other's opions and perspectives. Thanks all.
 cyber slut
Joined: 11/30/2009
Msg: 8
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 2:12:57 AM
it worries me that my son will have a child and there will be some kind of rift between him and the childs mum and i will not get to watch my grandchild growing up... this is not likely to be a problem with my daughter because if there is a rift the child will be with her...

there is a difference. paternal grandparents don't always have the same opportunities for involvement as maternal grandparents..

assuming that all is well in their family, i don't see why there should be a difference...
 cosmopolitan71
Joined: 5/21/2008
Msg: 9
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Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 2:17:51 AM
Ok I sort of understand what you mean now & I must say I feel in a very fortunate position then.
I have a very close relationship with my daughter-in-law & I also get on very well with her mother, we have all been out several times in town, family do's, & my daughter-in-laws mother often invites me up for dinner on a monday evening if I'm about, we've got a great friendship.

I work fulltime & very long hours & my daughter-in-laws mum also works fulltime so we both can only be around so much. Both us mums are there for when we can just depends who's around at the time.
 pleegeree
Joined: 5/14/2009
Msg: 10
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 4:04:18 AM
When I was little my grandma ( my mums mum) said to her sons wife "Our girl did not cry like that!" meaning me while her sons children were to her same as me. This caused a big problem at the time, my aunt took such offense she did not speak to poor grandma for a while but then it all gone back to normal
 Nats 2010
Joined: 12/18/2009
Msg: 11
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 8:18:44 AM
I have two girls so I don't have the same worry but being on the other side of it, I have made a huge effort to ensure that my girl's paternal grandparents stay in their life. It could have been simpler to just shut the door on the whole of his family but I could never deprive that woman of her grandchildren. They are the only grandchildren she has and she adores them. My girls are very close to her.
 hazyjinty
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 12
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 8:22:52 AM
I'm hopefully a long way from grandparent status as well but do have friends with grandchildren and it seems that in some cases their daughters children are favoured due to the closeness they already have and it not being a 'new' relationship with a daughter in law.

Some though do favour their sons children but it tends to be down to location and work patterns.

Some seem to have no difference and granny seems to always have a mixture of grandchildren with them.
 lynx-1950
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 13
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 8:39:06 AM
I have a granddaughter - she is my son's child. When she was born I expected to take a back seat as I thought the maternal grandmother would play a bigger part in her upbringing. For the first 6 months of her life that's how it was and I was happy to have her when I could accepting that she would probably see her other nanny more.

How things change! The relationship between my son and his partner broke down. The mother could not look after her baby and now my son and granddaughter both live with me. I cant see this changing any time soon.
 lulu1402
Joined: 3/24/2007
Msg: 14
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 9:16:35 AM
My children always regarded my mum as their grand mother and were a lot closer to her than their fathers mum ,she had 2 children in her forties so she had enough looking after them and her grown up children still at home .i think it is a different role if its your son ,a daughter tends to have more in commen with her mother than her mother in law and so the children saw a lot more of her
 allwoman54
Joined: 1/16/2009
Msg: 15
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 5:44:29 PM
I have grandchildren by my son, and grandchildren by my eldest daughter.

I would say I am more hands on with my daughters children. Not to say I am not as close to my sons children, because I am, but my wonderful daughter in law ( that I love as a daughter) naturally sees more of her own mother who then sees more of my sons children.

My own daughter is close to me and I naturally see more of her children.

I think thats the question that the OP was asking?

I love them all so very much, but yes 'a son is a son until he takes a wife, and a daughter is a daughter for life'. I would agree with that to a point. My son and I are very close, and its great I get along very well with his wife, but I feel I have more input (cant think of a better word) and a closer connection with my own daughters children.

I feel more able to help/advise my own daughter with anything that may crop up, whereas my daughter-in-law turns to her own mother for advice.

I love all the children equally, but am closer to my daughters children.

HTH
 portskerra
Joined: 1/16/2010
Msg: 16
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Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/13/2010 5:54:47 PM
you checking me out? you've got an excellent proile.
 GliderGirl
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 17
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/14/2010 2:32:52 AM
My son's daughter has just been born (last week) so I'm feeling my way with this very issue so it's very topical for me. I went down to see them on the day (with my ex and our daughter) and met his girlfriend's family who were very welcoming and made it clear we were welcome to come any time and stay if we wanted, so I'm hopeful we will develop a good relationship if (as Cyber Slut alluded to) it all went Pete Tong.

I've always liked his gf (thank goodness) and have offered her support throughout the pregnancy, which my parents-in-law didn't do ... which offended me. I think it's important to have a strong relationship with the girlfriend/daughter-in-law so you're there when she needs you. My daughter is hopefully a few years off having any children but I imagine she'll need me more.


<div class="quote"> you checking me out? you've got an excellent proile. wrong place?
 ~Leannie~
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 18
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/14/2010 4:38:54 AM
i think a lot of it will depend on how much you take your son's partner into the bosom of your family.

from my own experience (as a grandchild) we spend loads more time with our paternal grandparents than we ever did with my maternal ones....maybe that was because we just lived closer to the paternal ones.....but....we were also closer to them.

my paternal grandmother was very close to my mother, and we were always doing things together when i was little.

i think the key to having as much involvement as possible in your grandchildrens lives, is in creating a strong bond with your son AND his partner.

and as an edit....

it's my birthday tomorrow, and i don't know if i'm starting to feel old, but the thought has crossed my mind more and more lately about me and my grandchildren (i haven't got any yet, and hope not to have them for a few more years yet!) but i'm starting to really look forward to having them :D
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 19
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/16/2010 6:50:38 PM
feel more able to help/advise my own daughter with anything that may crop up, whereas my daughter-in-law turns to her own mother for advice.

I love all the children equally, but am closer to my daughters children.


I had step-grandchildren with my son and his wife.........although I loved those girls without reserve. Still the idea is always there that if they break up.......where does that leave me as their grandma. After ten years they did break up and I haven't seen the girls since.
I had the same thing with my husband's grandchildren. I was there from birth on and played a very acive role with them. Actually a lot more than the natural grandparents in both cases.
After my husband's death, his ex..........even though they hadn't been together in way over twenty years...threw a hissy fit because the kids spent so much time with me..and to her I was no longer their grandma. I refused to put the kids in the middle although they still called me and asked to come over.
My daughter and son-in-law have a beautiful baby boy that is soon to be one. He was adopted at birth.
I can't explain the difference except as another poster said.......this one is my daughter's so in the unlikely event that something would happen to their marriage...I would not have a problem seeing my grandson.
I also feel more relaxed with him.
That fact makes me much closer to him. AND he fact that he is just AWESOME!!!!!!LOl
I also have four grandchildren from my oldest daughter ( actually a step -daughter from my previous marriage..but she and I are still close as I am with my own daughter.) She was 4 when I married her dad......stayed with me after the divorce.........and is now 31. I feel extremely close to those kids because I have always been close to her.
I think the old addage of a son is a son until he takes a wife..etc is true.
 Artemis2009
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 20
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Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/17/2010 7:08:00 AM
In my family (5 sisters) the paternal grandparents didn't have equal opportunities with the grandchildren. Also, I can only ever remember seeing my paternal grandmother twice in my life, whereas I saw my maternal grandmother regularly.

I think a lot depends on the relationship between the mother and her mother-in-law - which is another good reason for them getting on well together!
 alan0866
Joined: 9/1/2007
Msg: 21
Grandchildren; is it different if they are your son's or daughter's children
Posted: 2/17/2010 2:48:56 PM
Im a Grandad of a newborn (she is 2 months old now ) by my daughter, my wife sees alot more of them than me, my ex has to young children one born last year,and the other is 2 now, because of this i think thats why they see them mpre often,

i do ove to see her but i think mum has more in common !!!
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