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| | my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?Page 1 of 13 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13) | I am a single dad to 3 and am as sure as I can be that my daughter is sexually active.
Now I am no prude - but I don't think this is the best course of action for her - or the family.
She is using some contraception - but my problem is she is still putting herself at risk. She keeps trying to get permission to have sleep overs at various friends - which I refuse - I try to keep a tight rein on her - but when she goes to visit her mom ( she has BF there and I know mom has let bf sleep with her ( 13 vs 17 yo ) she is / was allowed weeks away from home
I just dont know how to deal with this - just ignore it!!?? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 4:29:13 AM | If I were you, I would get the text of the law out, and find the age of consent.
If in your country they have some common sense, it shouldn't be under 16.
If you, subsequently, find that she is having underage sex, I would talk to her and the mother and say that either they cut it off, or you will contact the authorities and report the BF as a rapist (this would actually be possible in UK, and it wouldn't be the first case).
Best of luck. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 4:35:18 AM | good lord, your daughter's mother must be either a skank or incredibly naive.... which do you think it is? because what you can do about it depends somewhat on the mother. if she's a skank, she just isn't going to care about the daughter having sleep-overs with her boyfriend no matter what you say. but if she's incredibly naive, then maybe she really hasn't figured out yet what you have, so you should let her know what's going on and ask her to stop allowing these sleepovers. either way, if the mother refuses then you should disallow the daughter from spending more than very limited and supervised visits with her mother, and have the mother declared as UNFIT and INCOMPETENT in a court of law.
also, if your daughter's old enough to be on the pill, she is old enough to get a lecture or two or three from you about risky behavior. i really don't think mommy is up to the task, so it's on you. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 5:33:37 AM | You need to talk to your daughter about this.
You need to talk to her about the responsibilities that come with being sexually active.
If you think it's too hard or too awkward, then you're avoiding your responsibility to her.
With my daughter, I stressed the emotional side to sex - that it took a while for the mind to catch up with the body and that she could get hurt.
Somehow, you've got to make her feel comfortable enough to confide in you. That way, you will know what's going on and advise accordingly.
I think 14 is too young, but it depends on the culture around where you live. If it's the norm among her peer group, you're going to have a hard time convincing her it's not the wisest course of action.
Can you talk to your ex-wife about this? Can you start off there? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 6:10:19 AM | Well, I see that you are in the UK.
Sorry to break it like this, but sex with an under 16 there is rape, whether consented or not.
I still remember the case of the 14 yo girl and the 16 yo boy, who were in a relationship sexually active, and when they were found the boy was charged with rape, and the boy sued the girl for being provocative and inducing him to commit a crime...
I would talk to mother and daughter, together, and tell them that one more, and they all three get reported, and, if you find evidence of it, start with the police...
To Ruby: unfortunately, in the UK it has been promoted that a woman, to be desirable, the more slutty she is, the better. It was a pain buying clothes for my daughter, because what they sell for young kids is mini models of the fashion for big people: very short skirts, short tops, etc, far worse than what was on Vogue back in December. It is very sexualized and that has been made to be the way if you want to be considered a modern person. Despite of having free contraception, few use it because of lack of education, or not wanting to bother. A real mess. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 6:14:37 AM | I have a 14 yo daughter, and your subject is one of my worst nightmares. Girls that age are just as overwhelmed with hormones as boys - and it makes them crazy! In my case, she's miserable, and makes sure everyone knows it. I guess I should be glad I'm only dealing with uncooperative behavior and the occasional curse word. However, just the other day she told me that 'half the girls in 9th grade are pregnant'. OK, that's probably an exaggeration, but for her to even say that means it's part of the culture in her school... and we live in a decent school district! But that statement opened up a dialogue.
My advice to you is communicate the potential risks and dangers (stds, pregnancy, emotional fallout) as well as attempt to identify her motivation (acting out, fitting in, feeling 'unloved', low self esteem). Keep an ONGOING open dialogue.
Understand, that as a man, you are at a distinct disadvantage - a 14 yr old girl is not likely to open up to her (judgmental?) father. As her mother does not appear to be an option, do you have a sister, older niece or female friend of the family that your daughter knows and trusts who could talk to her? I have a good friend of mine who is 10 years younger than me - my oldest considered her a confidant. It worked out GREAT for me.
How long have you been separated from her mother? Has she ever gotten any counseling? Does your daughter have extracurricular interests (other than boys)? Dance, sports, something that you can encourage - that might keep her occupied and focused. What I don't recommend it attempting to 'clamp down' on her - essentially putting her under house arrest. She'll only resent you - and find ways to circumvent your authority. That’s not to say you should let her come and go as she pleases. My daughter’s have always known that I have to know: where they will be – before they get there, with whom – first and last names as well as phone numbers, times and intentions – or they simply don’t go.
she has BF there and I know mom has let bf sleep with her
Based on this – in the U.S. your daughter's mother would be an accessory to statutory rape. I would go for full custody and limited visitation - and if she even thought about fighting it, I'd threaten criminal charges.
You've got a tough row to hoe, my friend. Be patient with her. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 7:46:00 AM | My Ex would be getting a call from me and the authorities if this was the case. 14 year olds are not mature enough to handle a sexual relationship or its consequences. Your Ex must be out of her Gd-damned mind.
I would never allow her a 'sleepover' unless I have talked to the other child's parents first. Keep a close eye on her and track down the BF and have a stern talk with him. Be sure to mention child endangerment and sexual abuse laws.
Better to be a b@stard now then to be a Grandfather next year. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 8:23:14 AM | Well, I see that you are in the UK.
Sorry to break it like this, but sex with an under 16 there is rape, whether consented or not.
Sorry to break this to you but you havent got a clue and should stop posting such rubbish. They cannot consent ....Oh look it up.
I still remember the case of the 14 yo girl and the 16 yo boy, who were in a relationship sexually active, and when they were found the boy was charged with rape, and the boy sued the girl for being provocative and inducing him to commit a crime...
Was that in UK ?
I would talk to mother and daughter, together, and tell them that one more, and they all three get reported, and, if you find evidence of it, start with the police...
To Ruby: unfortunately, in the UK it has been promoted that a woman, to be desirable, the more slutty she is, the better.
Ohmigod what ARE you talking about ?
It was a pain buying clothes for my daughter, because what they sell for young kids is mini models of the fashion for big people: very short skirts, short tops, etc, far worse than what was on Vogue back in December. It is very sexualized and that has been made to be the way if you want to be considered a modern person.
You must have been looking at the Anne Summers range.
Despite of having free contraception, few use it because of lack of education, or not wanting to bother. A real mess.
For someone who claims to be better educated your ignorance is breathtaking. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 8:40:56 AM | First, collect FACTS. A bunh of singles on a dating site are only going to be able to give you opinion, or what they have experiences LOCALLY to themselves.
Call your local law enforement agency and ask all the questions you have about this.
Then, lay out those facts to your daughter. Let her know that you could make life really tough for her boyfriend. As uncomfortable as it may be, have some articles of real life situations where 14 year old girls are pregnant and abandoned by the 'love of thier life' within a the first couple of years. Take her by the 'projects' where single mothers on the system live...show her the possible consequences of her actions.
If you have a decent relationship with Mom, get her involved too. If not, maybe look into having custody revoked til Mom plays by the rules... | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 12:01:39 PM |
Was that in UK ?
Yes it was. In 2008, to be exact. It was on BBC, although you may not watch it much.
Sorry to break this to you but you havent got a clue and should stop posting such rubbish. They cannot consent ....Oh look it up.
That's exactly what I'm saying, as they cannot consent it by law, whatever they claim, it's rape.
Ohmigod what ARE you talking about ?
Maybe you missed how doctors were "recommended" to prescribe the pill from the age of 12, and how getting vibrators for Christmas became also a fashion in order to "help" girls to not engage into actual sexual activity too early.
For someone who claims to be better educated your ignorance is breathtaking.
For someone who claims to be British, your ignorance of what the system and the NHS do is breathtaking.
Pills, intra uterine device, implants and condoms (among others) were given free at sexual health clinics. All you had to do was to ask for an appointment, they would do whatever checks on you, ask you about your sexual activity, and recommend whatever was suitable. I once asked whether there was a limit on the number of condoms I could take, and I was told that it wasn't a problem, I could go as often as I wanted and get as many as I wanted. I was given a little card to write in what was given and on which dates, and that was all.
There are many pills. Still, I could name you 15 girls who took one, apparently made them sick, and never went back to the doctor to ask for a different one. Many of these girls were single mothers and quite a few found themselves with a "surprise" second child.
You must have been looking at the Anne Summers range.
Anne Summers range for children? What were you doing looking at that?
For your information, it was at shops such as Primark, George, Tesco, Beatties, Debenhams, Matalan and BHS. I remember distinctively not being able to buy my daughter a skirt, as the one for her waist size used to have a length of about 20 cm (about 8 inches). Those became a problem especially when the child would bend down, and her bottom would be seen.
But maybe some actually like it that way...
As I see that you don't watch or read the news, you probably don't know either about the parents' movement who got together to protest about these issues, especially going against the sexualization of clothing for young girls when the cases of pedofilia, etc, were on the rise. Get back to 2007/2008 for that.
In other words, I shall suggest you actualize yourself with what goes on in your country, before calling rubbish onto what somebody who lived and experienced it is saying.
It's a very typical British thing to think that foreigners, just because we are, don't actually have a clue, when there are a lot of Britons who cannot even write in their own language properly. Just to give an example. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 2:24:36 PM |
Was that in UK ?
Yes it was. In 2008, to be exact. It was on BBC, although you may not watch it much.
BBC 1 or BBC 2.?
Sorry to break this to you but you havent got a clue and should stop posting such rubbish. They cannot consent ....Oh look it up.
That's exactly what I'm saying, as they cannot consent it by law, whatever they claim, it's rape.
You are wrong.
Its not rape its unlawfull sex. A 14 year old CAN consent .A child 12 or under cannot.
Ohmigod what ARE you talking about ?
Maybe you missed how doctors were "recommended" to prescribe the pill from the age of 12,
Again you have your facts wrong :
A BMA spokeswoman said: "If a child goes to a doctor for advice they are entitled to confidentiality if they are mature enough to be taking decisions about their own health.
"That is for the doctor to assess. The older a child gets, the greater must be the presumption in favour of confidentiality.
and how getting vibrators for Christmas became also a fashion in order to "help" girls to not engage into actual sexual activity too early.
What you buy you daughter for xmas is your business. Dont tell me you heard that on the bbc as well. I think you were mixing with a bad crowd when you visited UK.
For someone who claims to be better educated your ignorance is breathtaking.
For someone who claims to be British, your ignorance of what the system and the NHS do is breathtaking.
You are the one posting your version of UK laws like you had a clue. Not me.
I can afford to buy my own contraceptives and i would rather pay my way in life. I cant help wondering why you are so knowledgable regarding the freebies available here. Cant you get vibrators where you come from ?
Pills, intra uterine device, implants and condoms (among others) were given free at sexual health clinics. All you had to do was to ask for an appointment, they would do whatever checks on you, ask you about your sexual activity, and recommend whatever was suitable. I once asked whether there was a limit on the number of condoms I could take, and I was told that it wasn't a problem, I could go as often as I wanted and get as many as I wanted. I was given a little card to write in what was given and on which dates, and that was all.
I do so hope you come back and visit us again when your stockpile of condoms run low or your batterys run down.
I'm glad the tax i pay isnt being wasted
There are many pills. Still, I could name you 15 girls who took one, apparently made them sick, and never went back to the doctor to ask for a different one. Many of these girls were single mothers and quite a few found themselves with a "surprise" second child.
Go ahead then. Name them.
You must have been looking at the Anne Summers range.
Anne Summers range for children? What were you doing looking at that?
It would seem that you didnt understand my post. How long have you been putting your own spin on reality. You were the one looking at sexualised clothing for your daughter. Remember...Helloooo.
For your information, it was at shops such as Primark, George, Tesco, Beatties, Debenhams, Matalan and BHS. I remember distinctively not being able to buy my daughter a skirt, as the one for her waist size used to have a length of about 20 cm (about 8 inches). Those became a problem especially when the child would bend down, and her bottom would be seen.
You bought them for her then ?
You were probably looking headbands dear. Letting your imagination get the better of you again.
But maybe some actually like it that way...
I prefer mature women who dont dress like sluts .Or dress their kids lolita fashion.
As I see that you don't watch or read the news,
How would you possibly know what i watch ? You dont need to watch the news. Your pretty good at making it up.
you probably don't know either about the parents' movement who got together to protest about these issues, especially going against the sexualization of clothing for young girls when the cases of pedofilia, etc, were on the rise. Get back to 2007/2008 for that.
Dont tell me... You have a time machine .
In other words, I shall suggest you actualize yourself with what goes on in your country, before calling rubbish onto what somebody who lived and experienced it is saying.
I am only familiar with the more civilised side of uk life. I havent spent time on the streets like you seem to have. Never sold the big issue in the ghettos .
I have never wanted handouts. Not been to the clinic.
Sheltered life me.
It's a very typical British thing to think that foreigners, just because we are, don't actually have a clue, when there are a lot of Britons who cannot even write in their own language properly. Just to give an example.
No hun this is pidgin english allright. I know your having trouble understanding but ask a friend to explain if your stumped.
You are a good example of why some brits dont like foreigners . Some come here just to scrounge. If you dont like uk you dont have to come here. But if you must then do try to stay out of the gutter. I know birds of a feather and all that but if you can manage it you will meet a better class of person. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 2:29:42 PM | oh my word!!! I am a bit of a forum virgin (;-p)
We Do have opinions don't we!!!
Trust me - if a rape charge were an option i would not be here> I won't bother searching ( google yourself) but AFAIK -I am sure "Statutory rape " applies if the child is under 13 -and this carries a potential prison sentence. Once the child is 13+ it ( sex of any kind!?or sexual intercourse -not sure ) is still technically illegal but...
difficult to "prove" / evidence / persecute - and prosecutions pretty much unheard of - unless the male is substantially older ( aka pedophile )
She has taken contraceptive precautions.
I really don't like it, but BUT I don't think I will make her stop by being prohibitionist ...
16 in the uk
13 in spain
.... it's just a number...
I hat e it as I have lost my little girl -and she hast lost her interest in dance/athletics/ etc...
par for the course...? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 2:33:14 PM | Hello OP,
I have read a lot of comments regarding your daughter's mother and her decisions with your daughter, but little comments about your question: how could you deal with it on your side?
This problematic is very difficult, because at this age, young adolescents will most likely shut you off their lives if you try to control their lives. Interventions must be very careful, if you do not want to sever the connection: how can you stay in the loop, yet also act to delay as much as possible her sexual involvement and minimize the risks of sexually transmitted infections and/or early pregnancy?
Keep in mind that the more you use force, trying to stop her from seeing her boyfriend or control who she can see, the more it becomes desirable for her to do just that: to prove to herself that she is in control of her own life, she will lie, hide it from you, and find workarounds to do the very things you warned her not to do.
Because in the end, you cannot attach her to your wrist and be with her 24/7, she will always be able to find a way to escape if you rely on control. Instead, you must switch to influence and keep your relationship with her strong and open. You must be trustworthy of her self-disclosures if you want her to confide in you and listen to your advices. And that's not talking about how careless she can be when she is with her mom: all the more reason to try to use influence with her, rather than control - so that your influence may still help even when she is with her mom.
Concretely, here is how:
- Have a one-on-one conversation with her, about this topic, at a moment that is good for both of you
- Don't lecture, instead, speak only in "I" and express your fear genuinely, then ask her to offer you solutions to help you be reassured
- Let her find her own solutions, be open, do not jump on with "no" if she start saying how she likes to be with her bf or how she feels it's her life and none of your business
- Instead, reflect back the emotion. Rephrase her concerns. Show that you understand: you can say things like "Yeah, I remember, when I was your age, I wanted to experience this too, I hated when my dad wanted to control who I could see" or "You really want to see this boy, it's really important for you". Basically: show that you REALLY do understand
- Then voice your concerns again. Speak in I, always in "I". Continue this cycle until shge comes up with solutions that you can live with.
Showing that you understand is critical. This is what will truly remove some pressure from her - by knowing you are respected and your parents ultimately understand that it is your life, you no longer have act in "defiance" and instead you can truly ask yourself: "am i ready?" ..you can have conversations about being ready, btw.
Ultimately, if you have no choices and she is adamant about doing it (or if she is already sexually active behind your back), you are WAY better at least knowing it and, ideally, it's WAY better if it happens under your roof where you can be there if there is a problem (if she says no at the last minute), than if it happens out of your side at the back of a car in a dark alley. Plus, you get to see the boy and evaluate that he poses no threat; gang members for instance will probably flat out refuse to spend the night with your daughter in the parent's house. Getting to know the bf at least gives you some measure of control.
Don't ignore this.
It's too important and there are too many risks to ignore it... and on the other hand, if you do ignore it, your daughter will happily oblige and you may only hear about it again when she is actually pregnant or has contracted an infection. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 3:20:35 PM |
13 in spain
It's not just a number OP.
For us, it's a lot sadder than this.
It has been made legal that a teenager of any age can go to a chemist and request the morning after pill without a prescription. Chemists have said they know of people who will come every weekend for it. It's also legal for a teenager under 16 to have a termination without the parents' consent nor knowledge. Youngsters are being told that they have free and very limited (to none) access to morning after pills and abortions "in case anything happens".
The Government is doing this to indulge them where it matters the most for them at that age, so they will be likely voters.
This is coming to nearly no sexual education: they are not aware of STDs, prevention or the risks of the methods "advertised". As a teacher, I have see this first hand.
Recently, and after some news on the subject, there was a study that said that, at 13, children were mature enough to understand the emotional side of sex and, therefore, to agree to a sexual relationship from a fully informed and consequent point of view.
We are doomed in Spain in this regard.
It's not just a number.
I remember the case, also in UK, also in the news, of the girl who, being 12, became pregnant and whose mother took her for an abortion. Situation was that, due to the lack of maturity of her body, the abortion caused her womb to get infected, and was now rendered unable to host another pregnancy in her life. Due to lack of education, factual and emotional, this girl has become barren long before she could make an adult decision about whether she wants a family or not.
By all means, talk to her, but the way you have told the story suggest you can't get too far with neither the mother nor the girl... | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 3:37:46 PM | Pitufina - I understand you have strong views. An agenda even. ...
Sex education and appropriate contraception IS a good thing - we have ( the UK ) for a long time had the highest teenage pregnancy in Europe - that was not because of easy access to contraception!!!!??
I do not like the (too ) early sexualisation of young girls... but restricting their access to appropriate contraception is not a good move IMHO | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 3:43:43 PM | good thinking soul man - I have been meaning to have "that conversation" with said daughter for a while - I made available to her appropriate publications AND I know the schools do do a good sex ed program.
She is a very intelligent and self reliant girl - It IS maybe that it IS just numbers - and the number 14 is meaningless -
apart from my feelings
the law
her peers
her immature cervix ( more vulnerable to the wart = cancer virus)
distraction from her studies.
I will talk to her - and use your good words - re written to suit me / her as a guide
thank you.
;-) | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 3:56:42 PM | OP: I'm not saying that the access to contraception should be restricted. Where did you read that?
What I'm saying is that it is to be praised that contraception is free. Here it isn't. An implant can cost over 300-500€, for instance.
I think it's absolutely fabulous that condoms are freely given, really. But people's sexual education leaves a lot to hope for. Everytime I heard "oh the pill makes me sick", ok so what are you doing, "nothing", it was a big facepalm.
Here, the subject of everybody's agenda comes in: more babies, more money from the state in benefits. Children from different gender, bigger council house...
The resources are there, furthermore, as much as I'm aware, the UK allowed for youngsters to discuss sexual health matters with school nurses without the knowledge of the parents. But many choose to remain ignorant.
I can't believe, for the life of me, that a country where contraception is free would have the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe, but it does. Why doesn't it happen here? Because contraceptive methods have a price. The pill I'm taking at the moment costs me over 10 pounds sterling a month. But yeah, here a 16 year old comes and says she's pregnant, and the social worker tells her to go and find where to live, so maybe that deters people from playing with fire... I don't know.
Sexual education needs to be there, and it isn't. Problem you have is that, within the age of consent, there are moral issues which many can choose to ignore.
I don't know OP, maybe you have your problem already resolved, and you just need to go to your daughter and give her a couple of boxes of condoms... But it sounds from you initial post that you don't think it's appropiate for your daughter to be having sex at this age, and you sounded dismayed that her mother would, seemingly, allow it.
Frankly, and if it was me, and having seen a very recent case in my country when one of these relationships ended with the girl losing her life badly, and the risks already mentioned of misusing contraception methods (don't think the morning after pill is one, because it isn't), risk of STDs at a young age, which could render her barren because she is too young, etc, I would do everything in my hand to stop it.
The other day I let go of my niece one second (she's four), and she tried to proceed to cross the road when cars where coming. The moment I saw her move, I grabbed her by the arm and shouted at her "no, where are you going". She cried. Anyone can tell me it was over the top, maybe, I should have tried a diplomatic, empathetic and permissive approach...
But she's alive and in one piece.
Some things require action, pronto. Tomorrow might be too late. And something such as a young girl having sex and with older boys carries a number of risks that make simmering around for months totally unwarranted... | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 3:58:29 PM |
when you visited UK.
You mean when I lived there...
I cant help wondering why you are so knowledgable regarding the freebies available here.
Because I lived there...
Cant you get vibrators where you come from ?
As a matter of fact, we get individual rooms with ensuite bathroom in the maternity wards, where the rooms are cleaned everyday and the bed linen is also changed every day, unlike the UK. And no, we don't get nurses complaining about their job when we ask them for the correct way to bath a newborn baby, as it does happen in the UK.
I'm glad the tax i pay isnt being wasted
Neither mine, nine years of it to be exact, which is nine more than a lot of Britons who live from the system claiming some kind of mental disability.
You bought them for her then ?
Of course I didn't, I couldn't. I wasn't going to expose my daughter like that in front of such a crowd.
How would you possibly know what i watch ?
Certainly not the news, hahahahahahahaaaaa, although given the quality of much British TV, I'd rather not know.
Never sold the big issue in the ghettos .
I have never wanted handouts.
Me neither. I asked my GP for advice, and followed his instructions. Sounds sensible.
Not been to the clinic.
Floor in your argument. How can you have an opinion on something that you don't know?
You are a good example of why some brits dont like foreigners .
That's a xenophobic argument.
You are a good example of the kind of person that made my manager come out more than once and tell the person in question that they would be reported for racist attack if they carried on with their attitude.
But I'm used to it. Some people don't like to be told the reality, specially when it comes from a foreign, younger and more learned woman.
No hun this is pidgin english allright.
Your English doesn't make sense at times, although must come from the mixture with that minoritary language called Welsh.
I am only familiar with the more civilised side of uk life.
Sad to see you haven't gone beyond getting familiar to actually taking something in, learning and implementing. You are a primary example of why Britons have a bad reputations among foreigners, especially those whom, like me, were able to do work of higher standard and more quality than your countrymen.
And none of your xenophobic arguments are going to help the OP. Whether you care to admit it or not, the reality of your country is what it is. The OP would do well to find out actually what the hell is going on, who is this BF, and whether his parents know who is he having sex with and its legal consequences. He is a father and has to do whatever is necessary to protect her daughter. Because a young girl who is trying deception on him and hiding behind his back in order to have sex, at age 14, needs to be protected, if anything else, from the dangers of being so naive. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 4:05:17 PM |
I will talk to her - and use your good words - re written to suit me / her as a guide
thank you.
http://www.janebluestein.com/articles/whatswrong.html
What’s Wrong with “I-Messages”?
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
We also can get into trouble when we, like the man in my workshop, attempt to use I-messages to control or change someone. Simply stating feelings is one thing. But there is particular danger when we structure I-messages to suggest that the other person’s behavior is responsible for our feelings,
His response was very good in dealing with your daughter and the potential problems but one should be wary of the "I" tool. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 4:52:13 PM | yea - good point - can be interpreted as "blaming / inferring inadequacy " - a crude ( subtle) technique to "own ones own feelings" -- e.g."I am worried about you because I don't think you can - don't think you know... "
And I do know I better tread carefully - she has a monster temper on her - and has "rejected me " as her father - is "forced" to live with me rather than ( her preference ) her mother - where the rules / boundaries ( including apparently letting her have sex in the house with her 17 yo BF ) are far more lax...
I might compose a outline / guide and publish it here for you guys to give it a once over - some good thoughts / opinions appearing after a few rants and back biters,,,.. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 4:54:47 PM |
good thinking soul man - I have been meaning to have "that conversation" with said daughter for a while - I made available to her appropriate publications AND I know the schools do do a good sex ed program.
I am sure then that this conversation will be fruitful for your daughter.
If I may add one comment: if you can, and it's not too late, it's also helpful to have several "small" talk about this rather than one big scary single talk.
Every day experience can be a pretext ; as some news hit the TV screen, for instance, it can be a pretext to an interesting discussion about various related topics.
These topics, triggered randomly here and there with the adolescent could be:
- Is there a difference between sex and love?
- How do I know I am "ready" ?
- What does "respect" means?
- What would I do if I get pregnant?
- What is my plan for my future? (Do I want to work? Travel? etc...) and how does pregnancy would affect my choices?
etc...
It's much more effective when it happens spontaneously, it is less scary and may feel less intrusive for the adolescent too.
he is a very intelligent and self reliant girl - It IS maybe that it IS just numbers - and the number 14 is meaningless -
It's not THAT meaningless... it IS quite young to be sexually active, and I understand your concern. After all, 14 still has some average meaning about child development. We could replace "14" with "early adolescence" to encompass a broader and truer definition.
In and of itself, it is true that 14 in two different person may mean very different maturity and values. Some 18 are not ready and some 14 may very well be.. it depends on maturity.
apart from my feelings
the law
her peers
her immature cervix ( more vulnerable to the wart = cancer virus)
distraction from her studies.
All of these concerns, you can genuinely voice and discuss with her.
Additionally, for the cervix cancer, I have heard that there is a vaccine now that targets specifically the 2 strands of genital warts that are directly linked to cancer; and it only works if a person has never been in contact with the virus before. You may want to investigate this with your/her doctor.
I will talk to her - and use your good words - re written to suit me / her as a guide. thank you. ;-)
I am glad to be of help. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 5:00:08 PM | Independent july 2005...
More than one-fifth of schoolgirls have had three sexual partners by the age of 14, according to a new survey. The survey of 2,000 younger teenagers found that 22 per cent had had sex by the age of 14. Many had slept with multiple partners despite regretting their first experience.
The findings show that, of the 22 per cent of 14-year-olds who had had sex, most said they had between two and four partners, almost two-thirds did so unprotected (65 per cent), and almost half had had a one-night stand and taken the morning-after pill. Most experienced their first "proper kiss" by the age of 12, while 16 per cent of under 14-year-olds also said they had had sex. A third said they did not like their sexual partner, with more than a quarter claiming he had forced himself on her. Six per cent said they had been assaulted.
A psychotherapist, Tina Radziszewicz, said: "These figures are really depressing. The main problem is still that many girls don't know how to say 'no'. They desperately want affection and cuddles, but are terrified of losing their boyfriend so they give in to sex."
Seventy per cent of girls said they needed more information but felt let down by parents and teachers. Almost two-thirds said their parents had never broached the subject while only 7 per cent said they received enough information at school.
Most held romantic views, with almost all hoping to marry before having children and insisting love and affection were more important than sex. Three-quarters said there was far too much pressure to have sex. By the average age of 14 and a half, two-thirds said they had had their heart broken twice.
The research was carried out for Bliss magazine. The editor, Lisa Smosarski, said: "Peer pressure from friends plays a great role in this - they are desperate not to be the last virgin in school, but often they are not emotionally mature enough to deal with the situation." | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 5:02:10 PM |
can be interpreted as "blaming / inferring inadequacy " - a crude ( subtle) technique to "own ones own feelings" -- e.g."I am worried about you because I don't think you can - don't think you know... "
Speaking in "I" doesn't mean you are doing a proper "I" statement.
Proper "I" statements are sincere and transparent, not manipulative. In addition, some sentences using "I" are hidden "You" statements, when the "you" is implied under it.
for instance:
"I am worried about you because I don't think you can do XYZ"
is a hidden "You" message. In essence, it is the same as if you said:
"You can't do XYZ"
which puts back the blame on the other person.
A more effective way to say this would be something like:
"I am worried when I realize my daughter may now become sexually active, because there are a lot of danger out there and I care very much for you"
It's also good to use "may" and other conditional statements; so that you show you don't assume anything. "I am worried you may not know about STI" is a better statement than "I am worried because I don't think you know about STI".
Anyway! There are courses many weeks long just on this technique, so I can't outline everything here ;-) Good luck! | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 5:06:59 PM | when you visited UK.
You mean when I lived there...
I cant help wondering why you are so knowledgable regarding the freebies available here.
Because I lived there...
I live here. You visited.
Cant you get vibrators where you come from ?
As a matter of fact, we get individual rooms with ensuite bathroom in the maternity wards, where the rooms are cleaned everyday and the bed linen is also changed every day, unlike the UK. And no, we don't get nurses complaining about their job when we ask them for the correct way to bath a newborn baby, as it does happen in the UK.
I would complain as well. Its your baby. You wash it.
I refuse to take responsabillity for the state of the NHS. Its not my fault.
Honest.
I'm glad the tax i pay isnt being wasted
Neither mine, nine years of it to be exact, which is nine more than a lot of Britons who live from the system claiming some kind of mental disability.
Why didnt you claim it then ?
You bought them for her then ?
Of course I didn't, I couldn't. I wasn't going to expose my daughter like that in front of such a crowd.
What crowd ? And where are the promised 15 names.
How would you possibly know what i watch ?
Certainly not the news, hahahahahahahaaaaa, although given the quality of much British TV, I'd rather not know.
And I thought you knew everything.
Never sold the big issue in the ghettos .
I have never wanted handouts.
Me neither. I asked my GP for advice, and followed his instructions. Sounds sensible.
Not been to the clinic.
Floor in your argument. How can you have an opinion on something that you don't know?
So theres a floor in my arguement is there.
And my engerlish is poor. But i aint a teacher.
You are a good example of why some brits dont like foreigners .
That's a xenophobic argument.
Dont get all musical on me. disclaimer: i know what you mean.
You are a good example of the kind of person that made my manager come out more than once and tell the person in question that they would be reported for racist attack if they carried on with their attitude.
Well i hope you took his warning onboard.
Were you talking about all the british sluts again ?
But I'm used to it. Some people don't like to be told the reality, specially when it comes from a foreign, younger and more learned woman.
Who is this woman you speak off ?
No hun this is pidgin english allright.
Your English doesn't make sense at times, although must come from the mixture with that minoritary language called Welsh.
Thats a rather xenophobic attitude you have. And your english is floored as well.
I am only familiar with the more civilised side of uk life.
Sad to see you haven't gone beyond getting familiar to actually taking something in, learning and implementing. You are a primary example of why Britons have a bad reputations among foreigners, especially those whom, like me, were able to do work of higher standard and more quality than your countrymen.
You mean countrywomen.
And who told you your work was off a higher standard ? Did you pick more c0ckle5 than anyone else?
And if your country were so advanced why did you come here to work. I just hope you came here legally.
And none of your xenophobic arguments are going to help the OP. Whether you care to admit it or not, the reality of your country is what it is.
GREAT Britain you mean ? We owned most of the world once. Before the USA.
The OP would do well to find out actually what the hell is going on, who is this BF, and whether his parents know who is he having sex with and its legal consequences. He is a father and has to do whatever is necessary to protect her daughter. Because a young girl who is trying deception on him and hiding behind his back in order to have sex, at age 14, needs to be protected, if anything else, from the dangers of being so naive.
I have to agree with that......i hate it when THAT happens.
OP you have my deepest sympathies. I wouldnt bother talking to the ex. I would let the police talk to her. I hope you find a solution. | |
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