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 NiceKindaWay
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 1
Relationships with Bartenders and WaitressPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Here's my situation:

My husband and his friends travel for work. They visit alot of bars for dinner and drinks at the end of the day. All of the guys are single except my husband.

I can name about 6 instances where he's had a battery " die " on his cell phone.

The last place they have been working at is going on 5 weeks now. Every night I call I hear the bartenders in the background talking to the guys. The other night I could hear 2. Both women. I ask who's all at the bar and it's just my husband and his friend. They need 2 bartenders for 2 customers??? The guys say they have been there like 20 times and my husband is always VERY nervous and trys to rush me off the phone when I can hear the girls in the background.

So he turns his phone off the other night after saying he was leaving at 10:30pm. 12:45am it comes back on. I was pissed. I ask him how late he stayed out ( he has to work at 3:30 am ) at first it was 11 then 11:30... So I thought screw it I'll call the bar..

I call and ask if the guys had been in and they said yes. I asked if they knew how late they were there. They put me on hold and a waitress gets on the phone. She says " Hello" I say "hello" She says "You must be so and so's wife" Huh????

So I'm mad that he didn't leave when he said, he lied about his phone being dead ( again ) and that the waitress knew enough to answer the phone like that.....
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 2
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 7:50:12 AM
Does he have a big tip?
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 3
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 8:37:42 AM
Just when you think you've read it all, Bingo, do you know why Jack climbed up the beanstalk? it was to get away from Jill, she was busting his balls over everything, she even tossed the poor bastar d down the hill, broke his crown, tossed him a beating so the story goes.

Perhaps you nagging your hubby to death and this is his way of avoiding you when on the road, I dont know if he's fooling around on you or not but it is clear your marriage has problems and if you dont solve them, you will wake up one day with a divorce papers and or a note saying he's tired of getting his balls broken and he had to claim disability last month because you broke them

Calling the bar to see what time he left? yeah your marriage I hate to say is on the rocks so to speak
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 4
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 8:47:05 AM
Well for God sakes... they all KNOW so and so has a wife. NOW.. If she was surprized that he was married you maybe would have a bone to pick on, but you got nothing here but your own insecurities.
 sukkatash
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 5
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 8:56:18 AM


So I'm mad that he didn't leave when he said, he lied about his phone being dead ( again ) and that the waitress knew enough to answer the phone like that.....

Maybe you should look for female friends to talk to?
Maybe talk to your husband?

Thanks for letting us know you are mad.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 6
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 8:56:29 AM
So he turns his phone off the other night after saying he was leaving at 10:30pm. 12:45am it comes back on. I was pissed. I ask him how late he stayed out ( he has to work at 3:30 am ) at first it was 11 then 11:30... So I thought screw it I'll call the bar..

I call and ask if the guys had been in and they said yes. I asked if they knew how late they were there. They put me on hold and a waitress gets on the phone. She says " Hello" I say "hello" She says "You must be so and so's wife" Huh????
Good lord lady get a life! Men on the road working have nothing better to do after work than go have a few beers in a bar and watch a game. Stop trying to suck all the life out of this poor man.



So I'm mad
No kidding! Perhaps you should go see a therapist, maybe they can help you with this.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 7
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 8:57:26 AM
IMO most people who are trying to fool around on there significant other don't make it known that they have one. In casual conversations with women I meet who are happily attatched they will bring up thier SO fairly quickly in a positive light.

Some people are not cut out to have a partner who spends alot of time away from home. If takes a good deal of trust and independance to pull it off and be content. You need to find another hobby other than trying to catch your man in the act.
 Snappy_Turtle
Joined: 2/27/2011
Msg: 8
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 9:19:35 AM
Ooh, ouch. What a rip-roaring mess. I guess your unstated question is, can all of this possibly be innocent? I'd say yes.

Since your imagination seems to be in good working order, I'd suggest you take out a day or two to turn it in a different direction. I want you to imagine the roles reversed between the two of you. If you had to travel and liked to go out with friends and be rowdy when you did -- him at home, with dark suspicions.

How would you like him to approach it? If you were completely innocent, how would you be feeling, if he had used your approach?

For extra credit -- if he is cheating or considering letting himself be tempted, how would you like it to all shake out and what can you do to help that?

My phone battery used to die before the end of the day. Instead of accusing me of lying about that, husband got me an upgrade but it still sucks the battery out if I play fruit ninja too much when I get stuck in a holding pattern.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 9
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 9:46:54 AM

Ooh, ouch. What a rip-roaring mess. I guess your unstated question is, can all of this possibly be innocent? I'd say yes.

Since your imagination seems to be in good working order, I'd suggest you take out a day or two to turn it in a different direction. I want you to imagine the roles reversed between the two of you. If you had to travel and liked to go out with friends and be rowdy when you did -- him at home, with dark suspicions.

How would you like him to approach it? If you were completely innocent, how would you be feeling, if he had used your approach?

For extra credit -- if he is cheating or considering letting himself be tempted, how would you like it to all shake out and what can you do to help that?

My phone battery used to die before the end of the day. Instead of accusing me of lying about that, husband got me an upgrade but it still sucks the battery out if I play fruit ninja too much when I get stuck in a holding pattern.


<img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0>

If this doesn't help I advocate therapy for yourself to find out what's at the core of your insecurities. And a hobby or two.

Gotta say, it's pretty uncool IMO to be on a dating site as married and looking to 'hang out'. JS, if all's well on the homefront one would have' not single, not looking' as well as hiding their profile....
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 10
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 9:56:36 AM
let me get this straight... you knew exactly where your husband was.... and he talked about you there.... and you are worried???

stop nagging.... he probably turned the phone off so he wouldn't be tempted to answer your obsessive calls.... either you trust him or you don't.... if you don't then deal with that... but be sure that your lack of trust isn't your own problem...

I am very chatty with waiters and waitresses.... and have spent time in bars where said waiter or waitress sat and chatted because the place was empty.... who cares... your husband doesn't need a bar to cheat... he could do it just sitting in his hotel room....
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 11
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 10:26:25 AM
~OP~ ^^^^I think you see the pattern here. Strangers, all of us, and all of us agree. You have a problem and I don't think it's your husband. Let him have a little time away from you. Good grief. Have you ever read or heard this: "How can I miss you? You never go away!!" Back off, maybe he'll miss you. (And really? These women KNOW about you. They likely roll their eyes when you blow up his phone, but they know about you.) JMO
 johnnylange
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 12
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 10:32:48 AM
Eh, you got nothing as far as cheating goes. I think the real issue is that he's gone from home too much.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 13
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 10:38:52 AM
Some people are not cut out to have a partner who spends alot of time away from home. If takes a good deal of trust and independance to pull it off and be content. You need to find another hobby other than trying to catch your man in the act.


My vote for best answer...............and if your getting tired of holding the fort down by yourself and finding yourself becoming resentful, you need to have a chat with your husband. Your coping with a lot of stress if it's coupled with worrying about his infidelity. Did he have this kind of job when you married him?

My job requires me to travel a lot as well and I know my options for a relationship are very limited because the majority of men wouldn't and couldn't tolerate it in a marriage. I've been given an ultimatum before by the men I've dated........either find a new job or find a new relationship.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 11:56:58 AM
Yes, I would say your husband is up to no good, he may not be having an affair(s) but he's quite busy with his friends the bartenders/waitresses. They know about you, the nagging wife you hunts him down and yes I would guess you are the joke of the group, poor Buddy and his fishwife. This is part your fault for acting like a jealous, nagging, crazy wife and partly his fault for doing all the things he lies about and making you think crazy thoughts. The answer for me would to never be married to a man I don't trust, who doesn't deserve my trust and who lies and makes me a joke to his friends and the women he flirts with. Unless you want a life like this, you need to either live with it and be happy or get a divorce and find a man who doesn't lie to you and who isn't gone all the time.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 15
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 11:58:19 AM
My Ex husband traveled 3 weeks a month. He would often sit at a bar and eat dinner just to be around other people. I never felt a need to check up on him or get jealous. Traveling for your job is lonely and exhausting.
A person can cheat next door they don't need to be away. Either you cheat or you don't. The fact is you do not trust your husband and whether he is a dog or not, THAT is what is wrong with your relationship. Lack of trust is a killer, you sound like a royal pain in the ass he's probably embarrassed and it's easier not to talk to you on the phone. No one needs that kind of pressure and stress.
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 16
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 12:07:49 PM
maybe its time for him to get a new profession that doesn't require travelling for 5 weeks at a time with only single guys who like to spend all their free time partying in bars, befriending the waitresses and bartenders.

that would definitely get on my nerves at some point. are his friends hawt? are they player types?
 PrunellaJones
Joined: 1/22/2011
Msg: 17
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 12:35:24 PM

Some people are not cut out to have a partner who spends alot of time away from home. If takes a good deal of trust and independance to pull it off and be content. You need to find another hobby other than trying to catch your man in the act.




My vote for best answer...............and if your getting tired of holding the fort down by yourself and finding yourself becoming resentful, you need to have a chat with your husband. Your coping with a lot of stress if it's coupled with worrying about his infidelity. Did he have this kind of job when you married him?

My job requires me to travel a lot as well and I know my options for a relationship are very limited because the majority of men wouldn't and couldn't tolerate it in a marriage. I've been given an ultimatum before by the men I've dated........either find a new job or find a new relationship. .

My vote for the two best answers. This shouldn't be a situation where you just have to put up and shut up about something you are so uncomfortable with. Don't let people label you as the insecure, nagging wife. "you're getting tired of holding the fort down by yourself and finding yourself becoming resentful" is the key here. It is causing you to develop a lack of trust which you may not have had before, and causing both of you to behave in a way you may not have previously done.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 18
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 2:53:17 PM

So I'm mad that he didn't leave when he said, he lied about his phone being dead ( again ) and that the waitress knew enough to answer the phone like that.....

Next time he's out of town, go out clubbing every night with some single friends (or even by yourself) and come home when the bars close. Talk to him from the clubs.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 19
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 5:13:56 PM
OPie, deal is: he's either cheating or not. If so, it's not likely the peeps that work in the bar; and if so, he's likely NOT AT the bar. . . . But truth is, your hounding him isn't going to help. If you *don't* trust him, leave him and give him a break -- DO NOT make yourself into the one he never wants to see/hear from.

Give up the detective project, and find something to do on your own that makes you happy. So happy that you don't notice and/or worry about how he spends his time when he's not with you. Clinging/crying/whining/getting mad is going to end it sooner rather than later.

Good luck!
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 20
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 5:31:25 PM
Well, OP, the advice seems almost unanimous. If you want to have a happy and successful relationship, nagging your husband over the phone and sleuthing about the bar will not get you there.

Do you have children? If so, it can be a hard grind to be alone with them for so long. If not, then you need a diversion of your own while he is out of town. Use your alone time for personal betterment. Go to the gym, scrapbook, take a class, whatever.

You need to trust him, because your relationship will disintegrate if you don't. He can't make you happy from the road, so don't count on it to happen.
 oaklandish
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 21
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 7:11:18 PM
I am sure it is very difficult having your husband gone for 5 weeks. Do you want him to sit in a hotel room reading every night? Lots of folks go out because they want company. Just because they are at a bar doesn't mean they are misbehaving. Has he ever given you reason to not trust him? If not, don't p1ss him off and encourage him to start.

And your question about two women bartenders for two customers.....I am guessing they have assigned shifts- who knows how many folks will come in on any given night..should they send one home early and not pay her because it is a slow night and you don't want her talking to your husband?

Maybe you could offer up some extracurricular phone activities. That might get him back to the room earlier.
 NiceKindaWay
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 22
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 9:27:39 PM
I appreciate the advice. I have a lot of hobbies, friends and more stuff to do in a day that anyone here could imagine. I was told to call the bar by my husband - How else would I have known where they were.

My question is more like this - Why do people who work in a bar think it's their right to be nosey with every person that comes in.

And I did find out why she answered that way. My husband made it perfectly clear he has a wife at home. So a little sour grapes on her part maybe. Hasn't stopped the pack from trying to land one of the other guys.

Not once have I called to check up on him other than this night. I had an issue at home that I needed him for. So it wasn't even checking up, it was urgent.

I hope some of you never have a question that needs answered.
 NiceKindaWay
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 23
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 9:41:19 PM
PS: I don't know how to change my profile. I think it's obvious I'm not looking.

Nit pick all you like.

I originally signed up to ask what to do for a friend who was dating a married man. However that has since worked itself out.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 24
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 9:49:10 PM
I hope some of you never have a question that needs answered.

Well the question you *seemed* to be asking was answered.

Waiters and waitresses and bartenders are in the bidnes of public relations. Their livelihood depends on it. My ex was on the road like that for about five years of our marriage. His job shop wouldn't even give locations to the wives/girlfriends because they caused so much distention. The guys spent most evenings in one bar or another. Much better than hanging around a cheap motel room. And mine was hit on all the time. But *never* by the employees. You should be flattered and grateful she didn't ask you if you were the girlfriend or the wife.

 PrunellaJones
Joined: 1/22/2011
Msg: 25
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 10:00:14 PM
And mine was hit on all the time. But *never* by the employees.
When I was in college, working my way through, I worked as a****ail waitres for a while, off and on, one place for a full year. I had a boyfriend. I didn't 'hit' on anyone, especially not the customers. The other women I worked with, including bar tenders, were either married or in a serious relationship. They didn't go out with the customers either. It wasn't until years later that I came to understand that some, maybe a lot, of people think women who work in bars are cheap sluts. So, OP, your problem seems to be that you think all these cheap floozies working in bars are after your husband? Even if that were so, if you have faith and confidence in him, and he's a good guy, he isn't going to respond to any come ons from other women. And the fact is, he is by far more likely to be hit on by female customers in the bar than by the staff.
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