| | If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?Page 1 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | | I need your opinions...If someone had a horrible childhood, then should they still take care of ailing parents? I ask this because my father who is a very rich man, i have just found out from my half sis/bro(whom he took well care of ie.paid for schooling, first cars etc) is addicted to painkillers and since he has various health issues, he is not doing well and it isnt known how much time he has left. I, frankly, feel since i was treated as an outcast, never recognized as his child and he never was there for me growing up(his wife/family didnt know i existed until i was 17, product of an affair). I am not religious but i do believe in loving those whom show you love. I feel bad because my whole family (whom are big bible thumpers) feel that eventhough i wasnt recognized, was treated like crap that i should still be there because its' the right thing to do, i should visit him in the hospital and give him unconditional love. My feeling is that if you can abandon your own child and why should i be there? When do we stop allowing people to get away with mistreating us and turning a blind eye? i would never do that to my own..what are your opinions? Im 26 and still dealing with those abandonment issues...but no one seems to consider that. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:30:58 AM | Well, this is a tough question. Considering you are asking it here, I would assume you are torn between getting even, and doing what you think might be the right thing to do.
Beware though, no matter which you choose, you will be vilified by one or the other of the sides... If you go, your rich daddy's kids will think you are making a play for their money... If you dont, then you will have to be at peace with that action if and when he does pass away.
If it was me, I would go visit him in the hospital once. Say that you heard hes not well, and wish him a speedy return to good health. Done, over. clean slate. He really doesnt deserve anything more than that, and you are really doing it for yourself, not him. Close the chapter and start a new book.
Not all kids without fathers have horrible childhoods either, so take care to not blame it all on an absent dad. Do what you feel is the right thing for YOU to do, not what your family thinks.. Its your life and ultimately your decision that you will have to live with, so make sure its the right one. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:37:19 AM | | well i say i had a horrible childhood, not all has to do with him.but a majority does..he came in/out as he pleased,and since i was the child i had that endless faith in him that he would do the right thing...however..his constant emotional abuse i never recognized until i was in college, when he showed the monster he really was..i will not get into what he did, but no one should ever go through it. and no child should not ever be recognized..that alone in itself is a major self esteem killer...to never know why. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:38:05 AM | It's honestly about doing the right thing. You of course are not obligated to do anything you do not want to do however, I must inform you that it very well might bring you peace in taking care of your parents if they need help.
My mother and my grandmother never got along. Constant fights and arguments. My grandmother was very cruel to my mother not only during her childhood but during her adult life. My grandmother became stricken with cancer and who was there for her? My mother. My mother took physical care of her and was with her every waking moment she could be. My mother was even there when my grandmother died at home (she was in hospice).
I once asked my mother "why did you do it?" She informed me that it gave her peace and she knew it was the right thing to do. She also stated that once my grandmother died, she was free of ever thinking she was anything like her because she did "right" by her. She stated she had to do it to prove she was not a bad person like my grandmother. They were able to talk during that period before my grandmother lost her ability to talk and hear due to the cancer and my grandmother apologized to her and informed her that she knew she was a bad mother to her and my mother forgave her. This gave my mother peace and she has no guilt whatsoever pertaining to the situation.
Because of my mother's example of mercy and forgiveness, I sometimes visit my drunk father who doesn't even know I"m his daughter and I clean his house sometimes. He honestly believes I"m just a nice lady down the street. If he was sober, he would realize I look just like him. This has given me peace and I always feel good after I leave there. This is not for everyone but it has worked obviously for my mother and I. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:38:19 AM | I work on an Extended Care...and I sometimes see this dynamic in families. It's really easy to be judgmental against the family member who doesn't wish to come to the bedside of their parent. All I can do is to remind the staff that we don't know the history behind what we are seeing played out....just be supportive where we can. Sometimes we are seeing the result of "reaping what you sow".
I agree with Deb...if you can open your heart enough for one short visit, for yourself, that might be a good thing in the long run. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:46:37 AM | oh so the chickens are comin' home to roost! they always do.
and using the bible to justify inappropriate acts while cloaking them in a false veneer of "the right thing to do" happens all the time for people who are unable to be honest with themselves, much less you, about their own motivations. so your bible-thumping family wants you to go demonstrate a lil' bedside unconditional love just because the guy is dying? if you do that, you aren't doing anybody any favors but *them*, because then it allows them to feel smugly self-satisfied about the power & glory & benevolent influence of their religion and -- more importantly -- it relieves them of the psychic burden of feeling mighty damn uncomfortable about the whole situation. see how that works? subtle, isn't it.... but it's unmitigated bullshit. of course i don't know if this is their motivation... just saying that it *might* be.
i completely understand the abandonment issues thing. if i were you, with all due consideration i would come to the well reasoned conclusion that i owe the guy diddly sqauat. unconditional love my ass. but i *might* write him a letter to explain why i never showed up in spite of the family request, and hope that he can still read it through his crusty jaundiced eyes to get the point. then i would ask the rest of my family to quit trying to manipulate me just so they can feel better (if that's what they're doing).
there is nothing wrong per se with paying him a visit... but you should do it only because YOU want to do it, not because the family wants it... and i would be sure to make that point very clear to everyone concerned.
P.S. post #16 had a very important & relevant point about forgiveness so kudos for that. this is for YOU, not him or anyone else in your family. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:47:49 AM | ^^^
to be honest carolann both. He chose to not take care of me financially as he had promised to pay for my college and 2 days before payments was due, he reneged. this was the last promise he made after so many others as a child that he reneged on..being a child, i thought he loved me no matter what and that he would change that never happened. So yes who wouldnt be upset that others were supported not only with his presensce but also financially esp if they promised it?(Especially as my father). It doesnt sit well with me that he promised his wife not to take care of me because of the affair that he did to her..yes i am envious of the love, and care that he gave to his other children and not me...Im human.All should be equal and i just wanted feedback on why i am being seen as wrong for choosing to not support someone in their final days that was never there for me nor recognized me as their own..that is all | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:54:33 AM |
I, frankly, feel since i was treated as an outcast, never recognized as his child and he never was there for me growing up(his wife/family didnt know i existed until i was 17, product of an affair). My position is, if he was not there to help raise you, or show up as a father, he is indeed not your father, and you are not obligated to do anything for this stranger.
I am a fan of being kind to people in need, but you could do that with anybody, not this particular body. M | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:54:49 AM | Great Question.. Each situation is different, and each has to make a decision thats relevant to their situation.
I know this much, once they are gone, we are stuck with the decision we make, if later we have feelings that haunt us, we can't go back and change things.
I understand you can't give an unconditional love or love if you don't feel it, and understand somewhat, though my situation was different, and though out my life I pondered on how I will handle it when it happens...but as life progressed on, I've come to better terms with it, and we have a better relation than it used to be, and I realised the things that made him that way and etc..
Being you are younger, if time was allowed to go on and him still be here, who knows how the future would be.
But, in all honesty reading about how things were, I couldn't blame you for not wanting to see him.
But, if you do visit, you don't have to be fake or give love that you don't feel, you could go once and see how it goes, then decide from there....you might hear something that you've wanted to hear or bond some with this family.
Untimately its your choice, but in time, you won't have a choice.
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:07:21 AM | I had a not so good childhood - my mom got breast cancer - it wasn't fatal but at the time I didn't know what would happen. I was torn about whether or not to care. My boss at that time sat me down and told me whatever I do make sure my actions were something I could live with in the end, not my mom.
So I got involved and did what I could. And trust me she pissed me off many times while the family went through this and made me wonder why I decided to bother more than once.
Why? To look back when I'm 60 and not regret it, mostly. You may choose differently, and you may not regret it - it's all about not regretting anything when you get older - it's unnecessary stress. To each their own. | |
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Kit28
| | Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 16 | |
| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:07:52 AM | I know this may sound hard......but you should forgive him. Forgiveness is not for the person receiving, but for the one giving. It releases all the hurt, anger, and abandonment issues. It is the most theraputic thing you can do for yourself. But you must honestly in your heart of hearts forgive him and let all that crap go. It's very liberating. And as long as you carry that heavy baggage, he's won. He will continue to make you feel insignificant as long as you give him that power. Forgiveness is taking back the power.
Go visit him. Tell him exactly what he did and how it made you feel. Then tell him you forgive him.
Trust me, you don't want him passing on and later in life regret that you did not do this for yourself. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:16:27 AM | Even I was treated so badly I will take care and give unconditional love to my ailing father and forgive and forget the past,that is for breaking the cycle of ill feelings ... The past is history,I will not have that eaten me like a cancer..I will show my father that I was properly raised by my mother, to give him loving/kindness,.
His addicted to painkiller and various health problem perhaps is due to his guilty conscience by abandoning you, it will make you a good and better person for forgiving him.. And you don't want to deal with Karma when you reach his age .....
PS I don't care of his money or world materials, what is important to me is I existed in this Earth to be a GREAT PERSON... Vannili | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:23:44 AM | OP, you are under ZERO obligation to this man. Let the kids he acknowledged take care of him. Better still, let the Bible thumpers take care of him. And tell them to mind their own business, because this is none of their concern. I'm sorry, but it takes a hell of a lot more than a single sperm to make someone a father.
You owe him NOTHING. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:27:17 AM | Question: If he didn't 'know you existed' until 17 how 'mentally & emotionally' prepared do you think he was for you to enter into his life? And, if he didn't know you existed how can he have abandoned you? How do you hold him responsible for your bad childhood growing up? Again, because he (they) didn't know you existed?
You have had 9 years to 'bond' with him - not 26 years. How much of an effort at 18 -26 did you put towards getting to 'bond' with the new family? Was it just for new clothes or other material objects? Were you running amok 'having a life' with your friends moreso than 'staying at dads house' for the weekend spending quality time with he and his wife and your 1/2 sibs? In essence: how much effort did you put into building a relationship with him?
You sound a tad bit jealous about treatment the 1/2 sibs too - and since you came out of the proverbial closet as his 'love' child, he somehow needs to shower you with love and devotion and presents ? This is how you quantify that he doesn't loves you = responsible for your bad childhood? He somehow abandoned you?
Due to past experiences of my own I have found that my Father & I don't have a really tight bond but I don't BLAME HIM for my horrible childhood. When I became a grown up (lol) I realized my Mother made every effort to keep us kids away from him and basically used scare tactics that were so heinous that we actually feared him. AT 15 she beat me and threw me out: I went to live with him & my step mother and moved out at 18 and I appreciate what they have done for me ...and I certainly don't resent them for not treating me like a princess. I witnessed her doing the same thing with my younger 1/2 sibs with their Father. ... and he literally paid for my baby brothers trip to China but was never permitted to speak or see the younger two kids. My Mother was the responsible party in the prevention of 5 kids bonding with their Fathers - and she is a "Good Mormon"
If it were me? I'd go visit him because he may have just been an 'innocent' victim of circumstance. Maybe he did the best he could over the past 9 years, and just because he didn't pay your way through life means you need to withdraw and quit caring about him or not love him. AND if you didn't do your part in fostering a strong bond over the past 9 years be prepared for the stigma of the 'greedy' vulture just waiting for pops to die so you get your share of the inheritance.
I suggest counseling to open up that blind eye you refer to:
First identify the REAL 'who' that is responsible for your bad childhood & also 'who' is responsible for NOT fostering a relationship between you and your father in your early years.
Second identify if your idea of this man who is your Father is based on love or material objects.
Third work on your abandonment issues. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:28:16 AM | As a person who has dealt with this as well, you could go see him once and just ask him point blank why has he acted this way, this way you will have answers and it will give you the closure so that when he does pass on you will know why he has acted this way. I never got a chance to ask my dad why he acted the way he did when i was growing up and always wished i had had the chance and took it while he was alive, now i will never know.
Maybe he could not acknowledge you as then the "affair" would have been known, unless you talk to him you will not know why.
good luck | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:28:47 AM | Rather than see it as an obligation, try looking at it as an opportunity to make peace with this part of your history for your own sake before he dies and then it's too late if you decide you want to deal with this issue later. Whether he deserves it or not is not the question here. The question is will you feel better by letting go of the resentment?
By taking the high road, and at least visiting him, you give him the opportunity to express any regret he may feel before it is too late, or tell you things that you might never know if you don't see him. Maybe you might even have some questions about the (biological) family tree or events of the past that you can have answered and laid to rest.
Your feelings are understandable, but it may do your own mental well-being more good to deal with this now, rather than lose the chance to deal with it. | |
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| If you had a bad childhood are you still obligated to take care of your parents in old age?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:40:04 AM | OP - you are not obligated to do anything. However, there probably aren't going to be any "do-overs" on this one...this may be your last chance. I'd go to see him, and see how that goes - simply because I would be worried about regrets later on.
The posters who say forgiveness is for YOU...they have that dead on. I was at my ex's deathbed, to support my sons while they watched their father die. I certainly wasn't there for him...he was a real SOB a lot of the time. But in the end, I held his hand for a moment, and I whispered in his ear, that the kids were ok, all of them (I made sure to mention the ones from his previous marriage)...and I told him I forgave him. I let go of all that he had done to me, all the anger. There was nothing left OP but pity. He had loved me, and that was the best he could do...how sad.
And, OP, how sad for your father...to have missed out on YOU...and all that he's going to continue to miss.
Go, just once, if you want to go again after that, that's fine, if not - that's fine too. But do it for YOU, not him, not any relatives...give yourself some peace. | |
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