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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it      Home login  
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 3prong
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 1
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean itPage 1 of 1    
I am 38 and he is 34. I am all done having kids. He has said he doesn't want to have kids. Six months ago he had an ex put him through a paternity test and the child turned out not to be his. I know this was an excruciating time for him and he was completely prepared to be a father to this child if the test went the other way.

We're pretty new in this relationship but both of us have a LTR in mind opposed to casually dating.

How often though does a guy really mean it when he says he doesn't want kids. As well, how often do they change their mind. I would hate 5 years down the road him feeling like he needed a child and I am physically unable to accomodate this need.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 2
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 5:50:53 PM
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14232164.aspx- your thread about moving in together 11-2-2010 entitled "Is this the beginning of the end?"

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14237078.aspx - your thread entitled
"Everyone says don't move in together, but i want to it feels so right" 11-8-2010

and this current thread, penned 11-11-2010 about a guy wanting to have kids or not

You have serious relationship issues IMO- and you get attached way to easily, already have the future home and kids or no kids planned, what the perfect amount of sex is to have with the perfect guy ( another thread). I say SLOW DOWN and have a reality check. If you don't burn yourself out you will burn him out. Heck, I'm burned out and I don't even know you. :)
I suggest relationship counseling for you and for him as well to go thru it together, and taking it one day at a time and letting all of this futuristic fantasizing go.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 3
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 5:52:11 PM
There is always adoption. If you guys are still together a few years from now, and he has a change of mind, adoption is something to consider if he truly wants kids.

I'm sure there have been times when others have met that special person, and thus had a change of mind about having kids. It can happen.

As for now, I wouldn't worry about it.
 likemyrock
Joined: 10/21/2010
Msg: 4
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 6:16:07 PM

How often though does a guy really mean it when he says he doesn't want kids.

Depends on the guy. Sometimes they say it just to get laid by women that can't have kids.


how often do they change their mind.

Every guy (that professes not to want kids) has moments of doubt and crisis where they very well could turn their life upside down in order to chase that desire.
Depends on the guy.


I would hate 5 years down the road him feeling like he needed a child and I am physically unable to accomodate this need.

Maybe you should simply date and be exclusive for the next 5 years rather than jumping in without knowing anything of any relevance about each other, completely lacking in communication ability or compatibility, hoping for some sort of guarantee that you will get the relationship you idealize and hope he sticks around.

Personally, I would hate to see another "every thing was going great, we moved in together, he disappeared, what happened? Was it the cheese log I made, and he said he didn't like, to blame? He said he wanted a cheese log?!?! Men say one thing and do the opposite! I don't understand men" forum topic.
If we're going to bring up things we'd hate to happen.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 5
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 6:18:45 PM
OP- given that you are 38, if this guy really wants kids...and he KNOWS it...

he would not stay with you much longer.

men don't change our minds that often....
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 6
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When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 6:22:03 PM
"Hey sweetie, so you don't want to have kids, ever? No? Are you sure?"

How difficult would that be to say to him? You should be talking to him about it.
 NarcissusTemple
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 7
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 7:01:47 PM
Agreeing with scottey.

This is sort of a fruitless effort on your part to be taking a survey of other guys' opinions when you really only need to know the opinion of one.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 8
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 7:15:35 PM
The only way to know if someone is truly committed to not having kids of their own is if they have made the commitment to get fixed. Otherwise they could still be leaving it open as a possible option. Some who don't get fixed are committed to the idea when they say they are others are not ask the guy only his opinion counts.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 9
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When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 8:13:08 PM
I would say yes. He's sure.
I know a guy in his twenties who didn't want kids.
still doesn't.
but his wife did.
So she divorced him over it.
Some guys just don't and mean it!
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 10
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When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 8:19:26 PM
Guys generally do tend to mean it when they say they don't want kids. Especially if you have kids and you're with him then, he is not likely want his own in the future.
 Cool_November
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 11
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When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 8:40:46 PM
well,most guys sooner or latter want to have kids specialy if they date an awesome women for years and years.The reasons for the change of hart are many.You should talk to him about it again because maybe during this posible child birth with his ex made him seriously consider the posibility of children and liking the idea.Personaly, I dont think hes going to change his mind.If hes been around the dating seen for the past 20 years and hasnt had an appifany about having children by now,chances are he never will.

also,if he was going to have an appifany about having children it would have been when he was facing fatherhood with his ex.So i'd say after going through all that with his ex and he still says no to having children,then I think you have a solid answer.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 12
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 8:54:54 PM
Of course if he's saying he doesn't want kids, yet won't wrap it or get fixed or doesn't insist your getting fixed...

well- he either doesn't care and won't take care of your baby (maury show...here ya come) OR he doesn't care whether you do or don't and will step up when the time comes.
 CallmeKen
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 13
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/11/2010 9:56:48 PM

As well, how often do they change their mind.

Guys rarely change their mind.
No, wait, I meant they change their mind a lot.
No, that isn't right. Guys never change their mind.
On second thought, guys change their minds quite a bit.
Hmm, gonna have to think about this. I'll post again after I get some tacos.
No, Chinese food would be better.
Or pizza.
No, definitely tacos.
Or fish.
What was the question again?
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 14
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When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/12/2010 12:53:55 AM
there are three possible reasons you don't trust this guy: you don't trust anyone, or he betrayed your trust at some point, or you simply don't know him well enough. given your short time together, i'm gonna guess the latter. and yet here you are fantasizing about permanence with him, augmented by a fantasy of it going horribly wrong. doesn't that tell you something about your feelings and desires in relation to your judgment?
 Son_House
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 15
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When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/12/2010 1:19:03 AM
OP,

Here's a startling revelation for you: every person on this planet has individual wants and desires. There is simply no way anybody on here can tell you with any certainty "Oh, he's definitely going to want kids someday."

I think the best advice that I could give you is to stop worrying so much about the future and live your life. You're not a young schoolgirl fantasizing about the perfect outcome anymore. Based on the fact that you have children and yet aren't married to or with the father anymore seems to indicate that you are aware that sometimes life throws us curve balls and not everything works out the way we hope. The only way you are going to discover the answers you are looking for is by being with this guy and keeping healthy lines of communication open. And for the sake of your children, slow down a little bit and stop rushing it so much. As the first response pointed out (So_Write, I think), you have started several threads discussing moving in with this guy already. Is this really the best idea, considering the relatively new nature of the relationship and the fact that you obviously don't trust him to give you honest answers? No matter how much you care about the guy, and despite the fact that you both want a LTR, you don't KNOW yet how compatible you are and what issues are going to arise a little further down the line. And would it be fair to your children if you guys all moved in with this man and then things didn't work out?

Take the time to get to know him better. And think like a responsible parent and adult. Moving in together after a few weeks or months is a thing of fiction and couples on daytime television.

Good luck in whatever decision you make, and I hope your values and his match up nicely in the future.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 16
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When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/12/2010 1:32:23 AM
When you're younger -- say, in your early 20s -- and say you don't want kids, I suspect you're more accurately saying "I really haven't figured out yet whether I want kids."

But by the time you hit your mid-to-late 30s, I think you know the score.

So, if he's taking this stance now, I think he means it. Isn't to say he couldn't be surprised by joy, so to speak, but I'd take him at his word.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 17
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/12/2010 2:55:43 AM

How often though does a guy really mean it when he says he doesn't want kids. As well, how often do they change their mind. I would hate 5 years down the road him feeling like he needed a child and I am physically unable to accomodate this need.



I mean it when I say it......I even stopped having sex so there are no mistakes. I guess the only true way to prove you mean it, is get "neutered", lol
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 18
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/12/2010 3:40:41 AM
OP.. Not for nothing but I read over your last 3 posts about this 34 year old man.

I have two words of advice for you. STOP PROJECTING!!!!

You keep projecting all your fears onto this guy. What IF? What IF? What IF? What IF?

WHAT ABOUT RIGHT NOW????

Could you just stay in the moment for about 24 hours and ENJOY this man and his company. Do you think you are capable of it. You need to take a CHILL PILL.

Relax already. LIFE IS TOOOOOOOOO SHORT!!!!!! HE could get hit by a Mack Truck tommorrow and you would have spent your last night together toiling over a conversation about WHAT IF??? WHAT IF??? WHAT IF???

Give the guy a break. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK already. You got one foot in the past and one foot in the future and you are pissing all over the present.

Stop pissing on your presents.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 19
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/12/2010 5:45:23 AM
i have to answer this post in the context of your posting history, sorry.

your perpetual mental masturbation, constant emotion-filled second-guessing, nit-picking over-analysis, obsessive-compulsive re-examination, and non-stop nail-biting, hair-twisting twitchiness about this relationship is going to eventually erode it into something that's actually worse than nothing.

and if it doesn't, then i would question why he doesn't run screaming from the room.



How often though does a guy really mean it when he says he doesn't want kids.
pretty much all the time. otherwise i'd wonder why he lied about it.


As well, how often do they change their mind.
not very often, because it ain't exactly like getting a puppy yanno, but if HE changes his mind, you will have no way of knowing that or even predicting it unless & until it actually happens.


I would hate 5 years down the road him feeling like he needed a child and I am physically unable to accomodate this need.
i am sure there's a entire sand castle full of things that you would hate, because you think about them constantly. tell him now you can't make babies. make sure there's no second-guessing on that part of it. problem solved.
 3prong
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 20
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/12/2010 6:52:21 AM
Thanks everyone.
motown and chill, You are so completely right. I absolutely can't stand the way I am right now over this guy. I really am usually the calm collected one. I have no idea why I am so insane when it comes to this one guy where I have never been insane like this before. Pretty much everything he says and does proves that he is very into me and he hasn't given me a single reason to doubt this, yet I am unjustly insecure over him. I just don't know how to get over this - and I so want to get over this!!!!! I do have myself worked into an absolute frenzy and it's affecting my life negatively!

Back to the havin babies topic. I told his straight up there's no chance of me having babies at the beginning and talked to him another time as well saying I don't feel right dating someone that doesn't already have kids because they won't get any out of me. He was quite clear on this not being an issue for him. This is just me worrying about stupid hypothetical's again that really aren't problems. I am so sorry for wasting everyone's time.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 21
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/12/2010 7:34:20 AM
I feel it's best to take a man at his word and to simply carry on. Perhaps it would be good to share these thoughts with him that you just posted in your last post-accept what he says, and go forward. If what you're doing is driving you nuts and getting you nowhere, simply stop, or tell yourself that you will at least stick it on a shelf for a while to see how things go. I think you will find that when you let it go and just enjoy the journey that things will settle down and that you will be happier.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 22
When a guy says he doesn't want kids does he mean it
Posted: 11/12/2010 7:36:28 AM

I absolutely can't stand the way I am right now over this guy.


i'm glad that you at least recognize it as a problem. this is probably the biggest thing you have to worry about... everything else that you've brought to the forums is just a symptom of this issue. IMO. please find a way to resolve this.... you will feel so much happier and that will, of course, carry over into your relationship with this guy in a very positive way.

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