| | Why does he keep pulling the Page 1 of 1 | I've been in a relationship a little over 3 months now .... So far we have had two incidents due to miscommunication (on both ppl's part) and each time he has always pulled the "It's over. I don't want to deal with you anymore" card on me.
... In a nutshell: I say something to him. Before I can explain myself in further details, he misinterprets it into something else, gets completely riled up and says "Fine. Its over" every time. .. I then plead and ask him to "Please listen to what I have to say first before his jumping to conclusions on me". .....
Further details (if you're extremely bored and have time to read): I am tonight with some friends I text to him that there is something I would like to talk to him about, but perhaps it'll be better to talk in person when we meet. ... My batteries then die out on me right after sending that text. Ok, so I don't think anything much of it until I part with my friends later that night and get home to recharge my phone. I am surprised to find that there are 3 -4 tesxts and v/m's with him stressing that this text of mine has left him stressed & worried. My not replying has made him even worry more -- he calls me numerous times -- no answer (Because my BATTERIES were OUT, but he interpreted that I intentionally turned my phone off) --- so he gets pissy and leaves me a angry message that I am "playing games with him" and says he further that "I don't have time to deal with this crap. Its over". ...... So I call him up right away and explain myself -- explain the issue that was on my mind ( it was about something that occurred a day earlier.. about something else that I might have said or done which seemed to piss him off -- it made me feel uneasy right away -- But I wasn't sure how to broach the subject in that instant, for fear it might just aggravate him further -- so I let it slide for that moment -- until I could assess my own thoughts and was more calm to bring the subject up.) ........
Conclusion: We have managed to reach an understanding of the situation over the phone for this second incident -- BUT, this is the second time he has pulled the "its over" card on me. Both times he is saying this even BEFORE I could have the chance to explain myself.
I now feel like I am walking on eggshells with him. ... the particular incident I mentioned above was just a matter of a mere hours when I texted him to the time I could get to recharge my phone battteries and call him. I think IF my batteries had NOT coincidentally gone out on me it may not have made him so pissy. ...... He is so quick to jump to conclusions on me that I am starting to get tired of how he handles matters. (** He said in his last relationship there was a lot of trust issues and so its made him become leery when issues come up and cannot be resolved right away. -- My take:" I AM NOT YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP. Please STOP comparing me to your last relationship. When I agreed to be in a relationship with you I give you my trust 100%, until you prove me otherwise. It is not right nor is it fair that you keep comparing me to your last relationship.")
This is coming from a man who has said "You are the woman of my dreams" to me. He's also said "I feel so honored to be your boyfriend" ... "I dont want to lose you" ........ I have told him with a smile "You don't have to say so much to me. I will know it in the actions that you do." ... *sigh* Funny how those stupid lovey-dovey moments can allow ppl to say some pretty hefty things. (One reason why I dont pay much attention to words but rather put more value in actions.)
We both agree that we both need to work on our communicati0n styles & methods. ... But at this rate I am feeling emotionally drained.
So guys -- why would a man resort to this "Its over" line everytime there is some sort of issue that comes up even BEFORE there is a chance to CLARIFY matters?? | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the Its Over Card??
Posted: 3/7/2010 10:40:01 PM | OP I only skimmed this to be honest and well someone uses this card on me they are only going to use it once. Because I don't bluff... I call.
He would get one more chance if I really cared for him, and that would be after a lot of thought. I don't play these games. Sounds to me like you both might want to invest into communication 101. Setting up ground rules of clean arguing.
why would a man resort to this "Its over" line everytime there is some sort of issue that comes up even BEFORE there is a chance to CLARIFY matters??
Why would anyone use this because it works the conversation has no been deflected and off on a nother subject even if you return to the original subject it has changed and evolved. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/7/2010 11:03:10 PM | | he's testing you on whether or not you would plead with him after the "it's over" line, and therefore you reaffirm his control over you which is pretty neat i would say | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/7/2010 11:03:50 PM |
why would a man resort to this "Its over" line everytime there is some sort of issue that comes up even BEFORE there is a chance to CLARIFY matters??
maybe because you are allowing him to do so.
he's a little boy.
show him he's a little boy by calling his bluff.
then stay gone. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the Its Over Card??
Posted: 3/7/2010 11:11:58 PM | [quote ] do they give up too easily in the face of adversary?
Very good and important question I had sticking in the back of my mind. ... And you know, that is actually part of the reason why I have told myself I will try to work things out until I feel I have drained my resources and will only walk away knowing that I cave it a CHANCE until proven otherwise. I understand that it takes two to make a relationship work. It won't always be rainbows and butterflies .... but for a person to pull this card everytime a challenge comes up .... I think it's reflecting a lot of things on their part. It reflects a lot on how they choose to handle matters when things don't go their way. Will they choose to RUN at the slightest sign of trouble?? A bump in the road and "Its over"??
Sadly, him pulling the "Its over" card on me twice has overshadowed everything else positive that we've experienced together the last few months. It shows how much (or how little) value he puts on what we have together. (Ironcially, he was the one who first asked for us to be exclusive. He also likes to talk a lot in future-tense ..."this time next year lets do such and such" .... I've been the one asking to slow things a bit -- "slowly but surely please" ..)
Both times this miscommunication has happened I have been the one who offered the "Lets try to work things out" approach rather than "Fine its over" approach.
I feel like I am dealing with an emotionally immature person. A childish grown-up who runs at the slightest rocking of the boat. Makes me wonder what if LARGER ISSUES came up?? ...... Perhaps its time to let this one go. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/7/2010 11:25:02 PM | So guys -- why would a man resort to this "Its over" line everytime there is some sort of issue that comes up even BEFORE there is a chance to CLARIFY matters??
short answer: He is an immature jerk.
Longer answer: He is not into you and he is being a coward by finding any excuse to dump you without making the first move.
By you begging him to come back just feeds his ego. Next time he "dumps" you, do yourself a favor and stay dumped. And for god sake stop walking around on eggshells for someone. Life has enough stress without someone that suppose to care about you adding more.
Further details (if you're extremely bored and have time to read): I am tonight with some friends I text to him that there is something I would like to talk to him about, but perhaps it'll be better to talk in person when we meet.
Just for future reference. Don't do that anymore. I hate it when people do that to me. You text that to him and "disappear" the rest of the night?
Most people that hears news like that imagines that it is bad news.
I had a boss would call me at home that night before to tell me he had something to tell me in person at work tomorrow and it was always a chewing out. So yeah, I slept good those nights. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/7/2010 11:25:52 PM |
I text to him that there is something I would like to talk to him about, but perhaps it'll be better to talk in person when we meet. ... My batteries then die out on me right after sending that text.
I'm not sure what kind of phone you are using, but most phones have a gauge telling you how much battery life is remaining. Did you absolutely have to shoot off that message before allowing the phone to die?
So I call him up right away and explain myself...But I wasn't sure...until I could assess my own thoughts and was more calm to bring the subject up.
You created confusion, then came to the rescue to assert your innocence, and now you are going to "let it slide"? This matter is about clarifying something that pissed him off related to some other confusing thing that pissed him off, ad infinitum? Sorry, but it sounds like you are at least partially responsible for creating this drama.
We both agree that we both need to work on our communicati0n styles & methods. ... But at this rate I am feeling emotionally drained.
Get used to it, or move on. Relationships are an ongoing communication challenge.
why would a man resort to this "Its over" line everytime there is some sort of issue that comes up even BEFORE there is a chance to CLARIFY matters??
He resorts to this when he is fed up with allusions and being ping-ponged between "I have something important to say" followed by silent treatment, and clarification arriving only after he has resigned. The obvious solution in this case is to either improve your phone uptime, or to give him a head's up that the battery is dying.
Another potential cause for "It's over" coming up often is when you've both been spending too much time together and he's burnt out. It's only been 3 months, and he's been saying "You are the woman of my dreams"? How the F would he know after only 3 months? It sounds like things might be moving too quickly. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/7/2010 11:35:40 PM | | the reason he keeps sayin that is cuz a. hes scared of confrontation and just wants it to be over or b. is looking for a reason out. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 12:00:15 AM | Like you said he has trust issues. I've seen this lead to alot of beating in LTR, because the men get so angry and so delirious that they honestly think what is going on in their heads it true.
You said that you pay more attention to actions than words... obviously his actions want to leave you behind, but his mind doesn't. Why else would he always get angry over a mere coincidence? This is a man who is going to treat you horribly if you ever settle down with him. My advice, get the hell out while you are safe and unharmed.
Luck, Ron
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 12:00:42 AM |
You created confusion, then came to the rescue to assert your innocence, and now you are going to "let it slide"? This matter is about clarifying something that pissed him off related to some other confusing thing that pissed him off, ad infinitum? Sorry, but it sounds like you are at least partially responsible for creating this drama.
There was an incident a day earlier where he seemed pissed off, I wasn't sure if it was ME or if it was something else that pissed him off. Hence, I did not broach the subject right away, knowing what kind of a quick temper he has for fear it just might aggravate him further. .... Yes, the day after, when my phone was on the last bar, perhaps it was not the wisest timing for me to choose to text him that message -- but for him to decide that "ITS OVER" in a matter of a few hours before I could manage to communicate back to him ... gee by golly wow, if we somehow chose to just simply walk away everytime a bump in the road came along! ..... How very sweet life would be! 
I explained myself to him that it was simply bad timing that my battery went out -- hence the temporary communication break down. ... But this is not the first time he has chosen to bail out. First time, before I could even explain what I needed to completely say: He simply stormed out all pissy before I could continue .... He then went on to further jump to conclusions and said "Its over" .
As much as we've been together, he has shown to have a quick temper and tendency to jump to a verdict even BEFORE all the cards have been laid out. .... How would you deal with a person who jumps to his own conclusions and calls to bail out everytime there is a hiccup in road? .... His last two relationships he told me he was the one who called it off. ....
How does one ever fix problems without even giving a chance to work and clarify things?
How does one deal with a person who snaps so easily??
I think I have stretched my own patience and compromise level as much I can. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 12:21:42 AM | | It seems to me he is the kind who shoots first then asks later. I am going to stop short of calling it a disease. He needs to work on it. The easiest way when misunderstanding happens he needs to get busy in some thing unrelated until things clear up. It happens to all human but some know how to handle it and some can not. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 12:35:34 AM |
How does one ever fix problems without even giving a chance to work and clarify things?
You don't. You can't. He's not being fair.
How does one deal with a person who snaps so easily??
Force him to read "Men are from Mars..." If you can't do that, try to apprise him of the fact that he needs to calm down and think before making any serious decisions. It sounds like he just needs to spend time thinking about the problem when he gets all pissy. Don't put up with his "I'm outta here" crap (as the others have suggested). Men get frustrated, and when to do so, they need time alone to collect their thoughts just as you need to prepare for broaching a sensitive topic with him.
If he can't at least count to 10 before completely losing it, then what harm is there in being the 3rd person he has written off? It's not as though being the dumper or dumpee makes a difference in the long run, and he won't become a better person until he learns to collect himself before taking action.
Put your foot down on this one. You should not have to tread lightly because he's too sensitive.
I have had a few tense moments with my gf, but I've never called an end to the relationship without giving her a chance to argue her case. Each time, she presents something well-intentioned that I wasn't even thinking about :) | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 12:41:27 AM | Next time he blows up and says it's over?
Call his bluff and tell him to f*ck off.
(Only of course you'll actually mean it, I hope.)
He's making threats to dump you because it makes him feel like he has power over you- fed by the fact that you seem to always react by getting upset and begging forgiveness. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 12:48:39 AM | | OP my friends girlfriend was doing the same exact thing your boyfriend is doing. She cheated on him and left him 2 months later. Not sure if thats what you want to hear | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:03:08 AM | He resorts to "It's over," because it gets him what he wants.
Chasing him as he walks away isn't working.
Try, "Fine, goodbye."
When you respond, he's more import. It's pumping the energy up and he likes that. He expects you to react (and doesn't care if it's anger or giving in). When you do that, you don't like what you get so . . . "My doctor said, 'Don't do that.'".
Stand there and listen carefully. Don't react, don't blame yourself, just listen closely and carefully. When you don't respond he's going to be confused and will wind down. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:33:19 AM | The key to this, is knowing HIS history. Everything you describe, from the lofty statements at the beginning of your relationship, to the repeated panicky "it's over" declarations, suggests he has a painful past, wherein he felt either emotionally abused, or outright betrayed, probably more than once. HE has not completely recovered and re-integrated himself since those experiences, and is therefore dealing with you all the time as a POTENTIAL betrayer.
The lofty early statements fit a pattern of trying to establish up front that he was HOPING for someone who is hard enough to please, that they would not run off with the NEXT guy who spoke to them on the street. Declaring "I feel so honored to be your boyfriend" was both a way to flatter, but also to express the HOPE that you would be honorable, and loyal in return.
When you have had your problems, he (as you have recognized) panics, and tries to protect himself from emotional injury by cutting you off before you can cut him off.
As for the solution, it's a matter of him solving his own trust issues. There's nothing YOU can do to help him with that, other than behaving honestly and honorably. HE has to establish his own sense of self-worth, and his own behavioral boundaries so that he can feel comfortable and secure in his own bones. Only then will he be able to see YOU clearly enough that he can feel reasonably confident about your lives together. That's what I had to go through after I was emotionally torn to shreds years ago, and it's what everyone I've known has had to go through. | |
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RD Mo
| | Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 18 | |
| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:31:58 AM | Your first two paragraphs summarize it.
This is classic passive aggressive behaviour.
RUN.. Run very fast. You don't need this crap.
Been there done that. | |
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| Why does he keep pulling the
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:56:24 AM | Well, if you found this guy on a dating service it has probably been embedded in his brain that the slightest possible thing will cause a relationship to be, "over". Call it, online dating post traumatic stress disorder.
On the other hand, the guy could probably just have insecurity issues. Some guys thrive in the tantrum zone.
"You are the woman of my dreams" to me. He's also said "I feel so honored to be your boyfriend" ... "I dont want to lose you"
Always amazes me when I hear what other guys say....
To be honest, I don't think most guys realize how much it scares women when we say things like that. We know, it's never really over until it is actually over. | |
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