| | Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving PartnerPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | Hi....dont normaly do this but really need some third party advice....... To the point......ive been dating my boyfriend for a year nearly now........relationship was good...did have a few ups and downs....more on his side tho.....Anyway his mum had cancer for the past 3 years or so......Very attached to his mum....She died 2 months ago....aswell as loosing his job. We live together....and i prepared myself for this time to come, and to be there for him 100%. Because i know how it feels loosing a mother.....it tears you apart. He completely distant himself away from me. It was really bad in the beginning. Which i can understand....even moved out for a while to give him space and time......after a month he slowly became better within himself....always tried to make him laugh and cheer him up with the little of things that we have....and show him how much i love him...and want to be here for him. He got a good job and he enjoys it...which is good...cause he feels more busy now... But we recently had a talk and he mentioned he doesnt want a relationship right now......he wants to be with me and no one else..... but doesnt want a relationship....cant have any sex or do the whole calling and being emotional with me. But asks if he can still hold and kiss me. Tried to move out a couple of times....but just ended in tears ( both of us) and i always end up staying..... Its so very confusing cause he says he loves me and finds me attractive and all that......but everyday he is extremely cold. I know he is still grieving. Everyone is different and it will take time.....but i feel very lost...as if i need to let him be and get on with his life......cause he does not want a relationship right now.....i was still the same person before his mum died and still am now..... Im stuck cause i love him so much....do i be patient and wait for him to be emotionaly in love again. Or will this be like this for a very long time?.....Shall i move on.....and leave him be.......? | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 7:57:53 AM | I have been through a similar situation and I chose to leave after several months. But I encourage you not to leave him. The reason why I left was that my ex was directing all his hostility and anger at me. Your boyfriend does not seem to be doing this. He only went "numb" (cold). He will come back to how he used to be. But how he used to be... was it worth it? This is for you to answer.
Leave him alone. Get busy being happy. Don't try to cheer him up and be at his every emotional peck and call. Try to be emotionally independent and let him get himself together on his own. Tell him you will be there for him but you will let him pull together in his own time. Don't try to be his saviour because
1- He is in a place where only he and he alone can pull himself together
2- He might project his numbness on you, too
3- You will lose your own happiness in this situation and when he finally comes back to you, there will be a depressed version of you.
For now, don't put any emotional or physical demands on him. But keep your mind open to where this is going in a few months... is he still healing, or merely taking the piss. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 8:03:23 AM | | I think you should leave him !! He is making you sick with his emotional roller coaster ride.He needs to get help or suffocate in self pity.What he is doing to you isn`t healthy for you.He is being selfish right now and it is up to you how much you are willing to take.You did not take his mother from him.You are trying to help him and if he can`t see this he needs to get help.If he doesn`t get help ,get out,you didn`t do anything wrong! | |
|
| |
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 8:05:43 AM | Tough call honey....
as you know, everyone grieves differently.
2 months really isn't that long of a time, even though it feels like it to you.
You are torn between doing what is right for him....and doing what is right for you.
That is a very hard place to be in.
Personally, I'd give it another month before I would "end" it.
BUT, I would tell him, it is not fair to you for him to want to kiss on you but withhold
his heart and body from you. That would make me feel like someone emotional "blankie" , that it's not really "me" they need - just an object to hold. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 8:08:42 AM | Its hard when one loses a parent especially when one is close to that parent, everyone grieves differently.
You should move out be on your own and do the things that make you happy, sometimes when one jumps off the deep end of the pool they drown... Give him his time and space and let him know you will be there, and I would avoid the kissing part, you're too emotionally attached and it will mess you up, right now you need to be the strong one and not giving into temptation is a start. | |
|
| |
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 8:19:22 AM | | Get some information on grief counselling in your area. Do the guy, and yourself, a big favour and look in the phone book, go online, ask your doctor, etc. and get this information to him and offer to set up an appointment. We all need help sometimes dealing with issues we are not familiar with. Your boyfriend is not being selfish right now, he is in pain. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 8:21:43 AM | Amazes me when someone starts a thread having a photo that is against the rules. It puts it right out there for more than the usual people to see!
Now, grief. Comes in many forms.
He's pushed half of you away and wants to keep the other half of you around.
That's probably not something you can keep up dealing with, as is apparent with this thread.
You're more than just a half a person.
You have tried, but I think it might be time for you to again do a full seperation.. as far as living arrangements go.
Unless you CAN stay there and handle being a half of what you used to be, until he decides he wants the entire you back.
Sorry, but there's a chance he's decided he LIKES just having half of you.
Edit: I'm not saying 'leave this minute', nor am I saying 'leave him behind in the dust'.
Just that it might be time to consider leaving the living-together arrangement and try "dating" him again. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 8:40:53 AM |
Im stuck cause i love him so much....do i be patient and wait for him to be emotionaly in love again. Or will this be like this for a very long time?.....Shall i move on.....and leave him be.......? .
He may still be grieving but it sounds like he has put you in the friend zone. He wants you for support and security but nothing else. How long can you live on the hope that he'll come around? You know what they say... "absensce makes the heart grow fonder". | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 8:57:43 AM | I think IF you are willing to deal with all of this...it's only fair that he does his part. In the same situation, I would require him to seek counselling ASAP and offer to participate.
Losing his mother is one of many life issues (granted a big one) that we all must deal with. He needs to learn how to deal with it and put it in perspective in terms of the his life and those around him. It's natural to shut down from time to time...but the manner and duration of his goes beyond natural.
If he isn't willing to put forth effort to help himself, help you help him or get your lives back on track...you need to decide if this is how you want to spend this ONE life you've been given. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 9:32:24 AM | | Losing the woman that gave birth to you and cared for you for years is probably one of the biggest emotional blows a person ever experiences. Doesn't matter if it was sudden or drawn out, the fact remains she is no longer there for you. It does change the dynamic of your world in a major way and you ARE NOT the same person after as you were before. In your case, it's possible he doesn't want you to see how much it has affected him, doesn't want you to witness his emotional break downs. Respect his privacy, quit hovering, trying to fix it all for him, give him space and time to feel what he needs to feel. You might need to move out to give him space to do what he needs to do. Otherwise he might think he needs to keep it all inside and pretend he's OK just so YOU don't feel bad. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 9:49:30 AM | | I think you should leave him be and let him figure out what he needs in his life. Just let him know that you are there for him for support if he needs you. Moving on is your choice but if you truly love him its easier said than done. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 10:05:39 AM | I have not yet lost my parents, though the time is coming soon. But I DO know that it takes far longer than TWO MONTHS to recover from any significant emotional blow. Especially in THIS case, he went from being his mother's caretaker, to being just himself. A huge section of his entire life is now missing, and must be rebuilt.
Most people who lose someone will suffer anxiety about losing MORE of themselves that way, and so they become cold and distant to those around them as a form of self-protection. They will push the people CLOSEST to them away, because those they care about the most, are the ones they are most vulnerable to, emotionally. Pushing yourself TOWARDS them at such a time, will more likely increase their anxiety, and make things worse for both of you.
Time is the key. I would recommend that you consider this as a sort of investment on your part, a gamble if you will. If you stay around, and suffer as you will while he heals, he could return to being the man you knew before, or he could evolve and change such that you will no longer be compatible. This can't be predicted. The time required, would, I expect, be in the neighborhood of a year, at least. Can you wait that long? Is what you've had with him, worth risking that long to possibly reacquire? If not, then leave him now. If it IS a reasonable gamble, then stay. Either way, you will learn and change yourself through what you experience, so the time will not simply be LOST. | |
|
TDH49
| | Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 15 | |
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 10:16:29 AM |
Its so very confusing cause he says he loves me and finds me attractive and all that......but everyday he is extremely cold. I know he is still grieving. Everyone is different and it will take time.....but i feel very lost...as if i need to let him be and get on with his life......cause he does not want a relationship right now.....i was still the same person before his mum died and still am now..... Im stuck cause i love him so much....do i be patient and wait for him to be emotionaly in love again. Or will this be like this for a very long time?.....Shall i move on.....and leave him be.......?
OP, I lost my mom last year, so I understand what your guy is going through. What I don't understand is why he is shutting you out. The people I turned to for support was the people closest to me. His reaction with you makes no sense to me at all, death of a loved one usually draw us closer to the people we reall care about, not push us away from them.
I think the best thing for you to do right now is move out, no matter how hard that is to do. Give him the room he thinks he need to work things out. living with him right now is not what's best for you. Support him as much as he will let you, but do it from someplace else, not while living under the same roof. Good luck with this, it's a very sticky situation. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 10:28:52 AM | Find out where the closest Hospice facility is and what services they have available locally. Many locations have support groups, and counseling. It is a marvelous organization, if you can go together that'd probably be great. If not, at least take advantage of the services for yourself, they'd be in the best position to advise as they deal with grief situations constantly.
All you can do is give him information and suggestions. You can't do much else FOR him but you can do whatever you need to for yourself. I wish both of you the best. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 10:48:16 AM |
I have difficulty understanding this. My parents are in their 80s and won't live forever. The one person I want to be around me when I lose them, is my fiancee.
Not being rude here, but until it actually happens to you, you don't have a clue how you will ACTUALLY handle it. I'm one of the strongest people around when shiat hits the fan. I crumbled like a ton of bricks about 3 months AFTER I buried my father. I will even admit that I fell into a depression, and a lot of what the OP's Boyfriend is going through.
I withdrew, more than I normally do in situations like this. I questioned. I remembered. I cried. I yelled. I ran every emotion that ya can name. And then one day, it all turned around. Can't put my finger on the reasons why, but my daughter noticed when it happened. I do know, it was me that withdrew,etc and it was me that pulled out of it. Had very little to do with the people around me, and how much love I had for them. It was me!!!!
One of the toughest things to handle is losing someone VERY close to you. Especially if it's one of the "first" ones in your lifetime. Your boyfriend "may" need to go find someone to talk to about this.And if so, it may have to be someone NOT close to his situation.
I don't know how to tell you personally, what to do. Only you know if the love you have for your BF is strong enough for this. Only you know if you are willing to put up with this type of "bump" that does arise in quite a few relationships. It's nothing to be ashamed of, if you can't. But, I'm betting there will be one grateful guy at the end of this road if you can handle it. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 10:58:11 AM |
I don't know how to tell you personally, what to do. Only you know if the love you have for your BF is strong enough for this. Only you know if you are willing to put up with this type of "bump" that does arise in quite a few relationships. It's nothing to be ashamed of, if you can't. But, I'm betting there will be one grateful guy at the end of this road if you can handle it.
I have lost friends in war and police work..had them die in my arms. That was hard.
I've had my parents pass away, that was hard.
I've lost my daughter..that was very hard, and finally, lost my dear wife. That was the hardest.
Luckily, I had help from Hospice. My problem was..I was always someone that someone came to for strength..when I needed it..I didn't know how to ask for it..and it almost went terribly wrong..
Then, as I was healing, I had my eight year old granddaughter, come into my home. She needed me, and I needed her. It all does work out, but as Walts has said..if someone can weather this, with help, they will be very appreciative. I know.
Not knowing the exact circumstance..but the gist of it..is why I suggested professional help. It need not be expensive, Hospice is a wonderful organization..I didn't look, so not sure if the OP is in the U.S. or not..but I am sure there are other such organizations. They do help those involved. The OP is part of the grieving here..but also wants what she deserves too. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 11:17:56 AM | I've lost both of my parents, I know how tough it is.
His grief is not your responsibility. From your descriptions, I would imagine that you've done all you can for him.
Your own mental health is your responsibility, as is his. Do not let him abuse you emotionally. If it were me, I would retreat and stop announcing my intentions.
Do your own thing while he decides what type of relationship he wants with you. If he's lucky, you might still be available when he figures it out. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 11:42:15 AM | If he was actually taking care of/helping his mom a lot, then losing a job and having to get another one nailed down, he may be just exhausted,not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. He wants to do just what he has to do to keep his life afloat right now and that is perfectly understandable. But you have to look out for yourself, as well. I'd suggest that you give both him and yourself some space. I'm not saying to completely disconnect from the guy, but let him get himself regrouped, so to speak. While not suggesting that you actively go out and date every fool that comes down the pike, I think you should consider yourself as essentially single, and if you happen to meet someone else...
After all, even though we may understand, or THINK we understand what's going on with him,he's the one keeping YOU at arms' length and you have a right to have your own best interests at the top of the list,even while having all the compassion in the world for his situation.
Cindy O | |
|
| |
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 2:07:42 PM | he lost his mum and his job, probably in a depression... I like the advice of the first poster who answered you - to keep yourself busy and happy and to just give him time without pressure or demands, sensitive to his needs and be willing to be there with a listening ear and caring arms.
If you sense he's getting worse rather than better (starts not wanting to get up, stops personal hygiene, starts getting angry with you for no reason, stops eating etc.) then trying to get him into counseling for his grief/depression would probably be a good idea
In the meantime, is there anyone else he trusts in his life? A pastor or doctor or older relative that he could talk with? | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 3:50:36 PM | | its only been a little while, he cant just say oh well mums dead so ill get on with my life. of course its gonna affect him bigtime,its his mum ! i can understand what ur saying but if u love him then u will be there for him and let him deal with his grief the way he seems to be dealing with it,hes hurting,hes angry,hes numb,hes cold etc its possible hes subconciously being cold towards u cos hes lost someone he loves and is scared to love u incase u go too so hes pushing u away but that wont last and after time hell start getting back to his old self, give him a cuddle when hes down but also carry on with ur nrmal everyday stuff ,life goes on ! plz forget all this talk about sex etc hes lost his mum for god sake,give him time ok! if u cant handle it than leave and get o with ur life, if u love him than be there for him, understand what hes going through and know he needs u right now! remember... youve got parents too and one day ur be in his shoes and would u want him to leave u after 2 months cos u was still grieving?? | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 4:41:34 PM | This is what tests what a relationship is made of.
He not only lost his mother that he took care of, but he probably is having issues with her dying being as he was taking care of her.
Eventhough in his mind she had terminal cancer, he will go through every little detail step by step, to try and figure out what he could have done differently.
He is not being cold to you.
He just doesn't have it to give.
He will get it back, he may need help eventually if he keeps withdrawing.
Right now this is pretty normal.
You on the other hand, need to decide how much you love him and if he is worth a tumultous 6 months to give him the time he desparately needs. | |
|
| Please Help..Advise much needed for Grieving Partner
Posted: 1/16/2011 4:43:08 PM | | She only died two months ago, his grieving will probably take much longer. I suggest you both go to counseling but if he won't go, you go alone and work on things. I do think you need a third party but not strangers on a message board. I would not make any big decisions right now. | |
|
Home
login 
