| | He flaked on our date...forgivable or notPage 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | | Was seeing this guy for 5 weeks. Things happened fast as I felt we had a connection. We hung out often (every weekend) . Well last Sunday he invited me to go to dinner...I got ready and he never called! This is the first time he flaked on me. I've noticed he's become distant for the last week or so I didn't even bother to call him that night to see what was going on (pride I guess) . Anyhow, he did text me in the am apologizing and wanted to make up for it during the week if i would let him. As much as I wanted to say yes I just said that I anticipated a hectic work week and maybe later. He apologized again and wished me a good day. Since that last text he hasn't contacted me since and its unusual because he texts me everyday. I just felt that he blew me off for something better to do and did not have the decency to tell me. I would've understood. I am really bummed as I wanted something to grow between us. I'm wondering if he will contact me again? I left the ball in his court to see what he will do. Or is it a done deal becuase I turned him down. I like him so I am willing to give it a chance again but I dont feel I should contact him. Thoughts? | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 5:44:55 PM | | and btw, I have kept the relationship light- no pressure kind of thing. Reason why we hung out all the time is because he always initiated it. I realized re-reading my post I sounded clingy lol | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 5:50:52 PM | He's simply resetting the relationship to how he wants it to be.
With the potential added bonus of you chasing him, showing he is worth chasing, getting you to define his value.
All of this
its unusual because he texts me everyday.
and the stuff in the beginning that shows he really really really likes you is simply payment in order to get your hopes up that is the kind of guy he is.
So now it's time to revert back to whom he really is and hope you stick around.
Whether you do or don't stick around, he wins. You either validate his stereotypes about women, or his self image. No matter what he gets something out of this short term relationship.
So it really doesn't matter what you do, the game will just continue with you or without you.
If you like the games you can play this push me pull you work through indirect communications and only ever be seen as an extension of him game forever. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 5:56:54 PM | ^^^^^
I agree with that essentially.
You can however elect to take the initiative and ask him out. Use that to set down some rules. Confront him with some of the specifics above.
See what he does then.
Men do make arses of themselves sometimes and they wise up when they know things are serious.
You can become more valuable to a partner when you stand up for yourself at the same time as showing you care about the future of a relationship. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 5:59:04 PM | he did text me in the am apologizing
How personal...
If he was really sorry an apology comes in person...
It is forgivable but I think you are in for more flakie behaviour. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 6:02:01 PM | i think whether you've been seeing somebody for 5 weeks or 5 days, common courtesy dictates an explanation if they can't meet an appointment. and by that i mean, before the date, not the next *@#% day. really, it's not too much for anyone to ask. what kind of a self-absorbed sick f#ck makes a date with somebody they've been seeing for 5 months and then just goes MIA? absolutely unforgiveable, unless he's in the hospital coughing up a lung. what if you went out to dinner with a guy and he started picking his nose at the table... forgiveable?? oh but it's basically a harmelss act!! bullshit, because you & i both know it's more about what that kind of behavior implies about a person's judgment & character than the mere act itself. so the fact that he texted you in the morning rather than pick up the freakin phone and call you when he clearly had an opportunity to do so tells me that something sucks about this and namely, it's him. that part i am sure about. we can guess about the rest, like he has another iron in the fire. okay, whatever. what a Douchebag.... with a Capital D. and on that basis alone, anything he has to say from this point forward is suddenly, and completely, irrevocably, irrelevant. IMO. what are you, chopped liver?
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 6:38:06 PM | | Whether it's forgivable or not depends completely on how you feel about it. If it were me, an apology alone would not be forgivable. There are two transgressions here (not showing up and not contacting you beforehand) so he'd need very good explanations for both ("I rescued a bunch of orphans from a burning building and must have dropped my phone inside so I couldn't contact you until I got a replacement phone this morning after spending all night ensuring they had places to sleep.") | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 6:48:17 PM |
self-absorbed sick f#ck makes a date with somebody they've been dating for 5 months and then just goes MIA?
five weeks, but who's counting. might wanna wipe that froth off your computer before it shorts.
well, op, here's how i handle such things. when i don't know someone very well, first transgression gets the benefit of the doubt, because there are things in people's lives that are more important than a date. maybe he was in an accident, maybe a loved one was; you just don't know in the moment, and if you fill that information gap with heated assumptions like this one ...
I just felt that he blew me off for something better to do and did not have the decency to tell me ... maybe it's you who ends up getting burned.
second, i'd never handle the subsequent commication by text. too laborious for the long explanation the circumstances may demand, and too easy to misconstrue meanings without the voice cues. yes, it's easy for you to go to the place of 'i will not take the additional step beyond text of calling, because HE owes ME.' but if you like the guy, maybe that's worth it. if it turns out his reason is legit, it was definitely worth it.
but you made some assumptions and time has passed, the dynamic has locked in and now you think you're stuck in the little power dance in which the first one to blink loses.
Or is it a done deal becuase I turned him down.
not necessarily. maybe he's having his own bit of pridefulness, figuring two apologies puts the ball in YOUR court. or maybe he's ashamed of not handling it better and is staying out of your sight. or maybe he IS a king-hell d|ck. point is, you can take a step on your own behalf, or not. you can call. or not.
i would try to have no expectations. i would also log the incident. forgiveness can be noble, but forgetting is just plain dumb. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 6:51:09 PM | | I restrained from "setting some rules" or letting him know how I felt (that it bothered me) because I felt that the relationship is kind of new - we never had the exclusive talk just dated but def acted like a couple when we were together. I didn't express becuase I didnt want to scare him off now its left open and awkward letting me believe that he will not contact. Why do men bother with all that and then do what they want and change their minds? Am I like a tshirt they try on? Im getting tired of it becuase I have a lot to offer and I keep finding d-bags. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 6:54:23 PM | I have a two strike rule.
First time: I put you on notice,I let you know how I feel about the situation, and what happens if the situations happens again.
Second time: You're done. Why? I gave you fair warning the first time and you still went and ahead did it again. Why would I then invest more time on someone who doesn't respect me enough not to do something that Im not cool with. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 6:55:13 PM | i would try to have no expectations.
that's right! a one-size-fits-all solution to every conceivable problem. i approach all my relationships exactly the same way... especially somebody i'm sharing bodily fluids with because at least it guarantees i'll never have to be disappointed by their abysmally inconsiderate acts. meanwhile, my dentist charges a $25 fee for the people who don't call to cancel their appointments within at least 24 hours. it's called a tax on stupid, and i think he should double it. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:13:37 PM | "I just said that I anticipated a hectic work week and maybe later"
"I left the ball in his court to see what he will do."
Hmm, it sounds to me as if he is waiting for that 'later'. I'd say the ball is in your court. Too sad, another relationship down the drain because both are waiting for the other to pick up that ball... | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:19:44 PM | If he's been acting flaky anyway, and then this happens, then I'd say your hunch is right, and he has something else he's trying out, while hoping to string you along until he sees where that goes, which is a crappy thing to do, and not worth making the effort to get past. But there is the possibility that he's starting to really like you, and feeling a little overwhelmed with that. Some guys act strange when they're wrestling with inner conflict like that, and do something like this to guage a reaction from you, get an idea where they stand. I'm not saying it's the right way to go about things, or the mature way to handle that discomfort, but I do think it happens sometimes.
What I don't get is this: If you think it's possible that it's forgivable, and you like him and would like to try to get past it and possibly continue a relationship, why didn't you ask him directly what the hell happened, and let him know how disappointed you were?
Acting like it was no big deal, and you're just too busy to hang out this week is really indirect, almost as passive aggressive as what he did. As it stands, you're left with no information, and everything's just hanging in the balance, which is exactly what you don't want.... why did you set yourself up to be there? Call him back, and tell him you felt hurt and disrespected by what he did, and ask directly for an honest explanation. People that can't or won't communicate with each other like adults cannot have an adult relationship.
If he's still flaky, then screw it, but at least you did the grown up thing. But if his answer sounds reasonable, or like something the two of you might be able to resolve, then you've lost nothing, and helped ease him through the discomfort that sometimes comes from growing pains in a relationship. This is exactly the kind of action that would help him learn that you can be trusted to understand his personal quirks, and has the potential to bring you closer as a couple.
But if you are a person who prefers direct communication, then you need to make every effort to communicate directly, all the time, regardless of how other people are behaving. You'll either be compatible, or you won't, but at least you'll be YOU, and not a wishy washy who fluctuates depending on how other people are acting. I hope this whole thing works out in a way that works for you. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:23:51 PM | second, i'd never handle the subsequent commication by text. too laborious for the long explanation the circumstances may demand, and too easy to misconstrue meanings without the voice cues. yes, it's easy for you to go to the place of 'i will not take the additional step beyond text of calling, because HE owes ME.' but if you like the guy, maybe that's worth it. if it turns out his reason is legit, it was definitely worth it.
I agree with this. I do like him and I could forgive and try it out again if he came around. Thing as what other posters mentioned its not sincere to text which is all he does! He doesnt call me..only text. In my heart I believe that it wasnt somewhere important rather somewhere else/friend he wanted to hang out with - which is fine just tell me. I'm hesitant on texting him since the last one i sent was goodnight or something to that extent. grrr all this texting nowadays is convinient but not for the dating world! lol I cant help but feel anxious now. I need to try to forget about it but its hard. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:34:12 PM | | Depending on the circumstances, I might the other person the benefit of the doubt the first time. But if it happened a second time, then I would end things with him. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:37:24 PM | | He just asked if I wanted to go to dinner and never bother to tell me what time or where...I let the day go by thinking he would text later at 5 or something but nothing. He didn't give me an excuse the next day - he just apologized and asked if he can make it up by taking me out this week. And to add more, he lives 20 minutes away from me and I always drive up there to his town. I dont mind really since theres more a variety of restaurants there but still I never complained to travel for him. He feel he always expected me to drive to him. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:39:32 PM | | i would theoretically extend the benefit of the doubt as it would be a reasonable thing to do, but the OP already laid out the before and after scenarios. so there is not much room for either doubt or benefit,,,. unless you are the guy in this game, who could clearly give a sh*t one way or the other, and is not the person second-guessing the value of his feel-good feelings against more objective & substantial measures, like actual behavior. per guywanderer's post. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:41:16 PM | | I don't understand the whole not text ya if he couldn't make the dinner. Even then I would wonder the reason why at the last minute. I dunno, maybe I'm callous on it, but if they flake on a date, that might be well who they are. If he didn't at least text ya a reason right away then either hes playing ya, or something major has happened. I dunno, a decent human being would tell ya if something happened... | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:44:14 PM | | Thats what I wanted to do - forgive and see if it happens again but I got advice (majority) that I should not be at his beck and call and play like I am busy and leave it up to him if he really wants to see me again. It was hard becuase I do want to see him but at the same time I know I would've felt stupid. I'm confused how to feel now :| | |
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ray12k
| | Joined: 4/19/2010
Msg: 21 | |
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:49:34 PM | Op he might not want you as a gf and more of a ego boost when he gets bored. Come on he did not even call you a day or 2 later he text you...
He prob. liked you at first then felt you would not work out for ltr and decided it would be easier to talk to you and slowly break away from you to make it easy.
Your best bet is to deleate his number and move on. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 7:53:32 PM | Just think , why would YOU not text or call if you said to him you
would want to go to dinner that night?
Marsha Brady said "something suddenly came up"
More like "Someone suddenly came up" in this case
If he is not saying, somebody died
His dog got ran over
Best friend was taken to the hospital
Not even, work related excuses?
Just apologized?
He had to be with somebody else
Sorry
You made it too easy for him and he thinks he has you wrapped around his little finger
He misunderstood you being easy going with being weak
So from now on
he'll .......
"With the potential added bonus of you chasing him, showing he is worth chasing, getting you to define his value."
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 8:03:14 PM |
Not even, work related excuses? Just apologized? He had to be with somebody else
I know I kind of thought this too. If he was into me he wouldn't want me to think less of him by doing this. Heck I would text him when I was running 20 minutes late! I was too nice to him. Maybe he wants a beyotch :P | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 8:18:02 PM | Sorry, but im a bit less forgiving these days when it comes to someone that flakes out on me.
We live in an age, of cell phones, text messages, email, facebook, and various other ways to get in touch with someone. Why would you need to vanish on someone you've made a date with, without ANY excuse or valid reasons?
With the exception of some accident or something beyond their control, I cannot excuse that.
I MAY give the person the benefit of the doubt if they express that it was some huge event, but even then....Not even a text? Okay fine.
If this person flakes out a second time. You end it completely. | |
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| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/17/2010 8:19:22 PM | If they offer a replacement/raincheck when they flake, it's acceptable once.
If they flake and offer no make up date, they aren't interested, send them away and walk away with you pride. | |
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