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| | Dating and living with a sicknessPage 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | Hi, I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm 42 yr old male living with Fibro-Myalgia. It's a condition that affects the central nervous system.
I find dating difficult simply cause not many want a man who is living with a chronic
illness. Hence why my profile says "friends". Not friends with benefits, not an activity partner, nor am I marrying material LOL.
But anyway wanted to know how many of you out there encounter dating woes due to
your illness? Men and women would have different view I'm sure.
Thank You | |
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| Dating and living with a sickness
Posted: 4/5/2010 11:10:12 AM | I'm sorry for your condition, OP. I don't know much about fibromyalgia, but anyone with a chronic condition certainly has my sympathy.
Here's what I've learned about dating and illness -- people are terrified of what they don't understand. And some people actually think they're going to be afflicted with the same thing if they're around someone who's sick.
I have kind of a different situation. I had a liver transplant 6 years ago. I dread telling anyone I meet about it and generally won't unless I'm pushed (usually because I don't drink alcohol). And once I tell them, they're usually gone within 24 hours -- even though I'm perfectly healthy now.
Maybe you should not mention the fibromyalgia up front. I know that seems a little deceitful, but really, do they need to know that right away?
Good luck. | |
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| Dating and living with a sickness
Posted: 4/5/2010 11:12:08 AM | ^^^^Good point about fearing what they don't know but also, I think holding off on telling someone can backfire big time. Don't put it on the profile but certainly by the 2nd or 3rd date it should be brought up within the context of the limitations or challenges it might place on your life. I think it is also incumbent on you to bring it up if a conversation touches on this issue and the person would be likely to wonder why you did wait to spring it on them.
If I were on the receiving end, what would also be important is whether you are taking care of yourself, doing things with diet, rest, exercise or whatever helps in positive management of the condition versus someone that ignores things and will likely experience a greater decline in health than someone that is more proactive about treatment. My ex was diagnosed with diabetes a couple of years ago. He works crazy hours. Because that compromises sleep he should be doing more with diet and exercise to manage his condition and he does not. He routinely doesn't eat until the afternoon and has opted to stay an extra day out of town before, purely personal, when he didn't have insulin with him.
I don't have personal experience because I do not have the condition but I have several friends that do. One of them has dated and/or been in relationships with several different men over a period of years and I do not recall her commenting that the fybro affected the dating at all, in her case, there were incompatibilities that were discovered and she stopped seeing them.
Another friend is married, mother of two grown kids, with two grandchildren and she appears to lead a fairly normal life. I know they both have various challenges related to the condition but I also wouldn't think it impossible to find someone to date as my friend's situation bears out. Have you considered looking at some of the fybro sites to see if they have any information in that area? | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 11:40:13 AM | The biggest challenge you face is dealing with the current stigma associated to Fibro-Myalgia.
For those who are not aware of the disorder, many currently believe it is one of those "all in your head" diagnosis for someone who is uninterested in achieving a life goals. They are viewed upon as lazy and unreliable. When they experience good days it appears as though they can do anything, but on bad days they can barely get out of bed. Hence the stigma and why so many people do not understand the disease.
Fibro-Myalgia is similar in what MS can cause in that there are good days and there are bad days. For MS of course the good and the bad can go on for weeks or months, not so sure about the Fibro-Myalgia.
Dating can be difficult depending on the level or degree in which you suffer. I agree in that this is something to be shared only when and if there is a connection between you and someone. Allow them to get to know the person you are first before they learn about your Fibro-Myalgia. This way the stigma will be harder to buy into, if you are indeed an ambitious person when you are feeling well!
But never allow anything to hold you back from your dreams. If you dream of sharing your life with someone then you deserve and have the right to go for it! It will just take finding the right person is all. Heck we all struggle with that with or without an illness.
Best wishes | |
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| Dating and living with a sickness
Posted: 4/5/2010 11:41:32 AM | For the most part, it hasn't been a problem for me. But I do put it in my profile, so that anyone I meet via online can just skip it if it's an issue for them. And I think that men in general (being very general) are more accepting of this kind of thing than women are.
However, you have some other oft-noted deal-breakers in your profile that I suspect may be causing more difficulty than the fibromyalgia, regardless of where you first meet a dating prospect. | |
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| Dating and living with a sickness
Posted: 4/5/2010 12:49:32 PM | | I don't have any illnesses, but I certainly hope by God's help you will be able to eventually overcome yours. | |
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| Dating and living with a sickness
Posted: 4/5/2010 1:50:10 PM | Thanx for the replies.
I agree, telling them out front is my approach. It comes up in conversation right
away with all dates or potentials. You know the Q "What do you do for a living?"
Is one of the 1st questions I get asked. Due to my illness I don't work, but i also haven't allowed the fibro stop me from pursuing my dreams, even if those dreams don't make sense to anyone else.
I have 2 females friends with fibro and they have no problems dating, then again their gorgeous, that always helps LOL
Un-employed sick male who smokes weed to help him deal with things doesn't sound appealing to anyone. I'm a very straight forward type, and I usually expect the same. When
a date suddenly becomes "too busy" after seemingly being interested, bells and whistles go off and I know why, but I pester for an explanation from them, head games isn't something I have patience for, honesty, (no matter how much you may think it may hurt me, or you don't want to feel shallow or whatever), is something I give and want in return.
Too much? I don't think so. But after being explained by, umm I wont give #s LOL. That my illness will only get in the way of the things "they" want in life, I can take it. Just be damn honest. The other way hurts more and is very frustrating for those battling with fibro. Little stress to normal people is little, to fibro suffers, it's life threatening. LOL
"However, you have some other oft-noted deal-breakers in your profile that I suspect may be causing more difficulty than the fibromyalgia, regardless of where you first meet a dating prospect."
Hell if you want to point out all my faults and or problems with my profile we can be chatting for years lol | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 2:03:39 PM |
Hell if you want to point out all my faults and or problems with my profile we can be chatting for years lol
Hee! Yeah, let's skip that. I'm just saying you may be blaming the wrong thing. Given that you're up-front about it, when the fibro is really a big sticking point, they just won't date you in the first place.
But it's an easy out, and that's probably why it's what you hear when you pester people on the subject of "why NOT"... which is a really bad idea. It's annoying to them and it's very unlikely to net you the truth. They're just going to tell you whatever they think will shut you up. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 2:08:13 PM | yeah your profile makes it look like you are set in your ways. can't you be more open to experiencing life with a new person? online gambling 40 hours a week?
yesterday at a party i spent some time speaking with a woman with the same condition as you and how she gets on with her life and copes. she's great, good attitude. want me to tell her about you? its long distance of course. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 2:15:19 PM | I dated a woman for a while who has a disability. It took some getting used to, seeing someone who has a totally different life style than what I'm used to. I like being active and going places and doing things, and she has very limited mobility. But we compromised and did activities that we were both OK with. It didn't work out mostly because our personalities didn't match, and there wasn't that infamous "Chemistry" thing, but we're still friends and get together occasionally.
She made an interesting comment that made me wonder if other people with disabilities had the same view. She said that she would not date anyone else who had a disability because she wants someone who can do things for her that she isn't able to, and she would have trouble dealing with two disabilities-hers and the guy's. OP, just out of curiosity, would you date someone who has a disability? | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 2:28:42 PM | I'll see your Fibro-Myalgia and raise you MS!
Yes I have MS (which is why I ended up getting separated) but, the first step in wanting to meet others is to first be comfortable with it and see yourself for who YOU are and NOT your disease. There is a HUGE difference between the two since if you see yourself as your disease first then yourself second, you will be a sick, crippled, vulnerable, helpless person you have allowed your disease to make of you. But, you can choose to be who you are, the fun loving guy others may very well like to spend time with, while respecting the limitations of your disease.
So when you meet someone, get to know them and when it feels right for you, tell them of your disease. Hopefully by that time, they will see you for who YOU are! | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 2:49:41 PM |
But anyway wanted to know how many of you out there encounter dating woes due to
your illness
I wouldnt say i have encountered dating woes. I have just pretty much quit dating. My illness came on suddenly, Drs. cant diagnose it. Between the severe mobility issues i have and the constant fear that im never gonna walk right again, i wouldnt even consider dating right now. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 3:00:30 PM | I have that according to my doctor. I didn't know I had anything wrong.
That condition certainly does not stop people from dating or marrying.
I have a friend who has it and she got married recently. She is on
permanent disability from it so I guess hers is pretty bad.
Please don't use any kind of illness as an excuse to avoid anything.
Having a relationship isn't just for the physically perfect.
We all have something wrong with us. You are old enough to know that. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 3:21:49 PM | I also am hearing that you are mixing your disease concerns up with everything else that's involved with making a good relationship work.
Perhaps the reason why you do not consider yourself "marrying material " is because you have made that choice FOR the woman, I don't know.
Your other paosts and your profile make it fairly clear you are indeed so set in your choices of what to do with your time, that the number of POSSIBLE mates has been dramtically reduced, way before the Fibro even comes into the picture. This post you've launched here is self-contradictory, since at the same time as you say you are here for "friends only," you still fully intend to nag anyone you get involved with who wants to move on, for explanations as to why. Seems you haven't made up your OWN mind about what you want, either from others, or from yourself.
It's very common for people with labelable ailments as potentially debilitating as yours, to choose to let the ailment run their lives, so that they don't have to try, and risk a sense of personal failure. I myself had to figure out that my own chemically induced tendency to depression was ALSO something I was using to do exactly that, telling myself that the defect I couldn't overcome was why I was alone, and not anything that was actually my fault. Once I figured out that I was actually ENJOYING being depressed, for the sense of safety from selfcriticism it gave me, it both ruined the fun, and opened up the possibility that I might actually be able to find a wonderful lifetime companion out there. You remind me of myself in that respect, especially since you've gone as far as to use your disease as an excuse to smoke pot when you want, not try to work, and not to make any effort to make room in this idylic life of yours for anyone unwilling to cater to it. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 3:30:55 PM | First I think you should be talking to your doctor about treatment options for your Fibromyalgia. Smoking dope is definitely a turn off for a lot of people(it definitely is for me). I know there are other options out there.
it is noble that your upfront about it as that is part of getting to know someone. But I think you have to stop letting that be an excuse for putting yourself out there, if your really wanting to find someone, that is. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 3:47:08 PM | "OP, just out of curiosity, would you date someone who has a disability"
I lived with one for 2yrs. I also am interested in one who has FM also. She's one of those
friends I mentioned earlier.
dreamcatcher, I hear what you're saying, I stopped dating for 8 yrs. I have been diagnosed only 4 months ago, and only now can bring myself to try and meet someone to at least get me out of this house and go fishing from time to time. Now that I understand I'm not crazy and there is a reason why I have unexplained symptoms, I'm ready.
"online gambling 40 hours a week"
Yup, actually a lot more now. it has become a way for me to supplement my income.
Good for those who can barely climb a set of stairs without having the feeling of passing out.
Fibro sufferers all suffer different symptoms, some mild, some severe. Some can hike, some can't, some can still do math, some can't. Simple things in life becomes a challenge.
Physically and mentally I am challenged on a daily basis. And I fight it to death every day. Poker keeps my mind busy. Some are blessed and are capable of working, some found a way to earn income at home. I found mine.
I spent many long hours learning how to fix PCs and became quite good at it. Had the intentions of running small home based business. That crapped, people are too cheap. LOL
Back to poker, anyone who thinks spending long hours in front of a PC battling wits for hundreds of dollars a day is easy or lazy or whatever, try it. You work 40 hrs go home. Business owners don't have that luxury, after the 40 hrs, there is still a lot of work to be done, poker is like any business, starting capital gets depleted, business/career is bankrupt. Work/play 40 hrs, read 10hrs and reviewing hand is time limitless.
I watch TV less then 5hrs a week. My mind needs to be fed input and knowledge on a daily basis, can't read books past 3 pages without having to reread 4 times to only forget the book anyhow. Fall asleep past 4 pages is standard LOL. Poker, you NEED to reread, and plus it's at my desk, I don't lie down and read and fall asleep with the book slapping me in the face. And I love to read, reading over TV anytime.
Online poker 40hrs a week? Nope, a lot more. And I will never give it up. My career my dream.
P.S Any online female poker players out there? I love yous all. MUAH
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Posted: 4/5/2010 3:56:22 PM | | I would have no problems dating a person with an illness as long as they didn't let that illness define who they are as a person. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 3:59:29 PM | "number of POSSIBLE mates has been dramtically reduced"
that's the entire point, some will date anyone, I used to, after set # of dates, don't bother me if you don't like the profile, that's the point.
If that profile is there for 20 yrs, so be it. Not looking for the next mrs 4now.
My next one will be my last one, she gets by the profile, she won't past the interview anyhow. HA joke!!! Get by profile, talk, get to know one, isn't that how it works?
Am I to profile myself as someone else to attract more? No. The ones who reply to me are ones who like poker, computers, are blunt and smoke blunts, my type, profile is working. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 4:06:22 PM | But anyway, thanks for all who replied, and the advice from all of you was much appreciated, nice to just get things written and knowing there's great people out there who with just 1 minute of their time, reply, can bring that hope and reality back home to someone who needed it. Bloody cheaper then therapy. LOL
Again, thanks, all of you.
She's out there. | |
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Savona
| | Joined: 11/22/2009
Msg: 20 | |
| Dating and living with a sickness
Posted: 4/5/2010 6:34:53 PM | OP wrote:
Back to poker, anyone who thinks spending long hours in front of a PC battling wits for hundreds of dollars a day is easy or lazy or whatever, try it. You work 40 hrs go home. Business owners don't have that luxury, after the 40 hrs, there is still a lot of work to be done, poker is like any business, starting capital gets depleted, business/career is bankrupt. Work/play 40 hrs, read 10hrs and reviewing hand is time limitless.
I watch TV less then 5hrs a week. My mind needs to be fed input and knowledge on a daily basis, can't read books past 3 pages without having to reread 4 times to only forget the book anyhow. Fall asleep past 4 pages is standard LOL. Poker, you NEED to reread, and plus it's at my desk, I don't lie down and read and fall asleep with the book slapping me in the face. And I love to read, reading over TV anytime.
Online poker 40hrs a week? Nope, a lot more. And I will never give it up. My career my dream.
Well OP that pretty much says it all.
I actually know people who work from home as you described here but instead of playing pocker they are actually getting a pay cheque.
So to each their own.
I am very active and someone who can't or won't leave the house, computer, spending all his pocker money on weed would not be attractive to me.
I doubt we would get to the discussion of FM, but if we got that far and I chose not to date you anymore and you kept calling me and asking why ??? I would just say what you want to hear, no it's not you it's me, because I am shallow and don't like to date a man with FM. Easy way out ... take the blame and get to move on without anymore calls.
Nagging .... sheesh.
I did think that sounded pretty funny though, your discription trying to read a book. Picturing you would have been much easier if I was a puffer.
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Posted: 4/5/2010 7:26:49 PM | I have friends who have the same thing and some of them work--it is hard I agree but one lady is determined to make a go of it. She has a son that she has to take care of...
I think, and this is just me, that SOMETIMES we allow our ________ to define us way too hard. Be it that I have MS, fibromyalgia, fat, skinny, bald, whatever, allowing one word or one THING to define the whole sum of who we are is an utter waste of time. There's no one out here who's perfect, and if they think they are then they're deluded anyway! You seem to be allowing your FM to define you--and yes, you do seem kind of set in your ways about life. As another poster said, aren't you open to other possibilities? Regardless of what that possibility is...aren't you willing to not have such definite, set thinking?
And honestly, why CAN'T you date? If you think you're undateable, then well, I guess you are. There are folks out here who are in wheelchairs and the like and they date, marry, have kids...they LIVE. If someone thinks that they're unworthy of finding true love and a partner then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Then they come back and biatch and moan that they're alone (almost you...not quite).
I understand that you feel online poker is all you've got as far as a job...but really? Or is it that you've chosen that path because of ............?
When do you go outside? Even if your fibro is advanced, SURELY there are times when you go out and do things?? I remember a guy who was kind of interesting and interested who had MS (he lived too far away, let me say that). He didn't let that stop him from traveling, dating, hell, sex! He said when it was bad he'd get out his scooter and do his thing. We got to be closer since we both agreed that the distance was too much to make a go out of anything and I honestly admired him for being real enough to know that not every woman would be interested, but that wasn't going to deter him from finding the one for him. As far as I know he did just that.
My challenge to you would be what do YOU to make yourself more marketable? Or, what can you do? If you really want to date and you want more than a friend (you say that you don't but honestly...you do...just like the rest of us!), what are you doing to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex? Or are you just sitting at home, playing poker, thinking that someone is gonna run across your profile and "think ohhhhhhhhhh....gotta get me some of that!"??? Even the best looking, able bodied folks would tell you that shyt doesn't happen.
So tell me OP...why do you think a woman should even consider being your friend? What, beyond a reliable weed dealer (smile), do you bring to the dating table? And don't say that you're not dating material...everyone can be if they choose to be.
AFL. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 8:05:34 PM | OP it sounds to me like smoking dope and online gambling are your priorities.
If so, you should have that in your profile. I haven't read your profile so I don't know if you have it there or not. You come across as "I'm a blunt smoker; like it or lump it"
It also sounds to me like your really not serious at all about finding anybody. It sounds to me like your online gambling and dope are the most important things in your life.
You cannot expect everyone to accept that you smoke dope. Sure, there are people who will but you will find the majority will not. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 8:43:58 PM |
I find dating difficult simply cause not many want a man who is living with a chronic
illness.
I would have more issues with the smoking and the drugs. I'm very health conscious and take care of my body. I want a guy that also respects his body. The drugs are deal breakers for me (much more than the "chronic illness").
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Posted: 4/5/2010 8:58:04 PM | Of course I go out, for some reason people are tuned to poker and no life. LOL
Poker gives me some freedom(financially) to do things. If all you think all sufferers suffer alike, you couln't be more wrong. For one to say "you can do it" my friend does it don't quite understand chronic illnesses to the fullest.
Profession "nagger" don't get it? Move on to the next profile.
I understand that you feel online poker is all you've got as far as a job...but really? Or is it that you've chosen that path because of
Maybe you missed this in my post:
I spent many long hours learning how to fix PCs and became quite good at it. Had the intentions of running small home based business. That crapped, people are too cheap. LOL
I also repair PCs I am a mechanic, want your car fixed? I can do that also.
Poker is far more challenging then anything non players can imagine. And far more rewarding.
Fashionlady, I Used to date and dated often, I have never had problems meeting women.
making myself marketable? get past the profile, then get to know me. People, the profile is written in that manner for a reason, don't like it, don't reply. Call it my filter system LOL. And it works. I had all that I'm for sale BS in my profile, got too many working-husband seekers , filter that out everything is now good. I'm very limited to what I can do and that profile tells it all. LOL!!! Anyone say sad life, go F yourself, I know it sucks, but it's the life and body I am stuck with.
I have made 2 great friends with it and will cherish for life. Also have illnesses of their own.
I'm in no hurry, like the profile, reply, we talk, you find out I'm ill and un-employed and unread delete messages LOL
You like, you find out I'm human and have much to offer, we continue. Simple
Here weed is legal for some, would I prefer THC based medicine, absolutely, Is it available to me, no,. so weed it is. I only started smoking a few years back and glad I did. Imagine all the prescriptions I would have to take daily and tell me that's a better choice?
Active? I'm a social butterfly and hate being stuck indoors. Fibro sufferers have many symptoms, some come and go, some stay for a long long time. When you have the flu, go out get drunk, add a hangover, hit ureslf all over your body, add 2 root canals then have someone tell you, "you never wanna do things". Of course I do things, do I do them all the time, no. Can I? no.
Sorry if some of you think I don't deserve an explanation and being ignored is the better choice over honesty. I sure as hell don't. But hey, I'm mature that way. | |
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Posted: 4/5/2010 9:07:14 PM |
I would have more issues with the smoking and the drugs. I'm very health conscious
Worked out for 15 yrs b4 the FM took the best out of me and had give it up. Ate a diet that would have made a body builder proud. I'm a health food nut, but can no longer eat 95% of foods due to severe nausea and jaw problems. | |
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