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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 7/17/2005 10:01:54 AM | I have one child, a 13 year old boy, who is slowly going from being my sweet, thoughtful boy into a smart-ass, hard-headed teenager. He's not horrible yet...I want to prevent it from becoming horrible.
For instance:
He argues when I ask him to do something. He'll ask why I can't do it. He'll give me a reason he can't do it. Before I know it, we are arguing back and forth about something trivial. When I realize this, I finally get mad and tell him not only will he do what I just asked him to do, I've added another chore to his list. He becomes very angry (no yelling or cursing or anything like that, just really mad). He'll do what I asked him to do, but he'll slam things around while doing it. That's when I come back and ask him to stop slamming things around, which makes him even more mad and then he'll do a terrible job at whatever I asked him to do.
Another example:
This happened recently, and I'm ashamed about the way I handled it. Again, it was over something trivial...he asked if he could stay out later than his usual time and I said no, not tonight. He kept asking why, why? I told him I don't have to answer WHY, it's because I said no and that's it. He kept on arguing, bringing up other parents, and of course we were arguing back and forth before I knew it. I told him the discussion was over, I don't want to hear one more word about it. He turns around and mutters something under his breath. I jumped out of my chair, spun him around and told him "I SAID NOT ONE MORE WORD". So he starts up the stairs, again muttering loudly enough for me to hear, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. Again, I jumped out of my chair, followed him up the stairs and told him that he needs to shut his mouth. He started to argue, and I cut him off..."you need to shut your mouth right now". As I headed back down the stairs, I hear him muttering again!! I jumped out of my chair, ran up the stairs, spun him around, got nose-to-nose with him and shouted "DO YOU THINK I'M BULLSH**TING YOU???" I have never cursed at him before and it shocked him speechless.
I've promised myself I will not do that again. Am I being too tough on him? Should I just let him have the last word? Should I ignore the muttering as he's walking away?
I want this behavior to stop before it's out of control.
Advice please!!! | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 7/17/2005 10:22:50 AM | I have no children so I can speak with absolute authority on the matter.
Do a Google for "tough love" there are also books on the subject.
He's finding his boundaries at this age and will push and prod in every direction to see how far he can go without being smacked down. To complicate the situation he is also nearing manhood (yeah he's getting hair and his nads are dropping) and is actively seeking his autonomy which we all need. You have to find that delicate balance between clubbing him like a baby seal and allowing him the freedom (as he proves capable of handling it) to spread his wings and fly on his own in gradually increasing degrees. | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 7/17/2005 11:02:26 AM | I used to have some difficulty getting my kids to do chores, but things have improved a lot the past year or two as I've changed my approach as they've gotten older. I give them a reason why when they ask why they have to do something, and it's never "because I said so." If they say they don't want to do a chore in the house, I remind them that the three of us are a family and that we all have our responsibilities, and that I don't have to carry 100% of the weight. I don't yell, but I'm firm. If my daughter doesn't take out the trash, I let it sit there. When she wants to do something (like go to a friend's house or go get a movie or whatever), I'll tell her: "Sure! As soon as you take out the trash." Then I walk away and leave it at that. It's surprising how well chores get done when they feel like they're contributing and when I thank them for helping the house run smoothly.
As for the back talking, my 13-year old daughter used to love to have the last word! She does it much less now, but we have to work on it still from time to time. I let my kids do a lot of things that maybe other parents won't (lots of freedom to go places and see friends and such), but sassiness and back-talking is never tolerated in my house. If they do backtalk me (well, my son never does, just my daughter), I let her know that I couldn't hear her and tell her that if it was important enough for her to say, then it's important enough for me to hear it. Then, I won't let her do anything (not even watch TV or have dinner or read or whatever) until she tells me what she was muttering. I usually find that she felt safe muttering whatever it was because she was sure that I wouldn't hear it. But when I make her tell me what it was, it loses its power. We can then talk about WHY she wanted to say what she said, and we can do it without anger. Since I started this, the amount of backtalking has gone way down. I'm not saying this is foolproof, and every kid is different, so you'll need to adapt to how your son reacts. I guess the principle in this is that he's not a child anymore (or at least he doesn't perceive himself to be a child), so you need to change how you're relating to him and treat him as more grown up. Just my opinion, of course, don't mean to sound like I'm preaching... | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 7/17/2005 11:29:43 AM | Greetings.
Well I definately understand your perspective and your situation. My son is 12 and can be very****!
Although separated from his mother, there is very open communication and his mother and I discuss everything about him and our other two (younger girls which is why I hope I get it under wraps before they become teenagers).
A dynamic relationship like what it sounds like you have with your son can be hard to change. Tempers get flaring and before you know it, everyone is yelling. It can be hard to stop but it's definately necessary. Like pointed out also, all kids are different and will respond differently.
I believe you need to sit him down, very calmly lay it out on the line that you are no longer going to yell, scream and argue. For in order to live together, you have certain things that need to be done. Those are first and foremost, RESPECT, communication, chores, RESPONSIBILITY. A 13 year old boy needs responsibility so they can appreciate what they have and earn much more.
I have also found that making a weekly list of chores posted in his room somewhere. Those chores need to be done daily before any of the 'fun' stuff is done. So before they say, "I'm going out with my friends.." the chores need to be done. Done without arguing, yelling but just done.
I have found that if you can keep your cool, you seem to be more in control and are less tempted to say/do something you may regret. I have never hit my children nor ever would. I have stood my son in the kitchen (when his sisters were not around :) and gave him the goods on how it's going to be. No questions, no arguing but this is how it's going to be. This involved a few colourful words. Nothing derogatory but no bull$hit.
Also present goals as far as timelines. For instance, "if you can improve over the next month, then you can....."Realistic goals, short-term.
I've also had to stip him of all his 'luxuries', TV, Xbox, computer, telephone, friends...etc. Then he has had to earn them all back by participating without giving you all the gears.
It's a tough road sometimes but it's necessary to be consistant, keep your cool (as for nothing else, to keep your own stress levels down) and be firm.
Good luck and be strong! | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 7/17/2005 11:30:33 AM | Greetings.
Well I definately understand your perspective and your situation. My son is 12 and can be very cheeky!
Although separated from his mother, there is very open communication and his mother and I discuss everything about him and our other two (younger girls which is why I hope I get it under wraps before they become teenagers).
A dynamic relationship like what it sounds like you have with your son can be hard to change. Tempers get flaring and before you know it, everyone is yelling. It can be hard to stop but it's definately necessary. Like pointed out also, all kids are different and will respond differently.
I believe you need to sit him down, very calmly lay it out on the line that you are no longer going to yell, scream and argue. For in order to live together, you have certain things that need to be done. Those are first and foremost, RESPECT, communication, chores, RESPONSIBILITY. A 13 year old boy needs responsibility so they can appreciate what they have and earn much more.
I have also found that making a weekly list of chores posted in his room somewhere. Those chores need to be done daily before any of the 'fun' stuff is done. So before they say, "I'm going out with my friends.." the chores need to be done. Done without arguing, yelling but just done.
I have found that if you can keep your cool, you seem to be more in control and are less tempted to say/do something you may regret. I have never hit my children nor ever would. I have stood my son in the kitchen (when his sisters were not around :) and gave him the goods on how it's going to be. No questions, no arguing but this is how it's going to be. This involved a few colourful words. Nothing derogatory but no bull$hit.
Also present goals as far as timelines. For instance, "if you can improve over the next month, then you can....."Realistic goals, short-term.
I've also had to stip him of all his 'luxuries', TV, Xbox, computer, telephone, friends...etc. Then he has had to earn them all back by participating without giving you all the gears.
It's a tough road sometimes but it's necessary to be consistant, keep your cool (as for nothing else, to keep your own stress levels down) and be firm.
Good luck and be strong! | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 7/17/2005 12:06:46 PM | Thank you all for your great advice! And no, secondbestdad, you did not sound like you were preaching...lol
I'm usually pretty good about not yelling when the arguing starts, but when it goes on and on it's like someone flips a switch and I just blow my top at him. Once that happens, he backs down. I don't like this pattern we're starting, so I'm going to break it and behave differently the next time it happens.
I give him plenty of freedom, as well. I'm one of the least strict mothers on our street, so his friends like to come over and swim, or just hang out. I show interest in what they're doing, what his friends have been up to, which girls do they "like", etc. I've even taught a couple of them some kickboxing moves.
I think the thing that scares me is that in the back of my mind, I know I can still kick his ass if I need to. Of course, it's never come anywhere NEAR that, but it's just a thought in the back of my mind. However, I know there will come a day very, very soon when he will be staring down at me and I'm no match for him. His father is 6'4" and 200 lbs and for some reason does not have a problem with the backtalking. This concern is probably irrational, but it's there.
He's not a violent kid and for the most part, shows respect toward me and is beginning to be protective of me. I've taught him not to lie to me if he's done something he's not supposed to do...he knows to just 'fess up and get a small lecture instead of lying and getting himself grounded.
Thanks again to all of you for the advice! | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 7/17/2005 12:42:01 PM | | I concur with secondbest dad (please elaborate on this name? second to your dad maybe...)! Monetary allowances to my teen are a thing of the past. We work together on our responsibilities around the house and when she wants to earn extra money we both colaborate on what needs to be contributed up and above the norm. She is now 16 and it did take some time for me (and or us) to realize what works. Every child is unique! Mine still tests the boundaries, but in a more respectful way toward my concerns. I constantly show her that her well being is my top priority. | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 7/17/2005 2:13:11 PM | | Hi lankiladi... second best dad 'cuz God is the first best dad. :-) It's actually a nickname my kids gave me one time when I was doing that whole "if you want the ice cream tell me I'm the best dad ever" smart a** routine. They set me straight and we had a good laugh! | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/21/2005 2:26:27 PM | i have three teens two boys and a girl. what you are going htrough is pretty much normal. and you are doing a good job with him when you say no you mean no. let him stomp off and mutter under his breath. its better ho do that than put holes in walls or break things. but remember to stick to your word whne you say no mean it. its called tough love. when my kids start that well so and so mom lets her i tell her or him that i am not so and so's parent and i dont care what they let them do you are my child and i said no and thats final.
he may get mad at you but remember he still loves you and one day he will understand why you told him no all those times. | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/21/2005 2:34:48 PM | Mine is 16 years old, I've never had this kind of trouble with him.
His main chores are doing the dishes, garbage, cleaning his room, feeding the birds, doing his own laundry. Sometimes other things as necessary.
But it is always been very simple, he has to do what needs to be done before he gets to do what he wants to do.
And when he has a girlfriend, I have to do very little, he cleans the whole house without asking.
He wants to impress her.
DragonRider | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/21/2005 8:37:33 PM | sparkle... we all have off days... i don't really think you did anything "wrong" because i believe a mother needs to stand her ground with her child(ren). it's always shocking to a kids when mom cuts loose but it wakes them up fast, doesn't it. ;) not the best way but it happens... don't feel guilty. my son towers over me @ 6'3" vs. my 5'5" and shrinking... he's still no match for me. ;)
i'm pretty liberal in letting him go places an such too but he's done the same thing when i feel like i have to say no... he asks why and i'm not always prepared to answer that question so sometimes i'll tell him to ask me that question again in a minute or sometimes i have a valid reason and can answer him confidently or when i don't and i can make one up fast enough... it shoots out of my mouth and he's always been agreeable... the one thing i've tried to be good about is giving him a reason why for no other reason than i think it's a reasonable question. i also do that because my mom was one of those "because i said no" moms and it drove me up a freakin' wall... any good excuse would have sufficed but she always went with "because i said no" and she got from me the same response you're getting from your son... the only difference was, it was perfectly ok to beat the crap out of your kids back then, so i never got away with behaving like that for long... just long enough to piss her off and get my butt kicked. :) | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/21/2005 9:12:15 PM | Sparkle..
First of all you are doing fine...
I have a stepson who is soon to be 13...keep on him. He will continue to argue and demand his independance, but you need to remind him of your expectations of him and the guidelines of which you have set. once those have been clearly defined, he will know his bounderies and just how far he can take things.
I have actuall had the "sex talk" with the boy because of our commute and it has opened many discussions and dialogue for everything. Remain open minded for your son's perspective and appreciate his point of view before interjecting your beliefs..we are talking another generation here.
You will do fine as long as you allow his thoughts into you perpesctive before passing judgement.
Best of luck to you!  | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/21/2005 10:51:27 PM | @sparklepants
I believe every parent goes through something like this at one point or another...just look back when we were that age...even if we were the best kids, we all had moments of 'teen rebellion'...I've found what works well, besides shocking them with unusual behavior, is to make them responsible for their choices and the consequences of those choices...if you want him to do something, he gets the choice of doing it or the consequences of not doing it...then it's up to him which he does...but you have to follow through if he decides to not do what you wanted him to. Then he can't blame you because he made the choice. Works every time. One thing I found out that doesn't work, thanks to an ex that did this with his kids, is to argue with them...no one gains anything and both get their feelings hurt.
Best of luck to you! | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/21/2005 10:57:36 PM | Hi Sparkle...cute name btw I have a 17 yr old son who rarely gives me grief. The odd time he has been p.o.'d at me was when he wanted to do something with his friends and I said no. Of course he always asked why and I have always given him an answer. He may not have liked my answer or agreed with it, but he got it. My son and I dont argue, basically because I refuse to engage in a conversation that is fueled by anger and will end up solving nothing. Hey, that doesn't mean I dont have my outbursts, gotta love hormones  , but I always go back and apologize and we talk things out. Kids and teens have a great need to 'know' what a parents reasoning is and I think they deserve an answer. They may not like the answer or agree with it, may even pout, sulk or go stomping off to their room, but at least they have an explanation. You said your son left muttering, loud enough for you to hear. Was he back talking you in a loud voice or was he just muttering under his breath, making sure you heard but couldn't understand? My son has gone off muttering after I have given him an answer he doesn't like and I just let it go. It's not like he's in my face being disrespectful. Your son is at an age where he is starting to 'pick at the apron strings' and find his own identity. This can be a more difficult transition for the parent than the child. As long as he's still treating you with respect and knows his boundaries I wouldn't worry too much. One thing to keep in mind.....remember it always takes two to argue. If you dont allow yourself to become engaged in that kind of power-play, it soon will become boring for your son to be arguing with himself. | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/22/2005 12:27:32 AM | Sparkle...just my word here...I have 2 teenage daughters and let me tell you...they are a handful...but when i ask them to do something and they do not want to do it my reponse is simple..."Okay, just remember that when you want something from me, then maybe i wont want to do it for you either" Another really great motivator that I have, which you may not, is that I have special things that I take away, like say ohhhh,,, ummmm cell phones...internet access...total computer access...TV....the list goes on & on...the point I am trying to make is that when he becomes argumentative, simply take away something of value and explain that if he doesnt value you and your wishes enough to do it without arguing, then you wont value his wishes by taking away something he values. I never set a timeline on when I will give something back, because all that does is create good behavior during that time period, and then they are back up to their old tricks again. As far as the "Why" whine is concerned, I simply say no. If that doesnt work, then i go to a stern militant voice and state "I said No and thats the end of it!" and then I leave the room and close the door behind me. When they start shoving things around, I will go in their room and start shoving things around...when they come in and go crazy like, I'll simply say..you dont respect my things, then i don't respect yours...I learned these tactics a long time ago when my oldest went through her lying phase.. She would lie about something and then it would be a problem for weeks on end...you had to know my ex to understand...so finally what i did was tell her I'd do something for her and then when the time came to do it, I would say...i'm sorry, i lied...nipped that problem in the bud really quick, especially when i said I'd take them to Busch Gardens and well...I lied
Responding on their level sometimes is the only way they can understand your thinking.... | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/22/2005 1:42:51 AM | I found out you have to "stick to your guns"---Be consistent and enforce the rules, otherwise teenagers will walk all over you ((or try to))... They're testing their limits~~LOL~~Makes it sound so much nicer than it really is, huh>? I'm counting the days until my 17 year old daughter turns 18, because she's making me crazy. I made the mistake, when I went through a divorce 2 years ago, of slacking off a little regarding discipline, and she just took off and ran with it~~ I'm still amazed at the things she tells me ((so, we're still really close)), but I think she needs to be on her own to grow up a bit and "handle her own life", as she so eloquently puts it....
I only have a few simple rules, and she's learning a lot of stuff the hard way these days.. sometimes I think we have to step back and let them make some mistakes.. Seems they remember those lessons the best. Not that it's easy to do~~~~ | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/22/2005 5:25:13 AM | sparkle
In my opinion the problems is what you identified yourself - arguing over trivial things.
Your son is becoming a man, he's no longer the little boy that has to do whatever mom says or else. He'll question you more now, defy you more now.
It's what kids do. Mind you, I'm not saying let them have their own way or anything like that. Just that you have to expect them to act differently and question why you tell them to do things or why you think this or that.
If they just blindly did what we asked all time without question.....that would worry me.
Choose your battles wisely! don't argue over trivial things, remember he's not being the way he is to try to anger you, he's just growing up.
I've always made a point of answering any "whys" that my daughter asks. My mother always used to say " because I said so" when I asked "why". It made me think either she thought I was too stupid to understand or, that me REALLY wanting to know 'why' didn't matter....
made me feel like crap.
anyhoo, like I said, if my daughter asks why, I tell her why, always, and she respects me for that because she REALLY does want to know why and it does matter that I answer her.
I think that's one of the reasons why we don't argue. | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/22/2005 7:57:32 AM | Teenagers can be hard to handle I raised 3 girls my youngest is 18 now and I can say they will push you beyond your limits 99% of the time.
I'm sure teenage boys are quite different in many ways but I think what all teenagers go thru is trying to discover their own individulality,their own purpose in life.
With all the hormones raging it makes it hard to make rational decisions and we as parents have to step back and let them make some mistakes,which is hard to do because we have protected them for so long.Sure we have to step in when we see the potential for danger.
Teenagers always lash out at the person they trust will be there for them no matter what.
I always found that reassurance of how much I loved them paid off.
You being there for him and letting him know you love him is the best things you can do for him.Talk to him and let him know that you expect him to talk to you in a respectful mannor and you will show him the same respect.
Give him some privacy...at 13 thats when my girls started to really want a lot of alone time.
The rules that applied when they were just a couple of years younger need to re evaluated,maybe ask him for his input as to what he sees as exceptable rules,curfews and agree on things together.When the rules are set be consistant.
When you sit down with them and they know the rules and the consequences things seem to work out better at lease for me they did,especaily when they help deside the limits.
I know it was hard for me to be the disciplinary,mothers are nurturers and its just hard.
But nothing is more rewarding than seeing an incorrigible teenager become this wonderful individual due to your paitance and unconditional love.
I wish you the best of luck. | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/22/2005 10:36:11 AM | i see your point here gal...but i somewhat disagree...teenagers think they know what is best for them and dont think of the big picture...
taking the time to explain every no, can be very exhausting...a heart to heart talk explaining that although your son thinks he knows what is best for him, it is not always the case and your job as his mother is to keep him safe and away from harmful things. It is also your job as a mother (or father) to ensure that your children grow up to become productive and hopefully successful members of society. Your son is just going to have to trust you in making the right decisions for him and if you make a bad decision, be honest and tell him you made a mistake...you'll get major brownie points for that...kids dont hear that often enough that we screwed up and when they do hear it and we admit it to them they are awestruck
Just a suggestion...although your son needs his space, he also does not need to alienate himself from the family...give him his space but designate one day of the week for quality time for just the 2 of you to do something productive that encourages interaction..no movies...maybe board games or playing video games...maybe laser tag or paintball...go fishing together...do what he is interested in...seems to me perhaps you should take more interest in what he enjoys doing...on the flip-side of doing that, you will keep closer taps on his activities... | |
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icalla
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Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 21 | |
| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 10/22/2005 11:16:44 AM | I agree wholeheartedly with whoever said you need to choose your battles carefully. But I'll take it a step further and say that you need to reevaluate your personal reactions.
Teenagers are masters at pushing buttons. Part of this is that they are trying to figure out how adult relationships work, and how to handle the more complex and intense emotions that are involved. So... just like 2-year olds, they push buttons to see what our reactions will be. That's how they learn. So think about what you're teaching him.
My advice is to figure out your own buttons, and change the situation so they can't get pushed. From what you describe, both times it was the "why" question that set you off. Maybe you can cut that off at the pass by saying something like "I need you to... because..." or by saying something like "I need these two things done, which are you going to do?"
As for the muttering, I really like SecondBestDad's way of dealing with it. Teaches both the respect and responsibility of the spoken word. | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 2/3/2006 7:12:10 AM | I had the same garbage. I'm told its part of the phase of turning into an adult and we just have to be patient with them. Boys for the most part like to be left alone as they sort things out in their heads.
I had a bratty teenager whose thankfully gone now and a got a little one that I hope stays as great as he is. We're dreading it, but nows the time to build those bonds to lessen the blow when 12-13 comes along.
Its tough, and you need to be tough too. Boys need a firm hand (not literally) and alot of patience. A male influence would help alot too. A teenage boy doesn't see his mom as a physical threat, where a male is more intimidating. Also if he has an uncle (as in my kids case) that he actually respects, that person can be a huge help because your son won't be mean to him. He's mean to you now because he knows you'll forgive him and let him get away with some abuse because he knows you love him. He isn't like that to others is he? Because he doesn't know them as well and isn't as sure of the reactions he'll get.
Parents get abused big time. I hate what our teen has done and for him a taste of real life and living across the nation away from us is what we all needed. In my case, being a step-parent, it was all the harder as he didn't recognize me as anything but the idiot his mom married.
Good luck. Vent away :) | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 2/3/2006 8:30:12 AM | I have three daughters 30, 25, 21 and two sons 19, and 14...trust me..I have dealt with most of anything anyone has lol...
this is my advice..
first sit him down and say..ok look..we have a problem here and since I'm the parent and you are the child I am gonna tell you what the rules are gonna be from this day on....have them written down on a list..read them together and discuss them and see if he has any questions about them...also let him no what the consequences are, if he breaks those rules...and be CONSISTANT...abide by those rules even if it inconveniences you..post them on the fridge for awhile so it is kept reminded..maybe give him an example from your own life about choosing not to follow the rules about something and what happenes as a result of it.....also,for instance..if you say..take out the garbage..he has to take it out within 15 min..if he doesn't he has a privilege taken away..just be consistant...never let it get to you telling him twice...folow ur own rules exactly! kids needs structure and consistancy..teaches to follow rules in adult life too..and also teaches them that there are consequences when they don't..just my opnion | |
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| Parents of teenagers...advice needed!
Posted: 2/3/2006 8:37:54 AM | You are, by no means, being too tough on him. Think back to when you were a kid... how tough were your parents?
My son is going through a similar phase (I hope to God it is a phase) - what you've described has happened in our house many times over. He also has some other mental health issues (bipolar, adhd) so I spent the longest time thinking his behavior was symptomatic of his mental health. Nooooooo, he's just being a shit.
He is now in a residential program to learn how to get along at home, including not yelling at me when he doesn't like something.
Do something now. What he's exhibiting is a lack of respect. Yeah being a teenager is hard BUT it's not an excuse for bad behavior.
Find a support group or talk to a therpist about the behaviors and how you can best handle them. Engaging in arguments won't be good for either of you and just feeds into his feelings of power. He is too young for power in your relationship.
Good luck to you. | |
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