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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?      Home login  
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 Cathyis51
Joined: 2/21/2010
Msg: 1
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?Page 1 of 1    
Ask a guy, wow, this is great. I might be here often! *lol* Okay, here's my question. Why don't men really appreciate what they have with you until it's over? This has happened to me and many women I know over and over. It's always the same scenerio: You are in a serious relationship (whether dating or married) and there are problems. You try to talk about it-- he doesn't want to or ignores what's going on. You try and try to get some communication going and it falls on deaf ears. Then you tell him things have to change or it's over between us. He doesn't listen AGAIN. (Maybe he thinks this is an idle threat?) So then the woman ends the relationship and then man THEN wants to talk, wants to know what was wrong, wants to fix it, etc. etc. THEN he realizes how much he loves you and will do anything to fix it. When the relationship is completely over and it's TOO LATE. Please, some intelligent man explain this to me? My sister, friends, and I would appreciate it! Thanks!! :)
 davdo
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 2
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:43:58 AM
Because that is how women have raised us? No didn't think that would go over well. Maybe our brains our slower? How about women settle for men they shouldn't because they don't want to be alone? Men do it because we get away with it? Men don't understand female communication methods and by the time we translate it, it is to late? Maybe there was a football game on when you were trying to talk? We can't pick out the important things you talk about from all the unimportant things you talk about. You aren't accurately and effectively communicating the behaviors that are upsetting you. Why would you hang around someone who doesn't appreciate you till you are gone? I mean you tolerate it up to a point, seems part of the problem. If a guy isn't good at it dump his ass and move on. Who cares if he comes around later. He had his chance.

Heck I have seen women say the same thing about how their mothers, fathers, employers, neighbors, church, clerks, kids and everyone else never appreciate them. And it works both ways it doesn't bother men as much.
 bruins_fan89
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 3
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:46:46 AM
It's the whole you don't realize what you have until it's gone deal. Although I don't have a great answer for you, because it's almost a human nature thing, it's just how we are. Women are just as bad with it in my experience.
 maximusminimus
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 4
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:00:59 AM
The man doesn't appreciate you again until you have stopped bugging him to talk when he doesn't want to. He is focusing on that. Then when it's over he can remember what he did like about you, when you weren't crabbing at him.
 Thesumofallparts
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 5
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:06:24 AM
Most of the time, this "communication" you speak of is confusing and too subtle. Women expect us to have the same intuition they do, and it's just not the case. Guys are direct and direct communication is the best way to get a guy to talk.
You may say that you threaten to end the realtionship and he thinks its an "idle threat." Well, there you have it. If you communicated that so he understood better, you wouldn't be asking this problem

^^^ I agree, women are just as bad with it.

Thing is, people fall into relationships as a lifestyle change and often take the partner for granted. Happens all the time.

Raise the standards of the guys you date, quit choosing to continue dating guys who suck at communicating (you should be trying to figure out their skills in the first few dates with them) and see what happens.
 Cathyis51
Joined: 2/21/2010
Msg: 6
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:23:52 AM
I don't crab or bug him with lots of endless chatter. I'm pretty cut and dried. Maybe there are just general communication problems in relationships that we all have. The whole venus/mars thing.
 jbking2
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 7
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:24:54 AM
There is the question of what kinds of changes are we talking about and whether or not this was known before the relationship became serious. For example, if the woman wanted the guy to quit smoking or drinking, but didn't say this until after the relationship is serious, what is supposed to be the mature response to this situation? Another key point is the difference between discussing a problem and resolving a problem. Does he know when a conversation has either of those objectives?

I'm reminded of the joke that when a man and woman get married, she is hoping to change him and he is hoping she doesn't change.

A final thought is that how does anyone know that the guy really does appreciate the relationship? Maybe he just wants some companionship and is doing whatever he thinks will get that. I'm reminded of the child that will say, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," but isn't really sincere in apologizing but believes that the apologies will wear down whoever scolded him. Not to get all too analytical on this of course.
 Cathyis51
Joined: 2/21/2010
Msg: 8
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:25:20 AM
I'm pretty direct and specific. At least I try to be. I have raised my standards which is why I'm single again! :)
 Cathyis51
Joined: 2/21/2010
Msg: 9
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:36:24 AM
Here's an example:
I was living with a guy and when we would have a disagreement he would grab some clothes and say he was moving out and then run out the door. Of course pretty quickly after that he would be back and say he was sorry, he won't handle things that way again. Well it happens many more times. After a few times I tell him it has to stop or it will really hurt our relationship. You can't build trust or solve a disagreement if you always run out the door. A few more times later I tell him if it doesn't stop it's over between us. The last time headed for the door I told him, "okay, get the **** out."
The disagreements were minor things anyone living together has. Stuff like what the thermostat is set on and if you want the light on or off in the living room.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 10
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:38:35 AM
Most women, including myself, like to talk and would prefer it if men had an open ear. Then again, there is the drivel nonsense that some men don't care to hear nor talk about.

A man doesn't have to tune into every little thing his s/o wants to discuss. It wouldn't make him a bad person, nor does it mean he doesn't listen in general.

It actually gets bad when the lack of communication in a relationship grows sour.
 ENDERS~GAME
Joined: 3/2/2010
Msg: 11
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Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:40:40 AM
Bcoz the chase is over ..... you gotta keep em on their toes .....maybe not be so available .... moving in too soon for example is the kiss of death
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 12
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:03:31 AM

Why don't men really appreciate what they have with you until it's over?

The loss of regular sex tends to wake a guy up.
 twbb
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 13
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Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:11:12 AM
Okay, here is my thoughts/experience/ideas/answer...LOL

It all has to do with the timing of of how as a couple, the " problems " are addressed.
With men, there is a window of time( the woman must figure out ) to approach their partner in order to have a productive conversation about the issue at hand.

Think about this. when your dude comes home, is he all anxious to talk? Does he ramble on about his day? Or, does he usually find some place or something quiet or relaxing to do?( take nap, watch t.v., ect) It is part of most mens make-up to be pretty docile for the first 2-3 hours after he comes home. This is his way of chillin, so to speak. It is also a behavoir trait typically not shared be woman. You might as well be talking to a wall, and the man in lots of cases won't even remember what you were saying.
Alot of communication troubles can be eliminated by simply giving your man the time he needs to re-focus his day towards being there for you and your concerns. I truely beleive most problems that can create distance between men and woman all center around the " timing " of when problems are confronted. I would say in general, most men really do want to communicate their feelings, but are not given enough time to become mentally available for comment. This, leads to the traits you have described in your post ( being ignored, comments falling on deaf ears ).

Hope this helps!
TB
 Jebby16
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 14
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Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:18:26 AM
It's not that he "realizes how much he loves you and will do anything to fix it."
It's fear of abandonment. He doesn't want to be alone. An ex of mine went through this with her exhubby before she and I met. After many threats to him by her saying she's leaving (and his responses of indifference) she divorced his sorry arse.

The beginning of our relationship was choppy because he tried to win her back but he's very passive/aggressive. I told her not to do it for me but for her. Going back to the abuse/neglect would be the end of her....and she's not getting any younger.
Anyway, he was in the dating game during all this...such is life.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 15
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:33:27 AM

Maybe there are just general communication problems in relationships that we all have. The whole venus/mars thing.
Not to sound snarky here but please speak for yourself.

I usually don't have a problem communicating. Since communication is a two way street one is listening and one is talking.


Why don't men really appreciate what they have with you until it's over?

Again, this is two way street, to feel appreciated you must first learn to appreciate.

This subject isn't gender bais this personality bias.

Also if someone threatned me in such manner that things had to change or else. I would call or Else... Maybe I am the misnomer in this. I don't usually do a lot of telling I do a lot of asking and clarifying.

sorry maybe just different styles for different folks.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 16
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Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:42:23 AM
There are dynamics going on that you aren't seeing. For one thing, most of us are confronted all day with complaints and calls for us to change things, fix things, hustle up. After a while, it all runs together into a mess of demands that seem as though they can't ever be met. So we pick the ones that are imperative (like paying the bills), and let the rest slide.
Another dynamic: many people who one is in a relationship with complain about things, but when you try to please them, they APPEAR to contradict themselves. They ask for creativity, but when you create something, they yell "not THAT!". After a while, you don't bother to try to respond, because THEIR meaning about what they say and yours are obviously not the same.
Another: too many warnings. After the third notice, warnings no longer seem to mean anything. Then when the fifth one is followed by the person actually packing to leave, you realize they really meant it.
Another: the grief a guy is going through trying to please a woman is dragging them down. They feel nothing but burdens and confusion. She threatens to leave, he feels he might actually be better off without her. Then when she DOES leave, he becomes aware for the first time, of the positive things she was also providing, so he tries to get her back.

The answer all questions like this require the details of the exact situation, for a more accurate answer to be given, but that's a starter list for you.
 spriggig2
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 17
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:52:14 AM

The man doesn't appreciate you again until you have stopped bugging him to talk when he doesn't want to...


He doesn't want to BECAUSE you are bugging him. The right thing to do when a man isn't talking is to leave him alone.

Great, you say, then he STILL doesn't talk. Right, you left him alone and he's settled down and is neutral on the subject. HOW do you get him to take the next step and talk without prompting him to raise his defenses?

Become even more distant from him. Essentially, what you need to do is "break up" with him through ACTIONS, not words, to get him to the point that he will come to you and talk on his own--exactly the way he would when you really break up with him. You pull him back into balance with you.

From this point, after the talk and things have settled down, move back toward him but don't get clingy again--when you feel needy, force yourself in the opposite direction, back away to pull him closer.
 melkiorr
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 18
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:53:49 AM
There is a time and a place to talk. And that time is not every single time you feel like talking.... Keep making drama about minors things, keep using threat to get wat you want, hold sex to get him to listen.....

It wont work.

Maybe you should start realise , how stupid you were to make such a drama about minors things..... Was it that important to have that discussion now.... Its not about if the man appreciate you....its about why they stop listening to you....

He will always listen to you if every single time you talk to him, it matters for him.... He will stop listening to you if every single time you keep talking about useless things...

Can you blame him ?
 Krebby2001
Joined: 6/12/2007
Msg: 19
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Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 10:00:39 AM
Like sassy said, asking and clarifying would go a long way toward understanding what Igor refers to as "details of the exact situation."

Some folks confuse "telling" with "communication." The latter is a two way street.

Finally, women wouldn't be complaining about this, unless it was the case that they feel that the man, too, had something to offer to them. In some ways, it's a blame game -- we had something going, why did he have to f*ck up?

The answer lies in what the previous two posters have pointed out -- understanding the unique situations that gave rise to the problem and learning how to communicate effectively, not just one way yada yada or speaking in tongues, so to speak, assuming that the other party fully appreciated the gravity of the problem. But, it goes both ways. I've often sat through "conversations" with my married friends speaking with their spouses, and it's painful sometimes because, they're together, they can do something about being in love again, but, usually they're so tied up in the "noise" of past arguments, that you realize that, it's not so much about the present situation, but rather, an accumulation of past events that has led to the ineffective dialogue now present before you. Times like that, perhaps a two day get-away to "rediscover" one another would be a good thing, if the persons still love each other.
 GoogleFreak1969
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 20
Why don't men appreciate you when they have you?
Posted: 3/7/2010 10:36:49 AM

You try and try to get some communication going and it falls on deaf ears. Then you tell him things have to change or it's over between us. He doesn't listen AGAIN.


Things have to change ? lol
Why would anyone listen if all you care is about yourself? I guess you claim you don't eh? Ever listen to him and not criticize him harshly?


Most women, including myself, like to talk and would prefer it if men had an open ear. Then again, there is the drivel nonsense that some men don't care to hear nor talk about.


Open your ear and men will do the same!


It your lack of respect to the other person, poor communication skills and pure selfishness.
Heck even I wouldn't listen to someone who wouldn't listen to me. Why should they? Is it all about you?
You're lucky these men didn't just bail out on you quickly. Just easier to give over the BS but for someone reason they continue to see you.
Seriously who needs the headaches. I think it's time for a beer!
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