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| | Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every dayPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | Hi Everyone
This is the first time I've posted a question, so please be gentle with me 
Recently, I found out that my friend's husband's twin brother was interested in getting to know me, with the hope of romance if we liked eachother.
I originally met him at the same friend's wedding. We got chatting at the end of the reception (I live in UK btw). We got on really well and my friend caught my eye and was raising her eyebrows at me and winking 
Afterwards, I didn't really think any more of it, as I'm 11 years older than him and just assumed, he would probably think I was too old for him.
A year and a half later (April of this year), it was the Christening of my friend and her husband's first baby and it was when my friend invited me that she told me, her husband's twin really liked me and was looking forward to seeing me again at the Christening.
The actual day was a let down on that score though, as apart from saying hello to eachother outside of the church, we never got to talk to eachother that day! Kept missing eachother
Since then, my friend has been telling me how he really regrets not getting to talk to me and wants to get to know me better. My friend was going to invite us both over to her house to meet up. I was so excited. I don't get that many opportunities due to having a long term physical illness, so don't get to meet many people. Having said that, I've done quite well really, in that I've had quite a few relationships over the years but sadly, none of them have worked out so far. I really want to settle down with someone. I usually get together with men who have the same illness, so dating someone 'healthy' would be unusual for me. I was willing to give it a go though, as we did get on so well at the wedding.
Anyway, after telling you all of this, yesterday, my friend drops a bit of bombshell and tells me that he said before we meet up, he wants me to know that he smokes Cannabis every night with a friend of his and thinks it only fair to let me know before meeting him again.
At first, I decided to keep an open mind and go and meet him before I decided what I thought about it. My friend said, he wouldn't smoke it around me, he only smokes it with his friend. He's never smoked it around her either.
Being quite ignorant about the subject, I did some research on the internet last night and because I did start to worry about what I might be getting myself into. Couldn't sleep last night with the thoughts going round and round in my head.
Today, I phoned my friend and talked some more and we both came to the conclusion that maybe it was better to leave it and not even meet up with him, if I was going to worry about it and my gut feeling was saying steer clear. Her husband said, his brother has no intention of giving it up. It has affected his life, in that he doesn't get out and about to meet people. He stays within the village where he lives. He hasn't had a girlfriend for years because of not getting out and meeting people. Apparently, he did use to go out to work but now he works for himself. Very talented apparently in wood carving. So, he sells his pieces.
Okay, so I've told you a very long story, only to ask, do you think I've made the right decision? I know I'm the only one who can really decide that but have I made my decision based on ignorance and prejudice?
He seems such a sweet guy and my friend said he is very caring. He's shy like me as well, so in a lot of ways we seemed so suited. Should I have given him a chance?
Have any of you dated anyone who smoked Cannabis every day?
Thanks everyone. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 6:47:24 PM | It has affected his life, in that he doesn't get out and about to meet people. He stays within the village where he lives. He hasn't had a girlfriend for years because of not getting out and meeting people.
Why do you think that's due to the cannibas and why is that a negative? I don't smoke cannabis, but I detest going out and meeting people.
Apparently, he did use to go out to work but now he works for himself. Very talented apparently in wood carving. So, he sells his pieces.
Ands that is a problem, why? Gee, so he actually works for himself instead of being an automaton in a factory and you think that's a bad thing?
Have any of you dated anyone who smoked Cannabis every day?
I've dated a few who smoked on a regular basis. One was a graduate student when I was in graduate school. She now teaches at a university. I think drinking alcohol is far worse. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 6:54:07 PM | Hi Abelian
Thanks so much for your reply.
First of all, I'm going by what my friend told me today. She said it's the reason he doesn't get out and meet people and I assume her husband told her that, who is his twin brother. As I said, I am quite ignorant on the subject, so can only go by what she has told me and it's why I would like to get some opinions of people with experience on the subject.
Secondly, I told you about the wood carving as a positive, not a negative. Trying to show both sides, in order for people to form a better opinion.
That was my very first reaction, to say to my friend that drinking alcohol is said to be worse. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 7:09:03 PM |
he smokes Cannabis every night with a friend of his and thinks it only fair to let me know before meeting him again.
So,obviously *he* thinks this could present a problem to you.
And,he's 34 and hasn't had a girlfriend in YEARS because of this habit(as you've said)???
And,he's not socializing or interacting with people in the workforce either coz he's self employed............hmm..................
I,personally would go ahead and meet up with him again but with NO expectations.
Then again,"no drugs" is the ONLY restriction on *my* profile.
Good luck,Op,in whatever you decide!
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 7:17:27 PM | Thanks Ablelian
I've just read your profile and see that you're a scientist, so I value your opinion even more now.
As I said, that was my first reaction, to keep an open mind and go and meet him and then decide. The worry set in later though but it is probably a fear of the unknown, because I've had no experience of this and reading too much on the internet about it! | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 7:23:06 PM | Hi ChardyGirl
Thanks so much for your reply too.
Yes, obviously, he does think this could present a problem for me but I do admire his honesty. Some people might have said nothing. At least at first.
Everything else you have said did sound iffy to me too. Also, some of the people I read about on the internet, giving advice to other women with the same problem, said that they will never come first. They will always love the Cannabis more than you etc etc.
The fact that my friend said it is a way of life for him and that he had no intention of giving it up worried me too. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 7:34:16 PM | This is my experience with chronic (not merely recreational) users of the chronic (cannabis):
-They are using it to cope with/escape from something in their life that they don't want to address, much like other people I know who use other mind-altering substances like alcohol or cocaine.
-They tend to have a chunk of each day (during/after smoking) where they are lethargic IF they smoke a lot at once or it's particularly potent weed.
-If they are inclined to attention deficit disorder or something similar, it can help them focus on a task, particularly a manual/artistic task that takes precise visualizing (like wood carving, for example).
[I repeat, for those prone to attack other posters: this is my observation/experience.] | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 7:43:25 PM | Canabis smokers are another group full of different individuals. I've known some who were what others call "losers," because their primary goal in life was to move from one smoke to another. I've known many more who were just like everyone else in the world, except instead of having a glass of wine in the evening, they'd smoke marijuana. some people smoke to get high, some to relax.
I have a problem with the illegal part of it. Since having children, I prohibited it from being in my house, no matter who the friend was, to protect my children from the damage that would result from the intercession of the law.
I'm influenced by your limitations to say you might want to give this more of a chance. Artists and canabis seem to go together in some places. On the other hand, I'm bothered by the idea that he does it EVERY NIGHT. That seems a bit excessive.
I don't see where you say what your internet research told you. I do know there is at least as much MISinformation on the internet as INformation. From the time I was very young, there's been people in THIS country who use their influence to promote the idea that somehow marijuana use leads directly to all manner of horrible things. I know they are still up to the same tricks, because my son in high School is still being taught a host of false claims, with the same "scare them away" idea.
If his smoking is going to cause you trouble due to your illness, that would make for a huge reason to stay away, given his dedication to it. So I guess I don't know quite WHAT to advise.
Is there anything in particular that you are afraid of? | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 7:55:25 PM | OP, normally my personal reaction to drugs is that I want to avoid them since if they turn up in my urine sample, I could lose my job - it is just the country I live in. However, you're not in that limitation, so I'll leave that one alone.
So with that aside, I guess the only problem that I have (as well as others) is that he doing it *every day.* Gee, it does seem somewhat excessive, and can hint to (a) a serious addition and/or (b) a need for escape from the real world possible due to depression. I do agree with the observation about alcohol - my father died of complications from that, and thus this can be just as addictive; there are legal substances out there just as bad. Yep, there are losers that do Cannabis, but there are losers that are alcoholics as well; both can be equally depressing to observe.
So what would be my advice. If you were going to enter a relationship with one, I would definitely do some hard research and find out what's *wrong* with smoking Cannabis - then see if he shows any symptoms of it. Personally, I'd also refrain from dating someone who smoked Cannabis ... but then I would refrain from dating someone that was an alcoholic as well. (And to me drinking every day would be signs of being an alcoholic)
I wish for you the best. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:05:00 PM | Wow, you are all being so kind, giving your opionions and sharing experiences. I really appreciate it.
Hello Jinx
I do know, from talking to my friend, that the guy in question is extremely nervous of meeting me and she said this would be a huge step for him, because he hasn't had a girlfriend for so long. Also, I think he is nervous because of being shy. I don't know if this is why he takes the Cannabis, to escape from his shyness. I am painfully shy myself, so could understand this. Really though, I don't know why he does it. I only know what my friend has told me.
I went over to him and initiated the chat at the wedding, so I guess that made him feel more comfortable and relaxed. He seemed perfectly normal!
That's interesting about the artistic perspective and helping an artist to focus and visualize more precisely. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:08:11 PM |
He seems such a sweet guy and my friend said he is very caring. He's shy like me as well, so in a lot of ways we seemed so suited. Should I have given him a chance?
Hell, yes!
Look...you'll have to expect him to deal with your illness so it isn't asking too much for you to deal with his indulgence. Life is too short. Enjoy and be happy! | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:11:10 PM | OK, take a deep breath. You are not dating this guy. You barely know him. How about taking the time to get to know him. He is more than just a little bit of godsmoke. How would you feel if someone judged you as unworthy because of just one thing about you, one thing about yourself that you enjoy and doesn't hurt anyone else?
Instead of making choices based on internet research how about getting to know him, as a person. Find out how he treats you, how he treats him Mom. Find out how seriously he takes his work/art. Find out if he is a crappy conversationalist or the wittiest man you have ever spoken with.
Geez, give the guy a break and stop over thinking. Once you get to know him you will be able to make a choice based on your own personal experience. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:20:40 PM | Hi there Igor and thanks so much for your kind and detailed reply.
Everybody is different with my illness too, so I guess that is a way of looking at it, as you say. Cannabis smokers aren't all going to be the same.
Yes, the illegal part is a worry. I guess there isn't much chance of them being caught and I'm guessing they smoke it at his friend's house, as the guy in question, actually still lives at home with his parents. I do too, due to my illness, so certainly, won't judge him for that. He doesn't have much money. Anyway, apparently, his mum won't let him smoke it in her house. As I said, he wouldn't be smoking it around me, so there's little chance of me getting arrested with them if they got caught.
Yes, I am bothered by the fact he does it every night and the fact that he's actually said he wants to carry on doing this. He's obviously totally dependent on it. Also, where would a girlfriend fit into his life anyway?
It wouldn't be a problem due to my illness, because he wouldn't be smoking it around me.
I guess what I am afraid of is partly as I said, fear of the unknown, due to my inexperience of Cannabis smokers and secondly, if it turns out I really like him, will I let my heart rule my head and get involved in another strange relationship! My last one was very strange but for different reasons. I'm one of those people, who once I get involved with someone, I find it very difficult to finish the relationship. That's why I decided today, to knock it on the head before it even started. I hope I'm not going to get attacked now for being weak in relationships! I've seen how some of you forum people can be very harsh with people like me sometimes! My only excuse, is I guess my illness (a physical illness btw but not fatal), makes me more vulnerable.
Another way of looking at it though, is that dating someone who is ill has always seemed more sensible for me, because of my circumstances. My life isn't normal due to my illness and neither is his and his dependence could be seen as an illness. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:29:48 PM | Thanks for your kind reply too sun devil.
No, no problems with drug testing for me.
I do feel for him if he does it to escape from the real world. I'm isolated a lot from the outside world due to my illness, so we would have that in common too.
My friend said he definitely shows no signs of being psychotic or anything like that!
So sorry to hear about your father. That must have been really painful for you to watch and you must have very painful memories.
Thank you for your best wishes and best wishes to you too. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:30:09 PM |
I hope I'm not going to get attacked now for being weak in relationships!
Eh, if we were so brilliant at relationships, we probably wouldn't be on this site to begin with. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:33:58 PM | Hi there Mother Approved
Thanks very much for your input.
Yes, you're right, he would have to deal with my illness. We both have our problems and neither of us is leading a normal life. Who knows, we might be able to help eachother emotionally. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:43:09 PM | Hi Abbicci
Very sound advice. Thank you.
I do over think about everything. A family trait I think. I wish I wouldn't take everything so seriously and just take things as they come.
I would like to get to know him. As I said, he seemed so sweet. Gave me such a lovely smile and hello at the Christening and did a kind of shy shrugging of the shoulders afterwards.
I don't see him as unworthy at all. I do get judged quite a lot because of my illness and people don't understand, unless they know someone else who has it. I certainly don't see him as unworthy. As I said, it is just a fear of the unknown, through lack of experience of these things.
As I said, you give very sound advice. So thanks for that. | |
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:47:06 PM | Okay, really must get some sleep now. Nearly 5 am in the UK!
Will come back tomorrow, to see if there are any more replies.
Thanks again everyone. Much appreciated.
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| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 8:57:24 PM | i agree with abbicci. why is it that folks look down on pot smokers? you would think the guy was on a murderous killing spree or just robbed a convenience store...truth is, these pot smokers are probably home watching cartoons not harming anyone but themselves.
this guy, as you have described him, is a bit shy-a lot of folks are shy
he has his own business and makes his own money-he is talented and gainfully employed
he likes you and was honest about his addiction immediately-a rare quality in a dating environment. wouldnt you agree?
he has accepted your illness when others have not-he obviously has compassion for you and your situation.
now for the negatives...
he will surely use pot as a gateway drug and be using crack cocaine before to long or maybe even heroine-same old lame story....oh geez not that again
pot will make him passive and withdrawn from the rest of society-this can be true for some, but as igor stated, everyone is different.
he will eat a lot or have the munchies when doing pot.. -a good exercise plan is always in order for most folks over 20 anyway.
his short and/or long term memory may be affected.."what were we just talking about dude"
there are probably way more negatives and a few more positives then i have been able to list here, but my point is that you need to meet the fellow and spend some time with him to find out if his "pot smoking" will affect his life or how he treats you and ultimately, how you feel about all of it. try not to jump to any conclusions before spending some time with him. i have dated girls that i thought may have drank a little too much on our first date, but i always gave them the benefit of the doubt (i dont drink for sport anymore myself).
-chip | |
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=jinx=
| | Joined: 1/25/2010
Msg: 24 | |
| Dating someone who smokes Cannabis every day
Posted: 5/3/2010 9:12:23 PM | Blue Mermaid,
Just to elaborate - all the chronic, daily smokers I personally have known are intelligent, kind people; none have been abrasive or aggressive generally, and certainly not at all when high. In that sense, it can be very different from what you might see with alcohol or some other drugs.
The "problem" that they have shared is more like depression. The ones I have known have all carried the burden of some heavy sadness, usually stemming from childhood or adolescent experience(s). That underlying problem may or may not be there with the man you know. I certainly would not know! I'd imagine you could only know if an emotional problem were there if you got to know him.
I'm sorry I have no advice for you as to which way to handle your situation. I think it is very much a personal choice.
Kind regards. | |
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