| | Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?Page 1 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | | I have dated many men who come on all sweet and nice and seem genuinely interested. They talk about the future and all kinds of things that would lead one to believe it may be getting serious. Then they drop the I just want a fb. Wtf???? Why can't they just say that up front and save us both time. I am not looking for a fb now or ever. What a shallow way to view life and relationships. Just use each other too f. Isnt' that something the animals do? Aren't we suppose to be capable of love and more than just having a casual sex buddy? That to me seems so immature. Just instant gratification and no responsibilities. I see absolutly no joy or satisfaction in using each other to fill a sexual urge and nothing more. Is that what the world has come too? Just screw anyone and everyone when ever you feel like it and forget about the fact that that your human beings and should act that way. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 6:56:02 AM | I can see where the OP is coming from... lots of people say they want a relationship and yet tend to end up in a FB or FwB relationship. What I think the OP misses is SOME - not all of those people truly intend for a full and proper relationship at the onset... it just doesn't jive for one reason or another and all that remains is FB or FwB.
OP if someone is honest from the beginning about wanting sex and only sex, you have to respect that to a certain degree. It may not be your way or your preference, but surely you can concede brownie points (not saying sleep with them) for their candour. When both sides agree and go in with eyes open - no deception or miscommunication, there is nothing wrong with consenting adults having sex.
Then there are those who just aren't into a relationship with YOU. They may be looking for the one - and you ain't it! That only comes with getting to know you. It's up to you OP to not put out it that's what you want or to hold off having sex until you feel a sense of permanence. One caveat: Everyone reserves the right to change their minds. Even marriage isn't a guarantee... half of us here are proof of that. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 6:57:28 AM | "supposed to" is a loaded question. people will do what they want.
you can influence others' behavior but you will never control it.
the best chance you have to getting what you want is change your own behavior and assumptions.
and just because somebody talks about the future in terms of the direction that you want it to go, that doesn't mean they're sincere or -- even if they are -- that it's actually going to happen. because people either lie or change their minds, but the other possibility is that they were actually honest about what they wanted but more open-ended than you are about the process. in other words, you saw it as a pre-defined destination whereas they only saw it as a potential direction.
this is the part where you get to decide whether to have sex with a guy and automatically assume it means he cares... or whether you withhold sex for a predetermined period of time as a test of his actual intentions. it's the razor blade of life that all women must slide down in their eternal quest for True Love. otherwise you can just enjoy the sex and give up on the idea that it means anything. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 7:46:59 AM | | The thing is whether you have sex or not in the begining of a new relationship, there should be some sort of ground rules established as far as the persons intentions. People who want a fb need to be clear upfront that is all they want and nothing more. The reason I say that is a person who wants a fb rarely if ever wants a real relationship with anyone. They just want sex. If that is what 2 people prefer that is their choice. I make it clear that is what I don't want and men say they understand and agree, then after a while they drop the ole well I was just looking for a fb you don't mind do you? lol yes I mind. I think its only fair that people not looking for a serious relationship to make that abundantly clear. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 7:51:57 AM | | you are very idealistic and not very practical, because ground rules are meaningless when people are willing to lie about their intentions to get what they want. this puts you in the position of either (a) continuing to have sex with men who are willing to lie to you for the sole purpose of FB and hope that one comes along who will tell the truth, or (2) stop having sex with men until you find some other way of more accurately discerning their intentions. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 8:01:22 AM |
Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
In order to answer a question like that you would have to assume that all individuals act and think in the same manner. They don't.
Some individuals go in with a relationship in mind. However as it moves along they find that there is no compatibility, so they have to exit the relationship. Now if sex has already occurred ... that makes it awkward to end the relationship without being labeled in some way or another.
Some individuals go in with the intent of being in a relationship, yet when it comes down to the actual opening up and sharing of intimacy (on an emotional level), they can't. They are damaged goods and no matter how they try, they can't do it. They want to, however they are incapable. Same as above, if sex has already occurred ... that makes it awkward to end the relationship without being labeled in some way or another.
Some individuals go in trying to convince you that they are looking for a relationship, yet all they want is to quench their sexual desire. This is where you have to discern what they are really after and act accordingly.
These are just few of the scenarios that are happening on a dating site. There are MANY MANY more that I have not touched upon. So to ask such a blanket question, there is really no standard answer, because everyone is different. Everyone comes with their own suitcase of baggage that has to be dealt with.
What a shallow way to view life and relationships. Just use each other too f. Isnt' that something the animals do?
We are all mammals. We have the same desires as our counterparts on 4 legs. Woman just as equally as men. How many woman have a BOB (battery operated boyfriend) tucked into their nightstand beside their bed. This is just human nature, and it seems to span the spectrum of every age group. We all want the same thing. I am not saying that that is all that we want, as we as humans are intellectual and have the capability of wanting more then just a romp in the hay.
So you just have to be vigilant. Pick up the clues, and don't enter into a sexual relationship until YOU feel that there is compatibility and the possibility of long term on the horizon.
Good luck to you....
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 8:01:46 AM | | Because while you're waiting for that total package to show up, you're single, in the land of the living and still allowed to have sex. If you meet someone you're attracted to but overall you don't consider them serious material, a sexual arrangement of FB/NSA can occur (which, BTW should be agreed upon honestly by both parties). FWB is about an already established/close friendship, which doesn't happen with new dates unless you're hanging out with them platonically for a long time first. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 8:08:58 AM |
That to me seems so immature I've always thought that it seemed immature for a woman to whine about the way that she's allowed guys to treat her.
The thing is whether you have sex or not in the begining of a new relationship, there should be some sort of ground rules established as far as the persons intentions. The thing is many of the guys, who just want a convenient piece of ass, are willing to lie about their intentions to get that piece of ass.
That's why it's advisable that, if you don't want to just be that convenient piece of ass, you should probably spend time trying to actually get to know a person, before hopping into the sack with them.
Some people may decide to have sex at the very beginning of a new relationship. I'm not going to say that this is right or wrong. But the person should at least be wise enough to realize that there's a very good chance that the other person doesn't want anything more than that. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 8:22:14 AM | | I never said anything about having sex in the beginning. Why assume I have sex right away? I don't have sex with a guy till I know quite a bit about him, his back ground, friends, family, past mistakes, habits, likes and dislikes, his ideas about many different subjects like what he is looking for or not looking for. What I am looking for and not looking for. Our sex drive, and other sex talk so that both know if we are compatable sexually. Many things go into finding out if someone is even worth your time. Lots of long talks, dates, spending time together. Seeing how each lives and deals with problems, stress, everyday life, etc. I happen to do that and some how all these men I have encountered have serious hang ups about being inlove because they were hurt so bad. I ususally find this out after a while of dating and then they say they only want fb cause they don't want to get hurt again. I was hurt many times and I don't have that sour outlook. Yes everyone is different, but for goodness sake emotional pain is a part of life. People let us down. We have to be able to let go and move on. Not build a wall around ourselves and only get some sex action here and there. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 8:39:39 AM |
Yes everyone is different, but for goodness sake emotional pain is a part of life. People let us down. We have to be able to let go and move on. Not build a wall around ourselves and only get some sex action here and there.
Not everyone can do that.
I met an amazing man from this site. Everything I was looking for. However he has a great amount of emotional pain from childhood. Not all men bring their baggage from past relationships, for some it starts off as children. Only "they" can see that there is a problem, and only "they" can fix it.
Do I hold anger towards him because we ended up in the bedroom? No. Do I hold anger towards him because he cannot continue on? No. I realize that he has a problem. It is not my problem. Because I became intimate with him prior to understanding what the difficulties were, is something that I have to deal with. I cannot label all men the same because of this one man. I then have to choose whether or not I want to remain a fwb, or move on to find a man who is more suited to me. The choices are mine. I hold the cards.
What I am saying is, it is ALL up to ME on how I want to react to what has happened, and up to ME to use better judgment. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 8:44:54 AM |
I am not looking for a fb now or ever. What a shallow way to view life and relationships. Just use each other too f. Isnt' that something the animals do?
uhh,, "we" (homo sapiens) ARE animals too, just a different species
I realise that many humans want to feel that they are soo much better than the 'lesser 'animals, and that we have no 'animal nature" ,
but,, we do.. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 8:47:54 AM | what i thought you were really saying before is that you wanted somebody else to be responsible for your own emotional risk-taking, and that the best way they should assume that risk for you is to be honest about what they wanted out of a relationship. but then you said:
some how all these men I have encountered have serious hang ups about being inlove because they were hurt so bad
with all the talking and getting to know someone that you say you do, i don't quite understand why you can't include some discussion of prior relationships and what they learned about themselves from that or -- alternatively -- what wounds are still being nursed. it's really not a hard discussion to have and people will reveal alot about themselves in terms of how they will talk about their exes. are they still bitter? angry? afraid? then you will know it's completely impossible for them to relate to you in a manner that excludes that emotional landscape, unless it's to remove their emotions entirely from the equation and relate to you solely for the purpose of getting a piece of ass. because fake intimacy is better than none.
some people don't let go and they don't move on, because building a wall around themselves is the only thing in this world that gives them any sense of control over their future based on their past bad experiences. it's easy for you to sit there and say they "should" move on as you have done, but if they knew how to do that or even wanted to, they would find a way to do it. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 8:52:04 AM | OP, if you aren't sleeping with anyone until you know them well, then there's no problem. Those who are looking for sex and calling it looking for a relationship won't likely stick around long enough to matter. Doesn't matter what they call it or what they tell you they want so long as it doesn't affect you.
Time and patience weeds out a lot of that stuff, so you're good. Beyond that, why people say one thing and do another is as different for each person as there are people. Most do it because they are trying to get something. If they don't get it from you - then it's pointless to try and analyze it. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 9:03:48 AM |
I happen to do that and some how all these men I have encountered have serious hang ups about being inlove because they were hurt so bad.
What is the common denominator in "all these men"?
That would be You.
Maybe, you are doing something to make these men decide you aren't
their type for a relationship......
and most men don't need a "type" for a FB....so hey, might as well give it a shot
and see if you're willing!
BTW......."hurt so bad" is a copout for many people.......it's an easy excuse ......
you know........"the it's not you it's me" theory so they don't have to explain what
they don't like about you. | |
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az109
| | Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 17 | |
| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 10:11:35 AM |
Is that what the world has come too? Just screw anyone and everyone when ever you feel like it and forget about the fact that that your human beings and should act that way. Sadly, no, that dream is still a long ways off. But I refuse to give up hope.
Woman meets man. Man lies to woman. Woman complains to world. World changes.
I run into the other problem, where women tell me they want a FB when what they really want is a relationship. At first it's all like, sure, you can use my vagina, just call first to make sure nobody else is. And I'm like, great, I will call ahead of time and we will never fall in love. And she's like, perfect, because the last thing I want with you is emotional involvement, swear to God and cross my heart.
Then just when I am starting to think I have finally found an honest woman, somewhere around the third or fourth year of daily impersonal sex acts she shows her true colors. She's like, do you ever think about wanting something more? And I'm like, WTF???? Damn, now I have to start looking again. Why can't women just be honest from the start?! | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 11:27:47 AM |
I can see where the OP is coming from... lots of people say they want a relationship and yet tend to end up in a FB or FwB relationship. What I think the OP misses is SOME - not all of those people truly intend for a full and proper relationship at the onset... it just doesn't jive for one reason or another and all that remains is FB or FwB.
Just thought this ^^^^need a second read.
I have dated many men who come on all sweet and nice and seem genuinely interested. They talk about the future and all kinds of things that would lead one to believe it may be getting serious. Then they drop the I just want a fb. Wtf????
Relationships progress until reaching their maximum velocity. Then they either remain there...slow down...or...disintegrate. Ideally...(if that is what you both seek)...that would be a lifetime commitment. He reached his MV. And...he was honest about it giving you the choice to remain with the status quo relationship...or not. He must like to spend time with you, find you attractive etc...but, just doesn't see it going the distance. It doesn't mean that his intention was to gain a FWB.
Who hasn't been with someone that they were attracted to, had a loving relationship with, found to be sexually compatible.......BUT? If both feel that way...why not FWB until Ms or Mr Right comes around as long as it enriches your life.
It's hard not to take it personal...but who would want to be with someone that doesn't fully want to be with you?
The problem is...is that some people need to place blame. If you can get past that and accept that it just is...what it is. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 11:43:34 AM | Comparing ourselves to animals is just plain foolish. If that were the case then we would all be having sex with our siblings mothers and fathers brothers and sisters sons and daughters. Yes the sickos do that and go to jail for it if they are found guilty. On the other hand the animals have no clue about morals. They just fill a basic need and think nothing of it.
Men have told me time and time again they are animals. They admit that they are pigs sometimes and don't act proper. That is why fathers tell their daughters all men are pigs to stay away from them. Fathers know that all though they may have been able to overcome some strong urges to be pigs they warn their daughters whom they love and want to protect against other men. Is that isolated or just a very rare thing? Absolutly not. Its been this way since the begining of time. Of course there are women out there just looking for sex and use men and the list goes on and on. I know for a fact that my sisters, mom, female friends and female relatives were not the get laid and use men type. Yet they suffered horribly with men who molested them, raped them, cheated on them, abused them, lied to them, forced them into having sex before they were ready.
Do I have issues with men? Yes I do. And I have very very good reasons too. I have not met one single man that is honest, loving, sincere, kind hearted, or willing to go the extra mile. No I don't live under a rock. I have seen my sisters beaten, my mom beaten, myself almost killed, I listened to my mom, sisters, female friends who were either raped molested or both and often beaten. How can women trust men when all they ever get is I want sex and I don't want to love you I just want to use you for sex. Its down right discouraging and demeaning. How can women trust men if its the same ole thing over and over again? It does not matter if you meet them in church or on line or at the bowling ally.
I personally think the male brain is preoccupied with sex so much they can't function unless they get it from who ever when ever and don't care about that persons feelings.
You can say I am crazy or need help or what ever but I am just saying what I have seen and been through. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 12:03:09 PM |
Men have told me time and time again they are animals. They admit that they are pigs sometimes and don't act proper. That is why fathers tell their daughters all men are pigs to stay away from them. Fathers know that all though they may have been able to overcome some strong urges to be pigs they warn their daughters whom they love and want to protect against other men. Is that isolated or just a very rare thing? Absolutly not. Its been this way since the begining of time. Of course there are women out there just looking for sex and use men and the list goes on and on. I know for a fact that my sisters, mom, female friends and female relatives were not the get laid and use men type. Yet they suffered horribly with men who molested them, raped them, cheated on them, abused them, lied to them, forced them into having sex before they were ready.
Do I have issues with men? Yes I do. And I have very very good reasons too. I have not met one single man that is honest, loving, sincere, kind hearted, or willing to go the extra mile. No I don't live under a rock. I have seen my sisters beaten, my mom beaten, myself almost killed, I listened to my mom, sisters, female friends who were either raped molested or both and often beaten. How can women trust men when all they ever get is I want sex and I don't want to love you I just want to use you for sex. Its down right discouraging and demeaning. How can women trust men if its the same ole thing over and over again? It does not matter if you meet them in church or on line or at the bowling ally.
why not go lesbian then, and all your problems will be over?
get a woman!
you will have the PERFECT relationship, automatically and for all time
Lesbian never have any problems in their relationships! take it from me.
not sure where you get your info that 'animals' do it with their close relatives mother/father, son/daughter, brother/sister, etc.
LOL if all those men are 'pigs' who are they doing it with ? it takes 2 to have sex -please don't tell me these are all 'rape" ?
or is it one REALLY slutty girl doing it with 10 million different men to skew the stats while "most" women are basically virginal? | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 12:18:45 PM | Why not go lesbian? I wish I could but I am not attracted at all to women. I think maybe I should just accept the fact that Its way too hard to find a decent guy and just live my life and try to enjoy what time I have left. Many people end up doing that. I just wish men were more loving and honest.
BTW the last person who said he wanted a fb said in the begining that he would never want that because it does nothing for him. It was only when I mentioned something to him that upset him that he totally changed his direction and asked if I wanted to be a fb. He later recanted that question and said that I have way too much to offer a man to just be a fb. Yes he is physically attracted to me and that is nice, as I am to him. For me personally being a fb is selling myself short. If I wanted that there are tons and tons of men waiting for me to say yes to being a fb. Not because I am that special, but because sex is an easy way to get needs met without any feelings. I happen to have feelings that would prevent me from being a fb. Just can't do it. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 12:30:14 PM | They say that, because POF limits our choices to just one, when in reality the options should include more than that in order to explain exactly what we are seeking.
I for one, would like to chose Dating with an Activity Partner, who would Talk/E-mail me often, we would Hang Out and develop a Friendship, we would have frequent Intimate Encounters and hopefully a Long-term Relationship.
Since we can not freely express exactly the full extend of our desires, we chose the option which is more likely to bring about any result that will start the process.
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 1:11:29 PM |
They say that, because POF limits our choices to just one, when in reality the options should include more than that in order to explain exactly what we are seeking.
I for one, would like to chose Dating with an Activity Partner, who would Talk/E-mail me often, we would Hang Out and develop a Friendship, we would have frequent Intimate Encounters and hopefully a Long-term Relationship.
Isn't that really the rule...rather than the exception?
When you rush to the anticipated expectation of what tomorrow "should be" you'll be oblivious to what today "is". Like a good movie with a bad ending. You'll never feel like you got your ten bucks worth.
I can only imagine OP's dissapointment that this didn't turn into a "men are players" and "women are golddiggers" thread. | |
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| Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?
Posted: 7/17/2010 3:38:04 PM |  Even if you get to know someone well before sex you can still be let down. People can be unpredictable, even those you trust. So playing the immature ridiculous wait and see game makes no sense. Take what good you can get from any encounters, and just hope for the best. If you don't succeed, try try again. | |
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