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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?      Home login  
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 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?Page 1 of 1    
I have on my profile that at this time I am not interested in a relationship. A lot of that has to do with the fact that almost everytime I have gotten into a chat or phone conversation.if it goes that far.........ultimately the men start calling me sweetie, sexy, Princess, etc.
I am not opposed to any of thes terms by someone I know and have spent time with. However, I feel it is a bit too presumptious or familiar for an online conversation without even a meet. The few times that I have agreed to go on a date or a meet and greet.....at least four out of five times, the man tries to get a bit more agressive than I am ready for. It has made me a lot more than cautious about even being interested in re-joining the world of dating.
I am not a prude, but I prefer to get to know someone a bit. Then the first stolen kiss or when we are just walking and he puts my hand in his........seems a natural progresion.
Especially since the world of online dating is so much different than what most women my age would be used to.....why such a hurry???
 restrainingorder
Joined: 8/24/2010
Msg: 2
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 1:10:25 PM
Viagra is 10 dollars a pill that's why I'd imagine they are trying to move fast.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 1:23:40 PM
I can only guess that for some reason, so far, you have been keying on something in the men you HAVE been willing to meet, which is linked to them being "ina hurry."
I've seen lots of linkages in people. Someone who wants a DECISIVE partner, is surprised that everyone they choose is also PUSHY AND DEMANDING. Someone who wants someone "sensitive," finds they have to put up with moodiness. Perhaps you are attracted to someone who seems to have a lot of "positive energy," and you are finding that what you see as "positive energy" is actually just LUST.
I'd say just keep trying, and you'll likely find a way to refine your "picker" and begin to locate what you REALLY want in a fella.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 4
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 1:25:57 PM
I think you can articulate this to men without avoiding dating all together.
You do it here very well. You can simply tell them your preferences.
That you do not like "terms of endearment". You can tell them to slow down
if they are making you uncomfortable by being a " bit more agressive" than you feel
is appropriate for the timing.
You don't have to exclude yourself, you may include yourself but on your terms.

The world of online dating is what it is. Yes, we have gone past an era when the only
possible venues for meeting were through friends of friends, social organizations or bar rooms. This virtual world is quite different. I agree.
It does not mean that you can not navigate these waters and be in control of your own destination.
Perhaps this is not the avenue for you to re-join the world of dating or perhaps you can just change your stratergies and use communication to your advantage.

Why are you not drawing the line with the males that are crossing what you deem as healthy boundaries? It appears that you know what you find acceptable and not, so why don't you just express it to them?

A respectful gentleman will appreciate you for it. You don't have to bow out because some are not on the same page as you. You can dive back in, but just be very clear about how you want to be treated. You teach people how to treat you and you seem
intelligent enough to be able to handle the few that are being to "presumptuous".
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 5
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 2:03:51 PM
Why are you not drawing the line with the males that are crossing what you deem as healthy boundaries? It appears that you know what you find acceptable and not, so why don't you just express it to them?


This is a good question, and actually I have. I am very upfront about the things I am Ok with and those that make me uncomfortable. I have spent several hours chatting or talking on the pahone.....going out for the dinner, etc..and actually enjoying myself. One in particular I liked, when he walked me to my car...he was like a different person.
That was it for me even though he called a few times after that and apologized. His reasoning was that many women say no when they really mean yes. Well, not this woman.
Another one I had actually went to high school with. We went to a street carnival. We had a good time, dancing, eating, and watching bands. In my mind I though if he asked again, I would love to go. The " date" actually lasted for most of a day and night. I met some of the other couples he hang out with. I thought all was great. We get to my door and same thing. A quick kiss goodnight would have been enough to make me comfortable enough to go again. He got very amorous and I was turned off by it. He told me I needed to get with the program. Sex is a lot more casual these days and I would have problems with everyone if I was not willing to " put out".
I realize that not all men are this way.........and wondered if most of that behavior was indicidus to online dating?
From reading other forums I have seen that men that are truly interested in a woman are not willing to push so far as to scare them off.
I am fun, I love to laugh, and I try to take one at face value. My picker may just be way off.
The second poster gave me some to think about. I do like sensitive and positive energy. I just don't like pushy and moody. What I want most is for the man to be the same person in person as he says he is online.


I appreciate the responses so far.
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 6
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Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 2:08:36 PM
If you look sexy, why does he have to hold that back? Why does he have to hold back words that might potentially make any other woman feel good?

Hello
Its called "flirting".

I wouldn't call saying you look sexy, a huge hurry. He's not asking you for a BJ, just giving you a complement. Thats moving too fast????
Sheesh....you think you've never flirted before.

Just because you are cautious and have issues of self-confidence to which you have not resolved and are trying now to rush things by getting back into the dating scene is no reason why a guy can't flirt and try and show interest in you. For goodness sakes, woman complain about emails that are dry and say the same old thing...and they also complain about them paying complements. Please help us with exactly what we are suppose to say walking through this mine field of impossibility.

If your not ready to date, then don't date, buy a book....preferably one that is not a romance novel where the girl is swept off her feet by each others attraction in a matter of hours. Don't blame the guy who is trying to date you.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 7
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 2:34:26 PM

If you look sexy, why does he have to hold that back? Why does he have to hold back words that might potentially make any other woman feel good?

Hello
Its called "flirting".

I wouldn't call saying you look sexy, a huge hurry. He's not asking you for a BJ, just giving you a complement. Thats moving too fast????
Sheesh....you think you've never flirted before.


That may very well make another woman feel good by being called sexy in an initial email. Me it does not. Cute, Pretty, nice smile, etc are all things that make me smile and I return emails thanking them for the compliment. Then a conversation may go from there. A conversation of chatting may also stem from re-acting to my preference for a particular baseball of Football team.or my pictures of my grandson.
Those that START out telling me I look sexy or have a nice body etc, don't get answered.
You also are obviously not real familiar with the progression of many of these that start out that way. I used to try to be polite, but I don't even bother with that with them anymore.
What you call issues of self confidence may in fact be a confidence in who I am .
Your statement makes no sense :

Just because you are cautious and have issues of self-confidence to which you have not resolved and are trying now to rush things by getting back into the dating scene is no reason why a guy can't flirt and try and show interest in you.


I am not in any " rush" to get back into the dating scene..........I merely asked a question for which I have been in a quandry.
I am uncomfortable with someone being too familiar too quick and if that is offensive to what you feel is appropriate for you, then I am sorry. I merely asked a question, not for an armchair PHD of what you think my " problem" may be.
Those that insist on moving too fast may think my being cautious makes me lacking in self confidence or have issues. I call it self respect. As I would not try to force something on someone that would make them uncomfortable, I expect the same.
Some men like to be called, some like to do the calling. Some are in the middle.
I am not much for trying to push someone into what makes them feel out of their comfort zone. I am asking for the same.
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 2:35:28 PM

What I want most is for the man to be the same person in person as he says he is online.

the assumptions behind this statement are going to ruin you for online dating if you don't change them. how can you say what the real person is, when what you see on a profile is one millionth of one percent of the actual person? what you read in email and hear on the phone is one hundredth of one percent of the actual person? the only meaningful knowledge will only be gained in person. profile, e-mail and phone are only to weed out those with the most obvious dealbreaking characteristics, traits and life circumstances.

beware of the fantasy that's more a product of desire than of knowledge. if you don't get so attached to the idea that man represents before you meet and learn something about him, you won't be so disappointed if he turns out not to match it.

also, understand that in early courtship, women tend to make signals of attraction so tiny that most men would miss them even if we weren't so myopic about them in general. what that means is we usually aren't sure whether you want to bang us, so we figure we'll find out by making a pass at you. women are often offended because they interpret this as ignoring what you say and not caring about what you want, when in reality, we're just trying to determine that.

however, when this happens ...
He got very amorous and I was turned off by it. He told me I needed to get with the program. Sex is a lot more casual these days and I would have problems with everyone if I was not willing to " put out".
... the guy was out of line. he got his answer and tried to play the 'everyone's doing it' card. fault him for that, but don't fault him merely for trying. that's how our customs work: men offer, women say yes or no. your griping about having to say no puts you in the same category as men who gripe about having to initiate, and those guys are frequently termed to have 'no balls.'
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 9
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Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 2:44:02 PM
"If you look sexy, why does he have to hold that back? Why does he have to hold back words that might potentially make any other woman feel good?

Hello
Its called "flirting". "

Sounds more like 12 yrs. opinion of what flirting should be to me.

"Those that insist on moving too fast may think my being cautious makes me lacking in self confidence or have issues. I call it self respect. "

When I see that kind of behaviour, I think that the person acting like that isn't showing self respect or respect for the personal they are trying to date.

All this sweety, honey, sexy is exactly what these people call women at fast food restaurants etc. Hopefully, they are smart enough not to use those words with bank employees.

All it shows me is that they haven't grown up, and just don't get that it is common sense not to talk to strangers that way.

However, it sure helps to figure out quickly when to press the block delete button.
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 10
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Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 2:48:48 PM

I am not in any " rush" to get back into the dating scene..........
Those that insist on moving too fast may think my being cautious makes me lacking in self confidence or have issues.


It doesn't take a PhD. I got all that from what you told us in your original email.


..I am not interested in a relationship. ..
...It has made me a lot more than cautious about even being interested in re-joining the world of dating.


The impression some woman give is "Cute, Pretty, nice smile, etc "....however, in some cases, the first impression, a woman gives is "sexy"....this has nothing to do with having sex with that person per se. Your taking the word Sexy, and changing its meaning. If I said, hey your sexy...that DOES NOT ask a question of you, WILL YOU have SEX with me?

What Sexy is/means: A Physical attractiveness is the perception of the physical traits of an individual as being aesthetically pleasing or beautiful. The term often implies sexual attractiveness. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_attractiveness]

Its a generic word of attraction that actually is more "non-physical" in my mind than "physical". I'm not sure if I can describe the word sexy to you...but honestly, sexy can be something TOTALLY in a womans personality...and for me, it makes up about 90% of the word. You don't even have to know how she looks or be thinking about having sex with her at all. I could hear a womans voice and think she is sexy, then she sends a picture of herself and I cut my jugular in regret.

Your in "ASK a GUY"....I'm a guy. SEXY does not mean to many or some guys what you (or most woman) think it means. What your getting is a bunch more of the same womans perspective you already have.

The other terms, more of endearment, like "sweetie", and "babe"...I'm not talking about. Those terms mean nothing and only demean a woman. Now if someone is saying casually "Hey sexy".....then again that is not what I'm talking abut.
 Eowyn1776
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 11
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 2:53:35 PM
^^^^^^^
I guess I am on the other side of the fence with this, I dread the day men stop calling me sexy.......

OP: There is no reason you can't redirect them, in a positive manor. Especially when the way our society is in this century. If he is using terms of endearment, and you’re not feeling it, simply respond with your name. He will catch on quickly. Most men, will follow your lead, if you tell them no for whatever, though doesn't mean they won't try again. Be glad that they find you attractive, the difference is how do they accept your redirection, or flat out NO's, it will help you to know what their intentions are. Of course you know that the really blatant ones come out after the sun goes down, and the assumption that if you are online at 2 am, you are looking for a booty call, no reason you can't shut the conversation down the second it starts.

Good Luck OP,
~Eowyn
 pirateheaven
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 12
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Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 3:19:05 PM
Why don't you just add these parameters to your profile? That would be a good first step.
You could also note that you want to be friends first, are traditional, take things slow etc.

It could be that your picker is broken and could use a friend to help sort out these potential suitors for you.

Some of these terms of endearment are regional and just a tradition. Where I grew up females who were strangers referred to all men as hun. One gal in the supermarket refers to all of the men as "handsome". You could inject some humor into the conversation by saying I prefer to be called "your royal highness".

As for things moving fast, keep the first few dates short, in wholesome venues and drive your own car.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 13
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Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 3:27:41 PM
"Why don't you just add these parameters to your profile?"

I have parameters in my profile, but they email anyway. Waist of time.

I have my profile basically set up not to get mail, but it comes anyway.

"Some of these terms of endearment are regional and just a tradition."

That is very true. Where I live addressing strangers as babie, honey is not acceptable except by those who don't get dates and can't figure out why.
 tarotdream
Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 14
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Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 3:28:09 PM
"Please don't do that, it makes me uncomfortable at this point."

Have you said something DIRECTLY? Not a hint he should pick up, not a silence in which he'll realize he made a mistake.

Men are not stupid, just focused. To get our attention say what you mean, don't indicate.

When a guy says "cutie" and you ask him not to, most of us will. If you hint, he MAY wonder what you're talking about, shrug it off and keep talking. If you say nothing, it means that didn't bother you at all.

The good guys like doing things to make women happy, but you have to tells us what that is, directly, including size, color and material.

If a woman lets me know, firmly, that I did something she didn't like I'll pay attention and work on it. The Ego Reason: what I say to her matters to her . . . she thinks I'm really hot.

Treat men like dogs, dogs that you love and fuss over. When you tell us what to do we may do it, we may not, but we're clear. "It would be nice if you came back now." will only get you a blank stare from your Beagle. "Rex! C'mere boy, c'mon! Oh, what a gooooood doggie. Want a biscuit? Yes? Bis;cuit?" and you could get run over and licked.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 15
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 3:33:44 PM

.....I am not interested in a relationship. ..
...It has made me a lot more than cautious about even being interested in re-joining the world of dating.


I have that on my profile...explaining here WHY
that is WHAT i have on my profile . I read your history and it seems you are a pretty decent fellow, not he type I would have eluded to by just your posting on my question. I understand what you mean by the context you are using sexy.
That is not the type I have been referring to....I may be
lousy at trying to get it across. A for instance.....
problems stem from being in a conversation, getting to know someone ( I think) and sharing lots of information.
All of a sudden the converstion turns sexual out of left field
and I am left wandering where this came from?

Last year I I talked to a man close enough to maybe be interested in meeting. The
conversations went well, flirting, ( not sexual flirting)
lots of laughing, jokes, some serious talk, and some bull. Out of left field he asked me what kind of position I like best in sex and do I swallow?? Ok, now that freaks me out. I asked him where that came from? he said most women my age like to get into talks about sex. From his standpoint his reasoning was that many women come from a sexless marriage or in my case....since I am a widow that took care of my husband for many years before his death, I must be ready to jump anyone's bones. I am left looking at the phone thinking WHAT?????
Granted at that point in my life I never even heard of the concept of phone sex, FWB, Or FB. I politely told him I was in the wrong game.

I am sassy and onery and enjoy true flirting as much as anyone. I do not enjoy lewdness or the games played by acting like someone you are not.
AND I still do not understand the hurry!!
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 16
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 3:38:19 PM
It says on your profile you are here only for the forums
How are this men getting your number?
I don't know you,
but if a guy starts calling me other than my name in the
first conversation, he hears a "click"

If he wants "sexy conversation" he needs to call an 888 number
or
give me his credit card number and be charged $5.99 a minute
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 17
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 3:46:46 PM
He told me I needed to get with the program. Sex is a lot more casual these days and I would have problems with everyone if I was not willing to " put out".


DAMN! how come everybody else always gets the fun emails?!?
i'd trade my posting privileges for a week to get an email like that, just so i could have the pleasure of making that guy regret that he dared, dared to tell me what he thinks i "need to do".

op, you are an attractive lady and the internet is full of pervs... pervs and schmucks. there's just no getting around that. if you don't like the way somebody speaks to you online, cut 'em off. frankly, no man who isn't a sleazebag would take the initiative on his own to be that deliberately forward with you.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 18
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 3:52:41 PM
It says on your profile you are here only for the forums
How are this men getting your number?


Yes, it does say in my profile that I am only here for the forums. I still get mail.
I asked this question becasue at some point I have considered getting back into the dating. For the most part the last year has been filled with my grandson and all the medical problems my daughter has had.
Those things have settled down now and I am asking question based on past experiences. I like to think I am open minded and may find not only the answer to my question but some insight into my own thoughts from those that comment. Other than the few dates I have had and a few that just fizzled because
of lack of interest on one or the others part, .........my experience in dating is limited to many years ago. I was married for over twenty years.
Getting feedback from the forums is excellent. I may learn something from the feedback I had not considered.......
I am not trying to judge anyone, just get a feel for the reason behind this quandry for me.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 19
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 4:02:26 PM
my experience in dating is limited to many years ago. I was married for over twenty years. just get a feel for the reason behind this quandry for me.


Dorothy and toto, you're not in Kansas anymore.. POFerville green is over the rainbow..

There will be scarecrows and tinmen, and sometimes a bluffing lion.. Keep your ruby slippers handy...

Be watchful for the man behind the curtain, as when all is said and done, he may appear less than the show he presented to you...


I am sassy and onery and enjoy true flirting as much as anyone. I do not enjoy lewdness or the games played by acting like someone you are not.
AND I still do not understand the hurry!!


The "hurry" is usually that he has 12 other ladies online and wants to fish or cut bait..

Emails and IMs encourage false intimacy, for many basic psychological reasons.
And most people still presume it IS the man's job to initiate everything, so many men will try until paused...


 brad29483
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 20
Why are men in such a hurry to make even chatting intimate?
Posted: 9/23/2010 6:53:06 PM
If I could wave a magic wand and make sex go away forever, I would. Guys would have more money and women would have one thing less to b!tch about.
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