| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/1/2004 5:32:42 PM | | I was , or i should say am married and we were seperated for over two years we got back together for many reasons but most of all she convinced me that it would be best for the kids. i have been fathfull to her for many years and then as soon as we got back together i fell for someone else, since the i have done everthing to make things right with her but, i dont know if i made the right move, anyone go through anything like this? | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/1/2004 5:39:56 PM | | I think it would be best for the kids. my parents diviorsed and it was hell on me. i worried about the other when we were not with him. and not to mention all the wonderful people i got to met as they dated.. there was the beater who beat everyone, the drunk salior or so he thought he was a salior? there was the farmer that could only use the word co*k sucker, and the one that brang roches to visit...for the record i HATE ROCHES! they must all be destroyed! it might not be roses now but you never know what your going to get after either. i would say stick it out and try to come to an agreement to work things out. tuff yea i know. but in time you may even grow to love eachother again. | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/1/2004 6:39:19 PM | | dont do it just for the kids, cause what they will see will cause more problems then if you two was apart, if there is no hope of mending fences, then its best to be apart, kids arent as dumb as people think they are, they will see you unhappy, they will sense the tension, they will know things arent right....when they get older you know what they will tel you..."why did you stay, you got to be happy as well as us" , also if your not happy how you expect to make others happy? being in a unhappy thing will just make you get bitter as you get older....talk with the kids, i dont know their ages, but you can talk to them, and tell them in a gentle manner its not going to work etc...they might not be pleased bout the split, but eventually as they get older they will understand and realize staying together just for the kids isnt always the right choice. | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/1/2004 9:54:00 PM | I agree with Tarylsa1. Don't do it just for the kids and I don't think its good for them anyway. My parents divorce was for the best in my family. They split when I was about 7. While hard it was better not having to listen to them fight at 2 am. I don't ever remember wanting them to get back together.
If you don't stay together, do try to try to stay on speaking terms. May parent didn't talk and I was stuck as a go between. That was a no win situation and not one I have fond memories of. | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/1/2004 10:40:44 PM | I have to chime in here. I was married for 5 years. It was basically an event I never should have done, but after the realization, I tried to do and remain in an honorable situation. She had a kid already when we were married. He was, at the time, just shy of two years old. I fell in love with him quicker than I did his mother. Then about two years later, we had a kid. There were glimpses of a normalicy, but they never hung around very long. I could do no right, and all of my mistakes were never forgiven nor forgotten. I knew basically where it was heading, but wanted to stick around because of my kids. But it was growing far too evident that the "love" and trust and a whole cubic-sh*t-load of problems were beating us to the punch. I remember talking to my sister, asking the same d*mn question your posting here, and she said something that I will never forget. "Dont let your kids grow up thinking that is how happy people look and act and treat each other. Get out now, go find your happiness, and at least let them see dad be happy. Give them a chance to see what real happiness and what a real marriage looks like". That was the second largest factor I had in determining when I was going to have to cut my losses and walk away.
So if I could voice an opinion... NO... dont do it for the kids. Show them that there is more to a marriage than bickering, fighting, and resentment. Show them happy dad, not sacrificial dad. Best of luck man!! | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/2/2004 12:22:28 AM | Mine is somewhat similar too. I place absolutely no blame on my Ex, but as long as we were together, everybody, incl. the kids suffered. Apart, kids are better off with either parents - and no fingers to point either - it just had to be that way. Now I can even talk with my Ex again, which would have been next to impossible had we stayed together. In this particular scenario, everybody WON!
Real Happy Endings with a twist.
Good to hear yours worked out for the best too. Shit happens, and we just got to deal with it, irrespective as to what it is. But first and foremost, my decision was based on the well-being of the kids - that was and always will be priority #1 | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/2/2004 12:30:10 AM | | Exactly. So many times you hear in a divorce the "ME-ME-ME'S"... but what is failed to be taken into STRONG, albeit VITAL consideration... are the kids. They are these little lives that dont have choices. They cant stand before the attorneys or the judge and state their case. Its our responsibility to ensure their safety as well as mental and emotional health. I commend you and those who have suffered through a divorce or a separation, and considered the kids first and foremost when drawing a conclusion and arriving at a decision. My kids are my #1 priority in my life. I need them every bit, or more then they need me!!! | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/2/2004 12:43:29 AM | don't ever stay together for the kids. you will damage them in vast ways by staying together. they will think it is okay to be in a relationship that is loveless and where both people are unhappy.
my mom stayed with my dad for me and god i wish she hadnt. he was violent and manipulative, he raped her many times. they argued all the time. she finally left him when i was two becasue he sexually asaulted me to get back at her. i wish she had left him when she found out she was pregnant, the abuse never would have happened if she had left.
i am not saying that either you or your wife would physicaly abuse your children but i garantee that you are abusing them emotionally. they are likely to develop anxiety problems. they are likely to have failed relationships and marriages themselves. they are likely to be cheaters and manipulators. the only way i have made it is to do the opposite of everything my parents did. i am in counseling for the anxiety and scars from the abuse i suffered. staying together for the kids hurts rather than helps | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/2/2004 1:50:26 AM | | Never stay together for the kids. That is the worst form of abuse. Most of you brought in good two parent endings. Hardest decision I ever made was to tell my kids that daddy, who loves them dearly, is not going to live here anymore. I don't regret the decision. My ending is not as clean, though. Still the children would have suffered more and grown up believing that drugs are o.k. for them to abuse themselves. NO CHOICE for me. | |
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raven6
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Joined: 10/24/2004
Msg: 14 | |
| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/2/2004 5:13:15 PM | | hey was there and no its not good on the kids .was in that spot 2yrs ago and we were all misable the kids and my self ,it lasted 6 yrs and if you are not happy you are just making your self sick i know and i was not the nicest person to be around .now iam happy the kids are happy . but as to witch dont know the ages of your kids so thats hard to answer .the kids are toughfer and know more then they let on ,they might even feel that it is their fault why you are not happy , | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/2/2004 6:57:21 PM | | Don't stay together for the kids. I have been there. My ex and I were married for 3 years, and the last two and a half I overlooked things that should not have been overlooked simply because I wanted to keep my marriage together for my kids. I let him treat me like dirt, ignore us, cheat on me, and abuse me emotionally and physically all because I wanted to keep it together for my kids. It took me the past year to realize the harm I was doing my daughters. I don't want them to grow up thinking that is the way for a man to treat a woman just because they saw him doing it to me. I don't want them to see the misery our lives had become just to keep him in the picture as a dad. I wanted them to see the positive side of life, so I made some changes. I started school, left him, and hopefully showed my daughters that a woman does not need to stay in a loveless relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy. And, I will be honest, my kids are happier without him in our life. We laugh and play together, and I know that they know no matter what I am there. My oldest daughter told me that she had wanted us to leave for a long time. She thought it was her fault and she wanted to help sometimes, but didn't know what to do. A child is a child once. An unhappy marriage makes that child grow up a little quicker and assume responsibility for something that they really have nothing to do with. And if they see that that you are miserable and know that you are only with the father because of the kids ( and you can bet that they have heard it somewhere) they will blame themselves for your unhappiness. So, in the interest of keeping them children a little longer...don't stay just for the children, break free and find someone who will love you and your children. | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/2/2004 9:59:44 PM | Personally there is no way I could be with a man or be convinced to stay with a man if I was unhappy in the relationship. My unhappiness would effect my attitude sooner or later and I know my kids would sense it, making an unhappy home for all.
I surely would not try to convince a man to stay with me "for the childrens sake" . Using the children would really feel like a last ditch effort to hold onto a man that didn't want to be with me. A.K.A. FOUL! Kinda strikes me as a woman crying wolf about being "pregnant" to try to keep a man. But that's just my age talking, I more than likely would have answered this much differently when I was 20 years younger. (yes I was a teen mother lol)
Just being able to respect and treat each other well (parents) should be a good example for the children sake. Just because the parents don't live together doesn't mean that the "family" can't be whole and happy. But we all know this is far from a prefect world. | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/2/2004 10:10:25 PM | | I come from a divorced family and really believe that if there is no love, kids or not, there is a problem. Being raised in a family where there is no love, a child doesnt grow to know what a loving relationship is and from what Ive seen happen to others is that they tend to fall into the wrong types of relationships themselves. Yes, divorce is hard on everybody involved, but my thought is explain things to them like they're adults and make sure they know you love them. Thats the most important thing | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/3/2004 12:58:23 AM | | The more you look for another to solve the reason your unhappy the more unhappy your current relationship is going to be.. a new realtionship is not a slove all. a realtionship is an extention of the person that is already there. If your mind is on getting out, and that there is this wounderful person that is going to change the world waitng out side the door. then why are so many on a single sight looking? if your mind, attention , and focus in not on your own realtionship but instead on getting your needs met.. one, that is kind of shallow and self centerd. NOT to say you dont need your needs met. but that no wounder your needs are not met your mind is not on your realtionship. if your thinking about yourself all the time how can you make your partner happy as well? I know many things play a factor here. but your focus should be on the realtionship not on getting out.as for the kids i can only speak of my own experiance...neither parent did any better then before. and as a kid being uprooted and torn between two parents is ruff. it's not fun going to 2 differant familys for christmas. the kids cause problums in other realtionships also. just my thoughts. | |
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Ruby_
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Joined: 7/10/2004
Msg: 21 | |
| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/3/2004 12:05:55 PM | This is not a new delima. When I was a child my parents fought. My mother left once and to get her back my father told her he would put all of us children in an orphange if she didn't come home. I never looked at my father the same again even though I loved him. I wish my mother had left him. She was never really happy at home.
When people are forced to stay together because of the kids, the kids suffer, the adults suffer too. It is a decision that has to be made and I believe leaving a bad relationship is the lesser of the two evils. | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/3/2004 12:31:23 PM | Staying together for the kids?????? Are you kiddin, that is the worst thing a parent can do, Yeah stay with each other never let the kids know you dont love the other parent, good way to raise pyshcotic killers...No seriously though, If there is no love, and both of you know it then you must agree to be civil to each other for the children, but it is best to be away from the other parent and let them live...Staying in a loveless marriage is like slowly sufficating. And in time the kids will know that you two do not love each other, and come to see this as a normal relationship, thus messing up their love lives in the future...
Why do I say this??? I have seen families who stay together for the kids sake, I have dated a guy long ago who I could tell when I met his parents that there was NO LOVE, he thought its was normal, they [his folks] divorced shortly after he and i got together, and his brother was off at college...I watched it tear him up isnide, thinking how hurt and alone his mom would feel now that his father had left....Truth is she was happy with him gone shame is it took them 22yrs of staying together because of the kids, and making each other miserable....
Think about this, do you want your kids to grow up and have healthy loving relationships? Then you must take a stand now, let go of the past for the kids sake, and live life, and love them, teaching them that love is the most precious of GIFTS, and they are desreving of it too, if both parents work at loving these kids, then imagine how happy they will be in life...Divorce is always hardest on the children, but if it is a mutual choice on the part of both parents there will be no bloody battle for them to see...Only two loving caring people doing what is best for themselves and their children.
I wish you the best with this one... | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/3/2004 2:02:37 PM | | No. Depending on how old your children are, they know or will grow into knowing that your relationship with your husband/ their father/mother is not a happy one. The idea of staying together for the sake of the kids is a dangerous one. I have some friends of mine that have told me that when they (the children), finally left the nest the parents got a divorce shortly ater that. When The children (now adults) ask why? The parents say" We stayed together to make YOU happy. We didn't want you not to have a father or mother in the house." In response thy said " We knew all along you were having problems. yeah, you were quiet and everything seemed fine but we knew it wasen't".In the meantime the children are not stupid, they know whats going on in the family spoken about or not. it's kinda like how a mother has a mothers tuition, a child has tuition too. Do not underestimate your childs knowledge. They know more than you think. Another thing that is dangerous about that situation is that the children will think thats how the family life is supposed to be... need I expound on this? I think you know where I am going.Bottom line. It is not healthy and in the end the children will know. | |
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| If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids?
Posted: 11/4/2004 5:18:45 PM | I've been there done that and got the t-shirt. I was in a relationship for 13 years and it was not improving with age, I love my daughters, more than life itself, however I didn't want what was left of my relationship to go terribly sour and then have the children see the deterioration of the "relationship" their father & I had.
It's been 7 years and my daughters father & I are good friends. He's finally found someone and I am with Mac and the girls are probably 2 of the most well adjusted young women I know. We've stayed together as a family and made sure that we are strong as a family. We didn't need to "stay together" to make it work, it was better that we seperated.
I realize that not all relationships can end in friendship, but the end result is the same, never stay with someone just cause of the kids - it's going to wrong, terribly wrong. I watched my parents go through it - 8 years of therapy baby !
Kelly | |
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