| | Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | Hi im dating a guy at the moment we had our 3rd date at the weekend. Problem is when we meet he hugs me but he doesnt hold my hand or give me any affection until i go to hold his hand after that he seems to be fine. He told me thats hes quite shy and always was at school what worries me that he may think im coming on too fast by holding his hand etc, and i dont think hes comfortable with too much affection in public which is understandable. He didnt kiss me much last date he just gave me two short kisses on the lips but yet he kept sroaking my hand while we were waiting for the train. I just want to ask people guys especially what they can suggest as i dont want to put him off by doing something he doesnt feel comfortable with. He did text me yesterday and he seemed fine im just worried he doesnt feel the chemistry any more and doesnt want to hurt my feelings. Should i still hold his hand as normal when we go out or leave it up to him? | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/5/2010 6:58:25 AM | Might be that 'quite shy' means he isn't likely to initiate it but loves it when you do. I'd go on holding his hand as normal. He seems to be leaving it there and if people don't like it, they find excuses to use their hand and not return it to yours. That doesn't seem to be what's happening here.
Mostly, I'd say: Be who you are and trust you'll figure it out as time goes on. When in doubt, ask him. That's all part of the 'getting to know you' part of dating. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/5/2010 8:58:00 AM | I dated a guy like this OP. He would never initiate anything so if I didn't, it just didn't happen. It became very uncomfortable for me as I'm a contact person. I felt like I was always pushing myself on him (and I'm just talking holding hands, hugs, sitting close.) As much as I liked him, it just ruined the whole thing for me.
Decide what your needs are and act accordingly. If his reaction is favorable, then you might have a good shot. If your needs don't match, odds are he's not going to change. Good luck. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/5/2010 9:01:53 AM |
Should i still hold his hand as normal when we go out or leave it up to him?
If it's normal for you, then IMO yes.
But I would not expect him to ever change or be comfortable with it.
And if you do too much and too often (according to his preferences) of what he isn't comfortable with you are going to drive him away because it will imply you want him to change, to be what you want (such as if you are slowly increasing the personal displays of affection because you need the response). Or at the very least he will interpret it that way, and IMO justified to do so, to rationalize ending the relationship.
It's only been 3 dates, he might be fearing that you aren't really interested in him, just him as an extension of you. Someone to go out with you, to coddle you, for you to present to the world your status and social position. Kind of like "hey! Look what I got!" Like people that buy a new car and constantly wipe it down. No one wants to be used as the pretty new car of someone else.
The only way to really figure out a happy medium is to communicate with him, learn about him, pay attention to who he is, pay attention to his body language when you grab his hand...assuming you know who you are and what you will do, what you will see, what you will expect, etc. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/5/2010 9:02:59 AM | | I like being direct and knowing what they want. I, personally, would tell him that I like open displays of affection and that I'm tactile. Ask him about his comfort with displaying affection in public- if he's good with your open affection, and roll with it. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/5/2010 10:25:08 AM | | This is just one of those things that you either have to deal with and let things be as they'll be, or talk directly to him and let him know where your preferences lie. I'm not a PDA person at all, it's just not my thing. But I've had girlfriends before who've felt the need to talk to me about it and state that they prefer it. I wouldn't have known otherwise, men aren't mind readers. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/5/2010 12:03:13 PM | | windowlicker i understand what you mean but i feel its too early to talk about the fact i like lots of affection i might scare him i just need to know he feels the same as i do but he wont say as its too early, he does give me affection once i make the move but like you said im worried if i keep making the first move he will think im too pushy and end it so i need from him if hes comfortable with me doing the things i do | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/5/2010 2:01:01 PM | ^^ Does he pull away? If he doesn't, odds are it is ok.
People don't generally suffer in uncomfortable silence, if nothing else, their body language screams discomfort.
If they do not want you to hold their hand, they will find an excuse for why they need to use their hand, take it out of yours and not return it.
If you are not yet comfortable discussing it, pay attention to his body language.
You say he is affectionate once you initiate it. That seems to tell me he IS comfortable with the level of affection you are showing. It sounds like he is relieved or comfortabe that you are initiating it.
Shy people are often not comfortable initiating but that does not mean they do not enjoy affection.
It is good you don't mind initiating; that is often where the disconnect occurs with two people waiting for the other to initiate. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/5/2010 2:26:49 PM |
Should i still hold his hand as normal when we go out or leave it up to him?
I don't think it's much of a problem, he reciprocates when you initiate the contact. I think it would be a problem if he jerked away. Personally, I was never a big fan of it but I reciprocated regardless. good luck. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/6/2010 12:51:50 AM | @ date THREE?!? you are not on the same level of affection,
At date three I am still getting to decide if I like you and you have yet to pass the background check.
By the END of date three before date FOUR your report should be back and I will feel better for that next weekend, or will know that there WONT be a next weekend
Very few girls are getting to polish the hood of the 4-4-2 out in the back lot. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/6/2010 10:32:20 AM | thats way too soon for public displays of affection.
tell him you understand that its a little early yet to hold hands in public, and ask if he is the type that does like it?
if he says no, not in public, then access how happy you are with him otherwise. if he is affectionate at home and you are happy with him, then accept him for his "shyness" and be grateful you found a good guy. you can't have everything. its about being grateful as long as your needs are met. good luck! | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/6/2010 5:30:43 PM |
windowlicker i understand what you mean but i feel its too early to talk about the fact i like lots of affection i might scare him i just need to know he feels the same as i do
That makes sense to you?
You are comfortable enough in the relationship to get physical with him, but not comfortable enough in the relationship to talk to him in order to tell him about yourself so he gets to know who you are?
What do you think is more likely to scare someone off?
Someone that wants a mind reader and is more scared of losing someone than expressing desire for someone, or someone that is open and able to communicate who they are?
Someone that needs and constantly pules for a guarantee of success and lack of any risk before doing anything, or someone that accepts their own risk and takes responsibility for their own behavior? | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/6/2010 11:25:15 PM | This isn't a big deal, don't let it get to you. Just take it as it comes.
You're obviously doing something right. All your threads are about actual dates. I think you should be giving tips, if anything! Many quite appealing women have trouble getting a date in the first place. You don't. So trust your instincts, and act accordingly. You're doing really well in all this. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/7/2010 3:20:18 AM | I would never insist on holding anyone's hand who was not
comfortible with it. I would let him take the lead with all that.
Hard to imagine a man not wanting to touch physically.
Nothing could be as bad as trying repeatedly to hold some guy's
hand in public and each time you take his hand he pulls it away,
over and over again. LOL saw that on The Family Guy. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/7/2010 1:01:17 PM | | he probably broke up with you because you come across as too clingy, just by what ive read from your post you come across as clingy and most guys dont like clingy women unless you look like Angelina Jolie and even that wears out after a while. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 4/7/2010 1:01:49 PM | When you're on a 3rd date, you can't -expect- PDA. It's the "P", as in public, that many people don't like. If it's kissing in public, and it's a sober-time-of-day, you're basically saying to the public you're a couple. Imagine someone who has a lot of 1-3 dates... and on the 2nd date they bring them to their favorite hang-out bar for a few drinks near the end of the date. Say they have a 2nd date with a different gal 4 times in two months. Over two months, the people who frequent the bar that he knows is seeing him like that. They'll assume he's sleeping with each one, when it may just be "I'm attracted, I'm kissing".
If you're going to kiss in a public place close in your home area, you're basically saying "Yeah, and see what we do BEHIND closed doors". I believe you shouldn't be doing that unless you want to make a statement for the public. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 6/17/2010 5:58:43 AM | | hi i couldnt post a thread on here as it would let me. Basically ive been dating a guy for 2 weeks now our 2nd date was yesterday trouble is he doesnt show me any affection all he does is give me a hug at the end of the meet. I was thinking of texting him and saying that i enjoy spending time with him and that i would like us to cotinue dating and see how things go. Thing is i dont want to come across as too keen and scare him my friend and my aunt said that he may just want to take things slow that not all guys show affection straight away. He saw a friend yesterday and told him im a friend visiting for the day thats why im worried thats all it is can i have some advice please thanks | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 6/17/2010 7:08:15 AM | Ladies and their PDA...
If you really like/need to hold hands and kiss in public, talk about it with the guy in private first. Guage where he's at and go from there. Most guys will accomodate you a little, but they're not going to do a 180 on this. Some are cool with it, but most are only cool with a little here and there, not a constant touch and slobber fest while you walk down a busy street. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 6/17/2010 12:02:30 PM |
Hi im dating a guy at the moment we had our 3rd date at the weekend. Problem is when we meet he hugs me but he doesnt hold my hand or give me any affection until i go to hold his hand after that he seems to be fine. He told me thats hes quite shy and always was at school what worries me that he may think im coming on too fast by holding his hand etc
I'm not much of a PDA person either.. but 3rd date holding hands IMO is way too soon. It seemstoo clingy / showy.
Get to know the guy a little more. Find out where the "PDA line" is before you cross it and embarass you and him both...
Some guys love it.. some guys not so much.
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hyoid
| | Joined: 5/12/2009
Msg: 24 | |
| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 6/17/2010 2:00:21 PM |
Thing is i dont want to come across as too keen
You don't want to came across as too keen even though you're bonkers over him.
He saw a friend yesterday and told him im a friend visiting for the day thats why im worried thats all it is
Why would you hope to be viewed as more than a friend-You've only been on TWO dates?
You have a penchant for committing to a relationship before you have any reasonable expectation for one. A couple of weeks, a couple of dates.
Stop trying to force the issue. Accept the dating process for what it is.
The issue of PDAs is clearly important to you. When you first meet a guy, make sure you tell him how important. Then, when you finally meet someone who falls for you the way you fell for him, he'll be clear on how to procede. | |
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| Dating a guy who is quite shy with affection in public and im not
Posted: 6/17/2010 3:25:43 PM | I'm curious, you spend so much time worrying over if some complete stranger is exhibiting all of the preconceived signs that you have listed in your head that must mean this or that and worrying about if you will scare a man way - when do you actually get to know the other person or decide if you even like them? Will just anyone who smiles in your direction and meets for a drink do?
Read through your history. It's pretty much the same story over and over again. You meet some guy, look for all of these signs that must mean he is interested, worry about scaring him away - and within a few dates/weeks he discontinues the association and you are hurt and baffled as to what happened.
My advice would be to relax. Stop thinking that the first date is the beginning of some life long, magical romance and see it for what it is: two complete strangers taking a bit of time to get together. It is incredibly unlikely that you have any genuine, real or true emotion or affection for these men you meet. When you treat people as interchangeable - they always know it. If just any man will do then no man will want you unless they are of the exact same mindset of just any woman will do to have a relationship with.
You seem like a lovely woman who is desperate for a relationship. That desperation will kill any potential of romance with most men you will meet. That desperation says to them that you don't care about them as a person, don't want to take the time to get to know them as a person and that there is nothing about them personally that you want or need - you just want a boyfriend. You know how you want to feel special to someone else? Well, so do these men and someone who just wants a partner.. any partner.. well, there is nothing special about that. | |
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