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 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 1
Hates his mother...... will hate you?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
One of my friends hates his mother.

She was narcissistic and treated him more like a boyfriend than a son (no sexual contact) when he was growing up.
She would ask for his opinion on what she was wearing, made him tend to her every need, he was eager to please her back then.
Then when he was nine, out of the blue, she decided to leave, he stayed behind to live with his father.

Fast forward, he is now 40 and hates anything that reminds him of his mother, which unfortunately is quite a lot!
If a woman wears high heels and dresses, carries a large purse, pays excessive attention to her appearance, he labels them high maintenance and they are out!
If she likes talking about herself, even for a couple of minutes, it triggers his bad memories about his mom.

We joke and tell him, if he wants all those trades to be gone when dating a woman, he really needs to be dating a man.
How many women, don't pay attention to their appearance or carry a purse, or wear high heels even once in a while???

I understand what he went through because I've heard many stories about his mother, but the guy is 40 and not only he doesn't let it go, even when he had extensive therapy, but his distrust/dislike in women in general seems to increase as the years go by.

He is a good guy, smart, funny, but he seems unable to take women case by case.
Which is really unfortunate because he'll probably never find someone,who fits the definition how what he calls "down to earth" enough to have a relationship with.

Does anybody know someone like this?
Is there any hope that someday he will meet the one and forget about his childhood trauma?
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 2
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 9:53:58 AM
Your friend needs therapy or he need to date total tomboys who would not be caught dead with makeup and a dress on. Most women will want to wear makeup and dress up once in awhile so your friend will have a tough road ahead of him on his search for a mate unless he gets some help for his emotional issues.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 3
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 9:54:23 AM
If that's the case, I guess he'll be single for the rest of his life.

He mother apparently put a negative dent in his personality, and attitude. Perhaps she is to blame for his behavior towards women, but at 40, I think he should try very hard to find a way to get passed the trauma he encountered as a child.

Then again, I'm not in his shoes, so I'm not sure how bad things get for him. I'm just giving my opinion.

Shame on his mama!
 gone with
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 4
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:03:28 AM
What his real problem is that he is gay and can't come to terms with it. Besides that he is a closet cross dresser and is jealous that he doesn't have the nerve to carry a purse and dress up in heels outside the house.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 5
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:07:37 AM
There is always hope, how it will come who knows...sometimes talking with a real close trusting friend can help...or it will take a real understanding, pushy kind of woman...who won't take no for an answer, but with this wall built up, it may be doubtful any could get close enough to fall for him, but it is possible, considering his wit and intelligents, maybe someone will consider it a challenge...but could they put up with all of that?

Maybe devine intervention? Not trying to push faith or religion, but he could go to a church, get a different look on things, be healed a bit. Its been known to happen, and he could meet the right one there.

Of course this could have a positive or negative effect depending on things.

Its sad and ashame a life has to be altered by such things...great for you to care.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 6
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:09:00 AM
"What his real problem is that he is gay and can't come to terms with it. Besides that he is a closet cross dresser and is jealous that he doesn't have the nerve to carry a purse and dress up in heels outside the house."

Yeah we have considered that option! lol
No, he is not gay, that would be a great solution.

And unfortunately he is not religious either.
He has met a couple of really nice women, we thought they were going to make it to the finals, but he always finds something wrong.
It's like that Seinfeld episode when his dates get disqualified because they have man's hands or she was a loud talker, or a non -laugher, he finds something, that reminds him of his Mom.

I will point it out!
I'll say she was perfectly fine! it's just because she doesn't laugh out loud at your jokes, like your MOM used to do,that's why you don't like her!
He'll say, yes, I guess you are right, but it bothers me, I can't be with someone who doesn't think I'm funny.

We have been friends for 10 years, never dated.
I wear dresses almost every day and carry a purse and put on make up.
In a way I think is best that he doesn't date women more than twice maybe three dates and they are out. It must be torture to be with someone like him in a relationship.

You always want your friends to be happy and he does feel lonely, he doesn't enjoy being single. He might never get past his childhood issues.

But he is a great friend!
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 7
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Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:12:15 AM

his distrust/dislike in women in general seems to increase as the years go by.


Does anybody know someone like this?

All of us on the forums are familiar with this. I wasn't aware of men like this until I started posting on POF forums. In the beginning, I took it to heart but eventually realized that there folks out there who are damaged by previous relationships (familial and/or romantic) who will always transfer their past hurts onto innocent potential relationships. I wonder if they see themselves as much as the rest of us see them? Is your buddy aware that he appoints all women with the bad memory of his mother?
 Sobe82
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 8
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:18:29 AM
You're not a psychologist, charity case worker or his mother. You're dating and looking for a cool guy. I say be freinds with him but find someone new. Why deal with that when there are perfectly healthy guys out there?
 MissNoWhere
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 9
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Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:20:32 AM
Your friend hasn't totally dealt with it. Thing is, you don't forget, but you do forgive and you eventually move on from childhood trauma's. It no longer defines who you are and it no longer is a driving force in the choices you make in life.

Your friend still needs therapy to help him get over this. Until he finally lets go, analyzes the events and moves on from it, he won't be ready to for a long-term relationship. It's sad, really.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 10
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:24:27 AM

He has met a couple of really nice women, we thought the were going to make it to the finals, but he always finds something wrong.


Well, the fact he has gone this far is a good sign.....the part about not laughing at his jokes, thinks he's funny falls under compatibility in a way.

You know, another thought....with all this attention he is getting, maybe its a question of having to give that up, if he does find one...In nature, we teach, then push the bird out of the nest, so to speak...

Just a wild shot, I'm not there to see this...I don't know...I know I was there, it might be easier to answer or help deal with him, and try to help.

Its not just a reminder issue...it boils down to trust too....she left him at an early age, he might have when young tried to fill that void thru a first love and got shot down too.
 ellena.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 11
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Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:26:26 AM
Are you dating this person? If not his problem doesn't really involve you.
 Maesbaby763
Joined: 12/6/2009
Msg: 12
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:29:20 AM
MO is he can't hate anybody because he isn't going to get close enough to anyone to either like them OR hate them.

It's a real shame that people drag their dysfunctional childhood with them into adulthood but at least he went to therapy, lots of people don't.

He's obviously better off not dating, let him keep his negativity to himself.

One day when he is ready to date again he will choose to let go of the trauma and take a chance and realize that women he wants to date are NOT his mother.

Glad I never crossed paths with him because I always dress nice, makeup and the whole nine yards. Heels? Only when I go out on a date and to church and funerals.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13
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Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:31:20 AM
Some people are not equipped to deal with their experiences so that they can get past them. If he didn't improve in therapy, he doesn't want to let it go and he may never want to really get beyond it, the victim role is comfortable for him and as his friend, you have to recognize that this is his choice.
 Juste moi Danielle
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 14
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:52:32 AM
By far, one of the most damaged (and damaging) person I let into my life was a man who seemed to not only adore, but to worship the grounds his mother walked on. It would only be later, after the damage was done, that I would recognise just how wrong my judgement and perception had been and how right my own mother had been all these years.

My mother always told me to ignore that "sage" advice and to instead pay attention to how a person, man or woman, treated people in general. Many people "love" or at least have a sense of duty or a "don't go there" approach when it comes to their family, no matter how screwed up that family may be.

And even though that sense of (false) honour and pride towards one's family is less prevalent today than it was in the old days when one wasn't able or allowed to divulge the family's dirty secrets, it still very much exists.

So no, I would never judge a man or woman by the relationship they have with their parents or family...it will make me pause and want to ask questions if I find out there are issues, but that's all.

I will however never (ever) again forget to pay attention to how a person treats others and I will pay extra attention to how they perceive the world and their place in it. At the first sign that the world is this dark, hateful place where people, or certain people or a particular group of people are against him/his people/people like him, I'm outta there.


 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 15
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 11:01:09 AM

Are you dating this person? If not his problem doesn't really involve you.


I think its great she cares enough to help out, seems like he is a friend....Personally I think if we cared more about the people around us, it might be a better world.

Just my humble opinion.
 Spoken For
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 16
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Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 11:08:00 AM
If he's had extensive therapy, it was apparently the wrong kind. This is something he's going to have to decide to do himself. He's making a choice to compare every woman to his flaky mom. He's going to have to choose to snap out of it, or live out the rest of his years alone.

And he can't go on forever blaming his mother for his own hangups. At some point he's got to "own" them and do something about them.

There are a lot of people who went through a lot worse with their mothers, but they are willing to do the self-work that it takes to put it behind them. "Therapy" in and of itself isn't a magic charm that just "fixes" you, there's a lot of work to be done by the person IN therapy...if he's not willing to take responsibility for his own life from here on out, no one else can do it for him.
 TallChick61
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 17
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 11:11:44 AM

Fast forward, he is now 40 and hates anything that reminds him of his mother, which unfortunately is quite a lot!
If a woman wears high heels and dresses, carries a large purse, pays excessive attention to her appearance, he labels them high maintenance and they are out!
If she likes talking about herself, even for a couple of minutes, it triggers his bad memories about his mom.



I'll say she was perfectly fine! it's just because she doesn't laugh out loud at your jokes, like your MOM used to do,that's why you don't like her!
He'll say, yes, I guess you are right, but it bothers me, I can't be with someone who doesn't think I'm funny.


So he won't date women who remind him of his mother, but he won't date women who don't remind him of his mother?

Some people just can't let go of the pain. It makes them who they are, and they're afraid or unwilling to be any other way.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 18
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 11:14:39 AM
theres all kinds of therapy out there, if one doesn't work another one does. he sounds like the kind of guy that needs to incorporate some type of therapy into his life on a permanent basis. if anything reading one of the zillion self-help books out there keeps him in that state of mind of knowing he has issues and not letting them get the best of him. we all have our issues, and our crosses to bear, might as well accept them and work on ourselves. he sounds like a whiner. packagedeal might be right on this one.

at this point he is poison to any woman he gets involved with, yeah emotionally dangerous, suppressed hatred, thats some good stuff, not! tell him to sh1t or get off the pot. i would get tired of hearing about it. he either puts a serious effort into getting some help or he goes gay or writes women off permanently.
 Primemover34
Joined: 11/21/2009
Msg: 19
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Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 11:34:03 AM

Hates his mother...... will hate you?


Not necessarily. There are many factors involved based on his personality and exactly what his mother might have done to him. This includes if she did nothing," ignoring her son".


She was narcissistic


Mine was also. She was a sadist as well and I haven't communicated with her in almost a decade. The only way it affects my relationships with other women is when they prejudge me if the topic ever comes up. Most women assume that if you can kick your own mother out of your life, you are very intolerant and can't feel unconditional love. It's by default, my issue, and I'm to blame until I can prove otherwise. Oh well :P


Fast forward, he is now 40 and hates anything that reminds him of his mother


Ouch! The man definately needs help. He needs to be able to separate and judge people as individuals. My negative relationship with my mother affected me until I was about 25. My choice to break off communication resulted in some depression for me but I got over it,"acceptance stage". This woman fvcked me up, but I got back on track. It was the most psychologically healthy thing I think I've ever done for myself. I guess everyone's different.


If she likes talking about herself, even for a couple of minutes, it triggers his bad memories about his mom.

Wow! Again, he needs help! This problem has an extreme effect on his life obviously. If you can't listen to a woman for more than a couple minute without getting disturbed and thinking about hatred for mommy, your issues run DEEP!


Is there any hope that someday he will meet the one and forget about his childhood trauma?
Sounds like the answer would be "no", but I'd have to know alot more about this guys basic personality. Not enough info to give a good answer.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 20
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:13:41 PM
He doesn’t like women who carry big purses, yet he lugs around a set of baggage? If he truly wants a relationship someday, then he needs to get back into therapy with a professional who can actually help him. IMO, there is always hope if one is willing to expend the effort to get better.
 EddRook
Joined: 1/23/2010
Msg: 21
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Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:19:45 PM
This is a very sad story. It sounds to me like he is not even close to a stage where he will be able to have a meaningful relationship. Relationships involve a lot of putting up with things that somebody else does that you don't really agree with, even if they are a great match and perfect for you. Can you think of a single person whose almost every decision you think is good? There's only one person in my life like that and it's my brother.

If he has a very strong reaction to simple things that most women will want to do, then he needs to deal with those issues on a fundamental level before he should engage in any type of dating or relationship. Even were he to date tomboys only, then it's not fair to put someone else in a position where they may feel trapped into not doing something to avoid upsetting him.

Alas, this guy is not emotionally mature enough to even date. He evidently has some bad emotional problems to deal with. It's harsh to say this and I like to think that there's hope for everybody, but I wouldn't let him near my sister with a twenty foot pole.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 22
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:24:31 PM
Two things pizzed me off about this thread.

First off, making fun of a guy with problems. You can chide him all you want, as long as he knows people care. Nobody understands how someone else feels REALLY. Some of us can throw things off our backs and keep trucking, others can internalize things and not deal. Unfortunately for this guy, letting it go, and fester for years, only imbeds the problem more and more.

The second thing is the state of therapy. So many therapists really are just into seeing you for years. They only see you as a portion of their mortgage payment or car payment. They rarely challenge you and make you grow, they sit and listen intently without trying to point you in the right direction. A man like this needs to have his problem reviewed by a competent professional, who deals with more difficult cases of a similar nature. A timeline needs to be set out, goals made, to see his progression with this problem.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 23
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:30:02 PM
Give the guy a break. He needs to set his own goals and meet them. Therapy helps but it is not some golden key that answers and cures all of lifes problems.
We have to see we have a problem before we can fix it.
No one can open his eyes for him.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 24
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Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:31:24 PM
Hates his mother...... will hate you?...Does anybody know someone like this?
Yes, a few people; HOWEVER the wacko described by the OP in Msg1 is just a nutcase--so I wouldn't work off of such a small sample and state that all mother-haters are nutcases and make bad lovers--no correlation here.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 25
Hates his mother...... will hate you?
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:57:13 PM
We had conversations about the kind of therapy he had.

He was going 3 times a week for over 2 years!
That was on his mid twenties the he used to go once a month for another two.
I told him, his shrink probably installed his swimming pool and fixed the garden just from what came from his wallet.
He definitely didn't get the help he needed.

I don't know a single person who had a perfect childhood or perfect parents, we all do what we can, with what we have.

He judges women in general as bad, insensitive and uncaring.

Women, as a gender are guilty until proven Innocent in his book.

Nobody wants to hang around long enough to prove him wrong.
I ignored him when, in the beginning, would say things like,
"why do you need a purse wherever you go? how much stuff do you carry in there"
I would say to him, my purse is my business and I'm not asking you to carry it for me, so get over it dude!
or
What is the deal with the high heels? they look so uncomfortable?
Again I'll just tell him off, until he learned not to say anything to me.
But I couldn't date someone who constantly questioned my personal choices.
Neither the women who he dates!

They run for their life after a session of "what is with the........hair, make-up, heels etc"
He wants to find someone who completely agrees with his every taste in clothes, lifestyle etc.

Good Luck with that! I've told him many times.
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