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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?      Home login  
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 mascot1
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 1
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?Page 1 of 1    
Hey guys, I know it may seem to be the obvious "they want you to compliment them" But I found it strange that there is a guy I have been around for a while, and he seemed more interested in me then I was of him. But he said he was "getting a belly" and I Thought "my God, then I Must be Horse Pig Cow to you" (of course didn't say anything like that)
He is a smaller weight then me, and still seems to be interested in being with me, but why put himself down?
I had my 'friends' say that when we were in grade school, saying they are fat, when I was the fat kid, and I can only believe that it is a way to say "you had better lose some weight"
Of course I did say he looks good, and told I'm working out, figure I'd cover both bases....hahaha...so why put themselves down about something that may make the girl feel bad about herself especially?

Thank you in advance.
 mjmilan
Joined: 12/28/2006
Msg: 2
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 2:41:11 PM
It's difficult to say what is happening in the specific case you're interested in, but I often use humour as a way to put people (including myself) at ease, and of course there's less chance of offending anyone if you make yourself the butt of the joke...

Just a thought.

Martin
 lighttou
Joined: 12/20/2009
Msg: 3
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Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 2:51:55 PM
Reckon it's often a sign of insecurity, seeking approbation or being self-effacing on the part of some men, it's not aimed at making you feel unnatractive or undesireable, why should they seek to do that? It's just a harmless diversion.
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 4
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Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 2:57:32 PM

he seemed more interested in me then I was of him



he said he was "getting a belly" and I Thought "my God, then I Must be Horse Pig Cow to you" (of course didn't say anything like that)



why put themselves down about something that may make the girl feel bad about herself especially?



seems to be interested in being with me, but why put himself down?


Oh my god... how can I say this????? If I was to look at it only from the way you see it, I would tell you that he does all of those things because he has a sense of humour and does not mean any of those things, but if you are getting hurt, then you should talk to him about it.
 LetsShuffle
Joined: 3/9/2010
Msg: 5
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 3:37:26 PM
Your question...

Why would a guy demonstrate lower value? Why would he do this when he is interested in me? Why would he to this in a way that it also makes me self conscious?

Demonstrating lower value may happen when a guy a higher perceived value in the eyes of a girl hes after. If a girl starts to think that a guy is just too good for her it may become a self fulfilling prophecy. So demonstrating lower value may help put things back in perspective.

Maybe he isn't that interested in you and doesn't really care about being to polite to you. Consequently he could be interested and said this to make you have a perceived lower value. If in your eyes you have a much higher value then the guy then you just wont be interested; you'll believe that you can do better. So again this could put things back in perspective.

This ended up working out pretty good for the guy. Because he made you have these feelings about the situation and interest in his thought process you are more likely to be interested in him in general. It's the same thing when a guy stops calling a girl. It makes a girl wonder what happened and try to get attention and power back.

It looks like this is exactly what happened considering you supplicated to him by telling him he looks good and you demonstrated a higher value by telling him your going to the gym. It appears as though he built some attraction.

Good luck, don't think about little things like this. The guy probably intended nothing.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 3:37:31 PM
My first thought is, that it isn't any kind of a strategy on his part. Just chat.
You are generalizing it to the point where your question is all the way up to "Why do guys put themselves down in front of women?" You only mention the one incident, so there isn't enough there to generalize about.
Apparently, you are sensitive about your own weight. His mentioning his own only suggests that he is concerned it might put YOU off HIM. Since he's spending time with you, wouldn't that indicate that he does NOT find yours unattractive?
I'm betting that it just never occurred to him that you would take his comment about HIMSELF to reflect on you.
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 4:00:21 PM
repeat after me, op:
'it's not about me.'
'it's not about me.'
'it's not about me.'
'it's not about me.'
'it's not about me.'

usually the things people say about themselves are actually about themselves. not malicious coded messages aimed at the sensitivities of others.

I had my 'friends' say that when we were in grade school, saying they are fat, when I was the fat kid, and I can only believe that it is a way to say "you had better lose some weight"

egocentrism is how children's minds operate. part of the maturing of people's thought process is realizing most of the causes and effects in the world have nothing to do with them. you're an adult now. you might question whether a child's reasoning still has relevance in your life.

Of course I did say he looks good

why 'of course'? because he DOES look good? or because you think you're obligated to rescue him from his feelings, or what you think his feelings are? if you agree he IS getting fat, it's ok to say nothing. he didn't ask you for your opinion.

so why put themselves down about something that may make the girl feel bad about herself especially?

he has no control over your feelings - he can't 'make' you feel bad. only you can, and you're doing it now by insisting there's a put-down where it's not clear there is one.
 deborah815
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 8
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Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 4:40:48 PM
I agree with Davidpiano0609. The man was just making conversation and said something about himself and his "belly" and he's working out. The remark doesn't require an answer nor does it reflect on you in any way. He doesn't know that you might be sensitive in this area.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 9
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 4:48:39 PM
Maybe he was just fishing for a complement from you.
He got it, right?
You immediatly said to him ,he looked good.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 10
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 5:03:08 PM

...so why put themselves down about something that may make the girl feel bad about herself especially?



They may do this because they are trying to "relate" to you and he genrally may feel he needs to drop a few pounds....don't take it so personal, you say you are working out so don't worry. Good luck.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 11
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 8:11:53 PM
I once dated a body builder that was in a bulking phase. He had a little gut from chowing down on a lot of protein to build muscle. He hated the way he looked but it was the only way he could get bigger. He went around lamenting about how "fat" he was and I thought he looked like he should be carved in marble.

Then he entered a competition, and went thru a cutting phase. He got his bodyfat down to about 5% and he felt like he looked grrrrreat! In my eyes, he was just a little too veiny and ...I duno, scary. I kept my opinions to myself.

After the competition (he placed third from about twenty), his body fat % went up and once again he looked fantastic to me. But, of course, he felt "fat."

The entire time I dated him I was at least 20 pounds overweight and I don't think he even noticed. If he did, he never said a word.

OP your boyfriend doesn't like his belly. That's it. The end.
 LittlestIndian
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 12
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 8:39:44 PM
To make you believe that he needs pity to validate him and before you know it, he is playing your feelings like a finely tuned instrument. Haven't you heard of reverse psychology?
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 13
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Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/8/2010 8:44:37 PM


OP your boyfriend doesn't like his belly. That's it. The end.


Yep.

You're being sensitive about something that he's really meaning is about HIM. I've been bit on the curvy side for numerous years. AND I get LOTS of attention from men and LOTS of dates. I've dated numerous men that are are smaller than me, thinner, lighter weight, usually very toned/fit, even body builders. IF a guy is interested, he will continue to want to see you. Enjoy!!

Feel free to spend your dating time together doing activities and eating healthy. You will both look and feel better as a result. . .



 artist_48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 14
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/9/2010 2:32:42 AM
Some people simply say what they think; others want positive affirmation of their

insecurities. Maybe he is simply saying what he thinks. If women can ask if they look

fat in their clothes, he's entitled to say he's getting a belly.
 BentonHarbor
Joined: 3/2/2010
Msg: 15
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/9/2010 5:38:41 AM
This certainly seems to be "all about me....." rather than thinking or understanding this poor fool of a guy was merely trying to establish and maintain some sort of ongoing conversation with you--the very subject of "all about me" !! Geesh........

This is ONE GUY so it's not all guys by any stretch which might be helpful in realizing people are a bit different and unique in how they approach someone. Throw in you say/think he's more interested in you than vice versa and it should be obvious he's trying harder to get your attention. Self deprecating humor is but one way to have the conversation flow a bit more easily, giving you both something else to discuss--common ground of a sort.

This unfortunate guy had no idea comments about himself would trigger your own insecurities or concerns---guys in general aren't mind readers nor can we deduce just what else would trip a gal up. Beliefs in what you think someone means by an innocent comment is nothing more than an assumption based upon nothing you know about that particular person---a fatal mistake loads of times.

He should concentrate on someone with a few less issues, someone who might appreciate his efforts----they might enjoy such a guy.

Best of luck to you OP!
 DiannaBall
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 16
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/9/2010 12:34:19 PM
Why hang out with a guy who does this? That crap would bore me pretty fast. One of the two of you or both are insecure. Move on. Find people who are not like that.
 clambroth
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 17
Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/9/2010 5:22:07 PM
Read the other posts. Still say Huh????????????????????????????????????. Horse cow, pig, put downs, put up, what?????????????????
 Rossatron86
Joined: 3/6/2010
Msg: 18
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Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/10/2010 1:15:01 AM

It's difficult to say what is happening in the specific case you're interested in, but I often use humour as a way to put people (including myself) at ease, and of course there's less chance of offending anyone if you make yourself the butt of the joke...


Exactly!
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 19
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Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/10/2010 4:54:53 AM
David got it right. This is actually about himself and not anyone else.

A lot of guys have this issue. Sometimes they try to be funny and make a joke about themselves. They feel it is OK to joke about themselves because they would never dreams about joking about someone else, it's not polite.

However, this type of behavior is not well received by women. They perceive it as having no confidence at all. This really puts the guy at a disadvantage even before a woman starts internalizing his words. As long as he does this, he will not be very successful dating.

It's not his fault he doesn't even realize he is doing it. He's making up excuses for not being a movie star type that every woman wants, in his head.

You should mention to him to stop making those comments.
 Stallion204
Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 20
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Why do guys put themselves down infront of women?
Posted: 5/10/2010 5:22:48 AM
So a guy makes a comment about his belly and you think he is secretly talking about you???? How is he putting himself down?? He made an observation that his belly is getting big. What you said about your body seems more of a put down.

I think you have the insecurities and are looking for faults in this guy so you can brush him off for your own short comings.
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