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 oceancolor
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 1
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationshipsPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I remember reading an article a while back that said relationships where the woman was the first to initiate contact had a higher chance of developing into a long-term relationship, rather than when the man pursued the woman.

I don’t remember how they came to conclusion because I imagine it would be hard to quantify something like this when there are so many non-quantifiable variables, but thinking back to my past relationships, I have to agree that as a male, my relationships have lasted longer and were deeper when a woman showed interest first. I’ve done my fair share of pursuits as well, but I can’t say any of those relationships were memorable, or even lasted long.

As a tangent, could this mean that women are pickier when it comes to choosing men, whereas men are more forgiving when it comes choosing a mate? (I’m not trying to start a battle of the sexes, really:-) )

Anyway, I’m sure we would all agree that the male species does most of the pursuing when it comes to relationships. I wonder if there would be more happy couples if more women started approaching men. I’m interested in hearing how others have fared when they pursued, or were pursued by the opposite sex.
 gonewalkabout2
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 2
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 6:11:23 PM
So I should start knocking on doors and see what happens eh

The best chasing women does is to race men to madness
 onefishwilldo
Joined: 4/1/2009
Msg: 3
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 6:13:48 PM
It didn't work for me. I email three men on three different occassions and none of them responded so I stop being the first to contact. It's not like I'm fat and ugly, I think that's a sign of agressive and may be some men just don't like that. I'm in hiding now.
 Shell225
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 4
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 6:17:17 PM
Interesting idea .... have had a little think back on my past long term relationship endevours.

Now .. I am single .. so all my past relationships (both long and short term) have been doomed to failure so I dont know that Im the best qualified to answer.

I got married to a man who I let persue me


I had the most loving, fulfilling relationship with a man I showed genuine interest in from the moment we met.

I guess the quality of the relationship was better with the man I persued.
 oceancolor
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 5
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 6:25:58 PM

It didn't work for me. I email three men on three different occassions and none of them responded so I stop being the first to contact. It's not like I'm fat and ugly, I think that's a sign of agressive and may be some men just don't like that. I'm in hiding now.

Well, the article didn’t say that just because a woman initiated contact, the man would automatically jump into a relationship. SHOULD a relationship develop, it was more likely that it would last longer than if the man had initiated contact.

All this means is that you shouldn’t give up, and continue to look for your ideal guy. And if he chooses start a relationship with you, it could be everlasting. Better than several one-night stands that were initiated by the guys, no? Unless that’s what you’re looking for...:-)
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 6
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 6:28:48 PM
It makes sense when you consider that *in general* men are more visual so they're more likely to select women based on physical appreciation. It's the reason you'll read from guys here who say they've messaged hundreds of women, some of whom have profiles that are two sentences long-- they're basing virtually their entire decision on looks. We all know attraction brings people together but it's not a good foundation upon which to build a relationship.

women are pickier when it comes to choosing men, whereas men are more forgiving when it comes choosing a mate?

I'd say women tend to be pickier when it comes to selecting men based on relationship potential and less picky about looks and the opposite tends to be truer for men.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 7
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 6:57:42 PM
Alooo, I agree with you.

I'd say women tend to be pickier when it comes to selecting men based on relationship potential and less picky about looks and the opposite tends to be truer for men.


Men feel physical attraction first, then emotional attraction, then mental attraction.

Woman first look for mental chemistry, then emotional attraction, then physical attraction.

Therefor if a woman initiates contact first she has taken the time to read the profile fully to see if she finds the man interesting. Men on the other hand are more interested in how the woman looks. It amazes me the emails I receive, where the man has not even taken the time to read my profile to see if there is even a match.

From the men that I initiated contact first, it has turned out very well. I have made some good friends, had some amazing romances, and felt comfortable being with them. I used discernment. I know what I want and I am willing to wait for it. Men on the other hand, know who they want to bed, and many times that just does not work for the long term.
 oceancolor
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 8
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:02:23 PM

We all know attraction brings people together but it's not a good foundation upon which to build a relationship.

Exactly. So this just further goes to suggest that women should be the one pursuing men. Since women have a better antennae and a vested interest in making sure their partner is of quality material, let them weed out the good from the bad. With all that hard work out of the way, all the guy has to do now is decide if he likes her appearance or not. (<-- way simplified version.)
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 9
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:05:58 PM
Have you read many posts? If you had you've have a hard time coming to the conclusion that women, in general, are pickier at choosing men than men are choosing women. Most the time it's that women are gold digging bad-boy want-ers, but now we are choosy, which is it! LOL
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 10
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:12:46 PM
Oceancol0



So this just further goes to suggest that women should be the one pursuing men. Since women have a better antennae and a vested interest in making sure their partner is of quality material, let them weed out the good from the bad.


Absolutely! This works very well for "Healthy Individuals".

However on a dating site there are more unhealthy then healthy. Henceforth, they call it games, as they just don't get it..

Those are the

"women that are gold digging bad-boy want-ers"

and for the men, players, abusers, etc.
 maximusminimus
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 11
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:23:26 PM

Men feel physical attraction first, then emotional attraction, then mental attraction.

Woman first look for mental chemistry, then emotional attraction, then physical attraction.

The other way of saying this is that men know what order makes sense, and aren't absurdly inhibited from acting on the impulses that nature perfected over millions of years. Men and women experience desire, attraction and emotion in the same way. The only difference is when women have been raised with attitudes meant to inhibit their sexual activity, as is typical of various religious traditions. In the wild, women jump out of trees onto men who happen by.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 12
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:43:04 PM

men know what order makes sense


That comments states men do not understand the importance of having standards. He just follows his attraction, and doesn't learn to become more discerning about who he chooses. Sure is not a healthy plan
for finding a log term mate, just someone to bed.
 sanddallor
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 13
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:57:35 PM
I wouldn't say that women more discriminate, just a lot better at it!
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 14
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:58:43 PM

I remember reading an article a while back that said relationships where the woman was the first to initiate contact had a higher chance of developing into a long-term relationship, rather than when the man pursued the woman.

OP -- As a man, I can attest to this article as being at least somewhat valid. Of all the relationships I've had, where SHE was the pursuer...they have indeed turned into LTR's and quite successful for their own accords.

Just my $0.02.
 Warped_Humour
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 15
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 8:10:20 PM
Depends. I don't mind pursuing but I have found it really takes some men aback. Like maybe they can't fathom a chick being forward and knowing what she wants or would like to pursue.

Whatever, my picker could suck too. It kinda has so far. But I have not really been looking for love in any place lately let alone all the wrong places.

The one LTR I had that I pursued, the love was really deep. He told me he had never really put effort into a relationship before and I made him want to do better. Then again, here I am single and he married some other broad.

So shit, IDK? I just keep trying and something will happen in due time I suppose.
 maximusminimus
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 16
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 8:11:00 PM
That comments states men do not understand the importance of having standards.


Your view of men is obviously bankrupt, to assume that standards are missing or unimportant. High view of women, low view of men. Good luck with that.
 oceancolor
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 17
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 8:43:32 PM

I don't mind pursuing but I have found it really takes some men aback. Like maybe they can't fathom a chick being forward and knowing what she wants or would like to pursue.

There are different ways to show interest. It doesn’t mean that you have to do a fully fledged three-alarm pursuit by sending them e-mails and calls every day. For example, a member here put me on their favorite list. I checked out her profile and sent her a message and we had a great relationship. I was the first to send her a message, but she initiated first contact by favoriting me.
 artist_48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 18
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 8:45:30 PM
My nutshell response is that it may be true that relationships tend to bloom and last when the woman shows initial interest - IRL- but does not pursue.
It's a bit diff online because a lot of men see interest as pursuing- like a 'wink'.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 19
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 8:56:20 PM

In the wild, women jump out of trees onto men who happen by.
Well, that explains why my daughter wanted be a Forest Ranger

I don't think it makes much difference who initiates.. but, I believe that more men than not prefer to persue (be in control of the pace) if there is an attraction to the woman that initiated the interaction..
 emmmjay
Joined: 2/18/2010
Msg: 20
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 8:58:10 PM
As a tangent, could this mean that women are pickier when it comes to choosing men, whereas men are more forgiving when it comes choosing a mate?

No. Men are just as picky as women, especially when it comes to looks.

I like to pursue men, but I am a pretty proactive person. Why would I wait to be selected,when I can do the selecting? Generally, I would agree that the relationships where I did the initial pursuing were more successful.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 9:04:26 PM
^^^Exactly. It tends to work better in my case, but that's because when I sit back I tend to attract aggressive hot air blowhard men - and I just can't go there. Ick. Since I am intimidating to approach (so I'm told) the ones who dare approach me are just flat out salesmen.

So for me it works because when I make the first move the quality of men I end up talking to increases by at least 400%, which inevitably means any thing from there is almost a guaranteed improvement.

It's like I visit a candy store where I know the good stuff is in the back of the room but all the staff wants to do is move the crap candy so they keep it near the door so it sells. I usually have to trip over a lot of less than appetizing stuff to get what I want, but I'm better off finding it myself.
 CynthiaMw
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 22
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 9:04:52 PM
My experience is about even when I look at major relationships in my life.

Dont remember who initiated first conversation but I initiated pursuit/showed first interst with the first love of my life, while it ended by my choice I would still consider it a successful relationship by what we each experienced and learned.

I initiated conversation but my ex-husband initiated pursuit by making his interest clear. We lasted 24 yrs and are still friends so I still consider it a successful relationship.

Next one the fishie contacted me and pursued intensely. Lasted 8 intense months and ended just as abruptly. I wouldn't call it a success.

But, in hindsight (certainly didn't see or want to see it at the time) I had to experience him to be in the right place for the last love of my life. I initiated contact with something innocuous (complimented his profile) but he escalated by clearly stating his interest, I raised him, he raised again and then I called his bluff to find it isn't a bluff at all. So, I would say he showed the initial interest but it was so mutual from the very beginning and continues to be so.
 brandished
Joined: 9/25/2009
Msg: 23
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 9:15:43 PM

There are different ways to show interest. It doesn’t mean that you have to do a fully fledged three-alarm pursuit by sending them e-mails and calls every day. For example, a member here put me on their favorite list. I checked out her profile and sent her a message and we had a great relationship. I was the first to send her a message, but she initiated first contact by favoriting me.


I think it depends on intention?!

Why are you contacting said person is the question I ask myself when I have the gumption to say hello to someone! I'm not here to date, so perhaps what I am saying has no influence on what the op is trying to bring to light. However, I do believe that if the intention was clear during the initial contact (regardless of who was contacting who) and if both persons were upfront about where they stand in their emotional selves (at initial contact) , things between the two would be more real.

Then again, I may be dreaming!!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 24
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 9:22:00 PM
These sorts of studies or surveys are always problematical. I've studied enough of them, and enough of the processes BEHIND such studies, to know they are extremely dependent on many factors, few of which are clearly explained in what articles are written about them.
As the OP said, "it would be hard to quantify something like this when there are so many non-quantifiable variables" (excellent initial observation I thought). Add to that, the often arbitrary way in which participants of the study were selected, how they defined relationships, how they defined the LENGTH of the relationship, etc.
As far as the event, of the relationships I've been in, or directly observed, it was often very hard to tell who should be awarded the label of "the initiator." The man might have been the first to request a formal meeting, but the woman has often done a ton of ground work to pave the way for him. Does he get to be called the initiator simply because he said DATE first? How about that if you ask a long-time couple, which one of them did the initial choosing and setting of things in motion: I remember reading something way back, where they found in the group they measured, that BOTH members thought THEY made the first move...so what constitutes the first move, and when a relationship is said to have started are factors as well, which are (as the op said) not legitimately definable.
 tarotdream
Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 25
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 9:53:50 PM
Well, I Googled around but can't find the study I wanted, so you can take this on faith. Several years ago a psychological study and concluded that marriages where the women proposed to the man significantly more likely to succeed.

Opinion: It irritates me when the reasons listed IN GENERAL center on feminine attributes and actions for the success rate. But, even though men have nothing but money and the ability to lift heavy stuff to a marriage, I think it's quite possible that one of the big reasons these marriage succeed is that a man who would accept a proposal from a woman is generally more open-minded, calm and secure.
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