| | After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's ChildPage 1 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | I recently met a girl on POF, and we started talking, decided to meet, really hit things off. The usual success story.
Well, we've been dating for about a month and a half and she tells me that she's starting to feel strange. She begins to suspect that she may be pregnant.
During all acts of intimacy I did the responsible thing and always used a condom, she also told me she was on birth control. Of course, I began to panic.
We decide to buy her a test and surely we see that it is positive, and we begin to discuss how we will deal with it and what actions must be taken. During the next week that follows she begins to act very distant around me. I wonder if it may be because of the recent discovery, but I decided to confront her. She tells me that she doesn't believe it is mine.
Sure enough, we take her to the doctors for an ultrasound/urine test and discover the baby is 12 weeks old. I've known her for 4.
Here is the dilemma: Although it's only been a month I really her company. Before all this happened we used to talk all the time and we really got to know each other. However, I fear that since this is not my responsibility, I should no longer have any say in this relationship. In other words, I'm unsure if walking out on her is the best solution.
It's the easy way out, but then I would be branded as the "ass" for leaving a women because she's pregnant. I would like to stay with her because of what he had prior, but I do not want to be the father figure. Am I justified in my reasoning?
If I walk away, I lose the opportunity to spend a sizable amount of time with someone I really enjoyed having around, however if I stay I'm setting myself for a responsibility that I am not ready for, nor do I feel I should even take part in.
With the hormones the way they are, she isn't in a reasonable emotional state to understand my conflict. Lately, everything sends her over the edge. She thinks that I'm going to stay and help her raise the child. I'm afraid to bring this up in fear that I she may do something she may regret.
I know the answer may be obvious, but I'd like to hear from the community what their thoughts are in this matter. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:38:07 PM | How about you stay and be her friend and see how things go?
It sounds like you really care about her and she needs a friend right now. Who knows what's going to happen in the future? Take one day/week/month at a time. Nobody's asking you to sign the baby's birth certificate.
One thing that did make me wonder is that she didn't immediately tell you she suspected the baby was not yours. Surely she knew from the start. There's a huge difference between being 4 weeks pregnant and being 12 weeks pregnant! | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:44:46 PM | You would only be branded an 'ass' for leaving if you were the father. As you aren't, I can't imagine anyone sane would tell you that removing yourself from this would be wrong.
So she is 3 months pregnant and has been on birth control the whole time? Really?
Seems to me if she would lie about that, she would likely not be so truthful about many other things as well... like not knowing she was pregnant before you two hooked up.
Are you sure that her relationship with you has been genuine and not her just looking for someone to play daddy? Where is the daddy? Has she told him?
If you don't want the responsibility I think you should tell her calmly and directly. She is in a reasonable emotional state - but will use pregnancy hormones as an excuse. She is old enough to be pregnant then she needs to be old enough to deal with the fall out.
Continue to be her friend if you want but make it clear that is all you are interested in. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:47:15 PM | You wouldn't be doing either of you or the coming baby any favors by sticking around.
You don't want to become the father. Maybe you couldn't even if you did want to, but you don't so it's settled anyway.
Being a father is a bigger thing than the very fleeting and insignificant consideration of whether you might seem to yourself or an imaginary critic as being somehow wrong for stepping out of the situation. It would be quite foolish to try to forge ahead imposing yourself as the father you aren't. Be realistic.
That you like her is wonderful. Be her friend, if she wants to be yours. Stop the romance. It ended when she found out she was already pregnant. You're adjusting to the news but the facts speak for themselves and will remain as they are no matter what angles you try looking at them. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:47:53 PM | Talk about your rock and a hard place!
WOW, guy I'm sorry this happened to you. Well first off, let me say anybody who would call you an azz for leaving, isn't worth talking with. It isn't your child, not even your problem, it's hers. BC should be used at all times, obviously she didn't.
First off, do you know the father, and what kind of guy he is? If he's an azz or deadbeat, then that complicates things. Next her expectations are HER problem, NOT yours. "Gee I've dated you for 4 weeks, your nice, why not stick around for the next 18 years and help me raise some other guys kid!"
C'mon guy, that's a he11 of an expectation, reread what I wrote, that's what shes saying to you.
Look take some time for you and consider the ramifications of any involvement you might get into. This isn't a few month project, once your in, the child will grow up, in YOUR LIFE, that's nothing to take lightly.
For now I suggest you back off a bit, sort out your feelings and be a friend to her, NOT her boyfriend. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:49:31 PM | | You would not be branded an ass for leaving someone who is pregnant with another person child. A lot of people would consider you crazy for staying! The best advice for you was already given, if you care for her stay by her side as a friend and nothing more. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:49:59 PM | OP -- Dude...you're 19 for Christ sake. You've known her for a whopping 4 whole weeks! woo 
You have your whole life ahead of you, so live it. Who gives a rat's ass what the wold would say if you left. Are THEY living your life? No. Are THEY gonna chip in to help you support a kid that ain't yours? NOT.
Flee kid. Run like you owed a loan shark...
And keep running. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:52:55 PM | As I've mentioned, the answer was obvious from the start.
I do want to simply be her friend, and then as a friend help her through this crisis, but I have no intention of holding the 'boyfriend' title. In fact, since the day she found out, we've been lucky to even hold hands.
The romance disappeared fairly quickly, and lately it feels like I'm not even with her anymore. I feel she may be distancing herself on purpose, anticipating this sort of reaction on my behalf. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:54:27 PM |
It's the easy way out, but then I would be branded as the "ass" for leaving a women because she's pregnant.
bro- let this one go...this is a headache you do not need.
you might be branded as an "ass" but she's already been labelled a "wh0re" so what's it to ya.??
seriously .
her life is about to change tremendously and you'll be far down her list.
or
dump her and go find another... | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:56:00 PM | Honey, the only time a guy is branded an "ass" for leaving a pregnant girl is when it's his baby. Staying with her because of what you had prior doesn't seem very reasonable to me, as the situation isn't the same as what you believed it was when you two hooked up. It won't be any easier for you to leave after the baby is born. You definately need to let her know that you aren't inclined to stay and help her raise this baby. Whatever she chooses to do with that information is her responsibility, not yours.
You're only 19, and there are tons of other girls out there who don't have this kind of complication going on. I understand, you feel sorry for the situation she's created for herself, but it's her life, and her responsibility to get things all sorted out. I think it's admirable that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but sometimes the kindest thing you can do for people is tell them the truth, and give them the space to sort out their own messes. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. | |
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452
| | Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 13 | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:56:41 PM | ^
then your problem solved itself. you knew what you had to do (leave) and she is making it easier by being distant.
and I agree with everyone else: leaving is the right thing to do.
it would be a totally different story if this was YOUR baby, but its not.
good luck and I hope all goes well. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:00:58 PM | Eldrida gave you some good advice but Eldrida, he also lives in Canada where they can/will make a non-biological father responsible for the child financially even if they know it is not his child.
I know a man who met his wife when she was pregnant. They started seeing each other and when the child was around two years old they tied the knot. I'm not necessarily advocating anything but sometimes the person is worth at least hanging around to see if what you thought you had was there.
Similarly, a friend met a guy, they really liked each other, bam she winds up pregnant when she believed she was physically incapable of conceiving having tried for 3 years prior with her previous boyfriend. She was one of those people that kinda hated him as soon as she was pregnant and he wasn't initially jazzed about becoming a dad. He decided by the time the baby was born that he did want to be a father and after going through the birth together they decided to give things a go. They now have three children and have been married for about 15 years, and they are actually happy. Still enjoy each other's company but things were rough the first couple of years.
There are also probably a gazillion stories of people that didn't have a good outcome next to my two stories of instances where this didn't turn out horribly.
I think the question you should ask yourself is whether you want to be involved with a woman that has a child. At your age, most folks are still partying. If you would not shy away from a woman with a child, the only difference here is timing. Certainly at your age you should be enjoying yourself and not necessarily assuming responsibility for a family but sometimes we meet the right person at the wrong time.
If you offer her friendship right now you can find out if you are compatible and if there really was more than attraction there. If the friendship survives this mess and you still care about the woman and are good friends then maybe you revisit the whole romantic thing. Only you know look back at what happened before this odd informational bombshell was thrown into your situation to even consider whether any of this is worth it.
You do what is right for you. her and the child without regard to what others think of you. Deep down somewhere you probably have a pretty good idea of what that is. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:03:06 PM |
she also told me she was on birth control.
discover the baby is 12 weeks old. I've known her for 4. When you are on birth control (I assume the pill), you know when you miss your period and you DEFINITELY know when you miss TWO periods...I think she knew she was pregnant but didn't tell you.
When people show you who they are - believe them. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:08:57 PM |
I feel she may be distancing herself on purpose, anticipating this sort of reaction on my behalf.
You're probably right.
And I doubt she'd really blame you.
But you need to let her know right away. Regardless of your stand ethically, morally etc. etc. she may want to terminate the pregnancy if the reality of her situation is clear. If she is deluding herself with a rosy portrait of the two of you raising a baby together, with you looking after them both... She's in big trouble.
She thinks that I'm going to stay and help her raise the child. I'm afraid to bring this up in fear that I she may do something she may regret.
Just be honest. What she does or does not do next is not your responsibility. If you're genuine about wanting to be friends with her, just support her in whatever decision she makes but don't let guilt guide you. She may do something she regrets, and she may do something that she does not regret.
You have to leave that up to her. | |
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Savona
| | Joined: 11/22/2009
Msg: 19 | |
| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:11:47 PM | OP I think you should take the advice from the men on this one.
DATING FOR ONE MONTH ... + PREGNANT GIRL + ANOTHER MANS CHILD + 19 YEARS OLD = DISASTER.
Go talk with you Dad and Mom and I am pretty sure you will hear the same as in this thread. Distance yourself and move on.
Savona | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:12:53 PM |
So she is 3 months pregnant and has been on birth control the whole time? Really?
Seems to me if she would lie about that, she would likely not be so truthful about many other things as well... like not knowing she was pregnant before you two hooked up.
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking.
Frankly, I wouldn't even advise you to be her friend. She presumably has friends and family. Let THEM support her. You caught her in at least one (probable) lie already... she was not on birth control. She was using you. She was lying to you. She was trying to make you her baby daddy. Friends don't do this to friends.
You are 19 years old. If you were older or you had known her a long time (ie: knew each other IRL for years rather than met on the internet), I may have different advice. But alas... you are 19... you've known her 4 weeks... run.
RUN. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:13:41 PM |
Eldrida gave you some good advice but Eldrida, he also lives in Canada where they can/will make a non-biological father responsible for the child financially even if they know it is not his child.
It's fact. It's referred to as "loco parentis". The act of subjugating a non biological Dad to assume the responsibilities of the biological Dad "just because" they happen to be around.
Like I said kid...run like your ass was on fire. | |
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| After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:18:26 PM | OMG - you're 19.
I have a son who's nineteen.
Okay, this is what I would say to him.
Do you have a viable job? Making say at least 50k a year?
Do you love her with all your heart and soul and are you willing to be responsible for the rest of your life for this situation? ( you said , probably not.) And I don't blame you. As bad as that might make you feel for her, it's not your responsibility if you don't want it.
Yes, she's distant - she's probably freaking out as well! She's got the baby no matter who's with her unless she decides to put the child up for adpotion. Is she nineteen as well?
Son, you are probably in over your head on this one. I am impressed with the amount of worry and compassion you've spent over this.
But the plain truth is you, and she, most likely are not ready for a baby. She's going to have to turn to the boy/man who's it is. Who knows what he'll want. It's his child, assuming she knows who's it is..
He and she will take presidence over you, for the moment, as to what they think should happen.
I'm not surprised she's distant. She's most likely in shock.
Does she have a mom or dad she can turn to for advise and help? | |
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