| | a strange setup...Page 1 of 1 | I have been hanging out with this girl for some time... we've been through alot together.
She lost her father last year... as did I... so it's been hard. Before her father died we started getting really close. Then, of course, things changed. This I expected to happen. About 1 1/2 months ago I told her how I felt about her to lay it all on the line. She said she wasn't looking for a relationship now. I can understand.
She asked me to just be her friend so I agreed to do that for her. So for now I've been just doing that. All of a sudden my friends are like "don't you see she is into you?" for about 2 weeks now. They actually took a census between them to tell me that that all agree she likes me more then a friend. I dunno. I want to honor her wishes and remain and friend and just let her come to me when she is ready. but I know her and she has always been shy. part of me thinks she will never be the one to make the move. Its one thing to take my friends oppinions and say they are just saying that or whatever to make me happy or something, but the other night i called her and she was with her friend for some kind of ladies night and while i was on the phone with her her friend was asked who she was talking to and she of course said my name. then I could her her friend go. "[name] loves you." then i hear a quick shut up and silence for about 5 seconds then she comes back and just says... can i call you back? then as i said sure she hung up. weird!
i know her dad died just short of a year ago and she is a lil emotional about that... I mean my dad died about a week before hers... it's strange. I know how she feels, well I think i do. men think differently some times.
Any thoughts on whats going on? any advice... should I give up and forever be the friend and look elsewhere? Stay the friend and wait? or infact do something and if so, what? | |
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gc33
| | Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 2 | |
| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/18/2005 10:51:44 PM | | If you really like her, respect her wishes and give her time. Don't make another move, let her do that. | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/18/2005 11:06:39 PM | | Man I gotta tell you bad circumstances aside, you've fallen into the dreaded friend zone. This is an absolute no, no doot. However there is one way out. CUT HER OFF. Don't answer her calls, avoid her, pull a dissappearing act.I don't care how bad you wanna pick up that phone man don't do it.This is probably full proof You know the ol' dissappearing act. If she really does have feelings for you she'll locate your ass faster than you can say rumplestiltskin, trust that doot. Don't fall for the okie doke fellaz, You can't sit around like somebodies PLAN B, you let the girl know right away that your PLAN A. If she can't respect that tell her to get to steppin. It just aint right man. I gotta say it, because I've been through this before. Its always the same somewhere in the back of these girls heads there thinking, "I can do better than him". Which is a trip because if a guy treats you right and looks even halfway decent how much better do you want DAMN. What kind of bull$hit is that. | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/18/2005 11:14:15 PM | well you could always try the honest approach... tell her just what you told us about your friends... tell her your not trying to push her into anything, just that after hearing that from your friends you thought you should talk to her about it and see whats up... if it turns out that they were wrong you can have a laugh at your friends with her to help lighten the mood so as to not cause stress about it... if it turns out they were right well... thats what you wanted anyway...
just don't do the.. "we need to have a serious conversation" thing... lol... make it light hearted and open.... | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/18/2005 11:19:18 PM | rabbits got it right:
From my experiences, I bet her decision to just be friends was a reaction to you "laying it on the line" and telling her how you feel about her. As soon as you spill your guts...she's outa there! Unless of course you're already in a multiple-year relationship....
Women will know how you feel just by your actions and body language...stop being so direct...they hate that....
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/18/2005 11:23:30 PM | | Man oh man, you are officially a friend to her, which as near as i can figure in womens language means that you are supposed to be there for her when she has a bad day, respect everything she says, support her actions ...now, shes knows your interested in being more than friends, so eventually she will start dating and inevitably share that info with you, which is just like her ripping your heart out and holding it in front of you while she rambles on and you just sit there and listen because you cant bring yourself to tell her to stop. DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!! I been through it, and its nowhere you wanna be. Eventually you will get the classic line "your like a big brother to me" ...thats the last straw, if i were you i would ride it out until you know for sure that she is interested, otherwise your asking for an emotional kick in the groin. | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/18/2005 11:23:34 PM | Thats odd... I've always had great experiences with being direct... the women that run away from directness arent the type I would want to be around...
This is assuming that you arent talking about being overbearing...
You reap what you sow...
play games and beat around the bush, and you'll end up with a woman that plays games and beats around the bush...
at least in my opinion... | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 3:41:34 AM | | Sounds like she's not interested but doesn't want to hurt you... | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 6:01:08 AM | Sometimes, friends can be idiots.
As much as they mean well, they are not your friend and cannot define how your friend feels. You cannot vote a girl to be in love with you. If you have a true friendship with her, then you have a very special relationship. I might test the waters again by letting her know how I feel, but I wouldn't put any pressure on her because you might just lose something that is already awesome. Treat her like the friend she is and respect her wishes. If your friendship evolves into something else, then wonderful...but let it happen on its own. | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 7:57:11 AM | well it seams everyone has a different view of it all...
I think I will just honor her wish and be a friend... I suppose I just need to move on. as much as i have feeling for her it seems I really have slim to no chance. | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 8:10:06 AM | well... I find it odd that you would show someone that you apparently care about the disrespect of not allowing her to know the truth... If you care about her and respect her, you would discuss the matter with her... to not do so, besides possible ruining a chance at something before it gets a chance to start, you are also saying you think she is an unreasonable person who cant make a rational decision on her own. At least in my opinion...
For me, I would never want to get involved in any type of relationship where I couldnt discuss any aspect of anything with my potential partner in a forthright manner. To do any less would be saying that I didn't think she could handle a forthright, open conversation. Which if it was true, would be a very good reason for me to not want a relationship with the person... | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 8:34:18 AM | I agree with you that i should be open, I just don't know I've tried the totally telling the truth thing and it seams it did nothing. I dont mean to make it out that she is incapable of making decisions of her own. But to be honest I wish she would just say whats on her mind.
in all honesty the only reason i haven't tried the open again is that i'm afraid if i do she will think i'm pushing and just stop talking to me.. | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 8:40:08 AM | so amke a joke out of the issue with her.... as in... "you know what those boneheads that I call friends said to me??"
that way its not a serious issue, but it is getting it in the open...
as for women speaking whats on their mind... lol.. it does happen... on occasion... lol
Think about this... how could she bring up the subject of changing her mind if she was so inclined, she might feel that seems she already told you that she didnt want anything more that to bring it up and change her mind might upset YOU.... | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 9:44:43 AM | hmmm never thought about that... it would be akward for her to say she changed her mind... hmmm
well i'll d some thinking about how to approach this... | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 9:45:37 AM | | Well, whatever you decide to do, and whatever the reactions are... I wish you the best man... | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 9:54:41 AM |
then I could hear her friend go. "[name] loves you." then i hear a quick shut up and silence for about 5 seconds then she comes back and just says... can i call you back? then as i said sure she hung up.
Well there's your first problem, don't hang out with people who are still in grade 8. | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 12:13:58 PM | | yes i know... some college girls can be a bit immature | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/19/2005 11:45:48 PM | The biggest lesson to learn from this situation is to not be too overbearing with a woman too soon...try to control your emotions...let her personality grab you over time....
On a certain level...(and women work on all kinds of crazy levels)....she could be thinking..."this guy seems to be just a little TOO interested TOO fast, maybe he's not interested in my personality"
Just an asumption, but I think it's pretty good....
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/20/2005 12:02:36 AM | Al... I think you've misread something along the line...
the OP said
I have been hanging out with this girl for some time... we've been through alot together.
She lost her father last year... as did I... so it's been hard. Before her father died we started getting really close. Then, of course, things changed. This I expected to happen. About 1 1/2 months ago I told her how I felt about her to lay it all on the line. She said she wasn't looking for a relationship now. I can understand.
let me repeat part of that... Before her father died we started getting real close. and then further down he says "I know her dad died just short of a year ago... so he has known this girl for over a year.. in fact he's been close to her for over a year, we have no indication of how long they knew each other before...
So... how long does it take in your opinion to get to the point where a relationship can be initiated without spooking a girl? 2 years? 5? 10??? lol | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/20/2005 12:18:39 AM | I agree with some of atomic toms ideas about not making it sound so serious or
like a commitement!
And I applaude you for respecting her wishes,as long as it's not a forever thing for
her to decide when it should go further between you two!
Another way you can honor her wishes,without her even being aware of it,is to hang
out with her as often as you can,as a hang out date,not a date date!
Get to really know her,and let her get to know your fun sides andthe real you!
Have fun with her,be real with her,she already knows how you feel,so showing little signs
of that every once in awhile is good too!
You can still date and do things together and be her friend most of all,just don't crowd
her,but don't give her too much slack either!
I would never give her up,and I would consider the possibility that she does have feelings
for you,she just doesn't know how to deal with it just yet!
Just be you,be her friend and allow her to be herself and your friend too!
One thing will lead to another,and if you two are meant to be,it will click,and besides
you already have the door open to her,and you already share a common ground,true
friendship!
Knight Rider! | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/20/2005 12:27:05 AM | Atomic Tom??? lol thats a new one... lol
OT... Kit quester makes some good points as well...
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/20/2005 12:56:34 AM | oops,my spelling got ahead of my thinking, ,sorry chronicTom,my spelling
got ahead of my brain,or is that the other way around???Night shift work screws me all
up!! | |
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| a strange setup...
Posted: 7/20/2005 8:38:27 AM | | Thanks Knight Rider... I think you may have a good point.. I'll keep that in mind.. | |
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