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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 completed
Joined: 9/26/2010
Msg: 1
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into youPage 1 of 1    
I posted more specifically the other day and got contradicting responses – all very helpful though. Thank you :-). This gives rise to another question though:

Guys: If you have or can imagine you’ve been burnt badly in the past, not been with a woman for a while and identify yourself as pretty gun shy. You meet a girl that stimulates your interest and who you feel a strong connection with. You hook up (not had sex) and hang out a bit. You then travel away for a couple of months but keep casually communicating (ph/text). You return, catch up with her and sleep with a girl for the first time (possibly a bit prematurely). You then go AWOL and don’t respond to a simple ‘light’ text message. All this after professing your attraction and desire to get more involved (seemingly genuinely)

Do you s that the so called ‘rubber band’ effect or more likely you’ve realised you just aren’t that interested after all

Depending on your thoughts: how’s a female (obviously feeling pretty crappy about it all now) best to respond?


 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 2
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 8:19:19 PM
Two possibilities.

1) Could be he wasn't as into you as you are into him.
and whether or not sex broke out has nothing to do with it.
but since it did,
best to know sooner than later.

2) He's busy...gunshy...a dating dweeb.
So gonna be trouble no matter what.


My advice.
Don't make excuses for a guy.
Date the way you expect to be treated
and if a guy doesn't do you that way, then he's not for you.

However he is in the clear until you speak up as to what you expect.
We're just guys, not mind readers.
 ferfoxache
Joined: 2/4/2011
Msg: 3
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 8:26:02 PM
Not really a lot of relevant information or context to go on.

I mean

you've been burnt badly in the past

It depends on if I have been burnt in the past, and you learned that from anything but me vs. me actually using that BS line "I've been hurt before..." which is just to predefine the relationship or exit strategy, so at some point when you are expecting or behaving like I've committed I can point to it and say "See? I can act like an a-hole, I told you I was hurt in the past, I can't get over the past. So you should feel sorry for me and accept that I can act like an ahole without consequence. I warned you."


You meet a girl that stimulates your interest and who you feel a strong connection with.

Again, there is a difference between stimulating my interest and stimulating my ability to nail her. If it's something I've said, or something you learn from anything but what I've said
If I say something like "I feel a strong connection" or "there's a strong connection here" then that's another BS line.
So basically "I've been hurt before, but there's a strong connection here" = "I want to have sex with you, tell you what you want to hear, but it's going to be short term at best, and me being hurt before is why..."


Do you s that the so called ‘rubber band’ effect or more likely you’ve realised you just aren’t that interested after all

Actually all that = "I had a couple of chicks on the line. This one put out, so start ignoring the other one, I gave her the game, but she didn't respond according to my timetable, so time to expend the wasted energy and game on the sure thing."


how’s a female (obviously feeling pretty crappy about it all now) best to respond?

Since I'm the guy in this little hypothetical scenario the best way for a female to respond, based on my behavior and what I am doing, from my perspective is to simply text me and offer me head or something.
Or do you mean best for you to communicate how you are feeling, and some verbal retribution?
Then the best response is to simply ignore the guy forever. Because if you keep the door open, you are simply opening yourself up to being used.
 completed
Joined: 9/26/2010
Msg: 4
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 8:28:19 PM
Thanks again stray__cat!

.... So, if the girl was in danger of being potentially perceived as 'too easy' (by having sex the 2nd time you hooked up) - if you really, genuinely liked her that wouldn't put you off?

I'm going to leave it for a week or two then drop him an email (he made friends w me on f'book but that was the same day).... I feel totally crappy. I know not to do that (have sex to soon) and the emotional predicament it puts me in - let alone how it comes across to a guy. I want to let him now I misjudged the situation, got caught up in the perceived 'connection' and feel like I made a mistake - in hindsight

Ops! About to blow my 'hypothetical' cover!!

:-)



 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 5
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 8:39:31 PM
If he isn't responding then, it is time for you to see what he's telling you and, move on.

If you're feeling pretty bad then, you should at least know that you've entered into this knowing that these things happen. So what do you do? Since he's given you a clear message, it will be a lost of time to send him yet another message. So you should chalk it up to experience and move on.

If you insist on sending him a message, you should thank him for gettimh to know him and see that his interest lies elsewhere and, wish him luck!
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 6
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 8:42:19 PM
OP- some guys will pull back after having sex with you the first time and let you chase them.

or he will pull away cuz he had you and doesn't want you.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 7
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 8:50:59 PM
As for me, no it wouldn't.
Other guys would have other opinions.

so we can't really give good advice as to what's
going on with him.

Only on what you should do.
and that would be what you are gonna do.
(dropping him a note in a few days.)

I never liked the term easy.
Cus here in the guy team we encourage women to go for what yall want.
I think it may be he doesn't know how you feel about it(him).
sex after a coin toss and he may just think it was just casual for you.
so no need for him to get worked up over it.
or text or anything.

It be kindof lame after a casual thing.
A woman may think the guy is getting clingy.
So we tend to just consider ourselves lucky and not make a big deal out of it.

There is no way around putting your feelings out there...
if you're feeling them.
If you don't speak up for what is important for you,
then the guy is not at fault....for not getting that.

Give him a few days and start back at square one.
but if he's not interested, you're just racking your brains now for nuthin.

Nothing you did or might not have done....
would have changed that.
Just rules of attraction.




 Cool_November
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 8
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 9:00:00 PM
some guys get burnt and gun shy and all that and go a long time with out it but all they really wana do is get laid and put things behind them.he goes out for some strange but cant get any.Then along comes a girl like you.A nice girl,A girl that likes a relationship and goes through the proper channels to get one.Shes not a peace of meat to be used and tossed aside and is genuine relationship material.He knows this but ends up useing her as a one night stand just for the sake of finally, FINALLY getting some.
Its wrong to do to a nice girl and most guys won't do it.But the guys that do stoop this low know that if he told you his intentions of just wanting to get laid you would have probably said no,...

but my guess is he is feeling crappy about it too, that is, if he has any decentsy.
 CallmeKen
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 9
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 9:14:37 PM

You then go AWOL and don’t respond to a simple ‘light’ text message.

Um, have you considered the technical route? Maybe he didn't GET the text. Maybe his network dropped the ball. Maybe he just mass deleted all his texts by accident, or shut his texting off because he was at a meeting, and forgot to turn it back on.

Have you tried, I dunno, calling him maybe? Or is that too intimate after having sex with him?
 completed
Joined: 9/26/2010
Msg: 10
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 9:54:46 PM
^^^^^^^^^YOU GUYS ARE ALL GREAT!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU :-) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

csllmeken: I'd love to think so but not going to take the risk and text again and look like a stalker. He knows how to reach me and I think (as a courtesy) should have anyway. Regardless of my text

Everyone:

THANK YOU ALL, I feel like I’ve got a useful and insightful variety of feedback here. I'm not sure I’m more clear - and obviously it's impossible when you aren’t the dude and I don't know more - but I REALLY APPRECIATE your considered responses

Please, any other additions or contrasting feedback much appreciated!

Based on the balance here I think I've def got nothing to lose by following up with an email in a few days. A one off and not asking or expecting anything - at all - because I think it's crap he hasn't responded after nearly 4 days but just (for the sake of some personal purging/clearance) as per previous suggestion (my second post) I feel I want to. For me

If he's a total jerk then I don't care but I feel like I’ve really sold myself short - not just to him but to me/myself - argh! I know better than that but he's not to know though. Making excuses just look’s desperate and ‘over thought’ (no way!, me??!! ha ha) so my bad, so sad in the end :-(

it's important to me (regardless of wether he's a rude, careless jerk, is not into me, is rubber banding... whatever) that I acknowledge that I feel I misjudged and made a mistake as really just wanted to get to know him more....

Ok, gonna stop obsessing about this now!

THANKS AGAIN!!
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 11
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/16/2011 10:06:51 PM
Ops! About to blow my 'hypothetical' cover!!


How many threads are you planning on starting on the same subject. Do you think taking your picture down is going to fool anybody? You got lots of answers when you asked this in your last thread, I guess you didn't like most of those so your coming at it from a different angle.


I will say again what I said in your last thread.

The guy has no real interest in you as a long time prospect. He saw how easy you were with him, now he thinks you will be just as easy with someone else while he is away working. You flipped a coin to make a decision on having sex or not.... Do you have any idea how that makes you look through the eyes of a man?.




Ok, gonna stop obsessing about this now!


Yea right! You can't help yourself, you will be writing another thread about the same thing as soon as this one is done. I must admit to being a little curious as to how you will frame the question next time.




 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 12
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 4:14:52 AM

Please, any other additions or contrasting feedback much appreciated!


Go back and read your other thread under your other name.

A man who has had sex with you and wants more..does NOT leave you wondering if he is interested or not.


Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you


He won't be anymore interested/into you than he was the last time you asked..
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 13
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 4:52:16 AM
Taking advantage of this confusing mess to say something different:

I second Stray cat about the timing of sex in a relationship. From what I've seen and experienced, it isn't how FAST a woman has sex with a guy that makes her seem easy, it's WHY she does. A woman who looks at her watch, which is set to a certain number of dates, or a certain amount of money spent on her, in order to decide if it's time for sex, is going to be perceived as an undesirable mate (no matter how long she waits), just as a woman who seems to want sex more than she cares about which head happens to be attached to the nether regions she is entwined with, is going to be thought of as "easy (to say the least)".
The character of these posts, gives the impression of a generally nervous, flighty person, who isn't sure of anything she is doing. That would put ME off, much more than the timing of sex would. Over-thinking is almost always off-putting, because the person doing it is so difficult to figure out. Who are you really? Are you the woman who liked me so much that she slept with me on the second date, or are you a woman who tried to buy my affection through "putting out?" I can't tell, when you don't appear to know yourself why you are doing what you do.
Figure out YOURSELF first. Stop guessing what might or might not be in the other persons mind. When you follow your OWN desires and inner directives, and have specific goals you are comfortable with, then relationships will either fall into line with that, or will clearly be headed in the wrong direction, and you will be able to make appropriate choices about them. But if you try to make all your decisions based on what's in the OTHER persons mind, they wont be able to make a valid choice about you, because you will seem to change with every step they take.
 rocketship51
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 14
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 5:55:33 AM
OP....do you recall the acronym GIGO? (Garbage In, Garbage Out) Your post reminds me of it....the output (advice and opinions) can only be as good as the information given by the poster (input.)

You have taken out all the "juicy" details of your previous thread, repackaged it, and put it out there again. Looks like you like the responses you're getting now better than before.

That you're a girl who stimulates this guy's interest and that he feels a strong connection to you are...unfounded thoughts in your head. You have seen this guy a grand total of...twice. In both instances, there were his friends and/or your friends involved, so not even a proper date has been had. You slept w/ him on the 2nd meet. I pass no judgement on that whatsoever, I'm of the "adults are free to make whatever choices they want to in this regard" opinion, but the problem here is that....having done that, you have decided the guy "owes" you....something.

The best way to respond to his having gone AWOL after your coin toss is.....to move on. Next time, make sure you're in a relationship and it's reasonable to have "post sex" expectations before you have sex. Much less "angst" for you that way.

Simple.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 15
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 6:25:46 AM
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Hmmmm....I dunno, let me toss a coin.

Depending on your thoughts: how’s a female (obviously feeling pretty crappy about it all now) best to respond?

I think you need to stop feeling "crappy" and let this go. Forgive yourself, put the bat away and stop beating yourself up over it.
You can't respond when he is ignoring you. It's time to move on.
 FranklinLA
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 16
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 6:33:46 AM
I'm still trying to understand where the rubberband comes into it? You guys used rubber bands during sex? Like around the testicles or something?... I'm confused.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 17
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 7:24:00 AM
I'm still trying to understand where the rubberband comes into it? You guys used rubber bands during sex? Like around the testicles or something?... I'm confused.


Rubberbanding is a term coined by the author of the Mars & Venus books. Caving (going into his cave) is another term. According to these books, men go through natural cycles in the dating process where they may get overwhelmed and temporarily pull away from a woman (often after intimacy has taken place), then snap back to her later.

Unfortunately, in this case, I believe the man has lost interest permanently. OP, let him go and move on.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 18
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 10:14:54 AM
Accept the fact that you made a mistake; don't beat yourself up over this and get on with your life. Unfriend him from facebook....do you really need a "friend" like that?
Don't contact him and don't answer any attempts on his part if he does try to contact you later. Make a complete break.

A stable, reliable and considerate man doesn't treat any woman like that, and no woman should accept being treated this way. Like yourself and look for a man who can really be into you and vice versa. A relationship should leave you feeling "good" about yourself and the other person.

Too many excuses and suppositions are made for bad behaviour, and players where there really are none.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 2:12:48 PM
So what do you feel crappy about? Did you suppose sex would make him want you more and it didn't? Or do you feel crappy because you didn't really want to have sex but did in hopes of getting more attention from him? Or did you have sex because you wanted to?

You can't have sex with a stranger and expect anything other than casual sex. Just because some people end up in a relationship with someone they had sex with before they got to know each other, does not mean it's going to work all that often. Never have sex with someone unless what you are wanting is sex, it's not a down payment on a relationship.

If you feel crappy after having sex, then figure out why that is. Stop repeating the same behavior hoping for different results. Act in a way that will get you where you want to go.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 20
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Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 2:50:35 PM

You return, catch up with her and sleep with a girl for the first time (possibly a bit prematurely). You then go AWOL and don’t respond to a simple ‘light’ text message.

I know in my own case, if I slept with a woman before I developed an emotional connection, I simply lost interest in her....
A lot of time, the goal of eventually having sex with her would keep a guy around long enough to develop an emotional connection... But once the sex has happened, before the emotions get involved, then interest wanes and it's time to move on....
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 21
Sex: rubber band vs. just not that into you
Posted: 2/17/2011 4:14:15 PM
you feel crappy after having sex, then figure out why that is. Stop repeating the same behavior hoping for different results. Act in a way that will get you where you want to go.


Check the Op's posting history. The Op makes a regular habit of teasing guys or pretending she is hard to get on the first date. Then she drops her bloomers faster than a broke drug addict in a drug den on the second date. Then she starts a thread wondering why this approach is not working for her. Why men stop calling her after that second date? She can't see that her playing games has a whole lot to do with it, it's much easier to blame it on something the guys are doing. Saves her from having to do some self inventory. God forbit she should try working on herself.
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