| | Weird third date and mixed signalsPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | I went out with him for food and drinks. He paid for the first two dates and this time he suggested we split it. Am I wrong to think this is a bad sign and that he's just not that into me? By the way, I offered to leave the tip first and THEN he said I think we should split it. I'm not against paying or splitting it per say, but for some reason I think that if he really liked me he would have just picked up the check. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned.
He told me he got a lot of mixed signals from me on date #2. I'm not sure how, but I think I made my interest pretty clear on date 3 and got a lot of mixed signals back one of which was the check. I don't know why but that sort of left me feeling flat.
What do you think? | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 1:54:25 PM | If he got "mixed signals" from you on the second date
By the third date he is thinking you are not into him
So he doesn't want to pay for your meal anymore
Either that or he is on a tight budget and wants to let you know the first two were on him but from now on if you want to keep dating him, is dutch all the way! | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 2:04:32 PM | It doesn't sound like your "mixed signals" on date #3 were mixed at all. He probably figured out that you expect a guy to pay for everything on every date.
If you're not against paying or splitting it "per se", why didn't you offer to do just that? Do you define a man's interest in you by whether or not he pays for everything?
An easy way to avoid uncomfortable situations like this is to trade off. He pays for dinner, you pay for the movie, drinks, or whatever. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 2:17:09 PM | I think the OP see's date #3's request to pay as a step backward.. so she appears to be the type that constantly evaluates the state of the relationship.
And OP... using the fall back of "I'm old fashioned" I'm guessing only applies to dating, and not in other areas of your life? A guy paying for the date is old fashioned, but so is the thinking that a woman's place is in the kitchen/laundry/bedroom... are you old fashioned enough to accept that?
I didn't think so.
Bluez | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 3:05:30 PM |
I went out with him for food and drinks. He paid for the first two dates and this time he suggested we split it. Am I wrong to think this is a bad sign and that he's just not that into me? By the way, I offered to leave the tip first and THEN he said I think we should split it. I'm not against paying or splitting it per say, but for some reason I think that if he really liked me he would have just picked up the check.
So now that he's paid for 2 dates... you are in a comfort zone and feel a bad sign that you have to pay for your 1/2?
He has to "pay for the 3rd one to show that he likes you?"
(Makes me wonder what the conversations during dinner were about.. if "Paying for dinner" is the deciding factor of weather or not you would date him again.)
*shakes head*
Maybe I'm just old-fashioned.
No.... you just aren't on the same page as him. That can qualify as new fashioned or old fashioned.
I don't know why but that sort of left me feeling flat.
He's the one paying.. if anyone should be feeling flat.. it's him. He's probably just making sure you aren't trying to squeeze as many dinners out of him as you can before ultimately turning him down...
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 3:40:19 PM | Ehh...you may want to think about not going for food and drinks, at least on the FIRST meetup. It can be awkward, but as of yet (knock on wood) I haven't run into this situation, the few times I meet someone I'll tell them I prefer just meet for a drink (ice cream....that's okay too!). That way it's quick (hopefully painless) and fairly reasonable. The whole thing, what I'm thinking is wow it must have been a bad date if anyone's thinking of who's going to pay. I usually get there first and have my drink paid for so I can bolt if need be.
I'm old fashioned too in some ways (yeah just laugh now and get it over with...) but if I want to be treated as an equal, then I expect to act as an equal. This may or may not include offering to pay, tip, split a check...whatever. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 3:45:39 PM | If he's expected to pay for all of the dating expenses...what might he expect in return? Should he expect sex by the third date? Would lack of the same leave him "flat".
I offered to leave the tip first and THEN he said I think we should split it.
Quite possibly an assertion that the benefit of company is mutual and not compensatory. In other words...your presence does not entitle you to anything more than his does.
I'm not against paying or splitting it per say, but for some reason I think that if he really liked me he would have just picked up the check.
If this were true...then why this thread. Why didn't you "just pick up the check?
Edit: The signal I'm getting is that you believe you are more valuable than he is. I wonder if those are the signals he was getting on date 2 | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 4:44:16 PM | OP, can you pick a number by when the man does not have to foot the bill anymore? Obviously it's not the first three dates. 5?10? 100? Forever?
I find the whole tip thing pretty useless. You can split or take turns. Leaving an average tip of 15% still means that he pays more than 6 times as much as you. Or in other words, after 6+ such dates you would have paid for one (no tip). Money got tighter these days and for you it appears to be a turn-off. Old-fashioned means the man pays for the first date. Even in case of a split he would have paid three times as much as you for dates 2 and 3 combined, so he is not exactly stingy. If I were you I'd be digging elsewhere. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 7:04:07 PM | If youre already expecting a man to pay for the dates prior to even being a relationship with him (a 3rd date doesnt equate to a relationship), then you have some issues. Personally, Id be more embarrassed of my expectations, rather than questioning his actions.
Stop over analyzing what hes said and done. He most likely hasnt given it much more thought. And really, why is there a need? | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 7:20:32 PM |
I'm not against paying or splitting it per say, but for some reason I think that if he really liked me he would have just picked up the check. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned
No... you are against it. You're against it because you think it means a guy is not interested in you, and you're against it because you're old-fashioned that way. Be honest with yourself. :)
He told me he got a lot of mixed signals from me on date #2
Well, in what way did he say that? Guys can throw that out there if they were wracking their brain over mixed signals -- ie they want it to be clear. If you DID (not just feel) you made your interest pretty clear on date #3, and you DID (not just feel) get mixed signals from him, he may have just been a little immature and playing the "see how this feels?" game with you. I wasn't there, I wouldn't know if it was warranted or not.
Basically, to some people, they can be impatient. If you're not ga-ga about them, you don't have enough interest. Accepting a date is not interest enough for someone -- which I agree alone shouldn't be. But it's genuine interest -- not interesting in going OUT, but interest in HIM. However, I wasn't there, so I don't know how either of you SHOULD have felt. Splitting the check given that cat or mouse game you guys had -- yeah, him wanting to split the check after offering the tip may have been lack of interest. Or...
I don't know why but that sort of left me feeling flat.
... you feeling that way near the end made him think you lost interest (a mixed signal to him, warranted or not)... and a guy is more wanting to split a bill if he thinks the GIRL lost interest in him... or is frustrated with her.
IMO, it sounds like you guys ended up getting off on the wrong foot -- not meshing well in reading each others' expressions. I would text him and say "Hey, I got some mixed signals from you, which may have sent some mixed ones of mine, after clearly expressing interest earlier. I think we both need to clear the air and get rid of all the mixing signal stuff and have fun -- agreed?" And see what he says. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/10/2010 7:37:36 PM | Oh great. Just another thread, which will eventually turn into the typical men vs. women debate about who should pay. 
OP,
Don't kid yourself. You are one of those women who feels that a man should pay for each date. Frankly, I don't see how a man paying for 1-2 dates is a sign that he isn't interested. When it comes down to dating, some equality is necessary.
The guy paid for the first couple of dates, so what was the big deal in you paying for the third? You're just using "old fashioned" as an excuse to have your dates continue giving you free meals and drinks. Most men aren't dumb, and perhaps this guy is getting the feeling that you are a freeloader.
Personally, I feel that a man paying for the first couple of dates is more than fair. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 3:34:58 AM |
Am I wrong to think this is a bad sign and that he's just not that into me?
Probably not, although he probably was into you until you let him pick up the tab on the third date.
What do you think?
I think you ought to indicate your interest by paying for a date.
but for some reason I think that if he really liked me he would have just picked up the check. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned.
In that case, guys may lose interest for other reasons as well. Get used to it, decide to update your perspective on dating to the 21st century or date guys who are 60+ and haven't adjusted.
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 4:42:30 AM | More than likely he was getting mixed signals on the first couple of dates,,,and then REALLY mixed up by the end of the third. And I have only come to this assumption/conclusion by reading your own words that you have typed. I can only imagine what he feels with the verbal version.
Honestly,,,,in the reality of it all,,,this situation isn't such a big deal,,unless you make it so. Men of today, continually are being fed the line that women out there are standing on their own two feet, and WANT to be "equals" in our society. You,,,obviously, have a different version of it. So be it. Better for him to understand you now,,,than later. And if you think about it,,,it's way better for you too. This way you can find someone that enjoys the "old fashion" version of the way women were,,,,,,,,wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back when.
I'm also betting that the "communication" between the two of you wasn't so good. Comprehension of what people are saying is a very big part of good comunication and a failure on a lot of people. You(or he) maybe "hearing" something that the other really isn't saying. If you like the guy,,,,you should probably try and converse about what you are trying to ask us strangers here. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 6:02:51 AM | " I'm not against paying or splitting it per say, but for some reason I think that if he really liked me he would have just picked up the check. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned."
^^^^Maybe he was thinking, if she really liked me she would of split the check and maybe I am not old-fashioned. ^^^ Nah I see nothing old fashioned here, I mean, unless you had two elder family members chaperone the date, and ended the date by sitting on a courting bench and having two elder adults separte you two when you got to close to each other. So many mixed signals about being so called equal these days. Also I would not call that weird 3rd date signals, I would call asking to split the check common sense. Cheers. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 6:55:39 AM | What's wrong with saying "hey, I'll pick this one up, you got the other two and it's my turn."? He either says he feels weird when a woman pays or he says okay. This will tell you volumes about what he expects from you, role wise. Just as your negative reaction to him asking for you to chip in on the bill speaks volumes about you.
OP, if you think that the guy should always pick up the tab maybe that guy is thinking your primary motivation is to find someone to fund your lifestyle. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 6:57:24 AM | | You should always offer to split the check, no one should ever feel obligated to pay for your company. You are getting mixed signals, he is getting mixed signals. Maybe it is just not meant to be. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 4:17:35 PM | He told me he got a lot of mixed signals from me on date #2. I'm not sure how, but I think I made my interest pretty clear on date 3 and got a lot of mixed signals back one of which was the check. I don't know why but that sort of left me feeling flat. Did you start to make your interest MORE clear when you were afraid you may have to help pay? Why wouldn't you pay if that is the way in which you think people display interest? Hmm?
Oh, well. Looks fade and the hotness factor decreases on proportion with encroaching age. Time to adjust your expectations. Maybe an older guy would fall for being Daddy Warbucks.  | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 4:25:37 PM | | I think it's nice to take a guy out sometimes, treat him like the classy man that he is. In this case, he took you out twice and paid, so it wouldn't hurt to invite him and pay the check, establishes a good pattern for the relationship. It takes two. Good luck! | |
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| | Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 4:44:52 PM | I'm so tired of this petty argument.
OP if this is already an issue between you, it doesn't look good.
I always offer to pay my own way, I fully expect that I will pay for my meal.
The guys who let me do so early on, often end up in the dreaded "friend zone."
Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.
Everyone here talks about equality like it's some Holy Grail.
Personally, I dont much care for equality. If I wanted my equal I'd be a lesbian.
You want equality? Then be prepared to be buddies. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 6:22:24 PM |
Everyone here talks about equality like it's some Holy Grail.
Actually,,,men have had it thrown in our faces for a century or two,,,by those that don't have any clue of what "equality" means. What I found quite a bit is the constant "I am woman,,,hear me roar" discussion,,,but when push comes to shove,,,they turn back the clock quite quickly,,,and use the "old fashion girl" arguement. Feeble and weak,,,at best.
Reread some of the posts here and there about this,,,and you will quickly understand why men now have no idea which way is up,,,,,or down. Don't blame us for the confusion. | |
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| | Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 21 | |
| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 6:36:15 PM | Don't blame us for the confusion.
I'm not confused about what I want, and I don't think blame is appropriate in any case. | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 7:01:42 PM | Quite possibly an assertion that the benefit of company is mutual and not compensatory. In other words...your presence does not entitle you to anything more than his does. Women are doing men BIG favors just by permitting us to be in their presence. Where have you been? *shakes head*.
But yeah this guy screwed up big time. He should've kept the cash flowing if he a least wants to retain the possible hope of getting a little somethin somethin eventually but it sounds like maybe he decided things were fizzling or was simply going broke. If he couldn't afford it that's his fault for coming to the game unprepared. | |
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| | Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 24 | |
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| Weird third date and mixed signals
Posted: 6/11/2010 8:08:37 PM | | Don't forget the old BJ in the car while sticking your right hand in the change tray! Just don't take his hot sauce packets in the glove box (certain things you just don't do). | |
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