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 PURPLE PASSION 28
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 1
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When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I am reading a great book by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Its an eye opener about relationships and how we end up with the wrong people. In the book it says we have to be with someone a long time to know its real love. Not obsession or infatuation. What if your with this person a long time and they end up saying sorry your not the one? There must be an easier way to tell if someone is really the one without spending years of your life invested in this one person. Things happen and yes it is always taking a chance. Yet we are only on this earth for a few years. Not a whole lot of time to be wasted on the wrong person.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 2
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When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 6:27:29 AM
Worrying about time invested is a scarcity approach which will lead to strategy rather than relating.

Your question boils down to: "yes, it is always taking a chance but how do I eliminate chance from the equation?"
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 3
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 6:35:39 AM
Frankly, if it's 'real love' you'll want that person to be happy, even if it's not with you. Anything else is obsession, or a self centered 'love'. There are no guarantees. You can love someone with every fiber of your being, but if they don't feel the same way about you, they're not going to stick around. How can you know? Open your eyes wide, and observe their behavior. If we're honest with ourselves, we can determine if our s/o is acting out of genuine love, or simply going through the motions. It's just a matter of being honest with ourselves, and acting on what we see.
 nancyxoxx
Joined: 8/5/2010
Msg: 4
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 7:29:28 AM
.... There is no wasted time... nor wrong people that souls connect to. Lessons learned and they are the ones you are attracting to you for whatever reasons. xoxxx
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 5
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When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 7:38:39 AM
First off.......don't believe everything you read! Just because 2 people wrote a book doesn't make them experts on your or my life!

Now......if you meet a man and he treats you like you want to be treated, you enjoy each other's company, you smile just because you know you're going to see him today......
then why worry about if it's this "true everlasting love" ??

Life happens.....it could be 5 years or 20 years invested and have the same outcome.
Sometimes people grow apart.....sometimes people cheat.....sometimes people die.
Enjoy what you have now.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 6
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When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 7:40:58 AM
My Granny told me when I was about 21 that any man I date from then on was potential life partner material, so unless I want to miss out on meeting the man of my dreams don't stay with a 'maybe' guy for more than 3-6 months. Too many people drag out bad or unfulfilled relationships. No good relationship requires tons of work, constant forgiveness or leaves you feeling badly or unsure.
I tell my teenagers now that a good person will always do exactly what they say they will. You will never have to wait for a call, not know where you stand or have to fear being cheated on if the relationship is right and good.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 7
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 7:54:06 AM
so unless I want to miss out on meeting the man of my dreams don't stay with a 'maybe' guy for more than 3-6 months.


And just how has that advice been workin' for ya?

From much experience: Most everyone is a maybe guy for the first year or two.. Infatuation fades then..

Whatever our own hidden agenda is, we can't mandate that another person follow ours..

Finding and maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS the second greatest challenge of life.. Because we MUST give up about 50% control to another imperfect human such as oneself..
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 8
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 8:04:28 AM

First off.......don't believe everything you read! Just because 2 people wrote a book doesn't make them experts on your or my life!

Now......if you meet a man and he treats you like you want to be treated, you enjoy each other's company, you smile just because you know you're going to see him today......
then why worry about if it's this "true everlasting love" ??

Life happens.....it could be 5 years or 20 years invested and have the same outcome.
Sometimes people grow apart.....sometimes people cheat.....sometimes people die.
Enjoy what you have now.

 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 9
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 8:05:00 AM
I feel that love is something that happens over time. Knowing that you really care for someone is the impetus to simply continue to see them and see if your feelings continue to grow for one another. I don't think that there's a specific amount of time involved in falling in love. It takes roughly 2-3 months to get a good 'feel' for someone's basic personality, quirks and their family situation and interactions with others if you are seeing each other regularly and are around their friends and family. Others may not see all of these facets for several months or longer, so it's all relative.
At that juncture of understanding, then it takes time to just continue to date and see each other in different situations and simply share time together; to talk about what you both care to share on many levels; to simply enjoy life together.
I want to see someone in all situations and really get to know them for who they are; have many shared moments and opportunities, etc. Then ultimately, over time, these feelings simply grow.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 10
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 8:06:47 AM
You may also want to read "Love and Addiction" there can also be a fine line between the those two for some people ( codependancy etc ) . If you listen to some of the love songs out there it sounds more like an addiction/compulsion than love to me in many cases ( about how one person is willing to sacrifice everything else in their lives to have another - sounds like the rambling of a love junkie to me. )

To answer your question it is a something only you can decide. If on the whole the relationship is good for you as well as having all the heady emotions that come with chemistry in a sexual relationship then it may be love.
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 11
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 8:29:19 AM
If you want to be responsible then when you love someone you know it is an emotion you have. There is no finding love or finding the right one or real versus fake love. There is just you and the person you met and your emotion. You can have your emotion, see how it goes for you. You can notice whether you like having that emotion about that person, or if you don't like it.

At first when you love someone you are loving someone you don't know hardly at all. The more you get to know them and the more you have your emotion about them, the more you learn about them and about what it's like loving them. It might turn out you really enjoy it, or it might turn out you realize it sucks.

Obsession, infatuation and love share the quality of being feelings you have. For each you can say, "This is how I am feeling". When you feel something you can like it and keep doing it, or dislike it and stop doing it.

Being responsible is knowing that you create the emotions you feel about other people. The answer then for when you know about your emotion is when you think about the emotion. You can think about it now and know about it now, or never think about it and never know.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 12
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 8:39:46 AM
Face it, there are no short cuts. Relationships take time and work. If you are happy, wether it is 'true' love, lust or infatuation - what does it matter? You could get hit by a bus tomorrow! Why deprive yourself a moment of being happy? Life is too short. And even 'true' love ends eventually, even if only by death. So live, love, laugh and be thankful.
 pamsfl
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 13
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 8:44:15 AM
Infatuation wanes. Love grows. There are no guarantees in love or life.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
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When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 9:30:21 AM

Most everyone is a maybe guy for the first year or two


The OP is in her mid 50's, I'd say 1-2 years is far too long to spend in a relationship that is not making you extremely happy. You can certainly tell within a few months if the person is a good match for you or not.
 stone-1
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 15
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When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 9:44:39 AM
I like the responses from the people that said that love is caring about the other person's well being...

I'm not sure there's "right people" & "wrong people" I think there's just people that want the same things that we want in a relationship, and the rest...

I think that making sure to "date" people that value honesty & integrity, and want to be in the same kind of relationship (as we do), is about the most any of us can do to avoid "wasting" time.
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 16
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When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 9:47:59 AM
Infatuation is usually in the beginning stage of a relationship. It's that 'high' feeling that' merely has to do with hormones and dopamine rise.

Infatuation of course can grow in to love. Love is a much deeper emotion. When you actually truly love a person you notice they aren't in every way shape and form like you thought during the 'infatuation' stage....yet you still love them and are ok with them being not so perfect.

And obsession...well that's never a good thing. Obsessive 'love' is pretty dangerous if you ask me. That's why you see so many cases of spouses being murdered. If he/she calls you 60 times in an hour, don't be flattered. Relationships of obsessive nature are destructive and emotionally harmful IMO.

How does one know if you are in love, obsessed, or infatuated? Well it's not that hard to figure out really.

Are you watching every move of your significant other, checking for suspicious stains on their clothe, sit outside their window peeking at what they are doing? You are probably obsessed in a very unhealthy way and should get help. If you think about a person constantly and it's the beginning of your relationship it's merely infatuation which can pass or actually turn in to love. When you are in love you will know it, trust.

FYI there is no time limit that will make you certain if you are indeed in love or merely infatuated. Of course the longer you are with a person the love grows, that's common sense. And it's also the reality that you can be with a person for a decade and grow apart. There is simply no way to predict if your love will last forever and ever.
 torquoise pixie
Joined: 11/20/2008
Msg: 17
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 10:28:34 AM
I don't think that relationships that end in breakup are wasted in the first place. All relationships WILL end, if with nothing else, then with a death of one of the partners and this may be a long time before the surviving one dies.
Secondly, there isn't the ONE. There are people who you will be strongly, irresistibly attracted to, yes, but there might be many, or none even, that depends on so much and on your own willingness to love them too.
Now - why would it take years to get to know someone? Because we lie to ourselves. We create a fantasy and we try to mould the other person into it, instead of taking the time to know them BEFORE we jump into the bed (because afterwards we will have even more of rose coloured glasses, if everything seems to be going well). But it is so hard not to lie to yourself, if you are in certain frames of mind! So as they always say
1) be happy with yourself, love yourself, be happy alone first (if you want to be with someone because you cannot stand being alone, you are asking for a drama and a broken heart)
2) be truthful to yourself and the other (does not mean you have to spill everything immediately, but don't pretend, don't lie, don't fantasise, love the real person, not what you believe them to be
 Chill Pill
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 18
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 10:41:44 AM
"What if your with this person a long time and they end up saying sorry your not the one?"

Shyt happens. People end 40 year marraiges.
It doesn't always mean that it was a measure of how much they loved each other at one time or if it was only infatuation or obsession or the truest most purest form of love known to man.
It's just relationships and two people changing and growing sometimes in different directions. Someone can end a relationship and be completely in love with the person but know that in their intellect and given situation it's not going to work out. Not every break up is about the emotions. Sometimes it's just about lifes circumstances.
When I was graduating my high school sweetheart went to another state to go to college. I stayed at home to help my father who was dying of lung cancer. I gave up a scholarship so I could take a job at Raytheon and pay his mortgage.
I don't think I was ever more in love with someone, but we ended the relationship. He met a woman in college and ended up having 5 children with her.
Shyt happens.

So what if you are with someone 5, 10, 15 years and for some reason they decide you are not the "one". I would rather know then carry on a relationship that was a farce and have a man that was "pretending" loyalty, love and affection with me. I would
take the time to regroup and love myself, heal and get past the hurt and move on.

What else can someone do? It happens.

I have to quote my dear old Dad now that I mentioned him, he used to always say
" Nothing is Forever"
 snipehunter77
Joined: 6/25/2010
Msg: 19
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 11:10:16 AM
Well you can decide it is the wrong person at any point. But I agree with the book, I wouldn't trust that it is real until the 3rd or 4th year.
 PURPLE PASSION 28
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 20
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When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 11:10:56 AM
Carolann I agree with your post 100% Your Granny was a wise women. This book I am reading tells the telltale signs of someone who is not going to pan out in the long run. There are signs if we are willing to see them and not be all caught up in the clouds. lol
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 21
or inWhen does a person know they are in love and not obsessed fatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 11:21:49 AM

Not a whole lot of time to be wasted on the wrong person

If you are happy with someone for 1-50 years ..How can that be a waste?


so unless I want to miss out on meeting the man of my dreams don't stay with a 'maybe' guy for more than 3-6 months.


6-12 months is about how long it takes for most people to start to get to know the real you..
Don't get that statement.
You can become infatuated or obsessed in a very short time.
Real love takes time..


When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed infatuated?

When their needs and desires are put above or on par with yours.

I also agree real love grows as stated before and is unselfish and not jealous nor envious.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 22
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When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 12:38:24 PM
If you look at the object of your affection and see a pot full of bunny, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's an obsession...
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 23
or inWhen does a person know they are in love and not obsessed fatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 12:44:58 PM
relationships come and go for a variety of reasons. i never considered any of them a waste of time just because they didn't reach some happily ever after ending. when relationships do become "a waste of time", that's precisely when you end them. anyway, the important point is that i've learned something valuable or at least interesting about myself from every single one of them, so i don't really consider any of them to have been "a waste of time". they all lived & died based on their own merits.

if you are going to assume at the front end that a relationship might be "a waste of time", then that presupposes an open-ended and dynamic process must follow a very specific course of action towards a very specific goal otherwise you have "lost" something. i think that's a pretty odd and sneaky way to put your implicit demands and expectations on another person. and if a man actually had to wonder whether he really loved me or if he merely wished me harm when he didn't get his way, i think i'd be tempted to remove all doubt by putting him out of his misery immediately.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 24
When does a person know they are in love and not obsessed or infatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 1:07:09 PM
If you look at the object of your affection and see a pot full of bunny, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's an obsession...



^^^^




My Granny told me when I was about 21 that any man I date from then on was potential life partner material, so unless I want to miss out on meeting the man of my dreams don't stay with a 'maybe' guy for more than 3-6 months. Too many people drag out bad or unfulfilled relationships. No good relationship requires tons of work, constant forgiveness or leaves you feeling badly or unsure.
I tell my teenagers now that a good person will always do exactly what they say they will. You will never have to wait for a call, not know where you stand or have to fear being cheated on if the relationship is right and good.



I'm diggin' Granny's POV, and makes much sense! If you are dating someone and they are a "maybe".....IMO - not where I'd want to be!
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 25
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or inWhen does a person know they are in love and not obsessed fatuated?
Posted: 8/26/2010 1:17:08 PM

if you are going to assume at the front end that a relationship might be "a waste of time", then that presupposes an open-ended and dynamic process must follow a very specific course of action towards a very specific goal otherwise you have "lost" something. i think that's a pretty odd and sneaky way to put your implicit demands and expectations on another person.

Yes! It speaks to strategy rather than relating.

I can get how someone working through boundary issues might find it very useful to have a check list - sort of a "here's how I am going to ensure I am seeing this for how it is really, rather than how I usually delude myself into thinking it's something else." It's not, after all, about how someone else is fooling you, it really speaks to how people are capable of deluding themselves.

Even so, putting a time constraint on relating seems counter-intuitive to me. It is either working, or not. The problem would seem to be how, when faced with something that is not working, people delude themselves with things like "if he only understood, then it would be good" or "if he would only do this thing differently, then it would be good". It seems to me the bottom line to most self-delusions is we are asking people to be someone other than who they are in order to get the relationship we want. That's not relating.
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