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Show ALL Forums  > Plentyoffish Site/Suggestions/Help  > When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?      Home login  
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 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 1
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
1. I'm looking for casual dating, no commitment.
2. I want to date but nothing serious.
3. I want a relationship.
4. I am putting in serious effort to find someone.
5. I am serious and want to find someone to marry.

So big fish, what is this used to determine? I can't speak for others,
but my "intent" changes periodically...sometimes it's #1,
sometimes it's #2, and even #3 enters my mind as a feasible
option.

So if I pick #2 now, but then change my mind and really want #3,
can I go back and change it? What about those who just got
out of a relationship and so say choose #1, but in a few months
decide #3 or 4 best describe their intent?

And then there's the possibility that my definition of "I want to
date but nothing serious" isn't the same as a man's definition..

Or maybe I'm putting wayyyy to much thought into this...

 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/28/2010 8:43:15 AM
Aye, there's the rub... A major reason most people here stay single, besides there being far too many options, is variable intentions dependent on mood and who you are with at the moment. If you are unsure what your goals are, and they fluctuate with moods, how can anyone else begin to understand and complement your needs?

Bigfish may answer himself at some point, but in the meantime I will expound a bit.

In my book, the second greatest challenge in life is to find someone mutually compatible for a long-term Significant Other relationship. As you see, the challenge is huge because the other person's intentions are beyond anyone's control, and they can shift so often that few people know what their own goals are. How can we begin to understand another's intent?

Being required to choose an intent is a good start, it forces us to make some decisions that we may NEVER make otherwise. Which one best fits our long-term goals? Why do we have to choose, anyway? Why not continue our nearly permanent single status indefinitely?

For best results, get out IRL, go to your special interest fun group activities and make friends over time in PERSON. Develop long-term friendships the natural way by sharing common interests, and people will learn who you really are and what they share with you.

To have a friend, be a friend. Relationships will develop over time, the natural way. S
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 3
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/28/2010 9:19:44 AM
A major reason most people here stay single, besides there being far too many options, is variable intentions dependent on mood and who you are with at the moment. If you are unsure what your goals are, and they fluctuate with moods, how can anyone else begin to understand and complement your needs?

You could say that if the question the OP asked about was worded differently and allowed for choosing more than one option. It would be even better to provide for selecting multiple options for what you didn't want.

I was open to several of those option, and a few that aren't even listed, but marriage was not something I was looking for, yet I am getting married to someone I met here. I think intent has a lot to do with the individuals you actually meet and in any case that's presumably what the different categories are for. If a person selects a category that disguises his/her intent why would that person not do the same thing when answering the question above? In particular, the option, ``I want a relationship'' could mean anything from casual sex to marriage.
 markus
Joined: 3/27/2001
Msg: 4
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/28/2010 10:36:25 AM
I'm going to add it to the profiles. I don't think putting this person wants to get married on a profile is a good idea. So its going to be summerized as This user wants a relationship or This user does not want a relationship.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 5
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/28/2010 11:40:26 AM
#2 fits very well for me. I didn't join POF to form a relationship, but I did join to date.

Markus,

Not such a bad idea. I would select 'Does not want a relationship' because I never intended to have one through POF.

I will even make a few clarifications on my profile.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 6
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/28/2010 10:39:14 PM
I just wonder why this was added as part of the birth order question? Aren't they possibly different issues? Or is it a value pack deal? "I am the 15th child of still married parent who wants to get married-see my married parental pedigree to know I am marriage material". Blah, ugh, not buying it.

What I am looking for in dating can vary on so many factors that to have one pat answer is useles sin a way. And why is adding that some one is looking for marriage bad to add to a profile, BUT you can do a search for those seeking marriage? Wouldn't it help what ever almight computer program to match up marriage seekers by having both of those options working together? Or did I think too much?
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 7
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/29/2010 2:03:09 PM
These are all "relationships," at least to some people here:
a single intimate encounter (yep, some people here do think that, crazy as that is)
friends
f-buddies
f-buddies, sexually monogamous
friends with benefits
friends with benefits, sexually monogamous
non-exclusive dating, no sex
non-exclusive dating, with sex
non-exclusive dating, sexually monogamous
exclusive dating, no sex
exclusive dating with sex
exclusive dating, sexually monogamous
boyfriend/girlfriend, no sex
boyfriend/girlfriend, with sex
boyfriend/girlfriend, sexually monogamous
boyfriend/girlfriend, indefinitely
falling in love
being in love
loving
cohabitating indefinitely
cohabitiating short term
cohabitating long term
engagement
marriage
married, and x, y, and or z with someone else
[and overlay some poly versions over some of these things]

I've left some out, I'm sure.

"Wants a relationship" or "doesn't want a relationship" are still going to translate to the reader however the reader wants them to read, and not necessarily how the writer intends them: player, slut, cling-on, wants monogamy, doesn't want monogamy, wants to marry, desperate to marry, would never marry, in a hurry to make babies, etc.

Why can't we have choices (and matches) that are less ambiguous? Committed, exclusive, marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, dating, abstinence before marriage, etc ... and the person can check off ALL that apply to what he/she is looking for/open to?

Of course people will lie, but we already have that going on. At least it would be clearer - and I think less prone to lying - than "wants/doesn't want relationship."
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 8
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/29/2010 2:34:42 PM
Your many categories, while entertaining, are less useful for self-reported computer matching than a few basic generally used terms, IMO. Self-reported definitions are the major issues interfering with accurate matching, as everyone sees themselves through their own subjective filters, levels of introspection and veracity.

There may be some standardized tests of relationship intentions/needs out there, but our own "Blink" is what most people prefer to use to choose a SO. That is why more personal choices in who we see and what we search for is better than less options, and I wish Bigfish would bring back the "Remove username from MY MATCHES" option. S
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 9
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/29/2010 3:09:38 PM
In my observation and experience ...
I define dating as, for the most part:
social engagements for the purpose of determining ongoing romantic "relationship" compatibility.
Nearly every man (not all) I've communicated with/met/dated from PoF defines dating as, for the most part:
social engagements for the purpose of locating a one-time sex partner, or a short-term on-going sex partner "relationship."

This disconnect is a common forum topic.
Many women (not all) seem to define it the way I do, and post about how many men here (not all) seem to define it the same way men I've encountered do.

If people can't manage to share a definition of a "basic generally used term" like "dating," I can't see how the even more nebulous label "wants/doesn't want a relationship" is going to be a site improvement.

Ditto for "friends" and "activity partner" and "long-term" and "other relationship."
The only thing I see majority agreement on is "Intimate Encounter."

It appears that
1. I'm looking for casual dating, no commitment.
2. I want to date but nothing serious.
will be translated by PoF onto profiles as: doesn't want a R

3. I want a relationship.
4. I am putting in serious effort to find someone.
5. I am serious and want to find someone to marry.
will be translated by PoF onto profiles as: wants a R

I see this as very confusing.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 10
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/29/2010 3:45:50 PM
In my observation and experience ... You seem smarter than the average bear, and I tend to agree with those observed generalizations. What some of us are doing here, is seeking the "not all" relationship partners. Most relationships begin with a "Blink" on one or both person's part. That "Blink" attraction matters immensely to whether or not any connection or "relationship" develops. Many men initially focus on that attraction and not much further, unless they have a wide and varied life experience with several fulfilling long-term relationships. For many men the long-term part evolves if they feel nurtured enough.

With age and experience men learn the benefits of lasting relationships over encounters, and can see beyond the "Blink" to try to determine if there is enough nurturing feelings and shared interests in common with a particular woman for the long term. Some of us more experienced men won't even begin a relationship unless we see that potential there.

Making wiser choices "Smart Women- Foolish Choices" is part of everyone's second greatest challenge in life, in my book, finding a compatible long-term SO relationship. S
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 11
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 10:24:29 AM

I'm going to add it to the profiles. I don't think putting this person wants to get married on a profile is a good idea. So its going to be summerized as This user wants a relationship or This user does not want a relationship .


Herein lies the problem, IMO.

I still have not chosen anything from the list, because of this.
Right now I am at a place in my life where I am not actively
pursuing a relationship, but if the right person came along,
we began dating , and things went well, of course I would
be open to having an exclusive relationship.

Having something on my profile that says 'This user DOES NOT
want a relationship" will be detrimental in this regard,
IMO.

And there is of course, as Jinx pointed out, the likelihood that
men and women (most) have different definitions for what
constitutes dating and relationships.

I dunno, I just don't see how this is going to help people find
a good match.

 markus
Joined: 3/27/2001
Msg: 12
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 12:06:04 PM
Its now being forced...

The major reason being people are selecting hang out or friends but really want long term relationships.. The whole friends before dating thing is causing confusion. About 30 % of people who selected dating want no commitments or relationships.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 13
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 12:31:09 PM
I would think those that would like to be in a long term relationship eventually in the future, would have Dating selected. For those that are currently looking to be in a LTR, would have "Long Term" selected.

I joined POF nearly 2 years ago, and haven't had one relationship off of this site and kept it that way for a reason. I didn't join POF to form long term relationships.


The major reason being people are selecting hang out or friends but really want long term relationships.


Perhaps for some people, but for the most part, whenever I came across profiles of men looking for "Friends," they were usually searching for FWB and not looking for anything serious.

I honestly think "Hang Out" should be axed, because many people place "Hang Out" and "Dating" under the same category.


The whole friends before dating thing is causing confusion.


Bet. I laugh at profiles with the whole "Friends first" nonsense implied.
 fl_fruitloop
Joined: 9/24/2009
Msg: 14
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 12:42:28 PM

Its now being forced...


I guess that explains why I had to comply this evening. Glad I knew there was a forum to check.
 damnyankee1977
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 15
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 12:45:35 PM
Yea, what jinx said. None of those drop down boxes fit me and what I want, and even more so doesn't fit when it's made even more generic by Markus when posted on our profiles.

Friends before dating is confusing but the choices you gave us are clear?? Hmmm, no wonder this site is turning to complete shyte. Yea, I know, don't gripe about a free site. Guess as long as it's free, I'll be here. Guys in my area don't read one single written word in my profile anyway, so it won't matter.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 16
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:14:44 PM

From admin: Its now being forced...


Once again a NOW mandatory feature that will enable liars to say what they think others want to hear. Yay!(*sarcasm*) It's also going to open a new catagory of "whine" similar to "real woman/man" "good/nice woman/man" I.E. "If their profile says they want a relationship why not me?" etc etc. It will also give those looking to play games or lie a new layer to hide behind. In the end it will prove most likely as useless as the income feature, since high income or low or no income-the matches stayed the same.


About 30 % of people who selected dating want no commitments or relationships.


Which means 70% want commitment or relationships, but don't want to put the cart before the horse. Or are open to the option if the right person came along, but not going to thumb their nose at spending some fun times with another person along the way.

And what type of relationship does the person want? Relationship is a pretty broad term. Guess I'll start checking out all those other free dating sites advertised on here. So I guess I should be thankful for that. Since this site seems to be trying to push its members to its competition.
 boringgal
Joined: 1/31/2010
Msg: 17
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:17:19 PM
**You can not view or reply to messages until you update your intent below.** This is a bad idea. Users who have not read this forum will not realize why they suddenly can no longer view or reply to messages, and they may not find the any of the options in the drop down box appropriate. Not everything is black and white. Also, most people do not like to be "forced". This is one of the things that lead to the fall of communism!
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 18
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:19:31 PM

Its now being forced ...


Hmmm..in what way? Another question I have, is will
this be implemented into the search parameters as well?
Will there be drop downs saying "looking for relationship"
and "not looking for relationship"?


The major reason being people are selecting hang out or friends but really want long term relationships.. The whole friends before dating thing is causing confusion. About 30 % of people who selected dating want no commitments or relationships.


So you're basically forcing me (and others) to choose, right now,
if we want to casually date, or want a relationship. And, whatever
option we choose pigeonholes us. If I choose casually date, guys think
I'm an easy score, and I start getting hit up (even more) by pervs and
creeps. If I choose relationship, every guy thinks I'm looking to land me
a husband.

What is the purpose of this feature again? I'm not being facetious, I genuinely
don't see how it will improve anyone's odds.



IMO it doesn't really change much, and makes it easier to negatively misinterpret someone's intentions, all while giving simply one more thing to use to blame the other person and feel a victim.

IMO all this seems to be doing is attempting to give a false sense of guarantee of predefining the relationship people are going to get. As though POF is now guaranteeing the people that come here are "serious" and looking for a "serious" romantic relationship, and only romantic relationships.

Saying "this user does not want a relationship" can imply that they are actively working against any type of relationship . So what is the point in being here at all if someone is going to actively work against any type of relationship? Are people that then choose "this user does not want a relationship" (maybe because they think it means they are looking for one immediately, only means romantic relationship rather than simply friends or activity partner or hang out, or are going to try with every single person they meet and don't want to convey that message) then going to simply be ignored?
Is it going to become "you chose that you don't want a relationship? Then you must simply want sex or to use me."


This I agree with.

I guess we'll have to wait and see what the effects are of this
new feature. I just really don't like that I am being forced to choose
right now what I am looking for, and not have the option to change
it in the future.
 Munkeechi
Joined: 11/25/2008
Msg: 19
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:38:41 PM
While I'm totally against the idea of being forced to put this information in, I think in my case it just *might* help a bit. I constantly get emails from guys who are expecting that I'm going to leap off my couch to meet them, meanwhile my profile states I'm here for email only since I'm really here for the forums. Perhaps now with this section stating I don't want to date (at least anybody from here... too shy for internet dating) some of the incessant emails asking me to meet them and then getting pissy when I say no and explain why.. will stop.

But then again, that presupposes people actually read profiles, which after 5 years of being here I've learned they never do.
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 20
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:44:52 PM
So, this is what I just discovered on a profile
(I was randomly checking profiles for "intent"):



username isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment.




username is looking for a relationship.


Are these the only two that will be showing up? If so, it leaves
a lot of grey area, IMO.
 Looking in Irving
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 21
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:45:51 PM
I think that forcing us to choose one is a horrible idea! For starters, my intentions differ from person to person. I might like to see one person periodically, but another I might want a steady relationship. I might come on here with marriage as an ultimate goal, but forcing me to choose one puts me in the position of lying to potential fish. That question is tantamount to "Don't ask don't tell!" I already had the misfortune of meeting one woman that I was really into but we went on three dates and she basically wondered why I didn't want to move in immediately. How much tougher would it have been if I chose marriage as my goal. You'd be making me a liar for wanting to take it slow. Please remove this. It'll cause nothing but problems...soon and often.
 affliction777
Joined: 4/21/2009
Msg: 22
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:52:54 PM
Stupid idea, please get rid of this.
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 23
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:53:36 PM

Its now being forced...

Ah, Hobson's Choice. Well, it is a free site.
Now I'm reluctant to log in to the dating side.

The closest for me are #1 and #5. Quite the paradox. But, I think, perfectly normal for many of the perfectly normal users.
We want to date (not get laid, not plan a wedding, not plan a life) off this site, and when the right person comes along, we want to commit exclusively to that person long-term.

I don't want to pick #1, since, I think
1) that the "rutting goats" of PoF will translate "doesn't want a relationship" into "slut," and no amount if IE filtering will stop them
2) that the decent men of PoF who are open to a long-term committed relationship will also translate "doesn't want a relationship" into "slut."

I don't want to pick #5, because it scares me off, just like all the #5 men on this site scare me off. It's that bizarre "catalog" mentality where they've "sold" themselves on me before meeting me.


The major reason being people are selecting hang out or friends but really want long term relationships.. The whole friends before dating thing is causing confusion. About 30 % of people who selected dating want no commitments or relationships.

Wouldn't it be better to have the "looking for" changed to address the actual problems?
- Friends/hang out, platonic
- Friends/hang out, sexual
- Friends/hang out before dating
- Dating, casual
- Dating, looking for long-term
 myturn2findlove
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 24
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 2:02:05 PM
I am looking for dating that will hopefully lead to a long term relationship.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 25
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 2:09:24 PM
Well it appears that if you don't fill out your intent, you can't access or send messeges or edit your profile. Hence how administration is "FORCING" us to choose.

I guess that means my profile will show my intent as "Doesn't want a relationship" and my about me section explaining I refuse to have my "types" of possible relationships defined by POF. Guess It will just add more to my profile that people don't read. But since I use this to kee up with various friends as well as meet new people as friends or dates or networking, Blah. I'll comply, but since there aren't better options, I'll take the truthful one. NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP(on POF), but open to the possibility. I'll just have to edit my profile to explain it in detail. Grr. Forcing people to have to further explain something that should be part of initial convos. Helllo NANNY STATE. Ugh!

Ok done now since I will probably be locked out of this thread like I was the one about sibling order........ The thinngs we do for free entertainment.
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