kow626
| | Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 1 | |
| | still not stable after age 30.Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | i did a thread search and found nothing on this topic. it's been on my mind for a while. figured i'd chime in to see what others think.
when we get to a certain age and have a certain amount of life experience, i'd think that we get a better clue of who we are and what we want but i'm finding this not to be the case. financial stability is making good money and having a nest egg of some sort. physical stability is being healthy and in good shape. emotional stability is being in control of your emotions and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to others.
but there's another type that i don't see or hear discussed much. how about location stability (for lack of a better term)? i'm talking about those people who still don't know where they wanna live and move around frequently. whether it's for a job, love, family, or whatever.
some personal examples i've had to experience recently (all are in their 30's) is one chick i was on a date with who said she wanted to move cuz "nothing's keeping me here." yet i was sitting right next to her. pretty much let me know where i stood in the blink of an eye. when asked where she wanted to move, the answer was the typical "i don't know." she'd just moved to the city (same as the other women i'll describe) and i learned she just moved again recently.
other chick moved here for a job and stated that she hated it here and was looking to move yet again if another opportunity came up. based on her residential history she explained to me, she's a serial mover. lol. things didn't progress between us beyond that phone call. another chick moved cuz her parents were here and stated she wants to move again cuz like the second one, she hates it here and misses her friends. she's a serial mover too.
without getting into too many details, i've encountered some women who are incredibly unstable and still unsure of what they really want for themselves so it's no wonder to anyone that they're still single. it might take a little longer for some people to find their way, i know, but damn. i hear women talk about how they want a stable man in the other 3 categories but shouldn't planting roots somewhere count for something too?
frequent traveling is one thing. frequent moving is another. it's not something i used to think about when selecting a partner but i do now. what are some of your opinions of people (male or female) who still move from city to city constantly for whatever reason after they've reached a certain age? would you still bother to date them knowing that they're probably not gonna stick around based on their history? none of these women had kids but i also wonder what the social impact on the child would be with all that moving around if they did. any thoughts? | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 4:49:07 AM | This is an interesting topic and I hope you get more responses as I would like to hear other's thoughts on this.
My first thought was that things really have changed over the last couple of decades that what was one the norm for someone in their twenties - ie: settling down - has now shifted to the 30's. Less people getting married or marrying later in life, having kids into the 30's and 40's ... careers are much more on the forefront now.
A lot of people have much higher expectations and a criteria they need to be met. Our grandparents generation might have settled down with the first person they met as that was the done thing and their chances of meeting anyone else was much slimmer. Now with more accessible means of communication to the rest of the world and the ease of migration, it's opened up a much bigger world of opportunities both professionally and personally.
I don't know if this is social conditioning or what but I look to the older generations and see people who have stuck together for 50+ years or whatever, not out of love but duty. They worked at harder at relationships and they put up with a lot more misery and dissatisfaction 'cos that's what people did. Now, we're in the mindframe that if we're not happy, we get out ... but do we know what makes us happy till we find it?
Or is it just a case of the grass being greener on the other side?
I can understand the frustration of being on the receiving end of someone with itchy feet but I'd rather be with someone who genuinely wants me, rather than settling for me as a reasonably good option 'cos they feel they should.
I moved 14 times in 6 years. I couldn't settle, I didn't want to as I'd never felt happy where I was. Only when I had my child did I stop still but I was lot younger than the age you're talking about. However, I'd been in this house 6 years before I even fully unpacked everything! I was ready to pack up and go at a moment's notice.
One thing I do believe is that it's not about age, it's about where you are in life and how you feel about it. Some people can be ready at 21, some not until they're 40. I guess we're all different so I look forward to reading the replies to this thread. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:24:16 AM | Home is where the heart is. Some people have trouble finding their own hearts and place in this world. I can relate!!! Has partially to do with making comfortable money, but also has to do with where we feel at peace and totally loved in this world.
We need to dig deeper, and realize that, WHEREVER we are, it's the place to be!!! WHEREVER we are, we can call that home!
If she (or you) are not feeling secure, it's simple. You're not loving deeply enough. Learn to love something and someone RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.
A lot of it is loving your Creator, call it God, Allah or whatever you will, and trusting that source. A God-centered person can be happy anywhere, because they really appreciate God's beauty and love all around them, wherever they are!
It's deep, it's primordial...relax and love deeply. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:25:51 AM | I don't think somebody needs to put down roots just because "this is where my stuff is." There should be a compelling reason why someone needs to stay in the same place: a job, a relationship, kids. But nowadays, people realize they don't have to remain in the same career for the next 40 years. Relationships ends. People have children later in life or never at all.
Even though I've been in the same place for awhile, I don't have roots that are firmly planted. If an amazing opportunity came along elsewhere, I could move. I don't see anything wrong with someone searching for a good residential fit the same way they'd search for a good relationship fit. I'd say those roots can cause just as many problems as flitting from town to town can.
A lot of it is loving your Creator, call it God, Allah or whatever you will. A God-centered person can be happy anywhere, because they appreciate God's beauty all around them wherever they are!
Believe it or not, there are plenty of "God-centered" people who aren't happy with where they are and plenty of non-believers who are. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:28:15 AM | I first read this and I thought OP was referring to mental stability, so I took a read. This turned out to be as interesting. I find that there are equally as many people who would not leave roots as would set roots. Me, I'm 4 cities into my adult life later, but finally found a city I want to call home....Big enough I could melt into it and neighborly enough that it still kinda feels like that small mining town I grew in up north. It took a long time to feel comfortable where I am.... I wonder if that is what goes through the minds of others who aren't situationally stable. I really had the itch to leave until I moved here.. That was 7 years ago now.
My 0.02 | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:30:52 AM | Thanks. I'm not talking about God in the Biblical sense, but just SOME spiritual force and source that is more than what this material world has to offer, which, as we all know, is so fleeting. Like you said, relationships end, etc.
Just love SOME kind of source that is not of this world deeply. And trust that that source will always provide, if we're looking in the right way. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:53:58 AM |
Just love SOME kind of source that is not of this world deeply.
Why not love something that is of this world: yourself, your friends, your family. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 7:57:28 AM | | I think being stable has more to do with being comfortable and confident in yourself, regardless of faith or lack thereof. You, kpooks, seem to alude that atheists can never be happy and I think that's what Alooo has a problem with. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 8:29:35 AM | A stable person is stable...
And what I mean by that is stability is like happiness... nothing, nobody and no place can make you stable or happy BUT YOU. Money can only provide you financial stability but it doesn't make you a stable person.
Home is where you lay your head, not where you were born and raised... Home is family.. and why i say that is because if your family moved from the home you were raised in, would you still consider that home? Most likely not!
I had a conversation recently with my ex in which I made the comment "there's nothing to keep me here anymore other than making sure my oldest 2 children are set before I leave". Was he the reason I've stayed as long as I have.. NO. Because had we remained together the option would've been "are you coming with or getting left behind?". I know its time for me to move on when I feel I've experienced everything I wanted to at that location. I'm a happy person and I create my own happiness regardless of where I live or what/who I surround myself with. I work with a company that is nationwide so I have the opportunities to keep being a "serial mover" (as some have called it) but I dont view my constant moving as not settling down. I consider it the opportunity to broaden my horizons, see and experience differences in living, cultures, etc..
So, most likely, the reason I am single is not that I am not stable but moreso I haven't met a person that is adventurous as I am and would be willing to pack it up and move on to the next adventure but I haven't given up that a person like that is out there. Maybe I haven't hit that city yet?? lol | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 8:39:03 AM | I moved around alot in my 20s and moved back to the place I grew up a few years ago.
I'm pretty content now to never leave. On the other hand though the country is a pretty interesting place in general and the only reason I'm not going to move again is because of family. If it wasn't for family one of the advantages of not working the same job for 40 years is being able to relocate and see new places.
I actually didn't just write someone because they clearly were planning their next move in their profile..Why bother? Its a pretty huge fundamental difference in outlooks..Surely you can find someone who doesn't want to move. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 9:13:16 AM | I'm in my mid thirties and my fourth city since leaving grade school. My reasons for moving has not been about stability problems on my own fault, instead it was career and education based. From college to another city for job, to another city for better employment and more money ... and so on. Every where I've layed my head down was considered home to me, in fact every city I moved to I try hard to plant my roots and call it my permanent home. Better opportunities have always been in my favor.
But OP I do understand where you are coming I had the exact same thing happen to me. Dedicated myself to, what I thought was a good relationship for years and all of a sudden, "There nothing here for me" conversation came up. Though we were in our late twenties, I had all intention of planting roots and settling down. It could have been mmaturity or a lacking of life inexperience on her part ... looking for more out of life. I don't know.
Currently, I moved to a new city and recently moved my business here, looking to call this my permenant home. If you look at my profile, one of my requirements for courtship is to be stable minded and ready to give herself wholy in a relationship. If for any reason she feels that she's missing something in life, I would insist our courtship be over. My intentions have been stated plainly and I will not settle for anything less. I've done my life explorations and expect my life partner to have competed her's. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 11:53:53 AM | | I’ve lived in 4 provinces and moved 17 times since 2000. I just can’t date anyone. It wouldn’t be fair. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 2/28/2010 1:46:26 PM | | I only know one person that did this (changed job locations like underwear)....and frankly, it was because of mental health issues and his personality....always felt that the grass was greener on the other side....I would think it is a red flag for most people... | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/1/2010 4:05:38 PM | My family moved a lot when I was a kid so I don't feel a particular attachment to any particular place. A few years ago, I tossed a dart at a map and moved to my current location. By that point, my parents had sold our latest family home and purchased a retirement condo in another state and my sister had moved to a different state. Planting roots or living near family is just something none of us has ever done.
I don't have and never plan to have kids so I have the freedom to move if I want. I'm lucky to have a career and education that will allow me to find work if I decide to relocate again. I consider myself stable---I've completed my education, I've always been gainfully employed, I'm careful with my money, etc. But I do have a bit of wanderlust in me that makes me antsy for a change after being in one place for a few years. Could that be overridden if I met the right partner? Probably. But since it hasn't happened, I keep my options open if a new career opportunity presents itself in another city or state. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/1/2010 6:14:28 PM | You choose an odd title.
She is independent. Not tied down to a man or children. Successful enough to find a job anywhere. Adventurous enough to start over. She has the life that many dream about.
If you were "the one" she would have invited you to go with her or stayed to be with you. Dont take it personally. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/1/2010 6:33:24 PM | Yes. I moved a lot growing up and it was very unsettling- literally. There are nomadic types who move to experience new places and those who move to find new people to date, promote their career etc.
As for me, I don't want to move until I retire, and that may just be right where I'm at.
I've made great friends here over the past 10 years and , although I've considered moving to be closer to a metro area ,
I want to remain for the stability . | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/1/2010 6:59:56 PM | Good Topic OP,
I've lived in my city all my life only because I got married and had kids, and like others, I have the "itch" to move...but it's not always about lack of location stability. I plan to return to School which requires a change of venue, but should I meet someone I will ask if they are willing to uproot to come along for the ride.
If you were dating someone for a period of time (say a year, maybe 2) would you consider moving with them if they really had a "Need" to move? Maybe girl #1 really had motives of her own that she just wasn't letting you in on...some people are afraid to share future plans, others were just meant to be more Nomadic...it's in thier blood.
" Money can only provide you financial stability but it doesn't make you a stable person"
Money may not make you a "Stable" person, but it sure as Hell takes alot of lifes little worries
away, and brings you a bit more peace of mind...which can lead to stability. | |
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kow626
| | Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 18 | |
| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/1/2010 7:47:49 PM | If you were dating someone for a period of time (say a year, maybe 2) would you consider moving with them if they really had a "Need" to move?
no, i wouldn't. i absolutely love where i live. everything about it. when putting every single criteria in place for my final place of residence (and there were a LOT of them cuz i'm not impulsive), i know i made the right choice and have no plans on ever leaving unless it's for travel. i just bought a house about a year ago. i'm totally confident in my decision. i'm about as stable on all 4 levels as anyone could ever hope to be and i still have plenty of ambitious projects yet to see fruition.
if i met a good woman, she'd know right upfront about my residential status. if she still chose to be with me, she'd be the one who'd have to make a decision on whether to stay or go. if she chose to leave, no matter how much love i had for her, i wouldn't want to be a hindrance. i'd allow her to leave and be happy instead of staying and being miserable. if it was meant to be, then it would be. that's how i look at relationships.
girl 1 had character flaws and insecurities that led to our end. when i hear too many "i don't know's" from a person when i ask about their goals, dreams, etc, that just tells me they still need to figure out what they want in life and she fell right into that category perfectly. a confident woman is an attractive woman to me. and you're right about the others. i hate dating around but one positive thing about it is that you develop new screening filters. even though things didn't work out between any of us, i always learn something new from people and apply that knowledge to change myself for the better if necessary and change my standards for the woman i'll eventually keep whenever she comes along. location stability has become one of those filters. i don't see the need to waste time with someone who's gonna disappear soon. not that i'll exclude anyone automatically, but if the red flags are screaming at me that this person has no plans on sticking around for me or anyone or anything else, i won't bother any further. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/2/2010 5:23:51 AM | Well the simple answer for you is be glad they are so open about it and you know its not going to work up front.
My ex grew up moving a lot and with that she has pulled us around a lot as well. She can not be happy in one place for more than a few years and often less. We where married and moved to be closer to my son and she did not like the area and left me over the location (or just needed to move again) I packed up and moved back near her to make things work and had to deal with being 5 hours away from my son again. Then after some time she could not take our location and we moved again. Finally she found someone else she wanted to be with and you guessed it wants to move again.
I have noticed that her being unsettled with one location does relate to being unsettled with one man, over and over during our 7 year marriage I would discover her having various forms of online affairs... go through a period of forgiveness and rebuilding just to have it repeat. I do not think I could ever date someone that is a serial mover again... might not be everyone but life links things like that together and for me its a red flag now. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/4/2010 5:27:58 PM | I think you should do some research into the lives of people in the military to answer your questions on this. They wont fit your concept of unstable people who move all the time on a whim, but they would provide answers to your queries about how the children might be affected and so forth.
Since all there is to your concern about selecting a partner, is that once you find out they move a lot that you are no longer interested, why bother with this fuss? I see no reason to try to gather a "tsk-tsk" club together to complain about people. And your hinted outrage at potential damage to the non-existent children makes me wonder if you are asking for tentative support to take legal action against this sort of lifestyle. I would oppose that too. | |
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kow626
| | Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 21 | |
| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/4/2010 5:48:45 PM | dr frankensteen,
you're looking WAAAYY to far into my questions. there is no outrage, no legal action gonna be taken, no none of that. just a simple question with a spattering of experiences listed to engage discussion and gain knowledge. nothing more, nothing less. i'd love to talk to some military folk about how the kids may be affected to satisfy my own curiosity but i can't say i've ever had the opportunity to speak to anyone in the military ever. not the soldiers, not the wives, not the kids, not any branch of the armed forces, no particular age group. guess we hang in different circles since it's already been 34 years.
also, i won't dis a chick if she tells me she moves around a lot but if she hints that she's gonna be hitting the highway while we're discovering each other, that tells me a lot. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/5/2010 2:30:09 AM | Nice topic Kow626,
Just thought I'd say I always have lived where I am. I wonder if that would get me any bonus points for stability if I had that on my profile? I'm currently happy with it but if we had good economic times things would just get worse and worse here because it gets more and more crowded. During good economic times I typically look up places of declining population like Detroit or Franklin Virginia because traffic problems are gradually going away and they typically have higher female to male ratios. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/5/2010 5:15:34 AM | | I guess some people have a stage in life where they need to do that. Furthermore i bet most of the "movers" end up right back where they started. Why? Because they figure out that what they were looking for, or what they were trying to run away from, started within themselves. Anyone can move, but we carry our demons and our angels with us. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/5/2010 5:26:33 AM | This is a good post.
I would bet that the people who are indecisive are not going anywhere. Many people talk but few are up to the moment. A lot of women on here say they love to travel, but, in a lot of cases, this is not actually true. The truth is they want a guy who likes to travel.
If the women in question had kids then it would be a whole new ball game. They would not be having the thoughts they have so I don't think you can compare it. | |
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| still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 5/11/2012 2:09:49 AM | | Material possesions dont matter. We get stuck in the mortgage grind and live paycheck to paycheck until were old. Then guess what you get sick and old and lose everything anyway. Enjoy life while you can. Losing all your mo.ey and free time paying off posessions is sad and draining. We really do live in a techno feudalism when you think about it. Work travel experience life..screw modern society. For most of us the American dream doesnt exist.so go the other route. | |
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