| | Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-FacePage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | I met a guy online three years ago. We were friendly for two years, then we escalated to talking seriously. We've never met in person because we live states away from each other and we're in college. Though it's clear that we're exclusive, we don't use labels because we don't want to make things more complicated before we actually meet and have the chance to physically interact/date on a regular basis.
I'll be moving to his state for a job at the end of this year. Regardless of the fact that we've never physically been around each other, I feel like I am already 'seeing' him. I'm nervous about meeting him in person and what it will be like. Will we have to throw everything out and start at square one, like me never knew each other, even though we already have some sort of a relationship?
Thanks in advance for your help! | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 8:38:31 AM | I met a guy online three years ago. We were friendly for two years, then we escalated to talking seriously. We've never met in person because we live states away
Will we have to throw everything out and start at square one, like me never knew each other
Apparently you both have had three years electronic entertainment.. NOT RELATIONSHIP
When you actually DO meet in person, is when a relationship begins..
You don't actually know he isn't a 300lb 45yr old dwarf druid ex-con smoker with 3 kids and two ex-wives... | |
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TDH49
| | Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 3 | |
| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 8:41:10 AM |
We were friendly for two years, then we escalated to talking seriously. We've never met in person because we live states away from each other and we're in college. Though it's clear that we're exclusive Op how can you be in a exclusive relationship with a guy you never met. What have you been doing these last two year?
I'll be moving to his state for a job at the end of this year. Regardless of the fact that we've never physically been around each other, I feel like I am already 'seeing' him. I'm nervous about meeting him in person and what it will be like. Will we have to throw everything out and start at square one, like me never knew each other, even though we already have some sort of a relationship? Yes you have to throw EVERYTHING out the window and begin to get to know each other in the real world. Right now all you have is a internet fantasy, and those almost never live up to the hype.
You might meet this guy for the first time and go "WTF" was I thinking these last few years. IT'S NEVER REAL UNTIL IT'S REAL.......A quote from one of my favorite posters, I think it fits this situation perfectly. | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 9:03:40 AM | Thanks, TDH49. What I mean by exclusive is that we're only talking to each other on a relationship level. The past two years have been getting to know each other and about each other. I've 'met' some of his family and he's 'met' mine as well. We didn't think that we were going to have more than a friendship in the beginning, but the odds keep playing in our favor. So this isn't an 'internet fantasy;' we're looking at the possibility of a long-term relationship if things get started on the right foot. Hope that clears things up.
And that really is a good quote. Thank you! | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 9:08:28 AM | I'm old. Brick and mortar stores, snail mail, getting truly lost (pre-GPS) ... I don't completely grasp e-love, I guess. I just don't know what to tell you, except anybody can talk sh1t all day. I think you will need some interaction to see each other for whom you are. Good luck!  | |
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esp123
| | Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 6 | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 9:30:06 AM | My initial thought is that I hope you're not moving there/ locating work there in order to be near him prior to meeting and seeing how things go IRL for a good long while.
When you meet in person, after having talked for over 2 years, I would think that you'd be old buds and the talk would just flow. Meeting in person wouldn't detract from this, it should enhance it. If he's the guy who's been on webcam, no problem, right?
Personally, if I had that much interest in someone, I would have met him long ago.
I suggest meeting soon. | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 9:35:10 AM | One thing you should know is that he's got one hell of an imagination! He imagined a whole relationship with you, and you him, and call yourselves "exclusive."
Good luck, but I suppose you don't want to hear that you should have low expectations for this eventual meet up... | |
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Posted: 3/26/2011 11:01:15 AM | Yup. I haven't really done that myself, but I've dealt with a little bit of similar things, shorter time before really meeting and so forth.
The best suggestion for mental prep I can give is, to recognize that the entire structure of a relationship face to face is different then one online, in a ton of small, mundane, but very important ways.
Face to face, you have to coordinate time much more carefully. You can't wait for moods to be in alignment to interact, you have to do interact at the time, and that requires a different kind of acceptance and tolerance of human frailties than you can have online. In that sense, time itself will feel different. Space changes too, you can no longer USE the distance to cushion things.
Smells and relative heights, the way people move, how they respond to each moment, all are different face to face from how they behave, even over a computer camera. It's all those LITTLE things that can add up to big differences when you actually meet. These are the KINDS of things to give patience to yourself and the other person for, when you are re-starting at our get together. Realizing ahead of time that this kind of stuff can surprise you, might cushion things enough to get you over the 'hump' of starting over, and appreciating each other in the new REAL world you'll be dealing with. | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 11:09:21 AM | | Few years ago, this guy and I "met" online, talked for over two months, saw each other on cam, etc etc. He was in Brazil and was coming back to England several weeks later. So we got to know each other online, or so I thought. There were no lies, or anything like that. It's only that the instant I met him, I felt a very bad vibe coming out of him. In the flesh, he was completely different from his"virtual" self. Cameras, emails, this, that, do not compensate for reality, and the reality is you don't know if you like him until you do meet him. It's not that you are going back to square one, you are at square one but with a lot more info about him and his family than a woman whom he runs into -say- in a grocery store. | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 11:47:56 AM |
Though it's clear that we're exclusive, we don't use labels because we don't want to make things more complicated before we actually meet
If you don't use labels to define your "relationship", then nothing is "clear" at all. As an interpreter, you of all people should know this. I would say your relationship is exclusive as long as his webcam is ON - - when it's turned off, he's a free agent.
You're moving to his state, but you didn't say his city, which implies to me that NOTHING WILL CHANGE AT ALL. You will just get your webcam groove on from 100 miles away instead of 1000. You will say "I'm too busy working to meet" instead of "I'm busy at college".
You're nervous about meeting him --> I believe that 100%!!! Because anyone who truly thought she was in a relationship with someone would have bought that airline ticket and gone to see him before moving across the country to be near (but not with) him.
Let me ask - was you previous 2+ year relationship a face-to-face affair in high school, or was it another online/email fantasy? If you are counting this e-romance as your "previous" relationship, I fear you are in for one Hell of a shock. But then, perhaps you already have it covered - your plan may be to never meet him at all, but only to be "physically" closer as the crow flies.
Caution ahead. | |
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Posted: 3/26/2011 12:17:28 PM | | Good lord. Another " never met in person but in a relationship" deal. Really? How do people even think this is possible?????????? You should be nervous meeting in person especially since you think you are in a relationship and never met. UUggghhh. Craziness. And his family?? what the ??? Cyber family meetings??? For all you know you could be talking to some married nut case.....LOL Girl get with it. Get off Fantasy Island. Tattoo and Mr. Rork are DEAD. | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 12:24:44 PM | If you wanted to meet this guy you already by now could bund a way to make it happen. You are not in relationship with him, especially exclusive. Were you not dating anyone or going out with any other guy for the last 2 years because you believed that you have an exclusive BF? Sounds to me this way.
You both live in a fantazy land and your real world with him may not work out. How do you know that he didn't sleep with anyone in the last 2 years (even if he said that of course he didn't)? | |
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Posted: 3/26/2011 12:36:47 PM | If had an online "relationship" for three years and then met the person in real life, and found I really had nothing in common with her, no chemistry, no attraction, I would think that I had wasted three years of my life that I will never get back. I think that's one of the greatest sins a person can commit.
Yes, you have to start again. All you have up to this point is talk. For your sake, I hope it works out. I would never do this. | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 1:22:32 PM | OP: During your 3 year friendship neither one of you could visit and meet face-to-face? You do have breaks in college.
You don't know what he's like, what he really looks like (and vice versa), and in my opinion you won't know where this is going UNTIL you meet/have a "normal" relationship/interaction, etc...............
Good luck! | |
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Posted: 3/26/2011 1:59:13 PM | I can see that everyone is telling you to be cautious
And this is nothing and blah blah.
I did this. Yes. Sad but true. I threw caution to the wind had
A cyber and phone relationship for two years. He in the army
And me who couldn't get to meet him. He was a Ranger. Special
Forces which prevented him from a life and meeting me. Plus
Well the state of the world and blah blah but I will not get
Into that. Let's just say we were unable to meet.
so. Umm. He retired.
We now have lived together almost two years.
I don't know your situation but people who say he will not be
What you think or the person he says he is just may be a little
Full of shit depending on the extent of your cyber interaction.
Even when meeting someone in the real world do we truly
Ever know them.
So. In conclusion I can only say that I wish you luck and I am sure if
You guys were up front with each other and shared a lot then meeting
Will be like nothing. Like it was for us. The rhythm of what you have now
Will flow in real life.
I wish you luck and love. | |
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Posted: 3/26/2011 2:44:07 PM | People use to use the mail for this sort of thing, then the phone, newspapers, etc., it's all the same really, when you meet in person and get to know each other you will see if you can be a couple or not. Just let it flow naturally, and see where it goes.
What drowns most relationships (for lack of a better term) like this is the fantasy one has built up. You don't need to go back to square one, you do know things about each other, but you have never dated or been around each other, so that's new. Think of it as a three-year first date, and when you meet as your second date. Don't load the meeting down with fantasy expectations. | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 2:50:43 PM | As curlygrl said:
I don't know your situation but people who say he will not be
What you think or the person he says he is just may be a little
Full of shit depending on the extent of your cyber interaction.
People's past experiences ( or lack of) tend to color their opinion on matters such as these. Just because it didn't work for them, they assume it won't work for anyone .
It's a long shot, no doubt. But don't all relationships require taking a chance, regardless of origin? In some ways I think you and em are off to a better start than most as you have actually taken the time to really get to know one another in the hours spent talking/chatting. Assuming both of you have been open and honest with the other, this can lay a solid foundation for a relationship. At least you guys know you have a lot to say to one another.
The biggest "what if" I foresee is the physical attraction in person. Sometimes it's just not there . Having mentioned chatting on webcam you both obviously know what the other looks like and are attracted - in that medium at least. Face to face could be an entirely different thing...
I too experienced a situation similar to this. Met a guy through a social networking site (not facebook) who was 13 years younger than me. We began chatting and soon spent a significant amount of time almost daily chatting through the site or messenger etc. He lives about 3000 miles away from or so, so meeting wasn't going to be easy and to be honest the age difference worried me.
About 4 months in we were joking about him flying down to see me (he's a pilot). Next thing I knew he went online and bought a plane ticket. I was in shock, but extremely excited to finally meet him. I barely slept/ate for the two weeks before he got here. Right up until the moment I saw him walk through those doors at the airport I was convinced it was all a dream. And then I saw him...
Did I mention he was the exact opposite physically of my "usual" type? Didn't matter. As soon as we saw each other, we knew each other. I felt so comfortable and natural with him, like I had known him always. It's so hard to put into words, but it was absolutely amazing. We spent 2 wonderful days together and then he flew back home.
Ours was not meant to be anything more than what it was; he's young and has so much going on, he actually owns/operates his own commuter flight business now. But what we had...well, I will never forget or regret it, and I will treasure the memories for a lifetime.
It may not be real "until it's real", but if you never take a chance, you'll never know if it could have been. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Only you know for sure Opie how you feel right now about this guy, and if you want it to go to the next level or stay the way it is.
Play it safe, or jump in head first? 
My advice:
JUMP  | |
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Posted: 3/26/2011 3:06:55 PM |
Think of it as a three-year first date, and when you meet as your second date. Don't load the meeting down with fantasy expectations.
Excellent advice, daynadaze! Fantasy expectations are generally part of ANY relationship, on-line or IRL. One major difference is that on-line, one generally gets to know what's inside the person's head and how they think, but not their physical affect on you. The guy/gal you meet at the gym or grocery store, you know the physical affect they have on you, but NOT their inner life. In either case , there is always that 'getting to know the real you' time.
Getting to know another person is a life long process. Ya gotta start somewhere! Good luck! | |
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| Online Relationships & Meeting Face-to-Face
Posted: 3/26/2011 3:30:21 PM | We now have lived together almost two years.
I don't know your situation but people who say he will not be
What you think or the person he says he is just may be a little
Full of shit depending on the extent of your cyber interaction.
Thank you, curly. 
Think of it as a three-year first date, and when you meet as your second date. Don't load the meeting down with fantasy expectations. Excellent advice, daynadaze! Fantasy expectations are generally part of ANY relationship, on-line or IRL. One major difference is that on-line, one generally gets to know what's inside the person's head and how they think, but not their physical affect on you. The guy/gal you meet at the gym or grocery store, you know the physical affect they have on you, but NOT their inner life. In either case , there is always that 'getting to know the real you' time. Getting to know another person is a life long process. Ya gotta start somewhere! Good luck!
 It all starts somewhere, that's for sure.
~OP~ No one knows but you how you feel or why you haven't met in the passed three years. We all write our own scripts here. In the five years I've been here on POF, I've had long-term exchanges with a few people. Nothing "exclusive" per se, but I understand the concept. I've made some very important friendships here but I haven't met a man that I'd like to date long term here. It's all about the connection YOU feel you have. Be comfortable and enjoy ~ many don't even have any friendships to show for their time here, I think you're lucky if you end up with that ~ end up with more? You're likely an exception, much like curly^^^. JMO  | |
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Posted: 3/26/2011 3:36:21 PM | OP You need to meet in person ASAP. If you don't then you are NOT really committed to what you think you are committed.
This is what has happened to many, many people that are did what you did. Eventually when they meet, they realize that they FEEL about person they just met in person different than the person that they met online. The reason is that online we tend to behave in a certain way, and in person we tend to behave slightly different. That is the case, even when we are simply trying to be ourselves. Second, the chemistry is something that has to be felt in person. Until you do that, you have nothing but a castle in the sky.
Also if you are committed, then you should have the strength and willingness to follow through. YOu need to see if in person you feel as compatible.
So good luck. | |
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Posted: 3/26/2011 3:49:21 PM | OPie, first of all no one who has never done it successfully gets a vote here, lol! And NO, you don't have to start over -- but what will be very important is how totally honest *both* of you have been. And then it's the luck of the draw. If you *absolutely* need that instant flash in the pan chemistry, it might be more of a problem. If you are willing to let chemistry build, then less of a problem, or no problem.
And yup, as others have pointed out things are different in real time: you don't know how quickly he gets irritated, you don't know how well you two mesh in working through differences, etc. But these are also things you don't know when you start a relationship in "real time," they are just things the two of you need to discover about each other. The two of you have a head start on most that meet face to face for the first time, but that's all.
DO NOT drown the meeting in expectations, either of good or bad. Let it be organic. Grow into it. Allow him to do the same.
I've met guys three times after very long lead times (once via letters only, twice on the nets). The letters guy was nice, we liked each other, and it was totally flat. Both times from the nets it was a take. And very very easy and without any sturm und drang at all. The first I ended up moving in with and living with until he died. The second, I'm with now, and we're going on three and a half years.
Do NOT forget to have fun!
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