| | boyfriend going out to dance alonePage 1 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | | My boyfriend loves to dance. It's not booty grinding dancing but partner dancing at country western clubs like two step, polka, waltz, cha cha, etc. My question is that now since we are in an exclusive relationship, does anyone see it is a problem or possible red flag for him to go hit the country bars and clubs alone to dance? And let me clarify, he's not going out with friends for a guys night, he is going by himself. I like to dance also, but I wouldn't go out to these dance clubs without him and especially not alone. I found out that he went out dancing alone while I was out of town for one day recently. He didn't tell me had gone and my guess is because he knows I wouldn't do that or think it's ok. What do you all think? Is it ok for your significant other to go out to clubs dancing alone, without you? | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 2:51:31 AM | Doesn't really matter what we think. All that matters is what you think.
I think the bigger red flag in the relationship is that you don't trust him. The flag bearer is you. Why you don't have an open enough relationship to discuss these things casually. There is no reason he should have hid it from you and there is no reason you should be upset about him going out. However, you are upset and he did hide it... or
Did he really hide it from you? Is it possible that instead of not telling you as a means of intentionally omitting the information that he just didn't think it was anything of significance that needed to be mentioned?
How would he know you wouldn't like it? Have you specifically said, "Darling, I would hate it if you went out alone dancing!"?
I would have no problem with a partner that liked to go out and do his own thing from time to time. Then again, I wouldn't have a partner that I didn't trust to uphold the commitment of exclusivity. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 3:35:38 AM | Is your guy a trained dancer?
How serious is he about his dancing?
What are you drinking habits at these places?
Do you trust him implicitly?
Did you meet him at the club?
Some folks really like to just dance- C/W dancing is not exactly intimate dancing at all. despite the fact that it is partner dancing, it is a far cry fom say- salsa dancing (which is also partner dancing)...as far as being a more intimate and sexual.
How much did he go dancing before you two started dating?
Some folks go dancing because they enjoy the music and they are having a good time. Nothing to do with hooking up with folks for sex.
how exactly did you find out he had gone? | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 3:38:08 AM | Wow...A fella can't even go out polka dancing anymore without coming under suspicion.
What's this world coming to???
 | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 3:52:07 AM | I used to go dancing w/ my bff's while I was married (disco). There wasn't any cheating going on. The hubby didn't like my going out, but he didn't seem to enjoy it. (dancing)., and I wasn't about to roll up and die because I was married.
I don't know what your so is doing , but I think you should go dancing too. I don't know what's going on in his world, but if you are suspicious maybe you should follow your instincts, or your so for 1 day. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 3:52:27 AM | Wow, at first you make it sound like he goes out very often to "hit the country bars and clubs alone to dance"!!
Then nearer the end of your post it seems like it was just the one time since you've been in the exclusive relationship with him.
This leads me to think you blow things up to larger porportions than neccessary,
which is probably why he didn't mention he went dancing that one time when you were out of town.
---
I love to dance, my husband didn't.. (and he had no interest in even being there while others danced).. so yes, I would go dance up a storm now & then and he understood my 'need' for that.
There was communication. There was trust.
And neither of us blowing things out of porportion. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 3:55:53 AM | Well I think OP is really trying to say that it isn't the issue of going out dancing that bothers her, it would appear that he's going out alone and that might signal that he's trying to pick up women.
Ok, well it's one of the following:
A: He goes alone because he knows or thinks that you don't like that kind of dancing and since he loves to dance so much he's goes alone out of respect for you.
B: He goes alone to pick up ladies.
C: He goes alone because he knows or thinks that you don't like that kind of dancing and since he loves to dance so much he's goes alone out of respect for you. And he's picking up ladies too.
Don't make an issue about it, just say "Hey, next time you plan on going dancing, I want to go with you." That's it. If he says ok and acts happy then it's choice A. If he acts funny and tries to decline you without a good reason then it's either choice B or C. | |
|
ifly
| | Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 8 | |
| |
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 4:56:18 AM | he went out dancing alone when you left town for one day?? THAT SLUT!!
hey wait a minute, how do we know you weren't out dancing with strange men in bars while you were out of town on your "business trip", wink wink. | |
|
| boyfriend likes to do the horizontal mamba.....alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 5:30:18 AM | | I seriously doubt that he's dancing alone. What you're really asking is "should I be worried that he's dancing with other women". If there's no trust then there's no point in continuing with the relationship. Unless he gives you any reason to think otherwise, he's just out dancing. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 5:30:35 AM | ^^^^ I know.. what a MAN WHORE!!!
Linda,
Let it go. If you are happy with this man otherwize and this is all you have to gripe about consider yourself lucky and let Mr. Twinkletoes dance until his boots fall off.
Wait.... Are these people wearing clothes? You may have left out an important part.
 | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 5:35:22 AM | | I think it's kinda strange that the expectation hasn't been established yet. I agree with you that it's strange he goes out to dance without you and alone. Wondering why your not his favorite dance partner? The fact that you like to dance and you two are not doing it together is very puzzling to me. Why is that ok with you?? I can't imagine being in an exclusive relationship having so many communication issues. I guess to each their own. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 5:54:22 AM | What do you all think? Is it ok for your significant other to go out to clubs dancing alone, without you?
I think that if he has nothing to hide, he would have asked you to go with him and he wouldn't have taken advantage of you being out of town for one day to sneak around. If he wanted your trust, he should have been given you the opportunity to go with him before going alone rather than wait for you to be out of town so you wouldn't know about it.
I think the bigger red flag in the relationship is that you don't trust him.
Why should she? He deliberately went out when she was out of town so that she wouldn't know about it. | |
|
| things left unsaid about dancing alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 6:01:50 AM | He deliberately went out when she was out of town so that she wouldn't know about it.
abelian i think you lost your objectivity on this one. you don't know that. you assumed it.... because op implied it .
found out that he went out dancing alone while I was out of town for one day recently. He didn't tell me had gone and my guess is because he knows I wouldn't do that or think it's ok.
that's right, your "guess". and why did you "guess" that, and not something else??
so you've just become exclusive with a man with whom, already, there are either trust and/or communication issues. not necessarily on his side, i hasten to add. the way you phrased your post, it seemed as if going out dancing without you was the problem per se.... but that's definitely not the problem. and you also made it look as though he ran out to go dancing alone the second he had the opportunity. i don't know if he was sneaking out on you or not. i can't read his mind, and you didn't give us the details but only the scenario as you described it. i do know that people have a funny way of parsing their words to fit their perceptions, especially when they are making "guesses" that come riding in on secret insecurities.
maybe he really didn't think anything of it, and that's why he though it not even worth mentioning. because maybe it's something he's always done, but to your mind, now that you have become "exclusive", you "found out" some terrible thing, because you think he should be automatically modifying his behavior in ways that he doesn't even know about yet, because you never even had the discussion.
that would be an epic fail, lady.
why don't you try talking to him about it instead of presuming guilt on the basis of a "guess"?? | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 6:10:33 AM | | You were out of town - and he went dancing - and didn't tell you. . . You say he didn't tell you because he knew you would have a problem - why? Are you typically jealous, controlling or insecure? Is there more to this than you're letting on? Are you not willing to go dancing with him? Is he a dancing addict? Can he not go one week without dancing? Do the two of you typically go dancing every week, and he was bored at home without you there, and figured he'd go alone since you weren't there? Is he sneaking out multiple times a week for a solo 'dance fix'? There are a myriad of possible explanations. What this situation calls for is open communication. Find out what his motivation is, and why it bothers you so much. | |
|
TDH49
| | Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 16 | |
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 6:16:08 AM |
Why should she? he deliberately went out when she was out of town so that she wouldn't know about it
WTH. I had no idea that being in a exclusive relationship with someone meant you had to tell them your every move? The guy likes to dance and went out dancing while she was out of town. I fail to see any issue here, if he went to a movie by himself should he tell her that too?. The fact is if the guy wants to go trool for women he could do it anywhere behind her back. Go look outside the opposite sex is everywhere and if one wants to meet them all one has to do is leave the house.
Either the Op trust this guy or she doesn't. If she doesn't then she should not be in a relationship with him. If I am in a relationship with a woman I trust her. I also would want her to have a life of her own and to know we are not joined at the hips. That means she can go ANYWHERE she want by herself or dance with whomever she wants.
I am just not the insecure type, if someone can take her from me behind my back, she was never mine in the first place. Nor was she the kind of woman I would have wanted long term in my life, morally we would have been a huge mismatch. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 6:42:33 AM | WTH. I had no idea that being in a exclusive relationship with someone meant you had to tell them your every move?
You don't have to do anything in a relationship. I choose to behave in a way that gives my partner a reason to be confident she can trust me.
If I am in a relationship with a woman I trust her.
I'm not that gullible. I only trust people who are open with me. I've never found anyone who demanded to be trusted, to be trustworthy. Honest people don't need to demand trust.
Nor was she the kind of woman I would have wanted long term in my life, morally we would have been a huge mismatch.
And unfortunately, you'd never know she was that kind of woman because you're gullible enough to believe anything she tells you. You are confusing security with willful ignorance. | |
|
| |
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 6:56:10 AM | Op this does not sound like repeat behavior so far or something you have talked about as being suitable or not. Talk to him about it if you are not ok with it. If it is just dancing on occasion by himself when you are unavailable to join him then I do not see it as a bid deal but you seem to feel it is or you would not have posted this thread.
It is no fun being in a relationship with someone you cannot trust. Communicate and try to establish whatever boundries you need to be able to trust one another and see if that can work for you both. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 6:56:54 AM | I guess if you trusted him, it wouldn't be a problem.
A relationship that has trust in it should allow both
parties to participate in activities the other doesn't without
getting all upset.
Of course, this also means you tell each other what you're doing.
I think often if you can't tell your partner something, it's more than
likely because you think there's something wrong, not that you think
your partner will think so.
Yeah, it's all about trusting someone and feeling comfortable with
your choices. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 7:02:03 AM | If he knows you also like to dance and he's not inviting you, I might see this as some sort of red flag. I mean, unless he has visions of going on Dancing with the Stars and just wants more practice.
The fact that he went out dancing while you were out of town and didn't tell you leads me to believe he knew you wouldn't be happy about it.
One thought that always pops into my head in situations like this is: it's cheating if they're doing something they wouldn't do if you were in the room.
It seems as though there are some trust issues here that you probably should address with him. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 7:07:22 AM | Do you go with him when you are in town?
I used to go dancing alone all the time, because I loved it and my partner wasn't that interested. Never was a problem, never cheated on him nor had the desire to do so. I was just dancing. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 7:13:26 AM | | so let me get this straight, you went out of town alone, but he can't leave the house without you? grow up. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 7:13:31 AM | | whew goodness..the fact that I'm on here asking strangers this question is a good indication of trust issues isn't it? I already know the answer to my question I just have not wanted to face it. Though it is early in this relationship so finding out our incompatibilities now is much better than years down the road and I know the right thing to do is let him go and dance his heart out with the ladies. Dancing is his only hobby and he has no male friends so, other than being with me his main form of socialization is hitting the clubs to dance. Before he met me he was going out 2 - 3 times a week to dance, someone asked if he's a dance addict? I would have to answer that with a yes he is addicted to the nightlife/dance clubs. Someone else asked if he's a trained dancer, well he's taken lessons but he's not like into competition dancing or anything. He doesn't play sports, watch sports, paint, cycle, doesn't hang out with the guys, doesn't hang out with his kids, nothing...he goes out to dance every night he can. I love to dance myself but not at all to that extreme. Once or twice a month would be plenty for me. I would not ask him to give up something he loves that much. I don't believe anyone should change for another person. It's just become clear to me that we are not compatible enough for a relationship. He's a sweet, friendly man and all the ladies love him. I know that because I've gone dancing with him and seen it. I've also been witness to him calling other women "baby" and putting his hand on their shoulders while he talks to them and women who text him to ask him to go out dancing. And yes, the minute I was out of town, he went to the club to dance. No he didn't tell me he was going to dance, he told me he was going shopping but left out the part about dancing. I only found out because the pics came up on my facebook feed lol! gotta love facebook. And yes, I do believe that the second I went out of town he hit the dance club. And I invited him to go out of town but he couldn't, and that's fine I don't have to be with him all the time I just wanted him to know he was welcome. All I'm saying and what I'm realizing now is that if I stay with him this will be my life and I don't want a man that needs to go to the clubs several times a week with OR without me. He's been doing this for 40 years so I wouldn't bank on that changing, that's who he is. Maybe I just hoped deep down that I could accept his lifestyle. I'm surprised though at how many people are ok with their SO going out to clubs alone. I may be insecure, but that kind of thinking is naive. So let the insults fly! I'm jealous, I'm insecure, blah blah, one thing I'm not going to be is naive enough to think that venturing off into the clubs alone when you are taken is ok. So I will let this relationship go and know that tonight when he hits the clubs there will be no shortage of women waiting there for him. | |
|
| boyfriend going out to dance alone
Posted: 10/15/2010 7:18:51 AM |
The fact that he went out dancing while you were out of town and didn't tell you leads me to believe he knew you wouldn't be happy about it.
Agreed, but that's HER issue not his.
They do not, from what I can tell, live together. No reason for him to feel obligated to tell her something so casual as going out dancing.
She may love to dance, but perhaps she sux at it.
We also do not know what the OP did while she was out of town.
Did she go out with friends?
Alone?
With co-workers?
Did she keep him informed every step of the way?
Seems like some people are not being objective here and are replying based on previous "trust" issues.
Edit:
one thing I'm not going to be is naive enough to think that venturing off into the clubs alone when you are taken is ok.
I find that disturbing.
Yeah...I guess your guy needs to be on a short leash. | |
|
Home
login 
