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 thisisit11
Joined: 7/11/2010
Msg: 1
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5th date, how to put off sex?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Long story short:

Met a guy who took a looooooong time to call and ask me out. (have thread in relationship forum if you want that story)

Now we've had some dates but I am not ready to be physical because I don't trust/know his intentions.

What is in your opinion the best way to say that I like him but don't want to have sex until I feel comfortable, without sounding like a prude?
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 2
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 7:14:32 AM
What is in your opinion the best way to say that I like him but don't want to have sex until I feel comfortable, without sounding like a prude?



If he thinks you are a prude for not wanting sex after a few dates then he is not the man for you. I haven't read the other story but find some one you can trust who will be understanding that you want to get to know them more first.


Ok, I checked the relationship forum. Actually I had seen that story but it doesn't change my answer.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 3
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 7:37:19 AM
This is the guy that called you after a year? Who says you have to say anything, actions dictate not words, just dont put yourself in those situations where you are forced to do something you dont want to do.
If he asks lets go to your place or mine, you say not right now until you feel comfortable, and he throws a hissy fit, kick his ass to the curb.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 4
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 7:38:54 AM
Simple. Just don't invite him in after the date. Unless he is really stupid or desperate or in love with you, you should never have to deal with the issue again......

5 Dates.....give me a break.....
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 5
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 7:43:44 AM
From your other thread

* If we don't kiss soon, he'll go into the friendship zone and they usually don't come out of there
* Was at his place, 5th date and we fooled around. So we r good in that department.


First, you're bothered he hasn't kissed you
Then you are "fooling around"
Now you're bothered that he might want sex
Good Lord woman, relax!!
Just tell him you're not ready.......but I suggest you stop with the rollercoaster signals
you're putting out!
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 6
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 8:02:37 AM
have dates in public- meet him there- simple

simply tell him you're not having sex ( don't string him along by saying 'yet')
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 7
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 8:17:26 AM
What is in your opinion the best way to say that I like him but don't want to have sex until I feel comfortable, without sounding like a prude?

Well, first of all, I'm not sure why when to have sex ever needs discussion. If someone has to actually ask if you want to have sex, then I would think the answer is obvious. I've never had that discussion. It happens or it doesn't.

But, to answer your question, just tell him and let the chips fall where they may. Some guys will be okay with that, some guys won't. More than likely, I would have already checked out, but that's me. Second, you should never predicate having sex on knowing a guys intentions, Unless you have psychic powers, you're just guessing. You should only have sex if what you want is to have sex. That eliminates all of the game playing and you always make the right decision. If you don't want to have sex, don't. If you want to have sex, do it without regret. Don't try to use sex to bargain for something else.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 8
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 8:27:52 AM
I simply don't understand how and why people keep track of what date it is before they have sex!

When I decide to have sex with someone, it just happens and to be honest I've never kept track of what date it is - some have been quicker, some have been longer. Usually it flows naturally. If I'm keeping track of which date and not feeling comfortable? He's obviously not the guy for me. Now, even when a connection is made that doesn't mean sex happens right away, but there is definite fun leading up to it.

I used to worry somewhat that I might be having sex too soon a couple times, but honestly after meeting a really open-minded, fun guy I stopped worrying and did what felt good for me.
 bipolarintense
Joined: 1/28/2011
Msg: 9
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 8:46:30 AM
Tell him no.

If he doesn't accept that. Fuck him.

Honestly if he feels that he needs sex right away to have a relationship with you then he doesn't need you.

He just needs sex.
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 10
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 9:59:45 AM

Second, you should never predicate having sex on knowing a guys intentions, Unless you have psychic powers, you're just guessing. You should only have sex if what you want is to have sex. That eliminates all of the game playing and you always make the right decision. If you don't want to have sex, don't. If you want to have sex, do it without regret. Don't try to use sex to bargain for something else.


I am a girl and I agree with this. Do it when you feel comfortable doing so. If you feel pressured, he probably isn't the guy for you and if you want it then do it with no expectations of what their intentions or motives are. Women tend to make an imaginary relationship where there is none to justify having sex. I am not saying you should have sex with every man you bump into but if there is a reasonable connection there then you should explore if you are compatible with that person in that way as well as safely as possible.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 11
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 10:08:08 AM

Long story short:

Met a guy who took a looooooong time to call and ask me out. (have thread in relationship forum if you want that story)

Now we've had some dates but I am not ready to be physical because I don't trust/know his intentions.

What is in your opinion the best way to say that I like him but don't want to have sex until I feel comfortable, without sounding like a prude?

Simple ~ use your own words:

"I like him (change to You) but don't want to have sex until I feel comfortable.


 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 12
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 10:39:25 AM
oh my. is the meter running? has it come up for discussion? did he actually say to you, "when are we going to get down??" or... "why haven't you ridden me like a rented mule??" or did he take the subtle approach and merely hint at what he wanted by groping you or copping a feel?

if so, then see #11. either way, just don't say or do anything that would suggest you'd be willing to do something contrary to your actual plan. and refrain from doing stuff like reaching into his pants, or bending over in his presence. cuz that would be like tossing bacon in front of a rottweiler ya know.

i'm too lazy to psychoanalyze your other thread.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 13
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 10:57:09 AM
Guys I date tend to have that trait where they want me to be comfortable and want it, so they don't want sex unless I do - so it's kind of a wash. Guys who want sex whether I'm ready or not don't tend to be my type, so again - a wash.

If this guy is a match for you he either won't ask, or will understand. If he doesn't - take it as a sign of time not wasted.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 14
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 10:58:44 AM
I don't get how you can't tell by the third, let alone fifth date whether to trust, like, want a person.

If you can't tell by now, then you aren't paying attention to him which leads me to believe;
You're doing all the talking.
You're not interested enough to pay attention.
You're so desperate that you ignore the red flags.
You just want our "approval"...

I don't know which if any apply, but you should know byb the end of the firstor second date if you want to sleep with someone.... between emails, texts then meeting and phone calls in between dates you should've gotten to know them well enough already to know.
If you aren't interested by now... stop accepting dates from them!
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 15
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 11:34:27 AM
If he pushes for it, you tell him you are not ready yet.

When you are ready it will happen.

However, if you are doing some heavy duty making out, then you may be leading the man on.

So think about what you're doing first.
 recreator611
Joined: 1/29/2011
Msg: 16
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 1:08:49 PM
Sooooo...what are your intentions????...maybe you aught to just talk to him...after 5 dates I would think the both of you have some idea where your at...huuummm?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 17
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 2:38:03 PM
Last I checked most guys have as a primary intention to have sex with you. Some want to have sex and dump you, some want to have sex with you and develop a relationship that will evolve into a life long commitment.

So start by realizing that guys do not want to end up as JUST FRIENDS and they want to be INTIMATE with you.

So I am with those that indicated that if by the time you've had your 5th date, you do not trust this guy, or have any desire to be intimate with him, then it's time to cut your loses and move on.

Also I believe that the pursuit of intimacy is a two way street, not just the guy pushing. If went out with a woman that didn't seem to want to get intimate, I would very quickly cut it off because either there's no chemistry, interest, or desire. So I would not waste my time or hers.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 18
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 2:59:26 PM
You are dating boys then, not men!! A man will wait until you are ready, willing, wanting, and for many of us......asking to head down that path.....

Unfortunately for many, even some older men are sexually frustrated and caught in a time warp of being a teenager, and for that I am sorry!! You should only say yes or decide to head in that direction, when you are ready, and until then, if they do not get it.....get up and leave!!

cd........
 FunkTheMillenium
Joined: 7/11/2010
Msg: 19
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 3:29:41 PM
^^^^ maybe she should have already got up and left.

as mentioned above, if she is not into him and he is into her (or thats an example anyway) then maybe the two aren't meant to be together. one shouldn't be making all the effort and the other just sitting there.

i'd be gone if i was the guy and she wasn't showing no signs of mutual interest/effort.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 20
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 4:35:04 PM
you tell him that you arent comfortable having sex with him yet!!!

either he accepts it and works on getting to know you better or he kicks you to the curb and goes to find someone who is easy!!

If he does the latter then he isnt worth your time anyway
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 4:55:33 PM
Abelian and MsMicki are right. The real problem you have, is that YOU aren't deciding what YOU want in a relationship. You are instead worrying about various ways to RIG things, so that the guy will stick around, waiting for you to make up your mind.
Both here, and even more so in the other post to which you refer, you are not talking AT ALL about why you want this particular guy to be with you long term. Instead, you are focusing intense detailed scrutiny on strategic steps to take to manipulate and guide this, even though you don't have any idea where you want to guide it TO.
Basics:
Step 1, decide what you want out of life.
Step 2, decide how you want your primary relationship to contribute to that.
Step 3, look at the one you are "trying out," and decide if they seem like they might be "going your way."
Step 4, RELATE. Try them out. Have sex when YOU feel like having sex, and not when you think a magic time-table has been met.
Step 5, ACCEPT THE RISK. The best any of us can do, is to guess that things might go well with this or that person. This is why in particular, you should do as Abelian says, and decide about sex entirely for your own pleasure. If you have a good time, and things work out in the long run, you win: you had MORE sex, with someone you came to care about, than you would have if you had waited. If you have a good time, and things DON'T work out in the long run, you will have had that good time, AND, you will have learned what you needed in order to move on to someone with whom things MIGHT work out. It's win-win, in that sense, if you decide based on what YOU want, and not based on some esoteric schedule or mental scorecard.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 22
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 5:00:42 PM
If you can't tell by now, then you aren't paying attention to him which leads me to believe;

HUH? That's just silly. I was not only paying CLOSE attention, I fell head over heals in love with him probably by date 2. (And for all they nay-sayers, yes it can happen.)

You're doing all the talking.

Please!

You're not interested enough to pay attention.

Again ~ SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!

You're so desperate that you ignore the red flags.

If she's not paying attention, of course she's missed the red-flags. If she were desperate? She would have been naked long before now.

You just want our "approval"...

She wanted opinions.

(So if I get this? You're saying that the main reason we don't have sex by date 3 is because we don't pay attention because we're talking too much. If we'd shut up by date three, we'd get naked. Who thinks like that? That's bizarre, at best.)

JMO
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 23
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 5:44:26 PM
^^^^^^^^ Read my post AGAIN! I said those where possible reasons and I didn't know which IF any APPLIED!

FACT is.... by date 5 she should KNOW what she wants and if she can trust him! If she can't tell then something wrong!
 inthroughtheoutdoor
Joined: 1/1/2011
Msg: 24
5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 6:24:08 PM

What is in your opinion the best way to say that I like him but don't want to have sex until I feel comfortable, without sounding like a prude?


You say it just like you did here ... OP, it has been my experience that when to become intimate with someone is not an issue when the two of you are compatible. This whole when what where why when it comes to sex escapes me...do it or don't do it because you want or don't want to. Never mind what others do or what the books say...if you have sex only because you want to, it can never be for the wrong reasons or the wrong time.
 thisisit11
Joined: 7/11/2010
Msg: 25
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5th date, how to put off sex?
Posted: 2/4/2011 7:15:48 PM
How can u know if you can trust someone after 5 dates??!!?! Some people are married and find out their so is not trust worthy much less in a dating scenario where one is on ones best behavior.

I don't think I am playing games. I don't think it is outrageous to expect to kiss if it feels right and within 6 dates, yes there is no set timeline but still...a kiss is just a kiss

My question was not about the right time to have sex but more how to say no and y not without sounding like a prude. I usually go with my gut but in this case I am stumped. Time will tell...

Thank u for the replies+ greeneyes that was a funny response!
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