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 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 1
how do you handle first long distance dates? Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
how have people here handled long distance first dates?
i want to be respectful, yet also put in boundaries.

when the person lives close by we can call it a first meet,..or we can just go for it and go on a date..but we each get to go home in a few hours.(or less)
but when, after e mails and phone calls, the person drives for hours, or flys from long distance, to meet you in person, rents a hotel for a few days near your town,...you cant have that first meet..

it turns into a very long date. meeting the person,...lunch, then later dinner,..then the next morning going to get together again,..
i find this extremely draining. how do you handle this?
one person usually has more energy and wants you to spend almost every minute with them. but you Just met.

i have been in this situation several times. the man spends his money and time to come meet me,..and i begin to feel very exhausted after hours of being together,..yet i want to be accomodating and polite. sometimes i end up having to show him the town and all the sights for 3 days. what i really wanted was to get to know him and him me. the pressure ruins it. sometimes during a dates stay,..i need to work, or take care of my children and i do not want to bring my date to my home or work.

how have other people here handled first long distance meets?
and what if you know on the first day that you are not going to be interested, but your date has a 3 day visit planned? Help!!! (help now if you can....:) )
 Grigori Rasputin
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 2
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 4:51:00 PM
you couldn't pay me enough to date long distance. too many variables.

i would call the first night short. maybe lunch or a small dinner but nothing after.

start the second day late. and run that into whatever hour you decide to call it a night

day 3, meet up for lunch and say goodbyes..

or

spin the bottle and go that way.


good luck.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 3
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 5:15:07 PM
A big variable would be how long a distance it is. If I drive 2 hours (which I have done), I would expect more time than a 30 minute coffee date, but not more than one evening.

Long distance takes planning. I think the thing to do is to clearly communicate that an evening together is what you're planning (assuming the date goes well), and no more than that. If it doesn't go well, you're not obligated to spend more time with someone than what you're comfortable with. Those are the risks one takes when meeting anyone, even if it's long distance.

If meeting someone involves airline tickets, they live too far away for my tastes. I wouldn't get involved with someone who lives that far away.
 pamsfl
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 4
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 5:35:44 PM
I would maturely discuss the fact that there may indeed not be great chemistry, and promise to be honest with each other after the first night. If there are no sparks to say, you can still have a good time as friends. Plan a couple simple activities, as well as some time he might be able to go out on his own. If you got along to this point and you are both mature and realistic, you can still have a nice visit and part as good friends.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 5
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 5:42:35 PM
If they are going to be in my area for some other reason and they want to make plans to meet quick while they are here, that's cool - as a fun thing to do with no real solid direction.

If I have to actually entertain them while they are here and/or they are here specifically to meet me (and that means they live more than 30 minutes away) it's too intense, and I don't really do overly intense first meets. I like it to be light, casual and something we can both easily squash should we not want to continue it. Once you know you're not really a match it can be hard for one or both of you to keep on hanging out if one is stuck somewhere far from home.

But even if it does turn into a mutual interest, from there in my case it'd be hard to maintain any type of consistency beyond it without a lot of driving and overnight sleepovers (or hotel room renting), so I tend not to consider it in the first place.
 rocketship51
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 6
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 5:58:31 PM
If "several times" men have flown/driven great distances and/or undertaken large expense to meet you...then I would venture a guess that you're far more of an expert in this area than many of us on POF :) Also, I wonder why you keep agreeing to it (meeting men from far away) , given that it (apparently) has proven uncomfortable in the past? The easy solution to this is....stick to men who live closer, then you can have a regular meet & greet!

I only attempted the LD thing once (600+ miles apart). Mercifully, it worked out when we met...had it not, I can't imagine the discomfort for us both! But, as another poster mentioned, we did set up "ground rules" for such an eventuality....such as that we'd still keep company, and do fun stuff, as friends, for the duration of the visit.

If you're in that situation right at this moment, then the best you can do is have an honest talk about not being a match, but do offer to continue with whatever plans had been made, in a friends-only fashion.
 Jackal123
Joined: 12/6/2009
Msg: 7
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 6:03:48 PM
If you are incapable of spending more than a day with someone, you have NO business asking someone to come meet you from long distance. Frankly, if someone is flying to meet you, there should be little to no chance of you "not being interested". If there is a decent chance of you not being interested, you are meeting way too soon, especially with how easy it is to cam with someone these days. Or god forbid you actually go fly to meet the guy...
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 8
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 6:04:00 PM
ok thankyou. i am. thing is he kissed me in the parking lot..
and i didnt like that.
so we are supposed to have dinner at the beach with a campfire. guess i will have to tell him it will be as a freind only???
 SteveinHP
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 9
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 6:34:44 PM
All depends on who you meet.

I met a woman 1000 miles away. Not on POF, or a dating site. Actually was from Facebook.

We decided to meet in Boston, she even paid for my tickets. That was bonus. She arranged it so we would both change planes in Atlanta. Well, it was instant attraction, right from the get go.

We wished Boston never ended.

I went down to Florida to see her in April. SHe is planning end of month. We get along great, and definitely have that feeling for each other.

Only thing keeping us apart is the kids factor. I do not want to move far from my kids and neither does she.

So we keep in touch and visit occasionally...


Sometimes life just sucks.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 10
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 7:35:46 PM

thing is he kissed me in the parking lot..
and i didnt like that.


Oh, there's your answer right there. You are not interested in him. Tell him now that you are not interested in him. Don't let him spend a lot of money and/or time to come see you.

I dated someone once who lives 2 hours away. One weekend I made the drive, booked and paid for a hotel room for two nights, only so she could break up with me. I would have much preferred that she did it on the phone and told me not to bother to come.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 8:16:24 PM
A big variable would be how long a distance it is. If I drive 2 hours (which I have done), I would expect more time than a 30 minute coffee date, but not more than one evening.

Long distance takes planning. I think the thing to do is to clearly communicate that an evening together is what you're planning (assuming the date goes well), and no more than that. If it doesn't go well, you're not obligated to spend more time with someone than what you're comfortable with. Those are the risks one takes when meeting anyone, even if it's long distance.

If meeting someone involves airline tickets, they live too far away for my tastes. I wouldn't get involved with someone who lives that far away.


I agree with this philosophy---I don't normally date anyone more than a two-hour drive from me unless they're a private pilot and are willing to fly to my city, or they already have plans to come to my city on business, or have friends/family here.

If a date doesn't pan out, a two-hour drive home is tolerable, but any more than that could be a big hassle.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 8:17:50 PM
seems like the lesson here is not to attempt anything with men who don't live close by, op. saves you the discomfort of such a circumstance in the future, and saves them the time, expense and effort.
 HappyLibra70
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 13
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 9:22:47 PM
Sheesh! You could have avoided the situation if you had only thought about such complications, and before you agreed to his visit, but no instead you created all this discomfort just so you can come here and complain about it! Wow just to think that you are how old? Oh yeah a 49 year old teenager.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 14
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 10:13:20 PM
^^ unfair criticism unless she proposed the circumstances of the meet and/or misled him about the chances they would hit it off.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 15
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 12:54:23 AM
ok well it turned out that i went to meet him again at the beach. this was our 4th meet (or date) in 2 days.
i was honest and told him i did not want to kiss him. everything went well.
turned out to be a good thing that we spent the time together as i found him to be a really nice gentleman.

my question was not for only this date. it was more to find out what other people do on long distance meetings, as i have met several men who live far away.
there must be a better way to do this than i have been doing.

also....to one poster: yes..i have also traveled to meet someone.
as far as distance goes, before i ever meet someone who lives far, we have already discussed the possibilities of the chances that if we end up wanting to be together,..
about if one of us would be able and willing to eventually relocate.

to the poster who said something about that there should be no chance we dont like each other..
sometimes ppl e mail and talk on the phone for quite a while. you can have a great feeling for someone. but it is not until you meet in person that you can really tell. things change, in person. sometimes for the better, sometimes not. its a chance that both people have to be willing to acknowledge and take.
if someone doesnt want to take that chance then they wont.
 NarcissusTemple
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 16
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 1:12:59 AM
I don't date people outside of an approximate 30-minute travel range.
It's not practical for on-going long-term dating.
I have this luxury because of the density of the population in which I live.

If I lived in a more rural setting of course that would change.
I'd definitely get into skyping/camming to get a better idea of the person before the meet.
I'd probably meet the person half way as well.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 17
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 1:27:52 AM
leftofnormal: i havent considered skyping or camming. could be a good idea.
i live in a fairly small town.
close to the town on my profile. i didnt even want to write it cuz its so small.
i can walk outside and see someone who looks familiar and a few times its been because of their photo on POF.
i had to get used to the fact that people might recognize me from on line when i go into the local library. at first i didnt know what to think about that. but i am used to it now and its been ok.
as for long distance..
i am able to relocate.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 18
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 3:17:16 AM
First rule of a date flying in to meet is.
Discourage them from just coming to town to see you.
I live in a popular tourist area so thats easy.

Make sure they get a hotel in an interesting part of the area that has things to do.
Let them know up front you will not be on call 24/7 to entertain.

You do have other obligations.They don't include him.

It's a 50/50 chance this guy is NOT your type at all.
Have some activities suggested he can do to enjoy your town/area when you are not available.

Be clear up front..
Do not go to his hotel nor take him to your home or work.

Have some tickets/coupons to a play, movie.,golf club or restaurant..Something in an envelope.
Just say I'm sorry I can't see you today/right now and hope you can make use of these if
you don't click.

Been there.If you don't like him he has been forewarned you have things to do that don't include him.


I do not encourage visits where men want to fly in unless they love historic towns and only expect lunch or dinner if they decide to see the area.
 sanyoman112
Joined: 3/21/2010
Msg: 19
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 4:36:42 AM

If I have to actually entertain them while they are here and/or they are here specifically to meet me (and that means they live more than 30 minutes away)


Wow....most of my dates are typically OVER 30 mins away. LOL Usually 45 to an hour....that's the "perks" of living in the suburbs I suppose.

If I ever do meet someone 30 mins or less drive from me, it's a rather rare treat.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 4:53:03 AM
I have never been successful at long distance but I suppose unless the person just happened to be coming to my area I would not encourage it. Having to entertain distant relatives or your SO's old college buddies is hard enough.
The ability to relocate is very different than the desire to relocate. If you have a larger city you have always wanted to live in your local dating will increase if you move there. But so many re-locations for love become hard cases of reality once you get there.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 21
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 4:56:40 AM
I don't.

Tried it 3 times in my dating "career". Didn't work at all. I'm going with those who say more than a few hours isn't going to be worth it.

If you live in such a small town, why not relocate? If you're having that much of an issue, why not move? Sure, it's not easy but if you're thinking that you may have better dating chances...it's a thought.

If you've got that many guys running to meet you, you should, as a host, take the time off from work. Oh...not a good idea? Well imagine the time and money they're spending to come and be with you. And it doesn't seem that you're that into it.

How do you expect him to know you and you know him if you don't show him around? The problem is that sitting down somewhere, say like his hotel, may lead to expectations of something that you aren't ready to provide. There are men who do long distance and have expectations of more than a night on the town (and women too...).

I honestly wouldn't continue doing it. The reason they're there for 3 days is YOU. They want to be with you. And if, as you say, after the first day you know it's not for you, then perhaps there wasn't enough screening done on your end. I know...sucky me for taking the fun out of it.

Here's my thing about LDR. If we want to do something on the fly...we can't. Every time we get together it's an "event" and becomes too important. You don't casually "date" s0meone who lives a plane ride away. There are way too many expectations for intimacy involved and if you're not ready for that then you've wasted their time and yours.

Either consider relocating, spend more time talking/skyping/webcamming with a potential date, or be upfront and say that you can't dedicate 3 days to them and that you need to be clear about that BEFORE THEY GET ON A PLANE. You're way too old to NOT be able to articulate that last thing. You need to be honest and let them know that you can't dedicate that time and that they may need to be on their own. Oh...I know...they might not come then right? Well that's the chance you're going to have to take. Fair is fair---if a guy's willing to blow money to see you, only to be shown the proverbial door before he knows he's gonna get it, you need to be adult enough to say a few things upfront so they don't feel like they've wasted their time and yours.
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 22
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 5:12:50 AM
OP, regardless of the distance it is still only a date & not a 24/7 adult baby sitting situation.lol

Since I love to travel,enjoy history,America & all it's various cultures & history,to travel, to met new people to date, it's all good.

I have met a few people here who lived far away & it was the most enjoyable of experiences in visiting these new areas.
And the first thing I say to a date to reassure her is, don't worry about me cuz I understand you have a life too. To burden a person 24/7 cuz your new in town is not appropriate & would not go well with me either. There is so much to do on you own & exploring to me, is taking it all in. Enjoy the trip.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 6:01:55 AM

First rule of a date flying in to meet is.
Discourage them from just coming to town to see you.
I live in a popular tourist area so thats easy.

Make sure they get a hotel in an interesting part of the area that has things to do.
Let them know up front you will not be on call 24/7 to entertain.

You do have other obligations.They don't include him.

It's a 50/50 chance this guy is NOT your type at all.
Have some activities suggested he can do to enjoy your town/area when you are not available.

Be clear up front..
Do not go to his hotel nor take him to your home or work.

Have some tickets/coupons to a play, movie.,golf club or restaurant..Something in an envelope.
Just say I'm sorry I can't see you today/right now and hope you can make use of these if
you don't click.

Been there.If you don't like him he has been forewarned you have things to do that don't include him.


I do not encourage visits where men want to fly in unless they love historic towns and only expect lunch or dinner if they decide to see the area.

LOVE this! Thanks PP - I totally agree with all of this.

Wow....most of my dates are typically OVER 30 mins away. LOL Usually 45 to an hour....that's the "perks" of living in the suburbs I suppose.

If I ever do meet someone 30 mins or less drive from me, it's a rather rare treat.

I live in a small state, so here 30 mins or more is a drive. Our main city is Providence (which I live in) and all suburbs are about 15-30 mins from there. Anyone living 40-60 mins away doesn't drive into the city unless they plan to make a day of it - that's just the mentality here. We live about 45 minutes from Boston, Mass and don't get there but once a year (or less). Too far. lol

10-20 minutes is perfect. Far enough away to have space and prevent them from using distance as an excuse to stay over, but close enough to get together on the fly.
 deltadallas
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 24
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how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 9:24:44 AM
this guy who is in my class at night told us that he will be meeting a woman in Canada in a couple of weeks . he has been chatting with her online for almost a year. this guy does not have a car, rides the bus to college and work, and will take a amtrak or something to canada to see 'olde' girl. i wonder if this woman know this guy does not have a CAR ?? i could not be online with someone a YEAR without having met them.
 sean_nyc
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 25
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 11:31:54 AM
driving long hour to meet with someone, sometimes it makes you look like a desperate person. I prefer meeting half way . Flying is the worst part she can easily drink back home if she doesn't like you. But you will be stuck at the hotel that you've already paid and plane ticket.
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