| | When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | A lot of people have "rituals" when they log online, like, they go check their yahoo mail, then maybe go check on any auctions they were bidding over on ebay, then maybe log onto facebook or myspace and see what's going on there.
BUT,
What if you are in a committed LTR, but you notice your S.O. REGULARLY checks their previous EX's facebook/myspace page as part of their "ritual?"
Would it bug you?
This happened to me once. My S.O. would go and check her ex's page (whom she was no longer friends with) DAILY, and read all his comments, click on his pictures, and try to keep herself abreast of his activities, if he still had the same job, who his current friends were, reading about his updates, and trying to figure out if he had a new girlfriend. She did this over a year and a half into our relationship.
Admittedly, sometimes when I am absolutely BORED I might once in a blue moon check up on more than one ex's page just to see what they're up to out of pure boredom/curiosity. But this one particular S.O. would ALWAYS check up on the one ex BF (and none of the others).
Normally I think that would bug me but I knew our relationship wasn't gonna be a keeper so I didn't really care much.
Would it bug you? Why do you think an S.O. would do that? Why would your S.O. regularly check up on their ex? ISn't that weird? (btw, I knew she checked up on him all the time because she would keep me abreast of her discoveries, like "hum, I saw a new pic of him standing with some woman," or "heh, he's so conceited, he wrote a blog about how he got a raise and is spending the summer in Cancun," or "he keeps adding only girls on his friends list" etc... Like I care, why? | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 2:55:48 AM | Not being harsh, but there's just a touch of irony here and it might have a clue to the answer.
You mentioned this happened to you once, in that I assume this was in the past, yet here you are asking in full detail about this. I would think by now, its an old relationship, over and done with...came to terms with it all and moved on.
She was in a relation, yet doing this as a ritual, you are here asking about this appearant past relation...in detail and what appears some emotion...are you sure you knew the relation wasn't a keeper and you didn't care much?
Either way, the answer might be the same for both....the person hasn't fully come to terms with the past relation and just let it go.
Yes, it would bother me. | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 4:34:41 AM | If they are not friends with some kind of regular or occasional (non-Facebook) contact, I'd be wondering why the ex is even still on her "friends" list, let alone why she checks up on her ex's facebook page every day.
I'd also make it clear that I don't care to know what her ex is doing. | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 4:48:32 AM |
What if you are in a committed LTR, but you notice your S.O. REGULARLY checks their previous EX's facebook/myspace page as part of their "ritual?" Well, without having read further than this question, I would become one of that person's rituals.
There's no room in my world for exes... his or mine. | |
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TDH49
| | Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 9 | |
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06mc69
| | Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 10 | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 7:17:35 AM | Would it bug me? No, not at all.
If others want to read up on what I'm up to them, fine! I would just winder why they might seem to want to keep up with my activities so much but, that's it.
All her doing that may tell me, is that their would seem some unfinished business with her and her ex. But that alone would not send me any red flags as again, it would just tell me that she feels compelled to do so.
The real question is, why does that sem to bug you? I know you've said that it doesn't but if it didn't, why would you even wonder why she does this? | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 7:32:18 AM | OP you stated you have done the exact same thing as your SO although not as often. So what is the big deal?
It would only be a big deal IF she was contacting him OR meeting up with him in person, which from what you stated doesn't seem to be the case.
I would, however, politely tell her that I didn't want to hear about her ex. Have you even talked with her about how this makes you feel? Doesn't sound like it....... | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 7:42:44 AM | | It wouldn't lend to a relationship of emotional integrity or verbal intimacy,,,one of closeness,,,that works for some, and not for others. I wouldn't be in a relationship that didn't foster closeness and had a third party in it. It may be harmless voyeurism, but there's a reason for it that's a bit off. If she's looking because she can't get over him-enough said; if its due to a tight friendship, I believe that being that close to an ex takes away from the current relationship. | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 8:29:42 AM | With my s/o, and ex on my FB friends list at the same time? That would be quite awkward now, wouldn't it?
To answer the actual question, it all depends on how the break up ended. If me and ex had a bitter breakup, he wouldn't be on my friends list. If the relationship ended on good terms, he would probably still be on my friends list but I wouldn't be "checking up on him." However, if he adds new photos, I would more than likely view them and I don't see the harm in that. | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 10:49:50 AM | For the record, I am no longer with this person.
And she was not friends with her ex in real life or on facebook/mypace, but she would check up on his page (which wasn't private), even to go so far as to check on their former mutual friends' pages to see what he had commented on other's pages.
I was just thinking about the topic, recently, as it just popped back into my mind.
Normally, simply occassionally checking up on an ex wouldn't bug me much, maybe be a little eyebrow-raising at most. In the beginning of THIS particular relationship, however, it did bug me signifcantly that she kept up on her ex's stuff to such a thorough degree...but as the relationship waned, and I knew it wasn't going to be a keeper, I stopped caring. Why bother trying to empty water with a tiny bucket when the ship is already going down? lol
As far as why she checked up on him: I don't think she was still interested in being with him, persay, I just think it was all about ego.... like, how far has he progressed in life compared to herself. I don't think it's completely unheard of to want to know how your ex's life turned out post-you, compared to your own (post-them), especially if you were with that ex for a significant part of your life. In her case, though, she seemed to be a little OBSESSED with it though. I remember asking her, "why don't you hang out with any of your friends anymore?" And she replied that she was ashamed to talk to them because according to their facebook updates, they're all successful, married, have good jobs, kids, going on vacations, etc.... and she was worried about how she compared to them where she was in her life.
I was just wondering would it bug any of YOU, in general, if your S.O. routinely kept very thorough tabs on their ex. Just wanted to hear discussion on what folks thought from their own experience.
P.S. As I admitted, on a blue moon SOMETIMES out of pure morbid curiosity I'll check exes' profiles.....for me, and I'm being very candid to you all here, sometimes I am checking out of ego as well.... seeing if they "did better" on the next guy than with me. Other times I'm just curious to see if they've changed. And other times I want to see what bullets I was fortunate to have dodged by no longer being with them.
For example, my exwife remarried and is now cheating on her husband with not only the same man she cheated on me with, but with additional men! So when I hear of her escapades it is almost cathartic for me, and I feel like "whew, glad it wasn't me anymore!" (though I don't need to check my exwife's page to learn of her news, cuz we have a kid together, so I hear about it directly from her).
Another ex of mine was really crazy, had mood stabilizers and mood swings and a million pills, had fainting spells and whatnot. She blamed me for us not working out, and said she could do a lot better. Occassionally I read her facebook just for laughs, as you can see her relationship status change frequently from single, to in a relationship, to engaged, to MARRIED (even though she hadn't yet), to it's complicated, and then back to single again! That one I check out simply for chuckles.
I don't mind if anyone here judges me for these candid admissions. Just being honest. I'm not being hypocritical, cuz I'm not really complaining in this thread so much yet doing it myself. As I said, it wouldn't really bug me too much if my S.O. occassionally checked up on exes for similar reasons as I do, but it would bug me if it was OBSESSIVE and she seemed more interested in the life of her ex than her life now with me. | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 11:24:07 AM | I simply don't have any interest in looking at what's going on in their lives.
OP, I can understand that it would be cathartic and reaffirming to know that what occurred in the past with your ex is reoccurring, yet I would think that simply knowing that would end checking it out for anyone who's doing so. As you say, the kids are verbal conduits- perhaps your ex didn't have kids that shared that info. It sounds a bit like she is stuck in the past or isn't really moving fully forward,,,or simply is stuck in that ritual. | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 4:54:54 PM | I can think of more than one reason someone might do this.
1. Online "facebooking" can be a psychological addiction, just as these forums can be. It's easy for someone to get into a ritualistic, addictive habit of checking up on all their "friends" regularly.
2. Some folks REALLY like "Soap Operas." They don't JUST watch them on TV, they also watch them occur IN REAL LIFE. Following one's ex around could be exactly like watching a reality program. Just as much a waste of time, and just as addictively fun.
3. Some women gain extra satisfaction and a better sense of "closure" if they see that their ex is moving on with their lives, finding new love, that sort of thing. Maybe it's a mothering instinct, or simply a selfish way they help themselves feel less guilty about dumping the guy, I don't know.
4. Could be a part of a GENERAL obsessive/compulsive behavioral set. Could be she doesn't actually care WHAT she sees on the guy's facebook page, but she feels she MUST look regularly to retain her sense of equilibrium.
5. Could be she's still mad at him, and is following his posts to gain petty pleasure from his mistakes etc. | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 5:56:12 PM |
4. Could be a part of a GENERAL obsessive/compulsive behavioral set. Could be she doesn't actually care WHAT she sees on the guy's facebook page, but she feels she MUST look regularly to retain her sense of equilibrium.
5. Could be she's still mad at him, and is following his posts to gain petty pleasure from his mistakes etc.
Well, this was the OCD ex I've mentioned before, so you could be right about it simply being a compulsive behavior, methodical, more than material. And I do know she was still mad at him, as it was really he who dumped her. She would comment on how he had gotten fat or what not, as if she took pleasure in his post-break-up follies. | |
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| When your S.O. still regularly checks on their EX's facebook/myspace etc...
Posted: 10/27/2010 6:34:51 PM |
Would it bug you?
Nah. I'm not bugged by these things. Now if she started getting critical of me on little everyday things or go off on the situation she would be cut loose. At the same time I'm pretty secure and could care less what she checks on as long as she doesn't get critical in any way.
If she is critical I already know she is hiding things and to tell you the truth I'm no longer interested. She has already wrecked it and she is actually looking for something to accuse me of so that her actions are now justified in her own mind. lol
Which is the basis of most criticism. | |
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