|
|
|
|
|
| | moving in togetherPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | I just want to know. I have only lived with one partner before, and we lived together for 3 years. I was a lot younger then and so much has changed now, and I am entirely really a different person now so I am not the best judge of this kind of stuff -- but what kinds of dynamics change when you take the step of moving in with a partner? Is this really a great idea? Isn't it more common for married couples or those that are engaged to take this step, or do "dating" people do it all the time? I guess I feel a little "slow" and behind on what the norm is for this nowadays. I think a lot of people in their early twenties or fresh high school grads end up thinking theyre in love, and then move in with their bf/gf and I see it once in awhile like they rent a little cheap 1 bedroom and cram their stuff in because they can't afford much more. What are the benefits and non-benefits(drawbacks??) of doing this, and also does it give each of the people in the relationship some sense of deeper entitlement of each other? As in, if they live together, do they feel they should have more power and influence over each other, being able to say "no, you can't go do that" or "I would appreciate if you'd stay home"???? | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 1:11:46 AM | It depends on the two people and their maturity level and the nature
of the relationship. It works best if there is a solid commitment first and
talk of possible marriage in the future and works not as well if it's just
for convenience and to save money.
It also depends on how the two people relate and get along. If they are
fighting it's not a good idea and if there are serious money problems that
has a nasty way of driving a wedge into a relationship too.
There shouldn't be a situation where one person is wanting to go out at
night alone without the other, ever. If you are with a guy who is always
trying to go out at night without you that is guaranteed to make you
miserable and I would advise you not to move in with a guy like this
due to his being immature and wanting to be a nightowl, drinking,
bar hopping etc. When you live with a guy nights should be spent
together, at the very least.
There should never be a time not even once where one has to say to the
other "you can't do that" or "I'd appreciate it if you'd stay home". If that
is happening you have a roomate situation. Not a couple situation.
There is no compatibility, no real relationship. When a man and woman
live together it is to spend every evening together, enjoying each other's
company. I would never live with a guy who is going out without me
at night. That would be like what's the point? | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 1:26:47 AM |
does it give each of the people in the relationship some sense of deeper entitlement of each other? As in, if they live together, do they feel they should have more power and influence over each other, being able to say "no, you can't go do that" or "I would appreciate if you'd stay home"????
OP I read your other thread, and I feel compelled to point out to you that this is a recipe for disaster in your situation. Moving in together means you'll be spending a lot more time together, and all those things that are driving you crazy about him now are going to be greatly exacerbated. No, moving in together does NOT entitle you to parent your partner and tell them how to do things. It's completely inappropriate for one adult to tell another "no, you can't do that". He will be running back to his mom's basement so fast it will make your head spin. I urge you to take some more time and get on more solid ground yourself before making a decision of this magnitude. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 1:31:53 AM | | Hi, anonymouslyme. I was referring more to him being the dictator - he's a little controlling himself - I am Buddhist and have a lot of obligations for meetings, planning events, etc. through my organization and even on past weekends we've spent together over the last few years, he is always telling me I should skip them and just stop going altogether... If I get phone calls from people while we're spending time together, he tells me to ignore them or to text them that "I'm busy on a date and to stop bothering us...". That wouldn't be a problem for me, because even when the stuff he does drives me crazy, the LAST thing I do is tell him what he can and can't do. If anything, I just pretend that I don't care and say "have fun". | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 2:39:27 AM | The way I look at it, you never know how well, or poorly you get along with someone till you live together....its about like being married without the piece of paper and the vows.
Eventually you both let down those little guards , the newness wears off and you get to see how you get along....
How, it turns out, depends on how well the two get along, and how they handle living in the same house together and each other.
You spent 3 years doing it, basically nothing has changed...except this is a different person. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 2:59:17 AM | The major drawback is that you have no place to run and your home...your place of refuge is with a guy who is hell-bent on controlling your life.
Hate to say it, but you sound like you are on the precipice of being one of those women we hear about. If this is the way he treats you now, why would you want to move in together?
Think of it this way...at the time you actually MOVE in together, your relationship is probably at the best it's every going to be. From that point on, you have to start wrestling with the realities and the compromises of life...every day. I remember a few weeks ago my g/f going off the deep end because I'd eaten the last banana and she was tired of running out of bananas. About 10 minutes after her rant, she looked at me and started apologizing and laughing at the same time...point is...why did she flip out about bananas?
Here's the other thing...if you're living with someone...and you aren't totally enamored with the relationship status, it's kinda hard to break up and start dating when you have shared bills, bed and living space. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 3:19:55 AM | | Frankly (and this is just my opinion) I like the idea of being in a committed relationship but living separately. I think people move in together far too quickly and then realise its not what they want. I have this type of situation now and I love it. We both have the freedom to go out, do our own thing and get together 3 -4 times a week. I think its perfect. I never question his whereabouts nor he mine. Having this relationship means you are always independent, self reliant and you can never get thrown out of your place. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 3:30:22 AM | I agree completely with lucky hot. The warts and all show up when you live together, starting wearing your holey underwear, smacking your food, in other words real life. If you wait under you are married--uh, oh--then you are blindsided and saying to yourself, "what the hell was I thinking?"
I do not think either should "go out" without each other unless as one poster said, to church or an AA meeting or something like that that they might not want to go to. That's if you have committed to living together and I am not sure you should "go out" if you are dating, my instinct tells me, no.
I do think if you move in together you should be working, just as if you were living alone so that you will not be dependant on someone and can go if things turn bad.
Good luck!
vicxstar | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 3:31:00 AM | Like marriage, I wouldn't have even contemplated it at 23, but we're all different and I was far too immature at that age for a serious commitment.
Coming out of a live in relationship is the same, IMO, as going through the trauma of divorce, and it needs to be treated with the same seriousness as marriage. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 3:39:18 AM |
Hi, anonymouslyme. I was referring more to him being the dictator - he's a little controlling himself - I am Buddhist and have a lot of obligations for meetings, planning events, etc. through my organization and even on past weekends we've spent together over the last few years, he is always telling me I should skip them and just stop going altogether... If I get phone calls from people while we're spending time together, he tells me to ignore them or to text them that "I'm busy on a date and to stop bothering us...". That wouldn't be a problem for me, because even when the stuff he does drives me crazy, the LAST thing I do is tell him what he can and can't do. If anything, I just pretend that I don't care and say "have fun".
Let this be a warning to you, OP. He's already showing signs of an emotional abuser and you're still in the honeymoon stage. When living under the same roof, the control will become much worse... | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 4:38:44 AM | Hey, I think you are over thinking this a bit....but, don't move in together yet unless you know each other enough to think it has a good chance of working out...
The way you seem kinda unsure, suggest you need more time together, before you make this decision. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 4:54:25 AM | OP.......................why pratell would your loving partner ask you to stop going to someting you really enjoy? Your Buddism activities are who you are!! Who is this guy to try to even ask you to give up what defines you?
Do we have a "RedFlag" emotioncon?
close enough............
Think hard lady, your giving some of yourself up, is this what your definition of a loving relationship is?
Best of luck, you have a little logic to work out with yourself | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 4:56:52 AM | Since your boyfriend HELLOOOOOOO has already compromised your sobriety, you need to get the hell away from him, not move in with him, but please, ignore how ever many pages of responses you get this time and go full steam ahead.
You are 23, you lived with a guy for three years, you were a lot younger then, like 12? Wtf? | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 5:42:38 AM | I don't think people should live together until and unless they are getting along absolutely *great* with no unresolved issues in their dating life. A solid track record of being able to work though problems and misunderstandings. I'd say definitely put more miles down together before you contemplate this step.
Additionally, how do you reconcile "pretending" something doesn't bother you with your practice? Doesn't sound much like actually living buddhism. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 5:55:50 AM | Back in my 20s because I was preggo the father of the child and I got a place together, and did the family thing for 8 years. We didn't think of it, we just did it.
Now I am 41, I prefer I have my home and lover have his. We can stay at each others home any time we like and pay our own bills. Maybe some time further down the road we decide to live together then we do that. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 6:07:50 AM | Have you heard of the old saying..."Familiarity breeds contempt"?
I haved learned and am still learning things, but truly have discovered that two people HAVE to have things in common or there will be problems however one wants to explain them.
The little things will start to be big things that go against your true nature and causes one to loose track of who they are and eventually after precious time has passed you will have to get back to your true self and vice versa.
Do me a favor and ask yourself if he is controlling you because of his ego or because he really loves and misses you when you are gone?
If he cared about your welfare he would not be asking you not to go to a religious meeting unless that is not his religion. And of course, he could use that as an excuse to keep tabs on you. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 6:12:18 AM | Is this the same guy that has a drinking problem and a habit of spending lots of time and money in strip clubs? You mentioed in previous posts that being with him is making you drink more. You gave up your child because of alcohol. Is this what you want for your life???
| |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 6:16:28 AM |
Since your boyfriend HELLOOOOOOO has already compromised your sobriety, you need to get the hell away from him, not move in with him, but please, ignore how ever many pages of responses you get this time and go full steam ahead.
She might have a point...ignore all the other responces...I've read most of her responces...and I have to admit she is consistant...she always says....the guy is a loser, get away fast...
So, I figure, she knows what she's talking about or must have a crystal ball... | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 6:20:21 AM | Hello aarykah,
I'm sorry if you thought I was implying that you had a control issue. To clarify, I've read your profile and posting history, and I think you come across as a very warm sweet girl. You've obviously worked very hard to overcome some major obstacles, and get yourself to a better place, and I think you should be very proud of what you've accomplished. That's exactly why I think this move might be detrimental to you. Obviously, you're an adult, and we don't even know each other, so feel free to disregard anything I post. But since you asked about how the dynamics of the relationship might change upon cohabitating, it seems clear that you're feeling apprehensive about it, which is why I'm offering my perspective to you. It just seems to me as though you have struggled through a lot of things, and he seems to be undermining you in so many ways. (probably not specifically on purpose, but with or without malicious intent, it's still happening, and that just makes things that much harder for you).
Briefly.... you've struggled with weight/body image issues, yet he insists on maintaining a close connection with a stripper that he knows really fuels your insecurities. You've struggled to become sober, and he not only has a pretty bad drinking problem himself, but has ACTIVELY tried to undermine your sobriety repeatedly. You've struggled to recover from a problematic work history, and finally got to a place where you're geniuinely happy and excited about your career direction and the rewards that go with it, yet he expresses annoyance, and encourages you to disregard your responsibilities there as well, so it doesn't cut into "his" time with you. Maybe it's just me, but it definately seems like everything you're working so hard for, he's working against, for some reason.
Some of the comments you've made regarding your relationship in the last week
It makes me very uncomfortable that she's in the picture at all, let alone getting naked in front of him. he's told me if I dont get a grip and get help on the jealousy issues, then "were done". he even told me that I killed some of the love, but that he is "willing to stick it out". I have attempted many times to just stop talking to him seeing as how it's so unhealthy of a situation with how things were turning out. it's very frustrating and confusing.i think they both still have feelings for each other and it's honestly ruining my relationship with my boyfriend. the stuff he's in to I can't really relate to and sometimes I feel like he's just really immature for his age and it gets a little irritating how much he likes talking about the romulans . the time I actually first relapsed he poured three cups, all three containing some fruit punch, and said one of the cups had the vodka mixed in with it and told me to see if i could figure out which one. I dont know, all his friends (men and women both) drink!! And I didn't want to seem boring. Whenever I tell him I'm not really that interested in hearing about this convention he goes to (where he actually dresses up as a romulan as do all the others in his "party room" which are his friends), he tells me that I'm just trying to act like I'm "too good" for all that.I just wish if he's going to spend all the time he does getting points on mafia and mob games and spending a ton of money on the latest geeky video game, then he should maybe make sure he has the other areas of his life straightened out first. I get disappointed that its not more important for him to be saving for a house, a new car (his is falling apart and he always complains about it), or possibly to make some other type of worthwhile and wise investment. instead he needs the best iPhone, the best touch-screen Mac, $100 gothy silk pajamas with his name emboidered in it, etc. He had to move back in with his 'rents a few months ago because he cannot afford to live on his own. Also that he spends almost all his money on booze and lapdances makes it hard to appreciate some of the activities he participates in. yet when i tell him these things he gets on the defensive BIG TIME and basically blows me off. it's really hard to respect what he's doing when it's really not all that respectable to begin with. There's certain things he doesn't think ahead about that just drives me nuts because I keep thinking if I were his age and still being so aloof with money, I'd be a little ashamed of myself. I want to point it out to him in a nice way and have tried, but he won't have it. He's "perfectly fine" he says, and also claims not have an alcohol problem and that he never has. (he brings a flask to work every day, drinks every night before bed, binges on the weekends, and just found out he is having liver problems). Hello!?!?!!? How much more in denial could a person be?!? Sometimes I wonder if we just get together simply to not to be lonely and alone. For the lack of something else better to do. I hope this is not the case, but it seems like it at times.I really want to be back on the wagon. I want to be proud of myself like I was then, It's just too risky for me to start drinking again because I could lose it all again. yes he will drag me in to the pits of hell with him if i let him. For a reason I cannot explain, i seem to always come back to this guy im with, and he just so happens to fall under the "bad buy" category. i hate all the stuff that makes him a "bad guy" and yet when someone who behaves well socially, is respectable, decent, "clean," etc, i seem to just push them away. this doesnt make sense to me. my bf still loves and talks to his ex on a regular basis, and they even throw a fourth of july party together every year where she is one of his strippers. This crosses many boundaries for me and has our relationship on the verge of ending, very, VERY soon. My current "guy" (eh....) has never met my son. time to break the chain and this cycle. the question is, HOW?!? let's say all this is IS an addiction. to be talking with and trying to "be with him". addictions are hard to break. its hard to "re-wire" your brain to start using different thought processes and therefore get different results. life is cause and effect. my effects for the last few years with him apparently are stemming from all the causes i made (thoughts, words, and actions) that were purely based in wanting to become close to and attached to something/someone, wanting something to constantly think about, constantly ponder over, etc. if that thing is HIM, man, this is gunna be hard. (which i think it is). even when the stuff he does drives me crazy, the LAST thing I do is tell him what he can and can't do. If anything, I just pretend that I don't care and say "have fun". Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that your intuition is screaming at you, and you're trying very hard to ignore it. And that's certainly your prerogotive. But since you asked, I'm trying to give you some honest, intelligent feedback. Sometimes, it's hard to see the forest for the trees, and I'm only trying to encourage you to get some of these things sorted out in your own head before you take a step that can't help but magnify the issues that are already on the table. You seem like a very sincere young lady, with a lot to offer, and I think would be tragic for you to have everything you've been working so hard for disintigrate. Just don't forget to take care of yourself. I apologize for the long post, and whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 6:34:42 AM | Nothing have really change since the last time you have been living with someone.
You may have added more to yourself which is not a factor or a roadblock, the only thing that might have changed a little is that , over time, we lost our "agility" to adapt and like to be set in our comfort zone.
Simply remember that both of you need to adapt and fine tunes things..and some things takes time. communicate a lot@ | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 6:46:50 AM | I don't think I can do the living together thing again. I would want a more committed relationship. When I broke up with a boyfriend 5 years ago, he left me with all the pending bills and the ones he hadn't helped me pay yet. When you are living together as a common-law couple it is like being married. You are responsible for half of everything and what is left over or pending for the month coming in terms of bills. To walk and leave the other person drowning in debts that you helped incur is wrong on so many levels.
Also, living together is something that you just don't pick up and do in an instant. If I were to do it again, my partner and I would have to get a new place to live with both our names on the lease. That way, it wouldn't be his place or my place but our place. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 6:47:53 AM | Well I am glad to say that I read your second posting here and I am gonna say NO don't do because of what you said which was and I quote:
I was referring more to him being the dictator - he's a little controlling himself
Why be with more or less live with someone who is like that
- I am Buddhist and have a lot of obligations for meetings, planning events, etc. through my organization and even on past weekends we've spent together over the last few years, he is always telling me I should skip them and just stop going altogether...
He should respect what you do and your religion because you was doing that before you got with him
If I get phone calls from people while we're spending time together, he tells me to ignore them or to text them that "I'm busy on a date and to stop bothering us
Why should you let him dictate who you can talk to and when you can talk to them and yes I can understand if your on a date to not answer your phone. But to tell someone that or text is not a good thing because just by not answering it will say your doing something or really busy.
That wouldn't be a problem for me, because even when the stuff he does drives me crazy, the LAST thing I do is tell him what he can and can't do. If anything, I just pretend that I don't care and say "have fun".
How can you say it is not a problem for you and that it would be the LAST thing you would do is tell him what he can't do. He is doing it to you so why not let it be known that there are things he is doing you do not like. Because pretending that you don't care and say have fun is not doing your relationship any good.
Overall in the long run he will be walking all over you telling you when / where to be and anything else he can think of because you let him. But hey thats what you want then all I can say is good luck in what I see is a controlling relationship. | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 7:27:59 AM | | I am a strong advocate for Moving in/Living together before mariage...If it's meant to be it'l happen...if not you both saved yourself alot of potential grief/expense.... | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 9:43:37 AM | Personally I wouldn't live with a man I didn't want to marry, been there, done that, really really stupid idea. If I don't love this person enough to marry them then why would I want to live with them? If I only want a FWB who also pays half the rent/utilities then why not either marry them or just have a plain ole roommate and not have sex with them. For me, it just is a kind of, sort of, role play between two people who don't really want to put both feet in, thus holding out for something better. Just my opinion, other's will vary.
Aren't you the alcoholic with a child you don't have custody of because of your addictions, who is dating some drunk that you get drunk with to keep him around? Now you are thinking of moving in with him? Crazy | |
|
| moving in together
Posted: 2/17/2010 10:16:06 AM |
I guess I feel a little "slow" and behind on what the norm is for this nowadays.
Just pick up a copy of Relationships magazine, Trends for 2010 edition, and work your way through the checklist.
Or, think about what your expectations of living together are, and talk to your boyfriend to see if he has the same expectations as you do. On what points would you both be willing to compromise.
I am not the best judge of this kind of stuff
Stuff like, who you should live with, and under what conditions? You are probably a better jugde of that than a bunch of internet strangers. At least I would hope so. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
