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 justbunky
Joined: 4/3/2009
Msg: 1
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multiple homesPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I'm wondering how having multiple homes affects kids. There's a little boy (3) in my life and I'm concerned about how much he gets shuttled around. Mama's house, dad's house, at least 2 grandparents' homes, aunts, occasionally mine - and no one married. He is well attached to his mother and father (they share custody), so that's good, but she goes out a lot and leaves him various places, and not just for the evening. What's it like for a kid to live like that? It can't be good. What can I say, in his interest?
 newreality2010
Joined: 10/29/2010
Msg: 2
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multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 4:13:50 PM
Don't say anything, it isn't your business.
They share custody so they will switch back and forth there, and children enjoy spending time with their grandparents. Once he starts school, he won't be able to go back and forth as much anyway.

Its better than daycare anyway.
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 3
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multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 4:59:39 PM
^^^ Agreeed. My son splits time between his mother and I daily. He is the most well behaved, sweetest, smart child you will ever meet. And this others saying this too, not just one parents opinion. Oh my son did the daycare, now pre-school thing. Like I said he is very well adjusted and very popular. So don't stress about it.
 justbunky
Joined: 4/3/2009
Msg: 4
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multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 5:01:13 PM
a little more info - he does go to day care, and that changes often, too. And I feel it is my business - I have mentored his mother since she was a child, and she looks to me for advice; I am part of their extended family. I was there at his birth (no father, no family) and we are close. She comes from an at-risk background, and so does he now. At-risk kids suffer every day because no one is willing to speak up for them, for fear, lack of concern, or the ever-handy "it's not my business" excuse. Personally, I can't live with that.

Good point about school, assuming they can keep him in one place.

oh, and I'm sure 2 homes works great for most kids - but 4 or 5??
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 5
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multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 6:01:15 PM
You're concerned because his extended family is involved in this child's life and he spends time with them?! That's right, maybe we should ban all grandparents and aunts and uncles from seeing children, because we all know what harm they can do to young children!

There is a difference between VISITING and LIVING somewhere. I believe it to be perfectly normal that kids have the occasional sleepovers at their grandparents'/aunts'/uncles'/friends' houses...it does not make these places the child's home.


She comes from an at-risk background, and so does he now. At-risk kids suffer every day because no one is willing to speak up for them, for fear, lack of concern, or the ever-handy "it's not my business" excuse. Personally, I can't live with that.

Unless the mother is still a teenager, the difference is she's an ADULT now and entitled to make her own choices. Just because you may not agree with her choices and think she's making mistakes with her child does not give you the right to speak up in this case.


And I feel it is my business - I have mentored his mother since she was a child, and she looks to me for advice; I am part of their extended family.
There is a difference between giving advice when it's asked for and butting in...learn the difference. Unless this child is being neglected, it's none of your business, no matter how much you disagree with it.


he does go to day care, and that changes often, too
There are many reasons why someone may change daycare that are beyond their control or for the BETTERMENT of their child. Ever consider the possibility that his past daycares may have closed, eliminated caregivers and had to let go kids, weren't doing a satisfactory job with this particular child, etc...? Perhaps you should be questioning WHY his daycares were switched before just judging it?

BTW, many people can overcome coming from "at-risk" backgrounds. Lack of a father does not automatically mean one is destined to a horrible life any more than having a father means one's life will turn out peachy keen. Coming from money doesn't guarantee you options throughout life any more than poverty means that one will always be destined to be poor. Our lives are defined by what we do with the cards that are dealt to us, not by the cards themselves.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 6
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 6:18:05 PM
OP-

not your child.

not your business.

mind your own business.

you have your own children to worry about....

Nosy Parker.
 tizzabelle
Joined: 8/20/2010
Msg: 7
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Posted: 11/14/2010 6:49:47 PM
I do not think that constantly being pawned off onto others; can be all that healthy for any child. I am only guessing that it may lead to attachment issues, or problems with their self esteem.

Did anyone watch Oprah this past week... one in 6 boys are sexually molested.

Not that it has happened to the little guy in question but, the more people he is exposed to the greater the chances it may happen.

Kids thrive on stability and routine! How much of that is he getting when he is being passed around to so many different homes?
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 8
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 6:55:51 PM
^^^^ Being an advocate for a child is not being a NOSY PARKER!.

You are correct being concerned. I work with kids everyday, that come from all types of situations.

Basically kids need stability and consistency. If the different homes are in sync then that is a plus.

I see kids daily who with different daily circumstances would not have as many issues as they do. It is sometimes beyond our control, which is sad.

Two different parents doing the best they can for a kid is great, but they need to be consistent with rules and boundaries to help the child adjust to life in different situations.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 9
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Posted: 11/14/2010 7:10:08 PM

I do not think that constantly being pawned off onto others; can be all that healthy for any child. I am only guessing that it may lead to attachment issues, or problems with their self esteem.

How often is this child in the care of others? What is the reason for it? If he's being left with people so the mother can work and SUPPORT her child, I think there shouldn't be a concern here, whereas, if she's doing it so she can go out partying every night, that's another matter. What are the REASONS why he's being left with others, and how often is it happening?


Did anyone watch Oprah this past week... one in 6 boys are sexually molested.

Not that it has happened to the little guy in question but, the more people he is exposed to the greater the chances it may happen.

So we should lock all children up away from anyone to lessen their chances of being molested? I'm not sure where you're going with this, but ISOLATING a child out of fear of what could happen is not going to be best for them either. It's not a matter of how many people we allow our children around but WHO we allow them around.


Kids thrive on stability and routine! How much of that is he getting when he is being passed around to so many different homes?

Again, how often is he being "passed around" as you say? And what do you mean by that term? Is he just spending the day with family (as all the people you mentioned ARE family and so SHOULD be in this kid's life), or is he spending every night at someone else's house?

If you feel the child's safety is at risk, and refuse to myob, then report it to social services and they will do an investigation and remove the child if they feel it is in his best interests. Again, if it's not your child, and he is not at risk, you really have no say in how he is raised.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 10
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 7:13:06 PM
^^^^ Being an advocate for a child is not being a NOSY PARKER!.

You are correct being concerned. I work with kids everyday, that come from all types of situations.

Basically kids need stability and consistency. If the different homes are in sync then that is a plus.

I see kids daily who with different daily circumstances would not have as many issues as they do. It is sometimes beyond our control, which is sad.

Two different parents doing the best they can for a kid is great, but they need to be consistent with rules and boundaries to help the child adjust to life in different situations.


wrong again blue eyes...it is none of her business.

zero

zip

nada damn bit of her business....


If the OP were a man- what would your view be of the OP and his "concerns" and "advocacy"???
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 11
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 7:22:07 PM

Mama's house, dad's house, at least 2 grandparents' homes, aunts, occasionally mine -
Wait a sec.........these are all FAMILY members. Kids are alowed to visit with their families. If she is single and working to support her kid, i think it is great that the family helps. And i think its great that you help. Now if was leaving the kid with stangers or random friends and aquantiances, i would ne concerned and speak out. But this doesnt seem to be a problem. Now if she is off partying and leaving the kid for days at a time, even wuth family, you should broach the subject with her. But otherwise, just leave her alone.


and no one married.[/quote[ You dont have to be married to be a quality, loving caregiver to a child.


What's it like for a kid to live like that?
Well only you can really tell how the kid is living and feeling about things, we cant because we dont know the kid or spend time withn him...is he unhappy? I think having loving trusted adults in a kids like is great, especially if there is no father/father figure. If she is just dropping him like a hot potato to party hearty regularly, that does suck for the kid. What is she doing when not with her kid and how long is she gone?
 tizzabelle
Joined: 8/20/2010
Msg: 12
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multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 7:33:47 PM
barefootkitten, I did not start this thread and, I have no idea about the details other than what were given by the OP.

A great majority of sexual abusers are family or, friends of the family. I am not saying anyone should lock their kids away but, I do think all parents need to take extra care in knowing who they are leaving their kids with... it did not sound (to me) as though this is the case here.

Edit: okay I see it is mostly just family... In my opinion it is still not good if the child is just being constantly passed off to others.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 13
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 7:42:24 PM
wrong again blue eyes...it is none of her business


If she has concerns it is her business, just as it is with anyone who has reason to suspect that something isn't right.

Who are YOU to say she does not have any business in it?




If the OP were a man- what would your view be of the OP and his "concerns" and "advocacy"???


WTF does this mean? Why on earth should this make a difference???

The ONLY thing that would concern me is the childs well-being and safety...

AND YOUR CONCERN IS???

NADA...

Just arguing as per usual......... with every point that is posted.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 14
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 7:46:29 PM
azules....

how would you feel if at some point while raising your children...some woman came up to you and expressed concerns on how you were raising your children??


I have my own opinion and thoughts on this and other points that are different than yours. That is not synonymous with argumentative...
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 15
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 8:01:43 PM
how would you feel if at some point while raising your children...some woman came up to you and expressed concerns on how you were raising your children??


1. I was a good mother, and my kids were raised with me and not put into multiple situations. .


MORE IMPORTANTLY...
2. I now work in an environment that it would be unethical to NOT report if you suspected any kind of child abuse...


YOU have no idea what I experience on a daily basis, so don't even project how I would react to someone not treating a child right and appropriately.


AGAIN... STOP...LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO TAKE UP AN ARGUEMENT WITH... It just makes you look stupid and unintelligent.
 justbunky
Joined: 4/3/2009
Msg: 16
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Posted: 11/14/2010 8:15:23 PM
"how would you feel if at some point while raising your children...some woman came up to you and expressed concerns on how you were raising your children??"


who tf cares how YOU feel if a child is in danger?????? WTH??? Selfish, self-centered b****!!! OMG!!!

God help us.
 tizzabelle
Joined: 8/20/2010
Msg: 17
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Posted: 11/14/2010 8:17:06 PM
I ran out of time to edit my Edit: Considering the fact that the OP stated the mother grew up "at risk" why would she even trust in her parent/family to care for her child properly? Unless I am interpreting that label to mean something different than it is.

"At risk" to me means troubled or unstable home environment... I am going to google it now though!

From the original post:

she goes out a lot and leaves him various places, and not just for the evening


pawning off/passing off... ditching your responsibility as a parent...
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 18
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 8:27:58 PM
I now work in an environment that it would be unethical to NOT report if you suspected any kind of child abuse...




who tf cares how YOU feel if a child is in danger?????? WTH??? Selfish, self-centered b****!!! OMG!!!



for all you ladies who cannot read...the OP mentioned ZERO about child abuse...

nothing.
nada
zip
zero...

what the OP did say was this:


I'm concerned about how much he gets shuttled around.


jumping to conclusions without reading thoroughly and then attacking other posters who have actually read and understand the topic at hand shows a clear lack of intelligence...
 ConsciousSoul
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 19
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Posted: 11/14/2010 8:37:46 PM
OP, There isn't enough details in your post to truly be able to give you any significant answer. However, a few comments comes to my mind:

1) I think that asking yourself if a child is safe and being taken care of appropriately is always good. It's not always appropriate to intervene, depending on the parents, and the line is often fuzzy, but in and of itself, I think every adult have a responsibility to keep an eye, to care for children.
Legally, every adult is bound by law to report child abuse and neglect. This being said, what you describe seems far from neglect or abuse (at least from the details you gave us), unless there are other things you didn't tell us.

2) Coming from an "at-risk background" doesn't tell much. At risk of what? In the child care jargon, we talk about at-risk assessment when a child at risk for abuse. But an at-risk background - that sounds very vague to me. Is it that her family has a history of abuse? Or is it that she simply comes from a low socio-economic level family? (poor, uneducated)? What is it that is risky about her background, that would give you concerns?

3) Yes, children need stability and a routine. On the other hand, they also need attachment to secure adults. Recent studies also have shown that the more adults a child is attached to (assuming they are good, healthy and safe adults), the more chances the kid will have as he grows up in life. So there is two sides to this story.

If the kid is moved constantly from daycare to daycare so that the parents don't have to pay (I have known a mother like that...) or from family member to another family member, randomly, with no routine, at the last minute, with adults who do not really care for him, so that the parents can have fun and go party, then yes, there is a concern.

On the other hand, if the kid is being taken care of by the same family members regularly, and is attaching with each caretaker, he is fairly soon going to build a new routine that includes all the adults and this can actually be an asset. From your description, it's hard to tell which kind of situation you are referring to.

Let us know :) Good luck!
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 20
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 8:47:42 PM
Boons since you have hijacked ANOTHER thread and made it all about you... I will repeat...


<div class="quote"> If she has concerns it is her business, just as it is with anyone who has reason to suspect that something isn't right.

Who are YOU to say she does not have any business in it?

The OP had a concern and posted it in forum. Are you now saying she doesn't have a concern? Because you don't think it is a concern? Do you know this situation? Where do you get the information that this is not concern?

BTW Boons... ARE you nuts? I think if anyone, regardless who they are have a concern about a kids well being and safety they have a right and an obligation to voice it and report it for the child's safety and well-being. Even if it is wrong, it is better to be safe than sorry after the fact.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 21
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 8:51:58 PM
Her concerns spoke nothing about abuse.

Where did she speak of abuse?

You are the one who has hijacked the thread and jumped off on the topic of abuse.

again...I'll type real slow for you to understand....

She was concerned about the child being shuttled around....

where did she speak of abuse?

No need to project your own job and daily experiences on this ladies topic...which was never mentioned....
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 22
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 9:06:06 PM
ARE YOU FOR REAL ^^^^^^^^^

No, of course not........you aren't ... I read that somewhere........

At least posters know not to take any notice of your advice.
===========================================================
OP>>>

I am glad you are concerned for the welfare of this child. Especially, as the parent has come to you for advice in the past. It is a tricky situation to be in. Always remember that the child's safety and welfare comes first regardless of friends or relatives.
 tizzabelle
Joined: 8/20/2010
Msg: 23
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Posted: 11/14/2010 9:15:28 PM
Her concerns spoke nothing about abuse.

Where did she speak of abuse?


I think neglect or, abandonment was sort of implied... maybe you need to re-read the op as well

In my opinion a three year old toddler doesn't really need to be spending that many nights away from home; unless the parent has to work nights.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 24
multiple homes
Posted: 11/14/2010 9:21:20 PM
^^^^^^I am very much for real.

Abuse was never mentioned by the OP.


IF you will not conceed to that, then you are the one who is being argumentative. You are the one who has hijacked the thread.

Projection.

Are you aware of what the means?

You have projected your own daily experiences at work into this thread. As though, because of your work- you have the pulse on every single issue someone has with a child.

Deja vu, don't ya thinks?

Had the OP mentioned abuse, hey- I'm all for her sharing her concerns. But she did not.

And you will never admit that you are wrong, in steadfastedly holding to your unfounded assumptions.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 25
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Posted: 11/15/2010 6:54:19 AM
If the extended family does not love the child, nurture the child or protect the child perhaps you have cause for alarm. no child should be left with anyone in an unsafe environment.

My children at certain points in their lives were shared between Mom and Dads homes, went to daycare while we worked and had grandparents and Aunts that occasionally cared for them in our absence as well. You had a group of 5-6 adults that loved, protected and looked forward to every minute they could spend with the children. My kids are now 12 and 16, they are both on honor roll, play school sports, one dances in a professional company and the other is a member of student government. I think they are ok.
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