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A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the manPage 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
When I was in my 20's my mother told me that
"A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man".

I thought this an odd thing to say, and dismissed it as my mother's thinking is somewhat skewed as she was a wartime victim.

About 3 years ago I met with one of my mom's oldest and dearest friends. During our conversation on marriages and why they last, she stated "A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man".

I remembered that my mother told me this, and discussed with her why she felt that way, and was it something that was taught to them as children by their generation?

Well, yesterday my ex-husband was dropping off our son, and we ended up having a very good conversation on relationships. He is presently living with a woman I know. I thought were perfect for one another. Unfortunately, it is not working out. During the conversation he told me of the lessons he has learned. I smiled and accepted his apology. It's amazing that you have to loose something before you realize that what you had was really what you wanted.

Then he said "In a relationship is seems that one loves the other one more, and it doesn't work out"

I laughed and said, "Well then, I must have loved you more then you loved me", and his reply was "We both loved the same same person ... me!" When I asked him how it ended up that way, he stated the baggage that he brought from his first marriage made it difficult for him to love with all his heart.

That's so sad, as we were together for 20 years.

This relationship started out with him doing all the chasing. Yet in time, it was me who ended up with a heartful of love to give a man, who could accept it.

Do you think that there is some validity to what my mother told me?
 _Iconoclast_
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 2
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A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 10:23:59 AM
So how do you measure amounts of love? Is there a special ruler of some kind? Can I use my kitchen measuring cups?
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 3
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 10:32:23 AM
I think in every relationship, one person always has stronger feelings for the other. Whichever one it is, one of them always needs the other one more.

I hate when someone says they have been hurt so bad that they can't "love" with all their heart. Its a bs excuse in my opinion. We've all been hurt, we've all been battered and bruised and torn apart. Some of us are just better at moving on than others.. and some of us would rather stay stuck in the past and hold onto the pain others have caused us.

Do I think the man should always be the one to have stronger feelings? I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel smothered in a relationship where the other person is holding onto me too tightly. And then the reversal is the man feeling smothered.

I think its best to find a healthy amount of love for each other, and not to be so dependant on one another.

My last boyfriend wanted someone who needed him. I didn't need him.. I wanted him, but I didn't need him and thats why we would never have worked longer than we did. He told me that he's now dating a girl who he feels like she really needs him.. and I'm happy for him, and I hope it works because thats obviously what he needs in a relationship. Do I need someone? No way, I'll never be dependant upon someone else for my emotional survival.

I think I went off course in most of this... but you get my point hopefully.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 4
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 10:37:54 AM
I'm not sure about this one.

When it comes down to marriage, and relationships, I always thought couples that were truly in love, loved one another equally.

I was told the opposite, actually and that was if we love someone more than that person loves us, then it is not a good sign.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 5
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 10:39:03 AM
I believe that this type of thinking is left over from times when women literally needed men.Now we don't need a man to survive,to feed ourselves and our children and to pay the bills.The idea that the man should love us more then we love him came about because if a man loved us that much then he would not abandon us to starve and live in poverty.
 Gashlycrumb_Briny
Joined: 9/26/2010
Msg: 6
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 11:16:34 AM
^^^Agreed that this is the sort of aphorism that sprouts from a society where there were precious few respectable roles for women that aren't defined by her relationship to a man (e.g. Mrs. Husband's First Name Husband's Last Name).

And yes, how do you quantify this love?
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 7
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 11:20:00 AM
I think a man has to lust for the woman more than the woman lusts for the man. I am not sure about the measure of love and the success rate. Lust keeps them chasing and keeps them coming back over and over and over. That I have proof of.

Love??? hmmmm.. That's another story.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 8
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 12:25:05 PM
A man usually lusts more and tries to "make love" more than a woman lusts and tries to "make love" to a man. Women usually try harder to make good "service", i.e. food and comfort to men, whereas men simply try to put money in the bank, then sit down and say "I'm done."

I don't see any lessons here, just some annecdotes about some people who got along for a while and then didn't. Pretty common.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 9
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 12:41:05 PM
"A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man"


A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man, or he may not stick around long..
Basic evolutionary instincts apply.. Despite our claims to higher levels of consciousness...

Everyones experience of love evolves over time and as a particular relationship matures.. We can never see through the other's eyes so we can't know exactly what they feel,
or how it changes unless they are very great communicators..

Since we can't know our partners moment-to moment feelings as fragile as those can be, lasting relationships essentially depend on ones character and how much we value any expressed or assumed commitments to the other..

More reasons why finding and maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second greatest challenge of life..
It requires becoming somewhat vulnerable to another imperfect humans ephemeral feelings such as your own... S
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 1:01:48 PM

When it comes down to marriage, and relationships, I always thought couples that were truly in love, loved one another equally.

I was told the opposite, actually and that was if we love someone more than that person loves us, then it is not a good sign. ... RushLuv


This is what I thought.


I believe that this type of thinking is left over from times when women literally needed men.Now we don't need a man to survive,to feed ourselves and our children and to pay the bills.The idea that the man should love us more then we love him came about because if a man loved us that much then he would not abandon us to starve and live in poverty. ...Ray


Agreed. That would make sense as to why they thought that way.

My mothers friends explanation was that a woman could "learn to love a man" (any man), providing he could take care of her and his family.


I think in every relationship, one person always has stronger feelings for the other. Whichever one it is, one of them always needs the other one more. ... foreverstacey


So that need could be for many different things?


A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man, or he may not stick around long..
Basic evolutionary instincts apply.. Despite our claims to higher levels of consciousness...


Therefore in my past relationship (as I have been informed) I loved my husband more. Yet when it came down to needs, he needed me to take care of the everyday happenings within the family (as he was ADD, and really struggled with day to day functioning). Different needs obviously. Seems like that traveled down the road of co-dependency and blew up. That's why I found it odd that he stated I loved him more. I had to laugh at the selfishness of the statement, as it did make sense to me. TALL-IQ2


Then Tall-iq2, am I to understand that you find this statement to be true?
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 1:02:02 PM

When it comes down to marriage, and relationships, I always thought couples that were truly in love, loved one another equally.

I was told the opposite, actually and that was if we love someone more than that person loves us, then it is not a good sign. ... RushLuv


This is what I thought.



I believe that this type of thinking is left over from times when women literally needed men.Now we don't need a man to survive,to feed ourselves and our children and to pay the bills.The idea that the man should love us more then we love him came about because if a man loved us that much then he would not abandon us to starve and live in poverty. ...Ray


Agreed. That would make sense as to why they thought that way.

My mothers friends explanation was that a woman could "learn to love a man" (any man), providing he could take care of her and his family.



I think in every relationship, one person always has stronger feelings for the other. Whichever one it is, one of them always needs the other one more. ... foreverstacey


So that need could be for many different things?
Therefore in my past relationship (as I have been informed) I loved my husband more. Yet when it came down to needs, he needed me to take care of the everyday happenings within the family (as he was ADD, and really struggled with day to day functioning). Different needs obviously. Seems like that traveled down the road of co-dependency and blew up. That's why I found it odd that he stated I loved him more. I had to laugh at the selfishness of the statement, as it did make sense to me.


A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man, or he may not stick around long..
Basic evolutionary instincts apply.. Despite our claims to higher levels of consciousness...


Then Tall-iq2, am I to understand that you find this statement to be true?
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 12
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A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 1:05:59 PM

Do you think that there is some validity to what my mother told me?

Not even close to something I would believe. I do believe the person that loves the most has the most to lose ~ should they not equally love one another. The harsh reality? There will NEVER be a day when romantic love is equal between two parties. One day I love him more, the next he loves me more. That is what gets you through times of waxing and waning love. Love always ebbs and flows. That simple reality. And no, I doubt men need to love women more, if that were the case? There wouldn't be so many women complaining that they aren't loved enough. Now whether or not they've been loved as they would like to be loved is an entirely different topic. JMO
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 13
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A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 1:06:27 PM

Agreed that this is the sort of aphorism that sprouts from a society where there were precious few respectable roles for women that aren't defined by her relationship to a man (e.g. Mrs. Husband's First Name Husband's Last Name).


Like Islam?
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 14
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 1:14:31 PM
OP- here's the old addage:

a man chases a woman till she catches him....then she doesn't let go.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 15
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 1:44:09 PM
There will NEVER be a day when romantic love is equal between two parties. One day I love him more, the next he loves me more. That is what gets you through times of waxing and waning love. Love always ebbs and flows. That simple reality


Ones character is what gets you through the waning periods.. There needs to be hope of a likely waxing coming along before the flame dies out completely..

The partner that has the most options needs to have the strongest character or to love the other enough that all those available options are never exercised (or discovered)... S
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 16
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A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 2:01:38 PM

I believe that this type of thinking is left over from times when women literally needed men.Now we don't need a man to survive,to feed ourselves and our children and to pay the bills.The idea that the man should love us more then we love him came about because if a man loved us that much then he would not abandon us to starve and live in poverty.

+1

I heard this growing up too from older female relatives, including my mom. She once asked me was I planning on working my whole life. I had no idea what she was talking about and asked what she meant. She thought I'd work until I got married. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard in regards to myself, and had to ask her if we'd met. But this is the mindset she grew up with and I guess just assumed one day that's what I'd do. Kinda funny.

I DO believe that in all relationships love isn't always exactly equal...meaning it's generally even, but one or the other person loves more or less depending on what's going on in the relationship over a long time period...I think that both partners at some point love the other more at least once in being together. I also believe that in times where one isn't as in love, the other is more in love, and then it swings the other way, much like a pendulum.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 2:25:41 PM
I'm confused about this idea, because it is so dependent upon what people mean by love, and, as has been mentioned well right out of the chute, by how in the WORLD one measures this indefinable thing.
I agree that the statement issued by more than one woman from another generation, was probably bandied about BY that generation as a romanticization of what ever unsettled couples back then. That is suggested simply by the fact that more than one source independently quoted it.
I can see from a basic logical standpoint, that as peoples desires fluctuate, that in order for them to be willing to stay together, each or both must opt to TOLERATE the changes. That's just mathematics, though. If neither tolerates changes, the relationship WILL end.
But the notion that there is a universal, or even a general tendency in humans such that one particular sex needs to be the tolerant one, strikes me as being either complete balderdash, or as being due to local cultural pressures.
I have heard that some cultures expect the men to philander, while the women remain faithful, and some cultures where both members of a couple are expected to remain faithful, and to stand by each other (as in the most common Christian marriage vows). But again, those situations have nothing to do with a general notion of a sex-linked requirement.
Now where again, are these "love measuring" devices, and how do they work exactly?
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 1/4/2011
Msg: 18
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 2:36:35 PM
What a crock~ emotions are our own and cant be proven kinda like faith.
Either you do or you dont.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 19
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 2:44:07 PM
This may have been somewhat valid in the past when women were more dependant on men.

I'd almost say it's reversed in our culture ( N. American) by now , but ...

...IMO both genders, or partners I guess I should say, need to have ENOUGH love for the other in order to be WILLING to endure any rough patches, challenges, or whatever that may come along.

Otherwise ?

The one lacking enough love won't consider it worth it to hang in there ,and so, will inevitably bail.
 thisisit11
Joined: 7/11/2010
Msg: 20
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A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 2:53:29 PM
I dated a man who's grandfather had told him that he should marry a woman that loves him a lot more then he loves her. He was the most immature and emotionally selfish bf I've ever had.

I think the point of the advice is a matter of power. The one loving more or having more to lose in theory and thus being more controllable then some else with a take him or leave him attitude
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 21
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 3:05:57 PM

Not even close to something I would believe


Ditto! I think all aspects of relationships are give and take. It's almost impossible for them to be on equal term all the time. Love shifts from time to time with both parties, on days I leave the toilet seat up, she might love me alot less than I love her. On days she is bugging me while I'm trying to watch a football game or something, she will most likely love me more than I love her. The trick is to make it all even out in the end, if you can do that, everything will be just fine.
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 3:09:48 PM
Igor ...


Now where again, are these "love measuring" devices, and how do they work exactly?


Wouldn't it be great if there was some SMART method we could use as measurement,

Specific
Measurable
Agreed upon
Realistic
Time-based

Man, that would make all of this so much easier!
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 23
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A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 3:19:36 PM

also believe that in times where one isn't as in love, the other is more in love, and then it swings the other way, much like a pendulum.


I agree with that as far as passionate love. So many different things can affect how much passion you feel for someone that it's bound to vary from time to time. And I don't think one of you necessarily feels more of it when the other feels less. You may drift apart a little for a time, or feel closer.

But there's are some sides to love, I think, that are constant. They're more about dedication. If you truly love someone, you put them first, always. You're no less willing to do that when they're not feeling or looking, or even acting, their best, or when it inconveniences--even hurts--you more. I don't know how a woman could really love a man, if she didn't know she could always count on him when the chips were down.
 V3ctra
Joined: 11/24/2010
Msg: 24
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A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 3:21:22 PM

I believe that this type of thinking is left over from times when women literally needed men.Now we don't need a man to survive,to feed ourselves and our children and to pay the bills.


Women were once their fathers property untill they got married. Then they became property of their husbands. Any children were also property of the husbands. Anything the woman owned or inherited was property of the husbands even after his death.Rape was allowed in marriage and a man could divorce his wife for adultery but a wife could not divorce her husband for same. Fathers allways kept the children or if they wished. Sold them. A husband would be responsible for any debts incurred or crimes commited by their wifes .




The idea that the man should love us more then we love him came about because if a man loved us that much then he would not abandon us to starve and live in poverty.


Agreed. It would make sense for the woman to hope the man love, need or at least like them. Their lives depended on it.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 25
A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man
Posted: 2/6/2011 3:22:38 PM
"Do you think that there is some validity to what my mother told me?"

Your mother never read the forums
if she had
she would have said something completely different to you

She would know that nowdays
men want low maintenance women,
so low maintenance
she should jump for joy when hearing from her man things like :
"You are better than nothing"
"I will hang out with you for a little while"
"I think I want to marry you" (Of course she should NOT expect to see a ring, otherwise she is a pain and a goldigger)
Must at ALL times pay for half of everything

There is room for one high maintenance person only in the relationship
and if your mother had access to the forums she would know in most cases
is NOT the woman

So, maybe when she was young that was her reality
but not today
when a woman who marries a guy and expects to go on a honeymoon
with him and the mother in law tags along and she the wife gets called a "whore and a goldigger" just because she does go on the trip, you KNOW the men are not loving women more than the women are loving the men.
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