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| | Where does your communication values sit?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I have had a great conversation with a group of friends and I would like to invite POF into it.
What I have been hearing is there is a stigma that too much communication in the beginning of meeting is a sign of neediness, and that getting to know someone to fast kill’s the intensity of a relationship. So for myself, I promote more communication than less. I would rather have someone that enjoys having a conversation with me everyday (even after first meeting, especially if we click) than someone who needs their space. I truly believe that it’s a state of behavior, and that people have really just created this ideal that getting to know someone should take time because you don’t want to overdose on them and come off as crazy.
My reason for the more than less theory is looking at my family’s personal track record as well as my own. My Grandparents were together for 66 years, I have aunt’s and uncle’s hitting 35, 27, 20, 17 years together, and I have cousins at the 12, 14, 18 year mark. I find that really impressive, and discussing this with my grandmother she told me that her and my grandfather moved along the relationship very fast in the beginning, and almost from day one they were in constant communication. My other relatives have very similar situations.
I see this as a roadmap for myself, and that people who have great communication skills tend to be able to make a stronger bond with each other. But, since I have had this discussion with friends I find that most of them tend to like taking things slow and not jump in and see where they land.
So I ask; What is your belief system and what do you find more successful ? | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 7:25:04 AM | | I think times have changed I like to take things slowly to make sure the person is sane, has my best interest at heart, and has the qualities I'm looking for. Talking often is great but speeding up a relationship is not good for me. There are a lot of predatory men out there and they all like to move things along very quickly to try to take advantage of innocent young women. Been there..done that. I'm looking for someone who appreciates my need to take things slowly. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 7:30:56 AM | | I feel that more conversation isn't necessarily better when meeting someone new. For me I the quality of the communication takes precedence over the quantity. I readily prefer an engaging 30 minutes of conversation over an hour of nattering about nothing. If the amount of truly good conversation increases, that's great; but I wouldn't force it if its not a mutual give and take of interests. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 7:50:48 AM | I readily prefer an engaging 30 minutes of conversation over an hour of nattering about nothing.
I think the spirit of the OP is implying "quality conversation", not small talk. Talking about "important things", like values and how you feel about exclusivity, dating, that sort of thing.
I think it's important to "clear the air", sort of, by being open. There are too many different ways of seeing things--some people think "dating" automatically means exclusively, some people think it means nothing other than company. I do NOT think, though, that you air all your "dirty laundry" all at once, not every insecurity, not each foible you've had. But how you feel about relationships/dating is very important to actually speak about.
I also think a lot of people DO NOT want to communicate in such a forthright manner because they feel it takes away from the "romance" of it all, but to me it's worth it to find out if the guy's on the same page, relationship-wise, fairly soon. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 8:18:47 AM |
I also think a lot of people DO NOT want to communicate in such a forthright manner because they feel it takes away from the "romance" of it all, but to me it's worth it to find out if the guy's on the same page, relationship-wise, fairly soon.
I totally agree with this and in my case, the communication has increased the romantic side between us far more than I would have been able to previously imagine if I would have just remained silent and waited.
I also agree with CMonster, it’s about the quality, I couldn’t spend hours talking drivel about American idol or some such nonsense. I guess it all depends on the two doing the communicating, those who are the same will find each other eventually. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 8:53:39 AM | to each their own.
I like a guy who is interested right from the start. I want a guy who thinks of me often, and will send me a text to let me know, or call me because he's curious how I'm doing. If I'm interested in him, I'll be doing same. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and want a guy who does as well. So- I'm all for lots of communication. Thankfully, my guy is exactly what I wanted.
However, not everyone is like me.
The fact is, if you like space, or you like communication, you should find someone who likes what you are/want. Look for a guy who is right for you, not simply one who thinks you're right for him. | |
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kef63
| | Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 7 | |
| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 10:14:47 AM | | for mysef, i prefer alot of communicatoin. # 1 at my age, time is of the essence...lol. # 2, after 18 months of being single, i am ready or a relationship. i know what i like and want out of a relationship and i believe, only through alot of communication, can you really get to know a person. im talking about real communication. talking bout likes, dislikes, family, friends, work, ect...ect... lots of conversation is the only way to gain knowledge about someone else and see if the two of you really jive or not. i dont really care to drag it out, and waste valuable time, only to find he is not a good fit for me. i am in no way advocating, clingy or needy behavior, just saying, healthy communication is important to me. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 12:49:38 PM | well maybe you should ask yourself, how has your communications values worked for you? is it working? if it's not, do you want to change it?
personally, talking to a person everyday really kills attraction. Especially on the phone.
Also, don't listen to everything people say about their relationships. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 12:56:41 PM | Personally I believe with conversation(like so many other things) it is QUALITY over quantity. I don't need to talk to someone for hours and hours over BS when I could have a shorter, worthwhile conversation with another.
BTW My great-aunt and uncle have been married almost 70yrs, and according to them, going deaf has helped their marriage(easier to tune out repeated convos). Just like my great-aunt going back to work improved their marriage(according to my great-uncle it gave her new subjects to talk about). And they are still both goofy in love(like teenagers). | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 1:30:43 PM | I'd suggest communicating as much as you usually do with anyone - ie. be yourself
I tend to share a lot in some ways, and hold back in others, trying to communicate differently from how I feel comfortable communicating would make for unnecessary tension | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 1:56:25 PM | There's a difference between being open and forthcoming about yourself, and putting all your most treasured, cherished secrets out on the table on a first meeting where you're conceptually feeling each other out. Here's a couple of examples based off the same scenario.
You have a guy who's passionate about outdoor sports and outdoor activities. This is because as a child his father used to constantly take him up on the mountain and taught him to ski; his father was unfortunately killed in a skiing accident, so he doesn't ski or snowboard anymore, but he still loves other outdoor sports and activities. Conversely, because he enjoys, for example, snow-camping and snowshoeing, he meets a lot of attractive women on the mountainside while he's gearing up at the lodge; these women are often wearing warmer clothing to stave off the cold, and he comes to associate things like down jackets or other winter wear with sexual arousal. He likes the way these women look in those clothes.
So he goes out on a date with someone. They get to talking about hobbies. He gets enthusiastic as he describes his most recent snow camping expedition. He talks about his work, which just gave him a recent bonus that he used to pay for his trip. As the conversation moves along, his date notices how passionate he is about outdoor sports, and asks why. He tells her the story of his father.
While that part is very private, he isn't revealing too much. It's germane to the conversation, and lets him reveal an intimate portion of himself to his date, which she might respond well to.
The evening goes on, and they're noticing they're both feeling pretty hot towards each other. As they go out of the restaurant, they're stealing kisses, and outside his car, they engage in a fairly passionate makeout session. He leans in and says, "You know, I've always had a thing for a girl in a down jacket. Makes me as hard as a rock. Do you own one? Let's go to your place, you can put it on, and we'll make like porn stars. I can even take pictures."
He's gone too far at this point. He's communicated too much. The problem isn't with his fetish; once they've gotten to know each other a bit more, and have gone past "just a couple of dates", it might be fine to reveal something like this, and she might even think it's fun. She'll probably share a fetish or two of hers with him as well. But that early in things? He just went from "passionate and steamy" to "weird and creepy", and she's out the door.
In short, it's good to be transparent, but if that transparency leads to a stranger place that can be seen through the person, they might want to be a little less transparent, at least in the beginning. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 2:18:54 PM | So I ask; What is your belief system and what do you find more successful ?
Personally, i prefer to have my space. I do that because alot of the times when i need "answers" I can get them when I go off for a while. On the flip side, I can communicate if I "had" to or felt the need to include someone else. Now that I think about it, basically if the problem only concerns "me" then i need my space. If it involves someone else and I, then I'm open for communication. if that makes sense. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 2:40:56 PM | Haven't read all the responses here. But I think you are talking about two different things.
<div class="quote">I would rather have someone that enjoys having a conversation with me everyday (even after first meeting, especially if we click) than someone who needs their space
I prefer alot of TALKING right upfront. How else are you going to get to know someone. Now, I'm in no hurry to SPEND every waking hour with someone that I have just met. That to me would spell needy. But talking with one another every day is not a sign of neediness. Its a way to see if any compability exists. There is a difference in talking to someone daily and wanting to spend too much time with someone.
<div class="quote">getting to know someone too fast kill’s the intensity of a relationship
I think quite the opposite. You can take things too slow and kill "the spark" (intensity) that might have existed in the beginning.
I would have to disagree with your friends. I think they might have it backwards. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 2:54:36 PM | context is everything.
early-stage interaction is mostly about learning whether you enjoy the person, i think. i want to have fun talking with a woman. i want to enjoy her through conversation. the deep, personal, goals/values/experiences stuff can certainly be part of that - i welcome meaty discussion.
but it should be part of the natural, relaxed flow. it shouldn't be forced. when it is, you get the interrogation vibe happening, or the emotional puking, or the stifling heaviness.
that natural flow can happen any time, depending on how the two people build their interaction. it might not happen for the first couple dozen conversations. it might happen at the first meet. the key is being natural. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 5:49:46 PM |
Moderate pace is best. I suspect that what your grandparents and other older relatives considered to be quick would be slow to modest by todays standards. With internet, IMs, cellphone, web cams, etc., etc., etc., it's important to slow things down to a moderate pace or they (almost always) will crash and burn.
I totally agree that daily communication is important in the cases of live-in bf/gf, husband/wife and other LTR that are committed. In the beginning of getting to know each other, the spark and ensuing flames need to breathe in order to grow. Constantly spending time together, talking, texting, etc. is simply too much. It will most likely smother the (potential) relationship or scare the other person off.
It's EXACTLY why I date different men. WHEN I find one that is VERY interested in me that I also feel the same way about (after weeks or months of seeing each other off and on) then I will simply focus on him. Until then, I will date (and encourage him also to date). It's healthy. It works.
All things in moderation.
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 6:15:09 PM | There is no BEST way to do this.
The best we can do is adopt a dating strategy that reflects our nature.
If you're the strong silent type you'll be that way on a date and in a relationship.
You'll have to find someone that dovetails with your quiet nature.
If you're a talkative intellectual type....
you'll be that way on dates and relationships and need
someone to listen as well as stimulate you with their own conversation.
Often we are attracted to and meet the opposite of what we are,
and question our methods when it doesn't work out.
That is a waste of time.
Stay true to form
and to yourself.
and keep plugging away.
If you like to talk alot...do so.
If you don't...don't.
Best way to weed out folks incompatible to you.
and when you find out they are...
Accept that and stay the course.
Otherwise you'll be beating the bushes for a longer time. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 7:22:38 PM | I tend to lean towards the intellectual yet I can be quite a chatterbox to. I love to hear about people from all walks of life as some have great stories to tell. I like regular conversation and even small talk at times. In the relationship side I am at the stage where I like to take time get to know each other yet like the contact as well.
Endless messaging and texting gets you nowhere and in the end you have to meet up and if you have some rapport then the sooner the better.
NOTHING IS A BIGGER TURNOFF than a bloke on the first few messages asking which sexual positions and practices you prefer and them telling you how horny your picture makes them...I mean PLEASE!!! Get over yourself.. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/17/2010 9:29:20 PM | Wow! Once again, hats off to Stray_Cat for hitting the nail on the head as usual! 
There is no BEST way to do this.
The best we can do is adopt a dating strategy that reflects our nature.
If you're the strong silent type you'll be that way on a date and in a relationship.
You'll have to find someone that dovetails with your quiet nature.
If you're a talkative intellectual type....
you'll be that way on dates and relationships and need
someone to listen as well as stimulate you with their own conversation.
Often we are attracted to and meet the opposite of what we are,
and question our methods when it doesn't work out.
That is a waste of time.
Stay true to form
and to yourself.
and keep plugging away.
If you like to talk alot...do so.
If you don't...don't.
Best way to weed out folks incompatible to you.
and when you find out they are...
Accept that and stay the course.
Otherwise you'll be beating the bushes for a longer time.
My bf is a total extrovert .... likes to talk to everyone and almost even anything that he meets! .... I on the other hand am an introvert ... until I warm up and get to know them, and depending on the topic of conversation -- only then might I become a chatterbox. But somewhere along the line, we balance each other out.
Communication is KEY but the style of communication will differ and vary person to person. What works for Sue and Sam may not necessarily work for Paul and Mary ...
You can only be who you are. You can make slight changes/adjustments BUT you cannot change your fundamental core personality. Find someone who complements your personality and vice-versa is much better than trying to change or make others change to suit you. Happiness will come easier that way. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/18/2010 1:11:29 AM | | I've realized that when I really like a guy, no amount of contact from him is too much, even in the beginning. And in my experience, when either of us seemed to want more space, the relationship never ended up going anywhere. So based on that, my expectations for a guy who only contacted me once or twice a week would be pretty low. | |
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cinsav
| | Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 20 | |
| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/18/2010 4:47:59 AM | I have had a great conversation with a group of friends and I would like to invite POF into it.
What I have been hearing is there is a stigma that too much communication in the beginning of meeting is a sign of neediness, and that getting to know someone to fast kill’s the intensity of a relationship. So for myself, I promote more communication than less. I would rather have someone that enjoys having a conversation with me everyday (even after first meeting, especially if we click) than someone who needs their space. I truly believe that it’s a state of behavior, and that people have really just created this ideal that getting to know someone should take time because you don’t want to overdose on them and come off as crazy.
My reason for the more than less theory is looking at my family’s personal track record as well as my own. My Grandparents were together for 66 years, I have aunt’s and uncle’s hitting 35, 27, 20, 17 years together, and I have cousins at the 12, 14, 18 year mark. I find that really impressive, and discussing this with my grandmother she told me that her and my grandfather moved along the relationship very fast in the beginning, and almost from day one they were in constant communication. My other relatives have very similar situations.
I see this as a roadmap for myself, and that people who have great communication skills tend to be able to make a stronger bond with each other. But, since I have had this discussion with friends I find that most of them tend to like taking things slow and not jump in and see where they land.
So I ask; What is your belief system and what do you find more successful ?
Good communication is the bedrock for any lasting relationship, period; there's no two ways about it.
People who think you can have too much communication at the start of a relationship are simpletons. Whether it's a woman who's watched one too many chick flicks (and believes that's how the real world is / should be) and feeds off the mystery at the start, or the man who thinks talking is a waste of time. I firmly believe that you're wasting your time with anyone (male or female) who think too much communication at the start is a bad thing. Why? Because they're excitement / mystery junkies who'll eventually grow bored in the relationship (once they've learned all there is too learn) and either dump you, or just start cheating on you.
Now, let's clear something up. There is a difference between someone disclosing good, in-depth information on a regular basis from someone who blows up your cell twenty times a day with texts and calls (with frivolous nonsense). There's a difference between giving someone you're getting to know a good fundamental background about yourself and giving them your social security number and credit history. If you don't understand what I'm talking about then you're lost and I'm not going to waste time explaining it to you. (By YOU, I don't you OP, I mean the reader of this post).
I was once told "you didn't leave anything my imagination" after a second date. Great. I counted my blessings that I didn't get involved with her romantically. We did stay friends for some time after the fact and I watched her dump guy after guy as she inevitably grew bored with them as the mystery and excitement wore off.
Simply: I wouldn't waste my time on someone so immature and clueless that they actually believed you can "say" too much at the start, and neither should any of you. Besides if you're looking for a lasting relationship and not a one-night-ride-me-till-the-sun-comes-up-with-a-few-si-papi-si thrown in; then the more you learn the sooner you learn it the better off. That why you've not invested 6 months with someone only to find out "wow this chick is a nutbar" or "this guy is a total dick." | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/18/2010 4:59:28 AM | there is a stigma that too much communication in the beginning of meeting is a sign of neediness.....
people who have great communication skills tend to be able to make a stronger bond with each other....
with friends I find that most of them tend to like taking things slow and not jump in and see where they land.
yes, but quality & quantity are two entirely different things, and "jump in and see where they land" could be interpreted a number of ways. "too much communication in the beginning" might be a sign of neediness... but then again it might not.
therefore i can't use any of this information as a reliable road map for my own choices and i don't see how you can do it, either. you might have certain preferences and romantic ideals based on what your grandparents did, but that doesn't mean it's something you should try to imitate. because see, people are inherently unpredicable... *especially* when you don't know them well.... even more so for people you met on the internet. thererefore the best answer lies with what your friends said, that taking things slow is the more prudent thing to do. i understand the excitement that comes with meeting somebody you really, really like; but i would have to seriously question the motivations and apparent lack of insight of anyone who was in a big hurry to "get a relationship". if you think "diving right in" is cool, then that's your perogative but i can only suggest that you spend an hour or two reading the pathetically dysfunctional psychodrama bullsh*t that shows up here on the forums from all the other people out there who thought the same thing.
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/18/2010 7:33:55 AM | OP - I think a lot of women don't want to appear needy or clingy, I think a lot of men don't want to let a woman know they are into her and "hand over the control"...blah blah blah and on and on it goes...
I am very open with communication, and in fact daily communication from the start is my M.O. I think the spark of a new relationship would inspire people to want that...and if someone doesn't, he isn't the one for me. I have in the past gotten home from a first meet or a date - and by the time the guy gets home - there's an email from me. I have no problem saying - wow, you are great, and I can't wait to see you again.
In thinking back - every relationship I've ever been in really started off "fast"...because again, if I'm interested, and he's interested, then why put some kind of artificial timeline on things?
Personally, I think some people "learn" that you shouldn't be open and honest - because they were that way with someone who wasn't really interested. They learned that doesn't work...LOL...but NOTHING would have so what have they learned really? | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/18/2010 10:18:18 AM | In thinking back - every relationship I've ever been in really started off "fast"...because again, if I'm interested, and he's interested, then why put some kind of artificial timeline on things?
A agree about questioning the effectiveness of following some artificial timeline. Doing that would mean there's an assumption that every interaction between daters follows some predetermined steps; that type of predictability is nonexistent. If the people have that seemingly allusive "chemistry" why hinder progress by following a timeline of seemingly arbitrary steps? I'm guessing it may be easier for some to follow a predefined list in order to gauge their effectiveness. There's safety in forgoing the need to be spontaneous and acting within the moment. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/18/2010 10:53:41 AM | Op, I agree. Communication is huge with me, and when someone is in communication with me who feels the same way , I just communicate openly and stay in good contact. I believe a lot of that lies in meeting people of a similar nature. Just look in the AAG forums at the daily threads that ask about the frequency, duration and focus of communicating; how to communicate, etc.
Having our own communication styles, wants and needs allows us to find people with similar traits and values IMO. | |
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| Where does your communication values sit?
Posted: 2/19/2010 10:47:59 AM | Hi Steve,
I think the pace of progression is an entirely separate item from the quality of communication skills. Any combination of points on these two scales will work for different people and what matters, probably, is accord.
Personally, I like space especially in the beginning. Someone moving from 0-60 in the early days reeks of insincerity simply because they cannot possibly know me very well at that point. But that's just me.
The acid test, for Mermaaiid, is the companionable silence. This is not possible with many people. Where that can be achieved, my heart lies forever true.
Interesting post.
m | |
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