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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested      Home login  
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 Gypsy sole
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interestedPage 1 of 1    
Hello POF gentlemen, I come to you with a question.

I met a man on here in early February. We have met three times over two months for either a coffee or a walk, and only got to the hugging stage. He had family staying with him from out of town, and then work obligations, so our time to meet was limited.

We kept in phone and IM contact a few times a week. I really enjoyed this because it gave us an opportunity to slowly get to know each other. At our coffee dates we seemed to be able to chat for 2 hours and it would pass in the blink of an eye. There was also some sexual innuendo in our IM's, but overall, it felt like we were getting to know each other in a casual yet deeper level.

FWD to this week when we were able to meet for dinner and drinks. One thing led to another and after 7 hours of conversation and a lovely evening, we had sex.

He did text me the next day, and last night he called me and we had about 20 min of stilted conversation. I thanked him for the evening, he said he enjoyed it as well and mentioned the great conversation.

Anyhow, after we got off the phone I sent him a flirtatious text. Nothing vulgar, but he mentioned on the phone that his back was killing him, so I texted him something that if I was there in person I would have given him a backrub. No response.

So.. to my question. I don't want to be the stalker. But I am very interested in getting to know him better because we are very compatible.

How do I let him know that I am interested without appearing needy or suffocating. Do I say, "I'm having fun getting to know you... let's take it as it comes"? I can't believe that at my age I STILL don't know how to do the dating dance.

TIA for your responses.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 2
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 8:27:30 AM
I'm not one of the "gentlemen," but I'll bite.

It seems to me that everything is okay, and falling into place, so far. He seems to really be enjoying your company.

My only advice not to appear needy, is to make sure that you aren't making yourself too available. Give him chances to call, text and miss you.

Good luck to you both.
 ~Sexiest User~
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 3
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 8:38:59 AM
Hey OP,

I most agree with RushLuv


Msg: 2



lea in west tn
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 4
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 8:40:12 AM
I'm a gentleman ... I even have the card ...

Seriously, Rushluv answer sums it up. How do you show that you are into him? Well, high in my book is to have sex with him. You've covered that, and it wasn't after a first date so I doubt he will have any impressions that you are fast and thus it means nothing to him.

I fully agree with also letting the next form of communication being in his court. You mentioned the back rub. (which was a nice comment) The key is to not push it because as guys sometimes we start thinking to ourselves, "OMG ... now it is getting serious ...," and we start trying to take stock of the situation. If you come across as clingy or needy, it may drive him away. Also, most of the time the guy likes to be the hunter ... so let him hunt.

In wish the best for you too.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 5
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appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 8:52:54 AM
Just enjoy naturally, and do not over think it all, or over expect and/or demand it all.

You did text him and offered to help his back, one way or another, and that is all you need to do for now. He will text back or call soon enough, and then have your plan all ready to invite him over to your place for drinks, dinner, and an evening of enjoyment some time in the near future.

The one thing you do not want to do, is now create all these great expectations that your mind and heart conjures up and puts all the pressure on him to make it so....... There is no need to go from light and fun, to serious and pressure, all because you finally enjoyed each other sexually.

You got up this morning with a smile on your face, and he got up with a backache, so, all is good in the world of dating.......

Enjoy your thoughts, and let nature take its course!!

cd.......
 Gypsy sole
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 6
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 8:59:21 AM
Thank you for your responses. One of my life struggles is to let things happen naturally and slowly. I have a need to know how the story ends before I open the book to the first chapter. Perhaps it's an anxiety issue, but I just can't seem to shake a feeling of doom... that this too, that first started out so promising is going to tank before it has a chance to get off the ground.

I'm trying to learn from my mistakes, and I've literally had to sit on my hands so I didn't text him, and leave my phone at home and get out and enjoy my life. I also have really good intuition, so when I feel insecure, there's generally a reason behind it.
 Tomahawk52
Joined: 1/31/2010
Msg: 7
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appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 9:20:46 AM
Gypsy,
Just relax and let things develop. He will call you at some point in time. Might be tomorrow, or a few days. Depends on how busy he is.

But I'd say you're doing pretty well - I mean, 7 HOURS OF CONVERSATION? HOLY CRAP that's astounding.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 8
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 9:25:25 AM
I think if the guy is willing to have 7 hours of conversation with you that at this point you will not be 'needy' in his eyes.

otherwise he would not have listened to you for so long already....


he would have already been like "go away"
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 9
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appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 9:45:30 AM
He most likely did not perceive your comment as something for him to be concerned with.

Just wait a few days waiting for him to respond to you and if does not, CALL him and ask him how he's doing. You have surpassed the texting phase with him specially since you need a good feeling of how he now feels towards you. But in the end, all you need to do is do what you feel is best; just trust yourself :)
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 10
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appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 10:05:16 AM
first off, as is so often the answer is around here, don't load up text messages with so much emotional freight. they are an inferior means of communication. they can go awry and get lost and not show up for a couple days. also, he may not be one of those people with the phone surgically attached to his body. maybe he didn't hear the beep and hasn't noticed the little indicator. see how texts can create unnecessary drama?

also, look at the communication pattern you'd already established: contact every few days. you had a phone call last night, so if there's no communication for a few days, that's consistent. could it be you're expecting everything to change now that you've had sex, including pace of communication? beware of assumptions and expectations, especially when they're this specific.

you admit you tend to fear the unknown. it sounds like that's the biggest issue here. try to keep that in check lest you sabotage something that looks like it's happening just as you want it to.
 wyndowlycker
Joined: 3/9/2010
Msg: 11
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 10:52:35 AM
Why can't you just come up with a date and then ask him out?
Something crazy and weird like "Hey, I was going to do (x), does that sound like something you want to do?"

Rather than simply playing games on the phone why not try to get together again?
IME the killer of a lot of burgeoning relationships is after the sex it's all of a sudden people withdraw into their shells, wonder what the other person is thinking and feeling, and then snipe at each other with emails, and phone calls, just wanting to talk forever around a subject without ever bringing it up, waiting for the other person to make a "move" so they can figure out what they are "supposed" to do.
They don't want to address anything directly, and they don't do things together for a while.
They just hide behind technology and pretend everything is okay via chatting.


Do I say, "I'm having fun getting to know you... let's take it as it comes"?

IMO no, because what it seems to "really" be asking is "what are the boundaries to the relationship, what are you thinking, what are you feeling, what do you want from me, are you going to live up to my stereotypes, did I do something wrong, tell me what I am supposed to do, I am not making demands on you, tell me what to do."
Just ask him to a movie, or dinner, or dancing, something you would normally do, something where it's just the two of you.


I can't believe that at my age I STILL don't know how to do the dating dance.

At my age I still don't understand why people feel they have to be someone else when it's "dating" like it's a special event or a funeral you have to wear your best clothes and be nice to everyone and walk on eggshells. That there are standards and expectations of behavior you have to live up to rather than simply be your normal self.
 Gypsy sole
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 12
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 12:26:37 PM
I know right? Breathe. Davidpiano is right; maybe I'm expecting that since we've had sex that the patterns of communication should change. From what I know of him, he is not a one night stand type of guy.

Someone once said, "You know a woman is interested when she decides to sleep with a man. You don't know if the man is interested until the next day."

I've decided to leave it for a day or three, and if I haven't heard from him, I'll CALL him and ask if he wants to do something. I know he has family in town again from the 6th-9th so I'm not going to get all bent out of shape if i don't hear from him too often.

Thanks again.
 midlandtom
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 13
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appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 12:51:59 PM
What I find out strange on his part is not that he slept with you or didn't reply yoiur text right away. I understand his work commitments and family in tawn but could he go beyond those coffee dates? I mean dinners, some other activities. I guess he is just not coming across as someone who is really interested. Otherwise, I guess he would be investing more time.
 MikeAkaJB
Joined: 10/7/2008
Msg: 14
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 12:55:44 PM
This is why most people generally get to know someone better before having sex with them. I mean I know 7 hour conversation feels tempting that you now know the person, comfortable enough, and all that. However, it probably actually would have been best if it was like one of those hot and heavy and then like look I don't want to mess up what we might have by rushing in to fast. I mean you have seen the guy what 4 times.. and the 4th time was the let's have sex date? so he's already batting like 0.250 .

Sex does change things such as expectations and all. I think you should give it a week or 2 given that you rarely see each other, he has "family" in town, and I'm assuming long distance? I would say just don't think you are in a relationship. Having sex doesn't automatically mean you two are an item even though you might think that. For right now you can probably assume you two are just two people who happen to have a great night and whatever comes from that if anything will.

What you see as flirting might be to him oh crap she thinks we are a couple.. don't know the guy but a sure way to push him away is to assume you are in a relationship and start acting "weird" as if you are in one. I would try and go back to talking like before you two had sex... just don't talk like the sex thing was a mistake cause that could be a turn off as well but bringing it up constantly could be annoying as well
 Elgalawaat
Joined: 11/24/2008
Msg: 15
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appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 1:10:34 PM
Try to be cool a little and don't appear to be easy. Wait for him to make the move. If he interested he will act on his interest. As they say Play hard to get. Men we are a creature that gets very interested in what is difficult to have and persist in chasing our interest. We might be good or we might be bad but that is nature. When the woman says "No" she becomes very attractive and must have.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 16
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 2:17:12 PM

How do I let him know that I am interested without appearing needy or suffocating. Do I say, "I'm having fun getting to know you... let's take it as it comes"? I can't believe that at my age I STILL don't know how to do the dating dance.



He's knows you are interested already, all you can do reach out and either you will be rebuffed or accepted, good luck.
 belikan
Joined: 1/28/2007
Msg: 17
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 2:18:53 PM
i agree with most of the posters. keep it cool. let him call you now. you've mentioned the back rub -- the ball is in his court. dont be too easy to catch. perhaps next time he calls and sets up a date just tell him you've already made plans but would love to do something with him on (set a specific date so he knows you are interested just not too available).

give him a chance to miss you. let him pursue you.

plus dont put any expectations on him just because you had sex with him as he might run.

i wish you all the best and good luck!
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 18
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appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 7:00:40 PM
That was just one incident, before you get all worried there could be a lot of reasons for a no response. Just go with the flow and if you keep getting no response and there does seem to be an issue, talk to him. It sounds like everything is going well.

If things don't go well kick his azz to the curb a nd move on...
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 19
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/3/2010 9:21:19 PM
Hmm I dont like the sound of it. You slept with him and he's being cool.

I don't play the hot and cold game. If you warm me up and then let me cool down, I tend to stay pretty frosty.

He needs to show some interest pronto before the fire burns out, imo.

Personally, I don't reheat leftovers.

Your relationship, your decision.
 WigglingFish
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 20
appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested
Posted: 4/4/2010 4:02:14 AM
Just enjoy it for what it is and don't put pressure on yourself and him if its meant to be it will. Don't think about doom, think positively because if you do think negatively it will make you want to push it, push for answers and then you will push him away. Good/positive thought=Good/positive actions.

I also wouldn't bombard him with texts and asking him what he 's up to, if he wants to tell you he will.
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > appearing needy vs. letting him know that you are interested