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 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 1
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Number and parentage of children?Page 1 of 1    
I have one tween-age child of my own. I have close family that are going through problems right now and may be unable to keep their 4 children. If this comes to pass, it's been arranged that I'm going to be helping to raise these 4 kids with my parents (no we don't live together). It would turn out that 2 of the kids would be staying at my house, but I'd be having a lot of family support from my parents and giving them support to help raise these kids.

Do you think it matters whether the children are actually biologically the woman's to potential dates? I realize helping to raise an additional 4 kids, as well as the one biological child, is A LOT to ask of a potential partner, but would you be more willing to date someone with lots of kids if most of them weren't theirs?

I know it's a really crappy situation. I waited until my daughter was older until I started dating again, then had an LTR that ended over a year ago. I really feel ready to be back on the scene and would like to find someone to be with, but am worried this likely situtation is going to complicate things. I just really don't want to put dating aside AGAIN because the timing isn't right AGAIN. I was just wondering people's thoughts on this? Does biology matter to you when it comes to the children of someone you're dating?
 ilovehistory
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 2
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Number and parentage of children?
Posted: 10/12/2010 10:46:56 PM
The fact that you're willing to be so generous to help these kids who are related to you but are not your own children shows you to be a good and kindhearted woman. This is not the same as being, for example, a woman with 5 kids by 5 men...a situation that most men would run from. I don't think you have much to worry about. Any man who would think badly of you because of this is no good anyway.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 3
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Posted: 10/13/2010 9:14:57 AM
You're opening your home to children in need, that says a lot about you as both a parent and a human being. Any man that would be turned off by it is not worthy of your attention anyway.
I would suggest joining Parents Without Partners, you can meet other single parents and they have activities where the kids all get involved as well. You can mingle and parent at the same time! They offer 'parents night out' a few times a month and it is a safe and well respected group.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 4
Number and parentage of children?
Posted: 10/13/2010 11:44:04 AM
Helping childen in need is a wonderful thing to do, and a wonderful man will recognize that.
 laprincesa
Joined: 1/31/2010
Msg: 5
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Posted: 10/13/2010 11:45:45 AM
To me people raising kids not their own are on a higher pedestal than parents. I would never date a man with kids but would date a man raising say nieces and nephews. There are many reasons but the fact that there isn't ex drama is one of them.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 6
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Number and parentage of children?
Posted: 10/13/2010 1:06:33 PM
OP - you may find that your situation isn't as odd as you think. Here, the number of kids in foster care is less than half - more and more children are going into "kinship care" where a member of their family is taking care of them.

Is this a private arrangement, or are the courts/child welfare involved? Even if they are not involved, I'd call the local office to see if there are any support groups for people in your situation.

As for dating - go for it. Babysitter for one or three, what's the difference? And you shouldn't put your life on hold, if you feel ready, go for it.

I agree with what many of the other posters said, any man who finds fault with what you are doing isn't worth the time of day.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 7
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Posted: 10/13/2010 1:20:09 PM
Thanks all for your input and understanding for the situation. Child services has been involved and has deemed the kids can't stay there alone with the parents. We currently have family staying with them, but they can't stay for more than a couple more weeks, so unless we arrange to take the kids ourselves, CS will step in an apprehend them. We do not want these kids going into foster care and feel they'd be better off with family.

I've known men who've been interested then run the other way when they find out I already have one child, I was just curious if people (men) would see children differently if they don't actually belong to the person currently raising them and if that would be another deterent for them. You've all answered my question. Thanks.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 8
Number and parentage of children?
Posted: 10/13/2010 6:54:19 PM
You're doing a good thing, and the right thing IMO, to raise these children. Let's turn the tables and say you came across a great guy with a big heart who had 5 kids, 4 of whom are family that he took in to raise. I would think that you would be understanding and would appreciate what he was doing. The guy I'm seeing now has 5 kids. The more the merrier I say. ;)
 justbunky
Joined: 4/3/2009
Msg: 9
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Number and parentage of children?
Posted: 10/15/2010 9:07:47 AM
I agree - kudos to you. You have to live your life - don't sacrifice yourself. Yes, there will be some men who can't or don't want to cope with kids, but I don't think biology has anything to do with it. There will be more who admire you for what you're doing! Best of luck.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 10
Number and parentage of children?
Posted: 10/17/2010 10:28:26 AM
^^^ Dude why are you being such a douchebag?
I say she has darn well earned her spot on a pedestal. It takes alot of love and repsonsibility to raise kids, and when you have no biological attachment to them, an even greater amount. Yes some men might think thats just too many kids, regardless of who popped em out, and run. However, for every man that doles that i would say that there will be one who would be honored to have such a good woman in his life. Good for her for helping these kids in need, and wanting to share her life with someone special. I have dated men with responsbilities, i like it that way, as i dont like a man being up in my space and face 24-7. Makes the time together way more special. Anyone so needy that they feel like they are in competition with children for my affections would make me run, fo sho.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 11
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Posted: 10/17/2010 4:06:27 PM
Well dogslife, I've been around these forums enough to know how some men feel about dating women with children. As a single mom of ONE, if a man isn't willing to date me because of my one child, I say good riddance. That said, I've seen NUMEROUS posts from men stating that they'd never date a single mom with many children, I just wanted to get clarification from others whether they think this applies to all children being raised by a person, or only those that are biologically that persons'.

As for my "aging" parents: they are both in their 50s and in excellent condition (active, and have all their mental facilities about them). So no need to worry about how they'll handle it. I recognize that it could become permanent, but the idea is that eventually their parents will be able to have custody of their children returned to them.

Furthermore, as with ANY relationship, it's all about balance. I do not want someone who would make me their everything. My ideal partner SHARES his life with me, doesn't make me his life. There is a difference.

I wasn't asking what people think a potential suitor will think, but rather whether they see a difference between biological children and fostered children.

And to answer your final question: yes I would date a man with many responsibilities. I understand and respect people who live up to theirs. Responsibilities come in many forms from children, to our jobs, to our family and friends. Living up to those responsibilities is what gives someone integrity -- something which I believe is the UTMOST characteristic to look for in others.
 faithfey
Joined: 2/16/2008
Msg: 12
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Posted: 10/17/2010 8:03:38 PM
Harsh but in the current economy - yes it will put some men off. Lets face it there are plenty of men around who don't want to don't want to cope with their OWN offspring, much less someone elses! (I know a few ladies who aren't great at parenting either!) Are you able to do this and still have biological offspring with a future partner - that's something I'd imagine may cross a few men's mind, so it might be cool to formulate your thoughts before it becomes a deal breaker with the man of your dreams.

I honestly think there a good few things in life more important than findng a partner. One of those is taking care of existing family, especially the most vulnerable members. I suspect your suitable partner filter just got more discerning - that's never a bad thing. A partner with a high degree of personal integrity, who understands the true value of family and makes sacrifices to do right? Hell yes you are catch for the RIGHT sort of man.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 13
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Posted: 10/18/2010 5:00:10 AM
Faithfey said things pretty well. OP, yours is really a question best answered with dry and specific details:
ANYTHING about you will factor into A guys decision on whether to involve himself with you. Each factor of your life will put SOMEONE off from you, and extraordinary financial and time commitments, like having a number of children to care for, no matter who's they are, will put off those guys who are looking for a mate to have carefree fun with. So yes, you will likely find that FEWER guys will want to involve themselves with you than you would find if you had no children, or only one or two, but the same thing is true of ANYTHING about your life. If you had NO children, but had a huge financial debt weighing you down, it would put some guys off. If you had three legs, it would put some guys off.
The point is, go with what you have, and ACCEPT the consequences of whatever decisions you make, and you will be much happier. The difference for those of us who have additional burdens and commitments, is that we will likely have to wait and try a bit longer than our less burdened and committed fellows, to find companionship. C'est la Vie!
[ I'd like to point out that there's nothing shabby or to be disdainful about those who DON'T want to go after people with many commitments. I have many such burdens myself, and I feel no urge or need to criticize the women who, at my age range, are looking for a man with whom they can gad about the globe and go to parties with. ]
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 14
Number and parentage of children?
Posted: 10/18/2010 12:19:51 PM
Yes, i would date a man with responsiblities that consumed his time. Wheather it be children, a job, a career, family stuff, whatnot. Most people do have stuff on their plate, unless they are either a bum, or independantly filthy rich and have no need to work, or dont have kids.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 15
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Posted: 10/18/2010 12:40:54 PM
If a man is looking for a partner that can drop everything and rush to his side, then a parent is not for him.
I have two children and my partner has two children, to be honest with you life is a lot better and more fun when they are all in the house together. We find plenty of time to be alone but enjoy our parenting time 100%. The key is to find a man on the same page.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 16
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Posted: 10/19/2010 9:51:30 AM
dogslife, you've OBVIOUSLY misunderstood what my question was. I was wondering if men's opposition to children is biology based or not. It was a simple question and my priorities are perfectly in order. I am willing to put off dating while I have these children if need be (and have done so in the past). I suppose you never wonder anything, and if you do, then you obviously don't have your priorities in order?!

My question was based solely on how much I've read around the forums about men not wanting to date women with children, and I was just curious as to whether or not people saw a difference between biological children or not? I would NEVER put a man over the kids.

I agree with above posters about dating men with other priorities. I would most certainly date someone like that because I do not need, nor want, someone who would be at my beck and call every moment of the day. You see, MATURE people recognize that healthy relationships are formed BECAUSE people have other things in their lives outside each other. I am a single mother who put myself through uni, and now my profession requires I bring work home. Between raising my own child and work, I already have 90% of my time taken up. I am willing and able, however, to give 100% of my remaining time to my partner. You see, it's QUALITY of a relationship I want, not quantity. Furthermore, when I do find someone I want to share my life with, we will be spending time together WITH the children (as well as without). That's what a FAMILY does.

As I stated before, it's about BALANCE. I'm good at my job (and love it), am a good mother to my child, and will continue to be so for these other children, but that does not mean that I don't have time for myself or a partner. Someone who truly has their priorities in order recognizes that it is necessary to take care of oneself before they can be of any use to anyone else.

I honestly don't see much difference timewise between raising the extra kids and raising my own. They are similar in age, would be attending the same school, and enrolled in the same activities. Driving 3 is no different than driving one. You see, I believe families do things TOGETHER, and figure, what's a couple more? The more the merrier right?!

I truly feel sorry for you dogslife, if you think that having responsibilities means that one is closed off to wonder and questioning thought. Maybe you think having responsibilities and priorities means simply blindly moving through life, but I do not.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 17
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Posted: 10/19/2010 10:17:40 AM

I've known men who've been interested then run the other way when they find out I already have one child, I was just curious if people (men) would see children differently if they don't actually belong to the person currently raising them and if that would be another deterent for them.


I think it does and it doesn't. It definitely shows some degree of integrity to choose to raise a child that isn't yours, but at the same time, all of the trials and tribulations of dating a single mom are still present. Still the scheduling conflicts, still the issue with bonding with the child, still the extra expenses, etc etc.
 Consigliori
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 18
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Posted: 10/19/2010 10:17:43 AM

I was wondering if men's opposition to children is biology based or not.


We are a blended family. I think that men and women make biological and situational distinctions: origin of child, number of children, age(s), contact with 'other' family, time spent with child, child's personality, parenting experience... There are lots of variables.

If you (OP) meant to ask whether a man could love the children you have taken in as readily as he could love his own organic children with whom he bonded since D-Day Minus 290 the answer is no. It's a different experience.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 19
Number and parentage of children?
Posted: 10/19/2010 2:50:26 PM

when would he have time for you


When he is not busy. If it takes getting a little creative in time management so be it. my husband and i have had our "family dinner" at 4 am, due to his work schedule. having responsibilities does not equal no personal life whatsoever.
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