Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > I lied about my marital status but more to it then that      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 mrmatykus
Joined: 1/15/2010
Msg: 1
I lied about my marital status but more to it then thatPage 1 of 1    
So I have been separated for almost a year trying like hell to get divorced. 6 months ago I started the online dating thing and I put separated and I was getting no where. Being lonely and approaching what I thought was going to be a quick divorce I decided to change my profile to divorced. I know its bad but I figured by the time I meet someone worth It be divorced.

So I meet this awesome woman and I tried so many times in the month and half we dating to tell her I just couldn't for fear of messing things up. All the while I knew I was messing things up anyway by lieing.

So I decide to come clean a few days ago and I call her, no answer, text no reply. I was in a frenzy to get it out. I hadn't been sleeping well for two weeks, lost 5 lbs due to the stress and guilt. I was close to her home so I dropped by only to find a babysitter and no GF. What was odd is I was with her the entire weekend and even mentioned she needed a babysitter and she said nothing about the fact she had one yet 1 day later she is out and now has a babysitter. We had established exclusive status weeks before yet she was still online everyday with dating as her status. I didnt think it was a big deal. I left and I get no call that night. I kinda got a bad vibe the day before.

So I send her an email telling her about the lie and basically she responds by saying I was out of line for going to her house she was out with a friend and she would have ended things anyway because I lied.

We had spent the last two weekends together and I had no inclination anything else might be going on.

So my question is. If you where into a guy and he did this would you have reacted the same? Would you ever forgive him after the initial reaction settled?

Thank god in one week I will be officially divorced so I don't have to deal with the stigma of the separated guy.

I know I messed up but I was crazy about this woman in so many ways.

Thanks,
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 2
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 1:37:22 PM
You are not the only person who puts 'Divorced' as their status while in the midst of legal proceedings. For her to get upset about you showing up at her house is what would make me suspicious and the fact that she didn't answer when you called or text, is really questionable. Sounds like she's been seeing someone on the side and is using your marital status lie as a way of making you the bad guy.

When your divorce is final, be honest about everything with the next woman you meet. That way it can't come back to bite you on the butt. Personally, being 2 1/2 months from having his divorce finalized wouldn't be enough to keep me from dating a man but I would want to know the real story.

Lying NEVER turns out well.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 3
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 1:39:05 PM
You're 6 weeks too late.

Some might have forgiven you if you had told the truth immediately, but now it's just bad news.

You lied and you weren't fair to her. It's disrespectful. How can people make good decisions when the real facts arent known? Since you didn't give her the chance to choose whether or not to consider a separated man, you denied her the information she would need to form an opinion about a relationship with you.

You decided that she would reject you because of your status and it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You never even gave her an honest chance.
 deborah815
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 4
view profile
History
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 1:47:11 PM
Personally, I can't stand it when someone lies to me. Why don't you take some time off from dating for awhile until you are divorced.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 5
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 2:09:18 PM
Sorry, I'm not buying that you dropped by her house because you were overcome with the urge to tell her the truth, after maintaining the lie for over a month. So, you felt like something was up with her, you went by her house unannounced and confirmed your suspicions. Who knows, maybe she sensed something was shady with you, and that's why she wasn't taking the relationship too seriously? Or maybe she was just shady all along, and you didn't pick up on it sooner because you were distracted by your own shadiness.

Aside from that, if a guy I had only been seeing for a month decided to stop by my house unannounced, I would find it off putting, I would assume he had done so to check up on me, and I would be done with him on the spot. I don't do manipulators or game players.

If I learned a guy I was dating had LIED TO MY FACE for over a month, about something as relevent as maritual status, I would lose any respect or trust I had developed for him, and again, be done with him on the spot as well.

I think you'll find that most people will be more inclined to work with you on an inconvenient truth, than to forgive you after the fact if you lie about it. Plus, they'll still be able to respect you... that just doesn't happen for a liar.

And you know, women that refuse to date seperated men do so for very good reasons, and I find it hugely offensive that you feel you have the right to lie to them and try to trick them into a situation that they were clear up fron that they DID NOT want to be in. You're violating their right to make an informed choice in order to manipulate them into giving you what YOU want, and that's just reprehensible.

I'm sure I would forgive that in time, but never enough to allow that person back into my life. My vote: permanent shitlist for you buddy, at least for this girl. I wouldn't suggest you play that game again.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 6
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 2:14:47 PM
Now he's listed as single.

Where did that pretty little blonde girl come from? You are either divorced or separated, you are not single.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 7
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 2:18:08 PM
^^ And his profile states that "Honestly is his middle name"... go figure
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 8
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 2:33:35 PM

You are either divorced or separated, you are not single.

While I do think a person should choose "divorced" if they've been married, it's not inaccurate to go with "single." It's really the limitation of the site that it isn't more specific with "never married."

I can understand why the OP put single and probably wouldn't hold it against him. However, it would still be a red flag so I'd make sure to verify his explanation.

As for the unannounced visit, I'm not keen on anybody doing that. It's just too easy these days to notify someone that you're coming and if you can't get in touch with them, that might mean they're occupied. If I'm not expecting someone, I don't even bother to check who's at the door so it would just be a waste of time. So yeah, I can understand why your drop-in was not well-received. Add to that the possibility that her "friend" was actually a guy she was dating and this might have been an easy opportunity for her to break things off with you.

And his profile states that "Honestly is his middle name".

That's acceptable on a technicality--- he wrote "honestly" instead of "honesty." And he does follow it up with "not really."
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 9
view profile
History
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 2:38:04 PM
WTF?
...tried so many times in the month and (a)half we(were)dating to tell her...
Then you state
...we had established exclusive status weeks before...
. You are quite the player. Not even divorced, already establishing 'exclusivity' with a woman you had just met and then get your undies in a bunch because she hired a babysitter and went out with a friend? You say
Iwas crazy about this woman in so many ways
. I think you are the CRAZY ONE!
 NiceandEdgy
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 10
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 3:28:53 PM
Dude NEVER lie. Let me repeat that... NEVER lie. No woman or man wants to date nor can trust a person who is deceitful. Believe me I understand where you are coming from. I am separated near 3 years, and my ex is being a pain about getting the divorce. She does not want the divorce but I resolutely do... so she moved and I cannot get her contact info to file. But I still have no prob finding women to date in my area.

Seriously, never lie, it is a betrayal and ruins trust. If you love a woman you ALWAYS tell the truth... even if it is at your own expense.

(Stepping off soapbox now)

Live and learn brother. I bet you are a great guy and just made a mistake. I honestly hope she can forgive and more importantly trust again so you may have a happy life together. Women need to feel secure and one way to earn her trust is to always be honest with her. Not brutally honest, but lovingly honest. She will respect and love you for it... er... well most women anyway... my luck has not been so good...

Good luck!
 sarniafairyboy
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 11
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 3:36:55 PM

So I have been separated for almost a year trying like hell to get divorced. 6 months ago I started the online dating thing and I put separated and I was getting no where. Being lonely and approaching what I thought was going to be a quick divorce I decided to change my profile to divorced. I know its bad but I figured by the time I meet someone worth It be divorced.

So I meet this awesome woman and I tried so many times in the month and half we dating to tell her I just couldn't for fear of messing things up. All the while I knew I was messing things up anyway by lieing.

So I decide to come clean a few days ago and I call her, no answer, text no reply. I was in a frenzy to get it out. I hadn't been sleeping well for two weeks, lost 5 lbs due to the stress and guilt. I was close to her home so I dropped by only to find a babysitter and no GF. What was odd is I was with her the entire weekend and even mentioned she needed a babysitter and she said nothing about the fact she had one yet 1 day later she is out and now has a babysitter. We had established exclusive status weeks before yet she was still online everyday with dating as her status. I didnt think it was a big deal. I left and I get no call that night. I kinda got a bad vibe the day before.

So I send her an email telling her about the lie and basically she responds by saying I was out of line for going to her house she was out with a friend and she would have ended things anyway because I lied.

We had spent the last two weekends together and I had no inclination anything else might be going on.

So my question is. If you where into a guy and he did this would you have reacted the same? Would you ever forgive him after the initial reaction settled?


so now he says 'single' -- lying again when the site has a divorced' option, clearly intending 'single' to mean 'never married' & distinct from 'divorced'
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 12
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 4:03:59 PM
Eh, now.... Didn't you know that it would backfire? Seriously?

... I tried so many times in the month and half we dating to tell her but

You didn't try hard enough. Unless you have some serious speech impairment, or terminal sore throat, or really poor knowledge of English, or a foot in your mouth... nope, I don't believe you tried. If you couldn't say it, you could write it or use sign language, or play a game of charades, there is more than one way to communicate ya know?

... but I was crazy

You still are, if you believe you can get away with it.

If you where into a guy and he did this would you have reacted the same? Would you ever forgive him after the initial reaction settled?

I wouldn't be 'into' a married guy. I google my prospects. And no, I wouldn't forgive, a lie is a lie, and fibbing in thebeginning of any relationship is a lousy start.

 FunkyMonkee
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 13
view profile
History
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 5:41:41 PM
She is taking the piss. You are high and on rebound.

It isn't hard to tell the truth and explain/defend that position - most people are reasonable and respond well to a spirited and honest assessment of a situation.

You lie .. well .. what does it say about you .. .no balls at the very least -- sorry.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 14
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 5:57:52 PM
From OP's profile:

"I’m really good at?
Anything I put my mind to..."

It appears telling lies is what he is putting his mind to lately, he is now "single"

Anybody who can't be by themselves for a year is not going to be good company
for anybody, but judging by the insincere smile on OP's picture, I bet he doesn't want company he wants to be a player.

And the player got played? That's harsh! She was already out and about, she most have ESP and just beat you to the punch.

Using your daughter's picture as a bait, it's a little too much, get a puppy instead.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
view profile
History
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 6:06:12 PM
^^^Let's not involve an innocent animal in all this.

Anonymously me pretty much summed it up for me, so I don't have to repeat it. I agree with everything she said.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 16
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 7:50:37 PM
Lies always find a way to bite you in the butt and come out. Ok, yes sometimes truth can bite you in the butt sometimes but not the point here.

You should of kept it as Seperated and be patient. Yes alot of women want to avoid guys with that status but not all feel that way. Dating wasn't ment to be easy, regardless of your status.

You very well know both men and women hate liars.

For the unannonced visit to her home... to me she over reacted, expecially if this is the first time you've done this. It's when you make this unannonced visits a bad habit that's when she has the right to react the way she did.

If a guy told me from day of meet or within one of the messages before meeting or on msn that he's in a middle of divorce, so only currently seperated... i would give him credit for be honest and telling the truth but i would tell him if still interested contact me again once offically divorced....

But.....

After a seperation then divorce, shouldn't date anyone for awhile... cause if meet someone new and get into a relationship already so soon after all is finalized then not only your partner is just a rebound, the chances of it working out isn't high.
 sweetequity
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 17
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 8:19:02 PM
A relationship built on lies does not a solid foundation make.

I think she has every right to be upset. She can't trust you because your relationship was based on a lie from the jump. There are plenty of women who would be willing to start a relationship with a separated man so long as they knew the marriage was in fact over. You made a mistake, be honest on your profile and live up to the tagline and move on but if this girl doesn't come back, you can't blame her for it.

I would not be deterred by a separated man. I would be deterred by a separated man who deceived me into thinking he was divorced.
 Silent Steel
Joined: 2/18/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/12/2010 10:07:21 PM
Dating a guy who is lying about being married , is one of the biggest fears that women have with online dating. Not taking time in between relationships prevented you from realizing the obvious.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 19
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/13/2010 4:45:07 AM
YOU LIED.

Period. End of story. Tried to tell her my ass...you knew she'd kick you to the curb, that's why you didn't tell her.

Crazy? Yes you are.

YOU LIED. You can't POSSIBLY think that you can start a real relationship lying...can you?

You didn't give her the option...that's not a man, that's a weasel.
 Jewlsey*
Joined: 1/24/2009
Msg: 20
I lied about my marital status but more to it then that
Posted: 8/13/2010 5:11:24 AM
Nothing worse than liars....actually there is...liars trying to deflect blame on others.

Most women, myself included, steer clear of separated men because of past bad experiences.

This very situation happened to me when the guy knew how I felt about dating separated men. He lied that he was divorced. I found out and prompty dumped him via text. And no, I don't even feel a morsel of guilt for dumping him by text. He didn't derseve better than that.
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > I lied about my marital status but more to it then that