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 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 1
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I was channel surfing and landed on the Tyra Banks show, the only reason I stopped was because her guest was Steve Harvey, a guy I happen to think is very funny. But Steve was not on the show for comedy, it seems Steve had just written a book on dating/relationship aimed at women, from a man's point of view. I guess he found out how much money that other guy made after writing that book "He is just not that into you".

Anyway this woman stood up and asked him the question " What can I do to stop getting dumped all the time?" or something along those lines. His response was that she needed to stop lowering her standards and learn to better stick to her guns. He said that women tend to lower their standards after meeting a man they like, out of fear of running the guy off. With this fear the women will then take a more go with the flow attitude. Most guys will pick up on this (Like a dog smelling fear on the mailman) and start to treat them anyway they like, because they know they can get away with it. The end result is the guy gets bored with treating her like a doormat, and will usually move on.

When I first heard this my first thought was " Yea right". But then I started thinking about a lot of threads I come across by some women in the forums, and I have to wonder. Is there alot of truth in what Steve the comedian, now relationship/dating specialist said? Thoughts.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 2
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 4:19:58 AM
true in some cases.
happened to me...but i wont do it again.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 3
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 5:37:50 AM
He said that women tend to lower their standards after meeting a man they like, out of fear of running the guy off.

some of us grow weary of telling women to quit defining themselves in terms of whether or not they have a man in their life, but it needs to be repeated like a mantra. in a loud monotone. at the top of every hour. it's a thankless task to be performed mostly before an audience of blank stares and ingrates, but sadly, it's what's necessary to break the spell of at least 18 years of insipid Disney-esque mind control and Madison Ave. propaganda.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 4
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 5:41:07 AM
I think it may happen with those with insecurities or low self esteem; perhaps with younger women or those who haven't dated much. We live and learn.
I know men and women who have both been in dating relationships where they seem to stay simply because they feel it's better than not having anyone to date- they like the person but they know that there are things about the person that signal issues and future problems but they will stay in it and not address these issues, etc. Or- address the issues and stay in it even when the issues aren't dealt with once addressed.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 5
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 5:49:00 AM
You know that is not Steve Harvey's first book ... right? He's also wrote, "Act like a lady, Think like a man".

Do I think women lower their standards after meeting a man they like, out of fear of running the guy off?

I guess I would need the term "standards" defined.

I understand them to be my morals, values, of which I will not lower. Those are ingrained in my being. They make me who I am. If I devalue them, then I am nothing.

Standards such as my habits, yes I agree those do lower as time progresses.

Do I lower them out of fear of running the guy off? That’s something to think about.

What do you qualify as a relationship?

If this is someone you first meet, and already you are willing to compromise your morals, then you have some serious issues, and yes the man will step all over you.

If this is a man who I meet, feel there is a possibility for a future, I will still stand by my morals, however, I do become lax on my habits.

For example, someone not calling when they say they will call.

Many will get their knickers in a knot over this, as they have defined their boundaries, and calling ON TIME, when someone says they will, can become an issue. For me, I look a little deeper and find out why this is difficult for the person to accomplish.

Possibly they have a lot of work on their plate, and their mind does not register that they agreed to call. Or they have ADD (as in my second husband), and they forget because something else has captivated their attention. This is where I allow flexibility. This is not done for fear of running the guy off, it is done because that is in my nature to be understanding.

I feel that others deserve the benefit of the doubt, especially when a relationship is forming.

So yes, my habits do become lax as the relationship forms, however not out of fear of running him off.
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 6
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 6:16:50 AM
I'm sure some women do. I don't think its necessarily a bad thing, because in relationships there will always be some compromises. Its just a matter of which ones need to be adjusted.
 Baldy8
Joined: 1/5/2011
Msg: 7
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 6:26:11 AM
I think that mostly applies to women with low self esteem or maybe the younger generation women who haven't had many relationship experiences. I have seen many men lower there standards as well so I would say it applies to both genders.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 8
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 6:28:53 AM
I think a lot of woman that we see here perplexed on the Forums have gotten involved with a man to soon before they even know his code of ethics.
I think the fear has more to do with saving face than with running the guy off.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 9
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Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 7:01:52 AM
I'd have to agree to some extent, many of my friend's lousy relationships have been based upon constantly adjusting their needs in order to have a steady BF or GF.

Although if you love someone you can overlook certain minor flaws (like not thinking my jokes are funny) my marriage however was a study in contradictions. After 20 years he basically embodied everything I always said I did NOT want in a relationship or partner. In the beginning I was young and inexperienced and turned a blind eye in order to stay together, after a while it became routine. I definitely suffered from low self esteem at the time and so did he. And I am certain I was, or am exactly what he never wanted too.

Sticking to your guns and never conceding for love sounds like a positive idea.
 ferfoxache
Joined: 2/4/2011
Msg: 10
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 7:33:48 AM

Is there alot of truth in what Steve the comedian, now relationship/dating specialist said?

Yes.
But that "truth" has been around a while.
He just came up with another way to cash in...err...of saying "don't settle" and "don't ignore red flags" and "don't be a doormat" and "trust your gut" and "take responsibility for your self, your own desires, and your own self worth."
Or in a more complex sense "don't try to be something you are not to get someone to like you, and don't think they will stick around when you try and revert to your normal self and you expect them to reciprocate in giving you what you want."
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 11
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Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 8:45:59 AM
People in general will accept things about other people because they get a tingle between the legs.

I find the hotter someone is for someone, the more crap they are willing to put up with from that someone.
 coffeeteaorme123456
Joined: 10/21/2010
Msg: 12
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 13
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Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 9:43:04 AM
I agree with femaleconnection as well.

I think both genders are sometimes willing to "lower their standards", ie tolerate
stuff they wouldn't normally like to tolerate if they find the person appealing in
other ways. That would explain why some guys marry the hot party girls that all
his friends find attractive and then divorce them because they are party girls that
find all his friends attractive...or the woman that marries a guy because he has a
great job and lots of money and then divorces him because his job takes up most
of his life and he has no time for her.

What usually happens in this case (I think) is that the blush/lust/initial attraction
wears off and the annoying deal breakers rear their ugly head. I think sometimes
we hold onto people long after we should have let go, not sure if it's fear that makes
us hang on, maybe it's just apathy until something better comes along.

I don't think it's gender related though.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 14
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 10:36:44 AM
What usually happens in this case (I think) is that the blush/lust/initial attraction
wears off and the annoying deal breakers rear their ugly head.


Fortunately, I've seen the "ugly head" before the marriage part.

Unfortunately, women wonder " what's wrong with me " because I've never been married.

Almost makes me wonder if I'd have been better off to have gotten married/divorced in order to seem more "normal"





 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 15
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Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 10:37:04 AM
Now now...

I'd be a lifelong dateless man in my 30s if women didn't lower their standards to date me.

I don't even think I'm jesting there. I've been like the "exception" to almost every woman's dating rules that I've dated. If they did one of those Sesame Street "one of these things is not like the other" puzzles with my former dates' dating history, I would stand out like a sore thumb with each one of them.

But that said, almost none of them decided to make an exception for me upon looking at me (obviously). It took MONTHS for me to grow on some of them. So I don't necessarily agree that it's always an infatuation factor. Or even if it's a guy's game (because I have none). Hell, as I've said before, I haven't the foggiest idea why some women decided to go completely out of their comfort zone and date me, other than possibly being in an experimental mood. But that doesn't change the fact that some guys (who aren't necessarily "bad guys") need women to lower their standards every now and then or else, well, there will be mass datelessness.

"I find the hotter someone is for someone, the more crap they are willing to put up with from that someone."

Isn't that just the "hot-to-crazy ratio," but more specific than general? Although some may say this isn't gender-related, I don't see this rearing its ugly head among women so much, particularly not women my age and up -- they're usually beyond this nonsense, or are hopeless (not much in between).

But men? God yes. My supposedly most attractive male friend (with a MILLION awesome options throwing themselves at him) stayed in a relationship with an absolute psycho for several years, almost entirely because she was one of the hottest women on the planet. Of course, the real kicker here is: nearly all of his male friends (including me) would have traded places with him in a second -- despite the fact that we had an outsiders' perspective that she was scarily crazy! But some years ago I got some interest from a couple of women who were also obviously crazy, but not anywhere near that attractive, and after a while, I got tired of dealing with them and stopped going out of my way to try to make it work. Women who aren't all that attractive can't be very crazy and have it work out for them in the long term, but if you're supermodel hot, then by all means, get all the Arkham crazy you want.

"Almost makes me wonder if I'd have been better off to have gotten married/divorced in order to seem more 'normal'"

There's an interesting thread about that in the 30+ forum. It's actually kind of puzzling how many women seem to think it's better to be married-and-divorced than never married at all...
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 16
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 10:43:35 AM
There's an interesting thread about that in the 30+ forum. It's actually kind of puzzling how many women seem to think it's better to be married-and-divorced than never married at all...


Yeah, it's like being penalized for either :

A) having enough sense not to marry someone if you have doubts that it could last
B)not being lucky enough to meet the right person

They just ASSUME it's because you're invalid or something.

But, gotta keep the chin up and if it's meant to be and all that jazz...
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 2:29:10 PM
Femaleconnection got it right yet again. EVERYBODY " lowers their standards" after they start investing in someone, because no one out there is perfect. We HAVE to lower our standards just to keep from killing everyone we meet, for goodness sake.
The tricky part seems to be figuring out what you CAN get away with dropping from your personal list of desires, and what you can't. That's a matter of self-knowledge, which usually only comes through painful experimentation. You don't need a book for that, you need time on the front lines (of dating/relating).
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 18
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 2:55:01 PM
Female connection..again ditto but I see more men letting down their "standards" than women after 40 IRL.

Is this the Steve Harvey that cheated on his first wife of 16 years with his new wife??

Guess he would know how to keep a man
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 19
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 2:55:53 PM

EVERYBODY " lowers their standards"


I think lowering standards is not the right words. I think of it more as guidelines rather then hard set rules. You can choose to modify your standards without having to lower them. It all depends on the person.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
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Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 4:26:48 PM
Some women do, yes. I see women give up their friends, their hobbies, and things that when they are single they claim be adamant about as their personal tradition, and some men do this too. I don't think it's gender related, but I can see why Steve Harvey is gearing it towards women - they are his audience.

I feel that compromise is imporant, but when you give too much of yourself to be loved - you put yourself at risk to be disrespected. Sure, the new person in your life matters, but it shouldn't mean you no longer do. Like most threads out there, the answer here is balance. Respect yourself AND the person you're dating. In no way should you have to choose between those two.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 21
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Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 5:13:04 PM

We HAVE to lower our standards just to keep from killing everyone we meet, for goodness sake.


I wish somebody had told me this 40 freaking years ago. Would have saved my a lot of lawyer bills.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 22
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/8/2011 9:49:17 PM
Frankly, I'm lowering shyt to keep a man!!
If they don't like me for who I am, so be it. They can keep right on going!
I also don't want a man that is willing to do that either! I've seen that a few times, what a turn OFF!
I concur with those that said low self-esteem has a lot to do with it.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 23
Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/9/2011 3:34:48 AM

Is there alot of truth in what Steve the comedian, now relationship/dating specialist said?


I'm not an "expert" on anything romantic, but I can imagine this to be true. I mean for example, you let people you "like" get away with murder while people you can't stand you can't wait to get rid of them. For instances say you are cracking jokes with a buddy and he says something derogatory about your mother and you all laugh it off, now substitute it with someone you disgust, that same 'joke" is fighting words. People you like get "leeway". People you don't not so much. I imagine this goes along with romantic and business relationships as well.
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 24
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Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/9/2011 10:12:21 AM
I am wondering if it has to do with his book "Act like a Lady, Think like a man" because I have that book and read it. I felt honestly that Steve Harvey wrote with a lot of common sense thought. Plus it was humorous to boot... I think women do settle into a relationship and I also think men do at times. Perhaps its what is going on prior to that. For women usually it happens right after being involved with the ever elusive BAD BOY... that you meet Mr. Nice guy who has everything going for him that any woman SHOULD want but doesn't feel for him... maybe its her addiction to Mr Bad boy, maybe its just timing for the should be the right guy... but we cannot force ourselves to Love feel attraction to someone we don't share those feelings with... SO what happens the guy in this situation feels it too and walks away... and rightfully so... life is too short to waste it on someone who just isn't that into you...
 _Iconoclast_
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 25
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Women usually lower their standards AFTER meeting a guy they like out of fear of running him off?
Posted: 2/9/2011 10:28:19 AM
I tend to think that the absolute OPPOSITE is true.

I expect more from a man that I am involved with. The more I have invested, the bigger the stakes are.

I will blow off something casual, but if it's getting intimate, the expectations are MUCH, MUCH higher.
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