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 FlameNFire
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 1
Recovery from addiction and dating...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have a friend of mine who in recovery for an addiction to prescription medications. She has gone to rehab, has completely worked and is working her recovery program, is attending regular meetings, etc. She has a profile on here although hasn't used it in a while. She feels she is ready to start dating again, but AA and NA are now a big part of her life and she is wondering when and how to bring that up to a date? I am not sure what advice to give her so I thought I'd post here to see if I could get any feedback from you all here? Thanks!
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 4:41:25 PM
she is wondering when and how to bring that up to a date? I am not sure what advice to give her so I thought I'd post here


I'd say by the third date (if it ever gets there) is best time to drop any pretense of being perfect, open up and reveal whatever imperfections you think may matter to the other..
 midlandtom
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 3
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Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 4:47:32 PM
When a person is in recovery the person KNOWS that it may go eiether way. I think it would be selfish to bring any dude on board when you are not sure of yourself. When you are not sure of yourself it may be a huge obstarcle in a subconsious level.
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 4
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 4:48:25 PM
If she is active in AA/NA, she has a sponsor. She should talk to her.

IMO, she needs to be up front about putting it in her profile that she is working a 12 step program. Many people don't want to deal with that. Better to get it out in the open.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 5
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Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 4:50:04 PM
If she actually is attending AA and/or NA, THEY are the ones that will be able to give her better advice. They have also told her to "success" rate of their programs. It ain't that high.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 6
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 4:50:19 PM
How long has she has had her addiction under control. Since NA and AA are a big part of her life whoever comes into her life will need to understand and accept that. She doesn't need to reveal that to anyone until she feels she wants to have a relationship with them. I would suggest she take it slow on the dating and not get too involved until she feels that person can accept her situation.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 7
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 4:59:07 PM

She feels she is ready to start dating again, but AA and NA are now a big part of her life and she is wondering when and how to bring that up to a date?

That's something she should work out with her sponsor.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 8
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Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:00:41 PM
it may surprise her to learn how many people share her experience. she stands a fairly decent chance of meeting someone who, not only can relate to her issues, but shares them as well.

she might consider stressing on her profile that she wants to date clean, sober people only. that should narrow it down a bit.

also, i think they have dating sites specifically for people in recovery. she might check that out too.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 9
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:08:10 PM
OP: It may come up when the conversation starts. i.e. when they see her comment for drinking of "no". I've talked some here and I usually ask whether they just don't enjoy drinking (the taste, nutritional reasons, etc....) or what other reason(s). At which point, she should answer accordingly.

If it doesn't at that point, it may come up when they ask her to go out for c*cktails, as it is a usual invite when getting to the meeting aspect. I wouldn't worry about it, and if she is judge on this then obviously that person is not for her.

She may want to wait until she has some more clean time under her "belt" to begin dating. The beginning is very crucial in remaining focused/clean within her program.

Good luck to her!
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 10
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:21:34 PM

She may want to wait until she has some more clean time under her "belt" to begin dating. The beginning is very crucial in remaining focused/clean within her program.
Has she been clean and sober for at least a year? AA requires that you be at least a year clean before you start to think about dating. That way you are emotionally ready to deal with the ups and downs that comes with being in a relationship. The best person to give her advice is her sponsor.
 sukkatash
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 11
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:24:10 PM

AA and NA are now a big part of her life and she is wondering when and how to bring that up to a date?

I don't know.
It depends on how she is going about getting dates.
I mean is someone going to walk up to her in a bookstore and say "Hi, my name is Dan."
And she says "I'm in AA! I'm in AA!" and flash her boobs and run away or something?

Or maybe she approaches someone. Will it be "Hi, I saw you standing here, thought you were cute, thought I'd come up and tell you I'm in AA and a recovering addict, what's your name?"

Or are we talking about online dating?
Is she going to have a relatively long and informative profile and mention AA and what it's done for her or how her life has changed or where she is now?
Or is it going to consist only of something like "I like long walks on the beach, I enjoy them more now that I am sober and in AA. I'm an open book, ask me anything!"

Generally speaking if I were to advise someone I'd say bring it up when it's relevant to the conversation, and/or it's on her mind and why it's on her mind (otherwise it's going to be distracting her focus and affect how she interacts with people and she'll be seen as distant or something).

IMO if she tries to hide it and is really scared she's going to lose something by being honest and "scaring" them away, then she doesn't want to date, she just wants that pseudo relationship benefit high.
 FlameNFire
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 12
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:25:33 PM
For those who keep saying she needs to talk to her sponsor...she has. Her sponsor is there to discuss her recovery, whether she is ready to date, etc. Her sponsor IS NOT there to give her advice on how to handle a dating relationship. Her sponsor is not in the dating arena and therefor unequipted to tell her when and how to tell a date about this part of her life. She came to me because I am in the dating scene and I posted this thread to a group of people also in the dating world. I appreciate all of your thoughts. I hope to hear some more thoughts and suggestions, preferably beyond just "she needs to talk to her sponsor". This is not her sponsor's role.
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:34:38 PM

She feels she is ready to start dating again, but AA and NA are now a big part of her life and she is wondering when and how to bring that up to a date?


Wow, admitting that you are ready to start dating again is a tall order. I'd wait to the 3rd or 4th date before admitting that one is willing to date again. After all, that dating thing...very hard core.
 midlandtom
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 14
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Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:37:22 PM
She would be a selfish, self-centered chick if she will get involved wih a dude. When you are in a recovery mode you will need all resources to facilitate your recovery. Including a good Christian man who will hold her hand in the moments of weakness and listen to her pathetic stories.

She may go back to her stuff but either way she is not stable. She will using a dude as a part of her recovery agenda. Would it be just him listening for her stories and help her in the momnets of weakness. OR sticking his penis into vagina when she she may need to become aware that orgasam feels as high as an addiction.

She will be using dudes unless she is stable.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 15
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:38:03 PM
OP: Sponsors are typically their to support the recovering addict with their Program and keeping clean. i.e the struggles they have to remain clean one day at a time

They're not really there to give them advice on dating, and other life issues. However, there have been many who have crossed into a true friendship from giving sponsorship. So while it is not the typical role of a Sponsor, there is nothing wrong with bouncing other things with your Sponsor.





Including a good Christian man who will hold her hand in the moments of weakness and listen to her pathetic stories.

She may go back to her stuff but either way she is not stable. She will using a dude as a part of her recovery agenda. Would it be just him listening for her stories and help her in the momnets of weakness. OR sticking his penis into vagina when she she may need to become aware that orgasam feels as high as an addiction.

She will be using dudes unless she is stable.


^^"Pathetic" stories, Christian man to hold her hand? Sticking his penis into vagina when she she may need to become aware that orgasam feels as high as an addiction."

^^WTF is that all about? Do you have ANY clue about the topic and what you are saying????!!!

Very crass and ignorant; Midlandtom..................

 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 16
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Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:53:34 PM
I'm going to assume that your friend is roughly the same age as you, and is seeking to date men around the same age.

By the time you get to mid 30's, everyone has known people who have been addicted and recovered. It won't be a big shock to most guys. There's no reason not to bring it up at the first date or even earlier. There's also no reason to do so. By the third date, she should have talked about it though.
 FlameNFire
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 17
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:56:56 PM
Thanks Sobrasura, Midlandtom obviously knows nothing about addiction and recovery (amongst a few others who have posted here). Many people, who are serious about there recovery are very successful, lifelong. They are also very strong people from what they have been through. They have much more strength in character than someone who can only pass down insults to someone with an issue they have no understanding of!
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 18
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Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 5:57:53 PM
I think NA and AA stress being addiction free for at least a year before starting to date.
I've never been a member and so don't agree with that.

Only your friend can know if:
she is truly over her addiction...
and if she would not start up again if emotionally hurt by dating.
(and lets face it, that is almost inevitable with dating.)

If she is able to remain free of addiction in any circumstance,
she is ready.

She can mention it 1st or 2nd date depending on comfort level.
No need to mention it before then in email or phone unless she wants to.

good luck to her.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 19
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Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 6:01:29 PM

Her sponsor IS NOT there to give her advice on how to handle a dating relationship. Her sponsor is not in the dating arena and therefor unequipted to tell her when and how to tell a date about this part of her life.



Yet sponsors have no problem giving "advice" on how addicts should handle their "relationships" with family,friends,and coworkers?????? Yes, sponsors will, should (and do) give advice on entering "new relationships", romantic or not.(they actually have helpful hints on who you SHOULDN'T date) If her sponsor won't help, tell her to bring it up in group. That's WHY she is there!!!!!

Also, mention to "your friend", that her sponsor's lack of action in the "dating arena" is also a helpful hint to her questions.

Relationships are part of her life. Addiction is part of her life. They are intertwined. There will come a time, and a place for her to invent others in. I'm bettin it just isn't right now.



Thanks Sobrasura, Midlandtom obviously knows nothing about addiction and recovery (amongst a few others who have posted here). Many people, who are serious about there recovery are very successful, lifelong. They are also very strong people from what they have been through. They have much more strength in character than someone who can only pass down insults to someone with an issue they have no understanding of!


Ummmm, don't dismiss another's "experince" with an addict. THAT shows you know "nothing about addiction and recovery" and the ugly destruction that can be left behind. Also know, that when you say "many people,who are serious about their recovery are very succesful, lifelong",,,,,,MANY MORE DO NOT!!!! (just a fact)
 bodypro8ra
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 20
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 6:07:16 PM
Beats me. I can' t remember when I disclosed in the past. Seven + years. I don't go to meetings anymore anyway. I probably don't have to tell anyone, they just look at me and they know. Here's the deal: maybe her dates aren't pristine either. I suggest she take each case on an individual basis. I mean each person she encounters is different. It could be simple: I don't drink, it doesn't agree with me. I don't like how I behave when I drink so I don't do it. That's an opener.

Edit per below: You are welcome. Being transparent is the back of my hand. I use it in my writing. Sometime in the not too distant future anybody, anywhere can read all about my lost years. Minds make judgments. That's their job. Judgment machines. You can put space around that. You don't have to BE your opinions. That little space, that opening is the context of possibility. It is possible to transcend your demons and live in grace.

 FlameNFire
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 21
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 6:13:35 PM
Bodypro8ra, Thank you so much for your candor! It's sad that in this day and age we still have such prejudice and misinformation. Yes, there are those who don't make it in recovery, however, those who are truly determined do. I have seem miracles happen in my girlfriends life since she entered into her recovery. I have attended meetings with her and have met all the awesome folks there who have been clean and sober for many years. It can and is being done all over the world for the folks who want it badly enough.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 22
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 6:21:46 PM
^^I've gone to meetings and anniversaries. It is an amazing Program for those who want it! The camaraderie is heart-felt. Very spiritual and as a non-addict I was able relate with some of The Steps to our lives.......(the non-addict that is).

Nothing in life is guaranteed, but we should be grateful for people such as Bill W/others (who started these Programs and provide the support). Without them God knows how many lives would be lost.

I still believe your friend (OP) should wait a bit before she goes into the dating arena. Hell, many times dating can make ANYONE go bonkers. Thus, she doesn't need that added stress right now.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 23
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Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 6:35:03 PM
Prejudice? So the issue is the unhealthy attitude of the people in the dating world?
We are supposed to think poor baby is lonely because of all the misinformation in the world?
She owes it to herselfto take the time to heal and become clear headed and sober. This will take years not months. She needs to take the time to be connected with herself, and making amends to those she hurt. Not risking the feelings of other people because she wants companionship.
The desire for drugs has not left, she is merely separated from her lover not moved on.
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 24
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 6:35:16 PM
she needs to be upfront with it. in my opinion, she should date within the program. i will never date another 12 step guy again. both men i envolved myself with, referred to their "family" and i didn't even know some of these people. all their socializing was within the program. it's like dating a single parent, you come somewhere down the line in their priority list. although they "say" you are the most important person....not in reality. it's either their sponsor or the person they sponsor or their "core" group.

tell her to date within her private club.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 25
Recovery from addiction and dating...
Posted: 4/4/2011 6:43:09 PM
^^^I dated someone in The Rooms, and it didn't end because he was/is a recovering addict (and he had many years under his belt by the time I came into his life). I guess he (your ex Gardenia) took it to the "extreme" (not all recovering addicts associate ONLY with addicts).

A recovering addict is a recovering addict for the rest of their lives from what I understand. All it takes is 1 time to use and you loose ALL YOUR CLEAN TIME. Hence, why many may take it to the "extreme"............

There are MANY who are prejudice and look down upon addicts. It is their prerogative if they choose not to date one, but we should not think we are better than anyone. We are all work in progress in different areas.
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