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 blueyes24
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 1
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What life is like after a parent diesPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hay all just me.
Life is not the same,its like a black hole in you hart that you can not fill,no matter what you do.Drinking helps with the pain but it still there and wont go away.
You have a great day and want to call to tell them but there not there,thats a hard one to take.
Hoildays are not the same there just another day too you and i dont want to talk about birthdays that tears you up so bad you want to stay in bed and not look at the day.
You look back at photos and wish you can go back in time but you cant.
I can go on,but it does not bring them back.
DR.Rob
 navywoman
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 2
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/14/2010 10:09:52 PM
Actually; I never gave it a second thought when my parents died. I just accepted it and moved on but then again I wasn't close to my parents so no real loss to me.
 blueyes24
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 3
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/14/2010 10:17:03 PM
I was close to my mom and when i had to watch her die was more then one person should deal with.
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 4
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/14/2010 11:02:40 PM
I was VERY close with my father. I spent a great deal of time with him before he died. I held him and told him how much we loved him as he took his last breath.

I initially missed him so much, it ached. And ached and ached and ached. . . As time passed, I ached less and less. Eventually, it became more of just missing him. Then I missed him less and less. I went through the whole grieving process: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

I still miss him, occasionally, especially when someone/something reminds me of him (like this). I still occasionally cry. He died 24 years ago.

Time definitely was the key for me to deal with it. Little by little, one day at a time, I processed it and dealt with it better and better.

I'll always miss him. I love(d) him, dearly.

 FrankNStein902
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 5
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/15/2010 7:55:23 AM

Life is not the same,its like a black hole in you hart that you can not fill,no matter what you do.Drinking helps with the pain but it still there and wont go away.

Says you.

Those are not rules of what happens when someone dies, those are things that you are creating yourself and most likely based on watching to much TV, which does a wonderful job of creating a distorted view of death and the role it plays in nature.

Our parents are here to raise us and prepare us for the world and then pass along.

That is natures way, ergo - The Cycle of Life.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 6
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/15/2010 8:47:03 AM
blueyes24 states:


Life is not the same,its like a black hole in you hart that you can not fill,no matter what you do.Drinking helps with the pain but it still there and wont go away.


FrankNStein902 responds with:

Says you.

Those are not rules of what happens when someone dies, those are things that you are creating yourself and most likely based on watching to much TV, which does a wonderful job of creating a distorted view of death and the role it plays in nature.

Our parents are here to raise us and prepare us for the world and then pass along.

That is natures way, ergo - The Cycle of Life.


I watch TV very, very rarely. These rules you speak of are irrelevant. There are NO RULES as to how someone responds to the death of a loved one. Every individual has their own individual emotional response to life situations and NO ONE should be attempting to tell an individual how they can respond and how they cannot respond.

I understand where you are coming from blueyes24. Both of my parents have died with about a year and a half between my mom's passing then my father's passing. My brothers and I had a deep love and respect for both of our parents and we turned to them for a lot of advice and love throughout the years. It was a deep loss to lose them both. I went through a long period of time when I wanted to pick up the phone and call one or both of them yet could not as they were not alive anymore. I felt like an orphan, felt a sense of abandonment, and felt like I was in a deep, dark hole that I had no one to share my pain with. I finally started turning to my brothers more and more and realized that they too were feeling somewhat like me. Today, my brothers and I share emails that we never made when my parents were alive. They come to see me when they can. One of my brothers sold me his car at a very minor price to make sure I had something reliable to drive. I've come to love my brothers more and am so thankful that the very things my parents were about lives on through my brothers and I. If you have those types of relationships in your life that you can renew and grow into I would suggest you try. It makes a world of difference to know that your parents still live on through others.
 FrankNStein902
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 7
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/15/2010 8:56:54 AM

I watch TV very, very rarely. These rules you speak of are irrelevant. There are NO RULES as to how someone responds to the death of a loved one. Every individual has their own individual emotional response to life situations and NO ONE should be attempting to tell an individual how they can respond and how they cannot respond.

What rules did I speak of?

I said - "Those are not rules of what happens when someone dies..."

People develop preconditioned responses based on what they see and observe.


Reference material -
TELEVISION AND THE HIVE MIND
by Mack White

http://www.mackwhite.com/tv.html


Mass Mind Control
Through Network Television
Are Your Thoughts Your Own?

By Alex Ansary
Outside The Box
12-29-5


http://www.rense.com/general69/mass.htm
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 8
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/15/2010 9:34:56 AM


those are things that you are creating yourself and most likely based on watching to much TV


I rarely watch TV. Never have. I'm much more of an outdoor, active, hands-on type person. I haven't had my TV on for months. It's not even plugged in. I once had satellite TV. It had 100s of channels and still didn't think there was anything good on. . .

My situation/relationship with my father when he was alive and (relatively) healthy, when he was dying, as he died and even afterwards was simply between me and him. Period.

It's an individual, very personal thing and varies greatly from person to person.

How people deal with the death of a parent (or other person in their lives, specifically relatives) depends on the relationship. When one is close to a parent as I was (and the OP as well) then it is different than many/most people. Even though I will be sad when my mother dies, it won't be the same. She and I are not near as close as he and I were.

I highly recommend doing your best to do your part in a relationhip whether it's a parent, a spouse, a child, a friend, whoever. I have no regrets over my relationship with my father and if my mother died today, I wouldn't about her, either. A clear conscience is a wonderful thing. So, is ESPECIALLY spending time with someone you care deeply for. . .



 georgie34
Joined: 6/1/2009
Msg: 9
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/15/2010 11:29:23 AM
Sorry DR.Rob i haven't read all the responses.Sorry for your loss.
I lost my Mother about 10 years ago and I lost my father last year.
I was with both of them when they died and I am glad that I was there in their final moments so i could say goodbye.
I remember feeling like a child again, for some reason and I was very close to my Dad in his last years as I was the one living nearest to him.
Do you have family and/or close friends you can confide in?
I may be wrong-I am no psychiatrist but do you think you may be suffering from depression?
I went through a bit of a crazy time last year being so unlike me after Dad died, behaving in ways that I never have.
It may be an idea to visit your GP.
 blueyes24
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 10
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/15/2010 9:21:46 PM
Hi all.Thanks for all the post.I don't know were to start but to say that.
Lets start to say Aim an only child,have half brother, sisters but was not to much of that family but they did show up for the wake,I thank them for that.:)
I guess i do have depression ,but i deal with it no worse then what my grandparents went through.Life is not easy there are things that we can try to control and none that we can.
Georgie34. When i first seen my mom in ICU that's the first thought that went to me was to be a kid again and get by her.(i wasn't even able to bring the flowers in for her)That sucked.
I do have family anf friends but friends are close and family so-so.
and again THANK YOU ALL.
DR.Rob
 RenaiMan
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 11
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/16/2010 8:20:06 AM
When there is life, it will always end in death. That's natural.

Losing parents after you've become an independent adult is preferred, but not guaranteed. Of course we all deal with our grief in different ways through varied timelines. I don't dwell so much on pity or sorrow for those who have lost their elderly parents, I consider it a blessing compared to the alternatives.

But just consider what a child goes through when the parent dies early in their lives. To me that's entirely different. I couldn't count how many thousands of dreams I've had where my father is still alive over the past 40+ years, and I'm still having them.

So, my father passed when I was a child, I can still feel the confusion in my 50's. On the other hand, my mother passed a few years back and I've never felt more at peace with this world. She was a loving person who died while surrounded by her loving family, right down to her great-grandkids. It was perfect.

Of course I went through a little mourning, but it was brief. Now all I can do is smile when I think about her.

I just cannot for the life of me figure out why my sister wants someone like John Edwards to talk to my dead mother. I can't understand how some sort of guilt makes people think they need to reconnect to their passed loved ones, as if the dead really care about trivial things like not being told how much they were loved at the last seconds of their lives.

Anyway, if you are an adult and your parent dies, get over it. Deal with it and move on, nothing makes your situation different than the rest of us. And for heavens sake, DO NOT GO TO A DOCTOR and take DEADLY DRUGS for natural, normal, usually short-term grief.
 georgie34
Joined: 6/1/2009
Msg: 12
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/16/2010 8:23:24 AM
Renaiman on the one hand grief is a natural normal set of stages to go through but some people get stuck in one of those stages and may need counselling or if really needed medication.
I'm not saying for all people who lose a loved one.

I just got the feeling the OP sounded like it was MORE than grief he was going through but admittedly I am no "shrink" and is just my opinion.
 RenaiMan
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 13
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/16/2010 9:18:27 AM
Yes, that's why I said "natural, normal, usually short-term grief". Surely anything beyond that might warrant another approach. Since the beginning of human life there has been grief from loss, but somehow only in the past decade or so has it become popular to "throw drugs" at all problems. What happened to the days of family and community support without mind-altering substances?

I'm currently counseling a family member who's been rejected by his supposed "soul mate". They were great together for almost 2 years, now she's battling the demons brought on by trying to stop her dependence on anti-depressants. She's been on them ever since her husband died years ago, more than likely she'll give up and possibly remain on them for the rest of her life.
 blueyes24
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 14
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/16/2010 7:24:12 PM
Thanks dude I see were you are coming from.I have not turned to drugs and pills.
I do my thing and let life go on,I at the point that my mom wants me to live again.
It`s been a hard road and it does get better every day,but that part of you life you will miss.

When all of this was going on I was sober , did smkoe a little :). but still no alch. at the time and didn`t want to let the last days be blinded by it.
IT my be better if you have a close family,not my luck.

DR.rob
 RenaiMan
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 15
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/16/2010 8:34:19 PM
Hey guy, hang in there. It's not supposed to be easy. You are SO much better off feeling such loss, it means you've had someone in your life who was (is) very important. Their effect on you has a meaning that will go on for years... That's the closest thing to immortality that I know.

AND THE BIGGEST QUESTION TO ALL OF YOU.

Do you think that your lost loved one WANTS you to go off the deep end? Would they actually want you to become an alcoholic, or become dependent on expensive deadly drugs?

You know the answer better than I do.

We live, we love. It's a blessing. We also have to die in order to experience this amazing world.

And if your depression is considerably more advanced than all those before you, the trillions over millenniums, you should really take a look at your overall health. Go to the Health thread and start asking questions.

The truth can actually set you free.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 16
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/20/2010 8:41:05 AM
I lost my fiancee 5 years ago.

OP - I agree with the above poster, unless you are suicidal I'd stay away from "professionals". In the wake of my loss, I became involved with a grief group. I can't tell you how many people were popping all kinds of pills. I can't tell you how many people told me I needed them.

What I learned was - grief can be absolutely unbearable. You think you will die. You can't function sometimes...and you don't care. BUT - eventually, you get up and go on. First it's barely possible to make it to work...but then you find yourself having dinner with friends...and one day, life, your life NOW, is moving forward.

Some of the pill poppers are still where they were on day one.

Grief is ugly, and it alarms and terrifies those around us. If you numb it away - it isn't really gone, you haven't gotten through it...and it will be waiting.

I would suggest OP that you start a "new normal" - for holidays, special events, etc. I hope you come to the place where I have come - when you can remember (most of the time) with a smile, and gratitude that you had that person in your life.

My deepest condolences.
 mme_butterfly
Joined: 2/24/2009
Msg: 17
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/27/2010 5:49:35 PM
I lost my oldest son two years ago and my opinion is that there is no getting over such a loss. The more we love the more we feel the loss. Luckily my parents are still alive and well(at 85) but I cannot imagine life without them. Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way.
OP, you have your own path through and my heart goes out to you.
 LACali
Joined: 5/3/2010
Msg: 18
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 5/31/2010 4:34:04 PM
Wow, I'm so sorry to read about your loss. Haven't had to deal with it yet and no idea how I will. I hope will get easier for you each day.
 blueyes24
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 19
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 6/12/2010 9:53:21 PM
Hay all, Thanks for the kind words,thoughts and what i sholud do.Talked to dad and he`s going for shrink to see him?????,
To the last op.I HOPE YOU DONT HAVE TO DAEL WITH IT FOR A LONG TIME.
I said blck hole thats it is but more likr a rollercoster ride,you have your good times and bad.
It does not stop and if you,someone elase has the same lost.
There on the ride with you,and it`s not fun.
When they say live like it was your last day.do so
a loney road a faith.
DR.Rob.
 FrankNStein902
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 20
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 6/13/2010 7:09:46 AM
I said blck hole thats it is but more likr a rollercoster ride,you have
your good times and bad.


Read the below book to understand that life is all about ups and downs and there is
nothing abnormal about it and that you as a human are genetically capable of dealing
with this in a rational and non Dr. Phil way.



Manufacturing Depression
The Secret History of a Modern Disease
By Gary Greenberg

Description

am i happy enough?

This has been a pivotal question since America's inception. Am I not happy enough
because I am depressed? is a more recent version. In the past twenty years, as
antidepressants have become staples of our medicine chests -- upward of thirty million
Americans are taking them at an annual cost of more than ten billion dollars -- more
people have begun to ask themselves if their unhappiness is a disease that can, and
should, be treated by medication.

Part memoir, part intellectual history, part exposé, Manufacturing Depression reveals
how this question has come to dominate our understanding of our suffering. Author
Gary Greenberg draws on sources ranging from the Old Testament to current medical
journals and scholarship to his twenty-five years as a psychotherapist and his own
experience as a depression patient to show how the idea that depression is a widespread
chronic disease has been packaged by brilliant scientists, doctors, and marketing experts
-- and why it is has become wildly successful in the marketplace of ideas.


Rather than asking whether or not depression is a disease, or whether or not we should
take drugs to ease our pain, Greenberg asks what we gain and lose by taking this
approach, and who benefits when we do. Manufacturing Depression allows readers to
think of depression not just as an illness, but as a story about our suffering, its source,
and its relief. A remarkably intelligent, witty, and deeply perceptive writer and
professional observer, Greenberg has insights and perspective that are bound to spark
much debate, and challenge many -- experts and casual readers alike -- to view
depression in a wholly new light.


http://books.simonandschuster.com/Manufacturing-Depression/Gary-Greenberg
/9781416569794
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 21
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 6/16/2010 10:13:24 AM
I found a lot of comfort in my sibling. We are closer than ever before.

Please accept my condolences.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 22
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 6/16/2010 6:49:02 PM
Eleven people have died in my circle in the last six years.
Death is part of life. Some days Im fine, others all it takes is one trigger and Im a mess.
One day at a time is all I can take.
 GingersnapWA2
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 23
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 6/16/2010 10:44:51 PM
I lost my dad last year, and my best friend last month. I have decided that the best way to honor them is to Go On Living; To be the best person that I can be; To try to be a blessing to others and make a positive contribution to the world - Those are the lessons that those two individuals taught me when they were alive.
 blueyes24
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 24
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What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 8/13/2010 8:20:43 PM
Hay all me again.
I still have trouble deailing with it but today made me know she is around and loves me so :)
I live day to day and look for love but I know i will not find it.and bad ones in the past and now with no support.
I guess i walk alone.:(
still alive and well just sad.
 MichelleRenee1234
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 25
What life is like after a parent dies
Posted: 8/18/2010 1:59:15 PM
Blueyes24, I know how you feel because my mom died just 2 weeks ago. It's a pain unimaginable until you actually have to go through it, and one I feared and dreaded for many years since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at a young age. She was only 46 when symptoms began to show. She was 52 at the time of her passing. I hadn't seen her since father's day. On that day, she had asked me "Why won't you just let me die. I just want to die." The next time I saw her it was in the intensive care unit at the hospital where we took her off life-support and held her hand as she faded away. I don't think I'll ever forget the horror and panic I felt at hearing her referred to in the past tense, or the moment my dad, brother and sister group-hugged each other... my family... minus 1.

What hurts me the most is not so much losing her. I miss her and that hurts. But I'm sad by all she left behind and the knowledge that it would break her heart to know what we're all going through. She was so young. And I'm sad she had to face death. I'm sad my mom wasn't allowed to live a full life. The injustice of nature is acute sometimes. It's hard not to feel she was cheated and that we were cheated. The only consolation is that I know she'd want us to be strong, and fortunately my mom was a strong woman who equipped us all with the tools to also be strong.

I doubt I'll ever heal from this. When I get married. When I have children. She'll always be missed at the moments in my life that I know would make her so happy if she were here, and so heart-broken to miss. I don't believe in life after death. I believe she's gone. But I still feel her, despite my beliefs.

I don't really know what to say Blueyes. It's just sad and it sucks and there's nothing anyone can say to make it better. I just hope you pull through. And I sympathize and share your grief.

Life is for the living, as they say.
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