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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want      Home login  
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 ExoticEye
Joined: 7/18/2010
Msg: 1
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I wantPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
This is really bothering me lately. I've seen so many threads from women here saying they met a guy who is so sweet, caring, nice, charming & even physically attractive yet they don't feel anything for that person. Ex. of a post " So I met this really sweet guy from here. Hes funny, sweet, caring... the whole nine yards. But, i just don't feel anything real for him... Which stinks because hes everything i ever wanted in a boyfriend" Maybe i'm a guy so I just don't understand but I fall in love with a girl because i'm attracted to her personality and physical features. I met this girl who told me she's physically attracted to me and I have a great personality. She says i'm the sweetest person she's ever met and yet there's still "something missing". I just don't understand women these days and I have a feeling this is strictly an American thing. What is a spark/chemistry or butterfly in the stomach? In any other part of the world, if you're a great guy the woman will want to be with you. Now you know why the divorce rate in this country is so high, instead of liking someone for all their great characteristics we look for that so called "spark".
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 9:39:25 AM
She says i'm the sweetest person she's ever met and yet there's still "something missing".


Something missing is the reality of your individuality. Striving to always "be nice" makes you just a "friend".

Relax enough to "be there" moment to moment, tease her & make her laugh, challenge her and express your opinions.

Don't be afraid to disagree with something she says, express yourself, not prostrate yourself.




Spark is what starts your car. All the gas and compression can be there, but if you don't include that extra intriguing flame, nothing happens... S
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 3
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 9:47:02 AM
The something missing is something in the attraction to your physical features or personality. Spark is just attraction. She wanted to let you know that she recognizes that you a physically and otherwise attractive person. But not everyone is going to be attracted to everyone. It doesn't really matter why. What matters is that it's not there, and you can't (and she can't) force it to be there. You shouldn't think of yourself as any less attractive because she in particular isn't attracted to you. But she knows what she wants. No point in questioning that. Everyone wants to be attracted to their romantic partner.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 4
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 10:07:15 AM
Because people don't fall for everyone they think is nice and attractive. I meet good looking and interesting people all the time but it does not mean that I want them to be my significant other. Sometimes friendship is all there is.
It is NOT an American thing, couples all over the world choose one another for reasons that other people simply do not understand every day. Attraction is not black and white. And girls do not always tell the truth for fear of hurting your feelings. Perhaps you are not as culturally assimilated as much as some American girls would like, perhaps your mannerisms, style of dress or family traditions make the girls you are seeking uncomfortable. A 20 year old girl is not necessarily very mature. Your chances for not getting a date are the same as any other guy on here.
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 5
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 10:45:11 AM
What you don't know yet is that when women say attractive, they say it as a rating of looks and do not mean to say they are attracted to you. That can be confusing. If a man finds a woman to be attractive it means he is attracted to her. If a woman finds a man to be attractive it merely means she can allow for someone else being attracted to him, which is to say he is not categorically repulsive. Women deal in "being attractive" daily and for them it has lost all ties to the phenomenon of attraction itself. That is why a woman can say you are attractive but at the same time say she is not attracted to you. Just one more of the tiny details that makes up the raging inferno of sexual frustration that has been ongoing ever since women got hold of language.
 4rumOnly
Joined: 5/27/2010
Msg: 6
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 11:01:08 AM
I agree with carolann. "Spark" ... "Chemistry" ..."Connection" .... whatever you want to call it, in my book, they all mean: to have a romantic attraction for.


These girls may have liked you as a friend or acquaintance, they might even think you are attractive -- BUT they did not have that romantic attraction towards you. Don't take it personal and move on. Look, truth is, I can make a bet that you would not fall for every single woman you went out on a date with either -- so same thing applies for those who date you. They just didn't want to hurt your feelings and tell exactly what it was that they weren't attracted to. I don't either (unless the guy was a complete jerk, of course!). If they were cordial and pleasant BUT I didn't feel any attraction towards them (could have been personality, mannerisms, looks, or a combination of any) -- I simply tell them I didn't feel the same level of chemistry for them and wish them luck. ..... It's just a polite way of saying "I am not attracted to you romantically".

Here's my own example of physical attraction. I think Brad Pitt is attractive -- but I am not attracted to him. He's just a good looking guy, but looks alone, he's not my cup of tea. Romantic attraction (physical and personality-wise) is just something that you can't explain sometimes. So believe them when they tell you that they didn't feel that spark. Have you ever thought of it this way? --> Why would you want to be with a woman who didn't feel that connection/spark/chemistry towards you?? .... You can't force these things. It's either there or it isn't.

I suggest stop blaming your dates and moping about it. Negativity is a very unattractive quality to have when you are trying to find someone to like you. Fact: Dating is all about selecting and rejecting. If we didn't need to do that, heck, we'd just nab the first single person we meet and marry them!!! ...
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 7
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 12:17:18 PM
OP, here's the thing. Women want a best friend. I know this sounds so dumb and it took years for me to understand it. As a guy, we don't want a best friend we want a girlfriend.

In my own case, I came to realize what they mean by a best friend. Lets say it a Friday afternoon, your at work and someone stops by to give you two tickets to your favorite, baseball team game, concert, whatever. Now, the first person who pops into your mind to accompany you to that even would be your best friend. That's what women want someone who'll be the first they thing about when they get free tickets to something because they know they want to spend time with that person before anyone else. That spark thing is for the birds, what they really look for is someone they enjoy spending time with, everything else falls into place after that.

You want to be the guy that they want to take to the game, period. Call it spark, fireworks, whatever it is still the same thing.

\/\/\/ I believe they call it alcohol...
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 8
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 12:20:06 PM
Imagine if attraction and compatible personalities were all it took to make people fall in love-- people would be falling in love right and left with multiple people. It makes sense that our bodies are programmed in such a way that it takes some kind of trigger (or spark) to set the wheels of love in motion. I met a guy from here who was attractive and we had a blast-- but I just didn't feel anything for him nor did he for me. I couldn't tell you what was missing but for some reason we had a strong buddy connection but not a romantic one. Who knows what causes that chemistry but maybe in the next 100 years some scientist will figure it out (and if he's a nerdy scientist, keep the info. to himself). "It" is either there or it isn't and there's not much you can do to force it. If feeling "it" tends to come easily to you, consider yourself fortunate because it should be that much easier to find someone who feels it in return.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 9
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I'm not attracted
Posted: 8/3/2010 12:24:07 PM
If I fell for everyone I simply like, I'd have more boyfriends than I could count!

In any other part of the world, women - in places where they get to choose, anyway, but that's another subject entirely - need to feel attracted to a man, too, in order to want to be with him. This is not an American thing.

As for the woman who said that she is attracted to you, and likes your personality, my guess is there's something she isn't telling you that's off-putting for her. I've met a couple for whom this would apply, too, and I'm not going to enumerate here just what I felt was wrong with them, but it was both major and unfixable in both cases.

I did tell them, but this is not an easy thing to do. At an age that might be appropriate for you to date, I find it very understandable that this could be really quite impossible. I'm not sure I could have done it at 21 or so, either.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 10
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I'm not attracted
Posted: 8/3/2010 12:28:37 PM
I've been told:
- "I'm just not feeling it."
- "I don't think we have that deeper connection."
- "I'd really like you, I think, if we'd met two years ago."
- "I'm not sure, I mean, you're cute and funny and all, but you're missing something I can't put my finger on."

I just chalked it up to female indecisiveness and moved on. Either that, or they met someone else they liked better, are trying to be polite in letting me down, or they have reservations about something I said.

Either way, who cares? Move on.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 11
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 12:30:39 PM
It's called pheromones. There's a lid for every pot - and sometimes the determining factor is that 'spark' - or pheromones. Haven't you ever looked at a couple and wondered 'what does he/she see in her/him?' It's not just physical features, it's a chemical compatability. I think much like a peacock's feathers - pheromones are meant to attract the female to the male - which is why men don't seem to 'get it'. If you've ever had a woman 'sniff' you - or say 'mmmmm you smell good' - she's tweakin on your pheromones.
 Deuce Light
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 12
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 1:05:31 PM
Spark is a funny thing. I've used that line, and honestly so, on many a date in the past bc to me spark is everything. If I don't feel it then it's just like dating your sister or your neighbour who you've known all your life. You can't force it, or change it; it's either there or it's not. Some people warm up to it quickly and others need many dates before they start to notice it. For me I know it really quickly, usually in a couple dates. By about the fourth meeting if I'm not feeling any of it beyond a physical or mental attraction I'm not going to waste my time really.

I am going through somethign right now where there was a spark, we dated for about 7 months, and then she had a shift in her feelings suddenly and lost that spark. Shit happens though, and you can't control how other people think or feel.
 pirateheaven
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 13
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 2:08:28 PM
I think we can learn something from dogs, they take a couple of good whiffs and they identify compatibility in seconds.
 Rarebird76
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 14
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 2:27:28 PM

This is really bothering me lately. I've seen so many threads from women here saying they met a guy who is so sweet, caring, nice, charming & even physically attractive yet they don't feel anything for that person. Ex. of a post " So I met this really sweet guy from here. Hes funny, sweet, caring... the whole nine yards. But, i just don't feel anything real for him... Which stinks because hes everything i ever wanted in a boyfriend"
Funny stuff. I think some women need to figure out what they really want rather than what comes out of their mouth for public consumption. Now where's my 'no chemistry' shirt I ordered. My 'no princesses' cap is lonely.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 15
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 3:04:11 PM
what you may not be getting, op, is that people are complex and subject to conflicting needs and desires, the hierarchy of which can shift.

so a woman (or man) can meet someone who looks made to order, and be attracted to that person, and want to bang their lights out, yet shy away from contact. why? maybe not recovered from the last breakup. maybe ashamed of not having a job and living with the parents. maybe carrying a big load of suppressed childhood issues around. there are a million reasons, most of which will never be mentioned, many of which operate below the level of consciousness.

as frustrating as this may seem, it only gets worse the more you dwell on it. reading profiles on pof, it's easy to think the key to connection is as simple as meeting a few items on a checklist. it never is, and it can't be quantified, so the best analysis yields this conclusion: there's no point in analyzing.
 QUIET WHISPERS
Joined: 3/22/2010
Msg: 16
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 3:23:29 PM
SOME PEOPLE ARE EFF-ING NUTS & CAN'T DEAL W/ A GOOD THING...LOOK AT ME, LOL
 ExoticEye
Joined: 7/18/2010
Msg: 17
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 5:16:10 PM
Funny you mention that because she said that me and her could be best friend. But I don't think it's possible unless I turned gay all of a certain.
 ExoticEye
Joined: 7/18/2010
Msg: 18
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 5:26:29 PM
If that spark/chemistry is so elusive then we have to ask ourselves what are the odds of both people meeting and developing sparks simultaneously to make a long-lasting loving relationship. At this point, i've almost given up on finding true love & i'm only 24!!!!!!!!!
 ray12k
Joined: 4/19/2010
Msg: 19
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 5:35:41 PM

If that spark/chemistry is so elusive then we have to ask ourselves what are the odds of both people meeting and developing sparks simultaneously to make a long-lasting loving relationship. At this point, i've almost given up on finding true love & i'm only 24!!!!!!!!!


hehe just be your self and stop looking, thats when chicks think you have the spark. You are still 24, if I was you i would just step back and enjoy life. maybe date a few chicks that dont spark for you.
 deborah815
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 20
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 6:11:26 PM
Striking out with American women? Start traveling, maybe you'll find the elusive spark overseas. And maybe an "intimate encounter" along the way. Good luck!
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 21
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 7:58:12 PM
Well, you're looking for an "intimate encounter" (casual, no strings attached sex). What do you care about falling in love and/or if there's a "spark" or "chemistry"?
 pitufina_77
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 22
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/4/2010 2:21:51 AM
I think it's the code for both men and women!!!
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 23
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/4/2010 2:40:15 AM

No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want


No it isn't.

It means you will not see them nekid..sober.
 ProcolHarem
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 24
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/4/2010 3:13:04 AM

It means you will not see them nekid..sober.
hehe

It means...You're ok, and "no spark" is the easiest way to let you down without really hurting your feelings.
Better that than...Sorry, but you're too fckin ugly.

Sparks...Chemistry? All bullshyt anyway.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 25
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/4/2010 3:32:23 AM

No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Hahahahahahahahahaha........ You just keep believing that...
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