| | Boyfriend out of townPage 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | My boyfriend of a year has gone home to visit family for a month.... He has been gone a week now and I have only heard from him once. I have never met his family and I said we could have a web chat...... When I went on holiday with family he called at least 4 times a day.... It drove me crazy... Now that he is gone I would like him to call so I can hear how he is enjoying his vacation... At the very least send some pics... He is very particular and gets things done right away.... Right now I am feeling that our relationship wasn't all that important to him..... I don't expect a call every day for hours maybe just 15 minutes even every other day just to know he is okay and what he's been doing..... I also asked for the number he was at he gave it to me but then said I don't have to call because he paid for the calling card.... What does that mean? He doesn't want me to flip the bill?????? Or he doesn't want me to call?? Also the trip cost about $5 - $10,000. I say what's another $150 for phone calls. Also skype is free so is email?
Let me also state that he has only lived here a year and really has no friends yet.... I had become his life and maybe I let him become mine now that he has other people I have totally been put in the back of his mind..... Now if he does call I don't want to answer the phone because I am hurt....
What do you think? | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 7:55:45 PM | You sound like his Mom
If he calls he calls
and if he doesn't he is having a good time
If this was so important for you
you should've talked to him about it BEFORE he left
told him about skype and e-mail and all those things you are
mentioning
First you were upset because he called you 4 times a day
now you are upset because he doesn't call
Maybe he does need a vacation....from you | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:08:45 PM | | Call it a hunch, but he is from a different country and you are a different race than he is. He may not call you for the simple fact of how his culture/family looks at females. | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:09:08 PM | ...lord almighty....help the OP's boyfriend survive another day!
If he hasn't seen family/friends for a year and he's only gone for a month, sheesh...let him enjoy his time at home! He's catching up with everyone - and will share everything when he comes back to you. It's only a few weeks, not like he'll be gone a a year like some military wives have to deal with.
If he doesn't return after 6 weeks, then you have something to worry about. As for now, don't sweat it, even if he doesn't call ONCE during the whole trip.
If he comes back with a wife and a baby in tow, then you know it's time to step aside.  
PS: OP, why is it that YOU couldn't put up the money for a phone card? I mean he's already spent a fortune on the trip. Close the gap a bit, huh? | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:13:41 PM | He is perhaps just wrapped up in the reunion with his family and friends. Send him a text that is not intrusive and drop the ball in his court. Stop asking for attention he is not willing to give you for whatever reason.
You are hurt because you reciprocated all his calls and he is seemingly putting you out of his mind during his holiday. Let him miss you for awhile.
On my stove their are two back burners. If you are hurt, take a step back and process it. I won't make assumptions but may I ask is this the first time he has hurt you being insensitive? Perhaps you should look at this as an opportunity to take a breather from the relationship too. Try not to skip a beat now and don't let him get under your skin.
I think this is a case of the squeaky wheel will not get more oil. Just leave him be and
let him come to you now.
His actions will speak louder than any forced phone calls at this point. I wouldn't want to feel like I had to "make" some man call me ever. | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:21:31 PM |
And you can't call him because...?
I repeat the above quote. and you can't call because?, there is this saying that I think applies "if you want it done right, do it yourself" | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:24:12 PM | | That's exactly my point I don't want him to call because he has to. I want him to call because he wants to share his holiday joy.... His lack of wanting to do that is making me wonder if his words of Your the best thing that happened in my life, I miss you all the time we aren't together... I love you with all my heart.... Not too mention his actions before he left... I just feel that he has other people to occupy his time and when he is at home depends on me too much.... During our only conversation I told him how much fun I had at a work party the other night and he said "Without me" I didn't used to be so dependant on a man at all and he has over the year asked over and over again for me to depend on him for alot of things like cutting the grass etc.... Now my head has been given a big shake up with him not calling.... He wanted me to depend on him so much and now that he is gone I can't depend on him to call every other day what's up with that..... | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:25:25 PM | Just let the guy enjoy his holiday.................good grief!!!!!!!!!
Maybe you should try not being around your family for a year and manage to go visit for month.........what would you do? I bet the last thing on your mind would be calling a boyfriend!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:27:49 PM | | I don't want to call him because he is the one away.... I want him to enjoy his trip however I want to be involved in what he is doing... I actually would just like an email every night with a few pics of family and what he is seeing..... Is that really too much to ask from a relationship.... We aren't teenagers..... We are adults in a health relationship...... | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:29:47 PM | | Actually when I went on my family vacation the first thing I did was get a US cell phone and call with the number and said you can call whenever you like.... I didn't mean 4 times a day which is how much he called when I was away.... He sure didn't let me breathe.... | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:34:13 PM |
Right now I am feeling that our relationship wasn't all that important to him What do I think? Actually, right now I know that your relationship is not all that important to you--if it were, you wouldn't have an active internet dating profile stating that you are currently seeking to develop a long-term relationship with someone other than this guy.
You don't get unless you give. You cannot expect something from someone that you aren't willing to offer yourself to that someone. Maybe this dude knows you have an active internet dating profile--that's why he doesn't feel obligated to call you as often as you implicitly expect. Have you ever considered telling this guy what you expect from your relationship? Then he has a working set of parameters--if his behavior falls outside those parameters, then your relationship is shaky. Geez this ain't rocket science. | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:38:42 PM |
He sure didn't let me breathe....
So your complaining that he called you 4 times a day while you were on a trip. But yet your expecting him to call you while he is gone..................UGH.............
OP your coming across as VERY self absorbed and self centered. Your making this an issue of what YOU want. | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 9:55:31 PM | | At 40 years of age (and not the 35 that you are STILL claiming on your profile.. tsk), you should be able to reason and well able to enjoy time on your own. If I were you, I'd take advantage of your time alone to examine your expectations of a relationship and your obvious need to have all things in your relationship be equal. Take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to do some introspection and try to be very honest with yourself about what the REAL issue is for you. I don't think his unwillingness to keep you informed while he's away is what is REALLY concerning you about the relationship. | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 10:02:34 PM |
That's exactly my point I don't want him to call because he has to. I want him to call because he wants to share his holiday joy....
Okay see, stop right here. You're lying to us, and you're lying to yourself. You want him to call, because you want to know wtf is going on over there. Period. He leaves town, and has called only ONCE within a week. I dont see this as being that unreasonable of someone that has been with you for a year...I mean one time, in a week?
You should just call him. Stop playing games. | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 10:18:06 PM | | I think you are right, he called you all the time when you were gone and he had nothing to do, now he has lots to do because he's with his family & friends. But...the fact remains, if he wanted to call you he would. If that doesn't work for you, don't ignore it, think it through, do you want to keep dating him knowing he's not really as into you as you thought or do you want someone who is more predictable that you can rely on??? | |
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esp123
| | Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 18 | |
| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 11:24:26 PM | If he went overseas where technology is limited to the area he is from then maybe he can't access to a phone.
If he is from a country where culture practices are important he is probably back there to find a wife LOL | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/23/2010 11:27:14 PM | ^^^^
~OP~ There is a LOT to be said for accountability. I don't care how busy he is with family/friends, it only takes a moment to make a quick call to say, "I'm here. Having a great time. Sure do miss ya." I don't think you should be placing time constraints on things (i.e.: 15 mins every other day, etc.) as that's rather silly. But, I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel disappointed about his lack of contact. JMO  | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/24/2010 4:48:39 AM | Good stuff from Pirate and especially JRod.
This is SUCH an old, and often repeated scenario. We ought to create a file somewhere online with this exact dreary list of wailings, just to save keyboarding space, so people can click a link to read it.
The generic version is:
"I want him to act like we just met, and he's in a panic to get in my my pants 24 hours a day, so I know he wont leave me," compounded by "If I can't actually see him or talk to him, he might be having sex with someone else Right Now!"
Teenagers suffer through this, and we have some pity for them, because they are SO young, and just don't know. When a FORTY YEAR OLD COUPLE do it, it's just annoying and tiresome.
Either you trust each other or you don't. Either you want to live together in spite of these adventures or you don't.
OP, you are doing something I will never again buy into, which is that you are COLLECTING EQUATIONS as you go through your relationship, and then demanding that the equations always stay the same. If YOU did x, then HE has to do x. If YOU are okay about y, then HE has to be okay about y. Unless you want to marry YOURSELF, this makes no sense at all. People are DIFFERENT. It's sort of why they come in separate bags of skin, actually, so that we can TELL they aren't us. So either ACCEPT that he isn't just like you in his behavior, and stay with him anyway, or leave him, and find a cloning clinic somewhere that can replicate yourself in male form, so you'll be comfortable. | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/24/2010 5:07:26 AM | take the time while he's aways to journal these thoughts and work through what the underlying problem really is
then just enjoy the solitude
acceptance is key
...and perhaps the one call didn't go so well (?).
let him have his visit and enjoy talking about it all when he returns- gently encourage it | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/24/2010 5:16:05 AM | Oh for God's sakes, I don't think the OP wanting her boyfriend to reach out to her while he's away is such a horrible crime and it doesn't make her self-centered. She's not ASKING him to call her 4 times a day - she just wants to not feel forgotten by him!
So he reunited with his family - it's not like he's trapped in a freakin' mine and can't dial a phone. He chooses NOT to, and that's what hurts the OP's feelings. I don't think she's out of line feeling slighted by this . | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/24/2010 5:40:33 AM |
. When I went on holiday with family he called at least 4 times a day.... It drove me crazy... Now that he is gone I would like him to call so I can hear how he is enjoying his vacation...
Reread this a couple of times,,,,then put your bum in the man's shoes,,,,and reread again. I don't think this is the time to be whining and wishing. If the OP wanted something,,,it should have been talked about,beforehand. Like right after the OP's holiday where the BF was being to "driven" to crazy land, and before the OP went on his trip.
I have had friends of the female gender do this flip floppy phone call thingy to me. They,,,,while making sure the guy thinks the opposite,,,love the attention when THEY GET IT. As soon as the guy decides to act on the woman's thoughts,words, actions(""he drove me crazy with ALL those calls"") they start asking why don't you call as much anymore?????
One call a week isn't bad. It's better than what she is gonna get in the future I am sure.
I also think it has a little to do with the weather the OP has been facing the last week. Cabin fever maybe???? | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/24/2010 5:41:29 AM |
it doesn't make her self-centered ...........I stick by what I posted.
WE don't know because the OP hasn't said but the boyfriend COULD be in an area where he can't get to a phone or that even has phone service. If that's not the case, he still shouldn't have to be calling her everyday...........the boy has been away from his family and friends FOR A YEAR(the OP stated he doesn't have many friends here)...........just let the boy enjoy his time with his FAMILY!!!!! He'll call eventually! If it's bothering you THAT BAD, I think you said you had the number where he is, THEN CALL HIM!!!!!!!! This isn't rocket science!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Boyfriend out of town
Posted: 11/24/2010 6:15:40 AM | in a nutshell, first you complain that he doesn't call and then you say that if he does, you want to punish him by actually not answering....
Now if he does call I don't want to answer the phone because I am hurt....
oh puh-leez. quit acting like a petulant little brat.
We are adults in a health relationship......
well, you go the first part right!... but snotty behavior from someone your age is NOT healthy.
op, you pointed pointed to the past, when your BF called 4x a day when you left town, but now that he's out of town he doesn't call. so his current behavior doesn't match what he has done in the past, and that's a source of anxiety for you. i guess you think his not-calling indicates something foreboding. therefore, you think if he were to call, then that would reinforce the idea that everything is still okay because he was interested enough to take the time to call, thereby easing your anxiety. ....even though you'll probably refuse to answer the phone. ;)
there's a whole lotta maybes in there, op. who can say for sure why he doesn't call? there could be a reason for it that you haven't thought of yet, and it could be something completely different from whatever you're imagining it means. but even if he does call you 10 minutes from now, that proves nothing, really. if he calls you in 10 minutes but then you never hear from him again until he gets back home, then what?
ultimately, this isn't about a phone call. this is about your own anxiety. you're grasping for any evidence you can to either prove or disprove whatever you're feeling anxious about.
i don't know if there are problems in this relationship or not because you didn't provide any real context for that. i don't know if this relationship going to last or whether it's already on the way out. i DO know that having anxiety about a relationship has a really insidious way of undermining it, because a person who is feeling anxious & insecure acts out in ways that are a little off and that have this really repellant quality..... it breaks bonds; it doesn't strengthen them.
whether your anxiety is justified or not (and so far, your evidence that it is justified is frankly, a little flimsy), you should find a way to address it. find out what's really causing your anxiety. your feeling at a loss for not getting a phone call isn't the real problem... it's just a symbol for whatever is really bugging you. | |
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