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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?      Home login  
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 Murtaugh
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 1
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
The girl I'm seeing says that her ex is the only 'girlfriend' (not a typo) she has. She said she can talk to him about anything, even me. Two weeks ago it was a stag they went to and he slept on her couch. Last week a wedding where she slept at his place because it was late. Today she tells me that they went for lunch and are at the movies right now. Ive told her it bothers me a lot and she told me she wouldn't stop hanging out with him. Once before I was with a girl for almost 2 years and she went back to her ex and I don't want to deal with that again. She's telling me not to worry and nothing will happen between them and that there ship has sailed. Every time I see or hear his name I cringe now and just want to blow up. What should I do?
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 2
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 6:42:11 PM
This is going to drive you insane, especially since this has happened to you before.

If you haven't been seeing this young lady for long, maybe it would be a good idea to bow out.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 3
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 6:56:00 PM
You could become friends with him too. The three (or four if he has a date) should hang out and he and you should get to know each other. Then everyone can be okay with each other. You'll then be more comfortable with them hanging out together, and you'll go sometimes too.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 4
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 6:58:41 PM
OP your making it sound as if she is spending all her free time with her ex??? Is this the case?
If so, I think it might be best for you to bow out gracefully........
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 5
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 7:01:42 PM
Move on... If she cared enough she would not do that to you...

It takes a certain type of person to tolerate that kind of a relationship, and they are very few and far between. Most people who tend to do that are not that emotionally involved with their SO (you in this case). Most people in relationships have boundaries, and if this is not one you are comfortable with it really is time to bow out as the above poster suggested...

The good thing is that not many women would do that...Just a few.....

Good luck...
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 6
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 7:13:55 PM
Yeah, like the lady above said, ask the ex around to hang with yall.
You can take his measure then.
If he still has the hots for your girl he's always gonna cause trouble behind your back.
You can tell just by meeting him a few times.

But as a rule, it's bad news to put an ex over the present squeeze.
If your girl is doing that, find another.
If her bond with him is more important than bonding with you, this won't last.
 LonsomeWolf
Joined: 6/2/2010
Msg: 7
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 7:33:27 PM
I concur. Those actions of hers would be bothersome to most people. This being the case
a cab fair would be worth it if it saved your mate from any grief or anxiety pertaining to a "sleep over". If your mate did not consider this then that would be selfish. Also if "he" never considered this then that would be "suspicious".

Good Luck and I completely understand what that feels like . Pssst "sleep overs"......
oldest excuse in the book.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 8
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 7:44:43 PM
"What should I do?"

She wants to be friends with him, it makes you nuts, obviously. What's the question? If something makes you nuts, why bother? The simple fact is she wants it "her way" and you don't.

I see resentment building, when it reaches the level of your going off on her, she will break it off, or you will. To me, why wait? Move on and find somebody who's done with their EX.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 9
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 8:32:28 PM

You could become friends with him too. The three (or four if he has a date) should hang out and he and you should get to know each other. Then everyone can be okay with each other. You'll then be more comfortable with them hanging out together, and you'll go sometimes too.

So tell me, Why would a guy want to be 'friends' with the guy who used to fcuk his girlfirend?
I personally have no interest in meeting any guy who used to be with my lover... I'd rather roll naked in crushed glass....

This thread is a perfect example of why so many people are against having their partner hang out with the Ex...
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 10
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 8:37:08 PM

She said she can talk to him about anything, even me.

And he's probably bad-mouthing you all the time... "Oh you can do so much better than him..."
If my girlfriend spoke to her Ex about me, she would have to choose the Ex or me and I wouldn't debate it.... Talking about you to your Ex is low... No way I would put up with that....

Ive told her it bothers me a lot and she told me she wouldn't stop hanging out with him.

I bet her Ex is telling her to tell you that too.

Here's an idea, tell her that you think it would be good if the two of you set up her EX with a great girl. Tell her you know this really 'hot' sexy chick who would be perfect... see what her reaction is... Bet she tries to talk you out of it....
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 11
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/8/2010 8:47:15 PM
Sounds like she's dating her ex right under your nose. Where were you when they attended this things together? And he sleeps on her couch, come on, I'm all for not being jealous and exes being friends but this is ridiculous. She's making a mockery of her relationship with you and he's having a great laugh behind your back.
 Nu2010
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 12
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 9:53:47 AM
In my case, YES. I am not dating anyone at the present time and my ex #1 has contacted me and wants to take me out on a date. We have been divorced longer than we were married. I guess he figured he let the "Good One" get away, it took him long enough.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 13
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 9:59:48 AM
It wouldn't be ok with me and I'd dump her, but what you do is up to you.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 14
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 10:03:15 AM
Leave her... she's not willing to not see him and you're not willing to trust her.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 15
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 10:30:15 AM

The girl I'm seeing says that her ex is the only 'girlfriend' (not a typo) she has. She said she can talk to him about anything, even me.


While I've felt that way with my exes it was mainly just that they were familiar and that they already knew a lot about me to begin with. I'm pretty private with deep emotions unless I know someone intimately. She needs to break away from this type of thinking yet she probably will not do that quickly or easily at such a young age. She is too dependent on his thoughts and her heart is still somewhat emotionally attached even if she thinks it isn't. That keeps her from getting too close to you.


Two weeks ago it was a stag they went to and he slept on her couch. Last week a wedding where she slept at his place because it was late.


This is way too close for just a friendship and is not fair to you at all. I do believe she or he still have feelings beyond friendship going on.


Today she tells me that they went for lunch and are at the movies right now. Ive told her it bothers me a lot and she told me she wouldn't stop hanging out with him.


Talking to an ex is one thing but she has taken it way beyond just talking.


Ive told her it bothers me a lot and she told me she wouldn't stop hanging out with him.


She is way too insensitive to your feelings and her stating that she will not stop seeing him even though it bothers you says that she puts more stock in her friendship with him than she does a relationship with you.

You could try the "lets go out together, all of us" but I really do not think she is over her ex enough for your relationship to work out.

If it were me, in your situation, I would stop dating her and then not date for a while till you can determine why you are picking women that are not fully committed to a relationship with only you,.
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 16
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 10:35:01 AM
Op What can happen, WILL!!!!.

If it were me, I would be gone. This is not something that can be fixed. This type of behavior and lack of concern for her SO's feelings is hardwired into her through her formative years of growing. She sounds very self centered and selfish. She sees you as a doormat and the ex is laughing all the way to the bedroom I am sure.

Of course every time you bring this up with , I am sure she will turn it around as to you being needy and jealous. If you treated her with this behavior, she would probably be telling you how wrong you are.

I know it seems harsh to you, but your best et would be to walk away before you are raising the ex's kid and thinking it's yours, not to mention STDs etc.

Best of luck to you.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 17
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 10:43:47 AM
I'm firmly in the "People can have healthy friendships with their exes" camp. If nothing else, it sounds like she's honest with you about how much time she's spending with him.

However, you need to figure out whether you can be okay with their friendship, since she's made it clear that she values that friendship and isn't willing to give it up. Can you be okay with it? Have you met him? If not, would meeting him and becoming friends with him as well be helpful to you? If you truly can't deal with it, and/or if you don't feel you can trust her, then you have every right to let it be a deal-breaker. If it's not a deal-breaker, then figure out how to cope with it and make sure you're communicating with her about why it bothers you, and whether there's anything she can do to help reassure you that she values your relationship.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 10:49:54 AM
I would have an issue with it. Lunch once in a while no problem but sleepovers and using him to bounce relationship issues off of? No way, she's playing games.
I do believe people can be on friendly terms with an Ex, but there is usually a good reason for it. Did they grow up together, have a decade of history, have children together etc? But at 21 or 22 its usually because somebody is looking to get laid.
 Bobis35
Joined: 6/4/2010
Msg: 19
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 11:22:34 AM
If it makes you feel uncomfortable then no, it is not okay. I don't understand why people hang out with their exes unless they are parents and or divorced with children. Why would one want to hang out with an ex?
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 20
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 11:31:51 AM
The only time I hang out with my ex is at family events because we share kids and grandkids. Sounds like your girlfriend is spending 90% of her free time with her ex and that ain't good.

You've told her your uncomfortable with their relationship, yet she continues to spend time with him. Doesn't sound like she cares that much about you.

Honestly, if someone was disrespecting me that much, I'd have to walk away.
 cmd1957a
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 21
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 12:02:22 PM
Its not Ok because obviously it is not Ok with you. It doesnt matter if anything is happening or not, you think it is and are waiting for the second shoe to drop. You can live your life that way if you choose, by why would you?
 tarotdream
Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 22
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 2:38:48 PM
Good luck forbidding her seeing him.
It seems that the matter of priorities has been settled.

How much time have you spent with him? If he was someone you met, would you like him?

Don't make any statements you're not willing to back up.

That ship has sailed, but, you know, it's any port in a storm.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 2:48:33 PM

But as a rule, it's bad news to put an ex over the present squeeze.
If your girl is doing that, find another.


I agree with this.

Also, you need to find out a couple of things. One, was she sexually intimate with this ex? If she wasn't, then it means that she wanted to be emotionally safe, not sexually attracted with the guy and when it did not work, she realize that he was better as a girlfriend. So as some other said. Meet the guy.

I personally would tell her that she has to make a choice. One thing is to have an ex as a friend that you see on occasion and chew the fat. Another is one that she still hangs out. Either way, start looking for another girl.
 brown_eyed_woman
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 24
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 3:03:17 PM
Im all for keeping freinds we had before we meet new people who we date...however, if you feel funny about it, then you should act. She can be as virtuous as a saint, but you feel funny about this, so why should you hang around?

I can see her point too...if she doesnt feel anything romantic for the ex, she wont likely even go there...but like I said, you feel funny about it, listen to your gut instinct. It is warning you for a reason.
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 25
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is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 6/9/2010 5:06:15 PM

Nope.

2 is company. 3 is a crowd. Find a different woman that actually sees you as important and wants to spend time with you . . .



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